You Called...?

I’ve often thought it must all just seem really frustrating from Gozer’sperspective, not to say fairly confusing, if not downright perplexing —

What Do You Need From Me?

Remnants of DANA's apartment She stares out, her hair blowing in the wind.
Jail
WINSTON
Hey, guard! I want to make a phone call! I just work with these guys! I wasn't even there! RAY and EGON look over blueprints
EGON
The structure of this roof cap is exactly like the kind of telemetry tracker that NASA uses to identify dead pulsars in deep space.
RAY
Cold riveted girders with cores of pure selenium.
PETER to other jailbirds
Everyone getting this so far? So what? I guess they just don't make them like they used to. 

RAY
No! Nobody ever made them like this! The architect was either a certified genius or an aesthetic wacko! 

PETER
Ray, for a moment, pretend that I don't know anything about metallurgy, engineering or physics and just tell me what the hell is going on.
RAY
You never studied. The whole building is a huge super-conductive antenna that was designed and built expressly for the purpose of pulling in and concentrating spiritual turbulence. Your girlfriend, Pete, lives in the corner penthouse of Spook Central.
PETER
She's not my girlfriend. I find her interesting because she's a client and because she sleeps above her covers. Four feet above her covers! She barks, she drools, she claws...
EGON
It's not the girl, Peter, it's the building! Something terrible is about the enter our world and this building is obviously the door. The architect's name was Ivo Shandor. I found it in Tobin's Spirit Guide. He was also a doctor. Performed a lot of unnecessary surgery. And then in 1920 he founded a secret society.
PETER
Let me guess. Gozer worshippers.
EGON
Right.
PETER
No studying!
EGON
After the First World War, Shandor decided that society was too sick to survive. And he wasn't alone. he had close to a thousand followers when he died. They conducted rituals up on the roof, bizarre rituals intended to bring about the end of the world, and now it looks like it may actually happen!
PETER singing
So be good, for goodness sake! Whoa! Somebody's coming! Somebody's coming!
RAY
We have to get out of here. We've gotta get a judge or something.
WINSTON
Hey! Hey! Hold it! Now we going to actually going to go before a federal judge and say that some moldy old Babylonian god is going to drop in on Central Park West and start tearing up the city?
RAY
Sumerian, not Babylonian.
PETER
Yeah, big difference!
WINSTON
No offense, guys, but I gotta get my own lawyer.
JAIL GUARD
Okay, Ghostbusters! The mayor wants to see you guys. The whole island's going crazy! Let's go.
PETER to other jailbirds
I gotta split. The mayor wants to rap with me about some things.
Outside Ivo Shandor Building LOUIS walks by. Shocked. Looks up to the top.
Remnants of DANA's apartment
LOUIS
I am the Keymaster!
DANA
I am the Gatekeeper. they kiss, then go up the stairs to the Temple of Zuul
Outside City Hall Police escort Ghostbusters to the MAYOR. Reporters and photographers try to get press. Music: Savin' The Day.
POLICE CAPTAIN
Stay back! Stay back!
Inside MAYOR's office
MAYOR
I got a city blowing up, and you guys are not giving me any answers!
POLICE COMMISIONER
All right. We're blocking the bridges, the roads. I mean -
MAYOR'S AIDE
The Ghostbusters are here, Mr. Mayor.
MAYOR
The Ghostbusters, all right, the Ghostbusters. Hey, where's this Peck?
PECK
I am Walter Peck, sir, and I'm prepared to make a full report. These men are consummate snowball artists! They use sensitive nerve gases to induce hallucinations. People think they're seeing ghosts! And they call these bozos, who conveniently show up to deal with the problem with a fake electronic light show!
RAY
Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.
PECK
They caused an explosion!
MAYOR
Is this true?
PETER
Yes, it's true. This man has no dick. PECK lunges at PETER. Police try to break up fight.
POLICE SERGEANT
Break it up, break it up!
PETER
Well, that's what I heard!
MAYOR
This is City Hall! Now what am I gonna do here, John? 

What is this?
FIRE COMMISIONER
All I know is: that was no light show we saw this morning. 

I've seen every kind of combustion known to man, but this beats the hell out of me.

POLICE COMMISIONER
The Walls in The 53rd Precinct are bleeding. 

How do you explain that?
ARCHBISHOP entering
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
MAYOR
Oh... Your Eminence! kisses ARCHBISHOP's ring
ARCHBISHOP
How are ya, Lenny?
MAYOR
You're looking good, Mike. gives ARCHBISHOP a friendly slap
We're in a real fix, here. 

What do you think I should do?

ARCHBISHOP
Officially, The Church will not take any position on the religious implications of these, err... phenomena. 

Personally, Lenny --

I Think it's a Sign from God. 

But don't quote me on that -
PETER
I think that's a smart move, Mike. 

 MAYOR

I'm not gonna call a press conference and tell everyone to start praying.

[ Couldn't Hurt, though - ]
WINSTON
I'm Winston Zeddemore, Your Honor. 

Look, I've only been with The Company for a couple of weeks.

But I gotta tell you, hese things are real. 

Since I joined These Men, I have seen shit that'll turn you white!
PETER
Well, you could believe Mr. Pecker.
PECK My name is Peck!
PETER
Or, 

You Could Accept The Fact That This City is Headed for a Disaster of Biblical Proportions.

MAYOR
What do you mean, 'biblical'?
RAY
What he means is, Old Testament, Mr. Mayor. 

Real Wrath-of-God-Type Stuff. 

Fire and brimstone coming from the sky! 

Rivers and seas boiling!
EGON
Forty years of Darkness! 

Earthquakes! Volcanoes!
WINSTON
The Dead rising from The Grave!
PETER
Human Sacrifice, 

Dogs and Cats living together, 

!! MASS HYSTERIA !!
MAYOR
Enough! I get The Point! 

 What if You're Wrong?
PETER
If I'm Wrong, Nothing Happens! 

We go to Jail. 

Peacefully, Quietly. 

We'll Enjoy it!

But, if I'm right, 

and we can stop This Thing..... 

Lenny – YOU Will have Saved The Lives 

of MILLIONS 

of registered voters.

MAYOR smiles. 

ARCHBISHOP nods.
PECK all the wind sucked out of his sails
I don't believe you're seriously considering listening to these men.  

PETER smiles a smug smile.
MAYOR
Get him out of here.
PETER waving
Bye.
PECK
I'll fix you, Venkman. 

I'm gonna fix you!
PETER
I am going to send you a nice fruit basket. 

I'm gonna miss him!
PECK
All right, all right!
MAYOR
You've got Work to do. 

Now What Do You Need from Me?

She's Filled with Secrets

As a Jewel of Gold in a swine's snout, 
so is a fair woman which is without discretion.

Hamlet, There are Things You Don't Know.

Unexplored Territory

Uncharted Space

Secrets.

Mother Gemma Knows The Truth. 

Mother Gemma Knows Every Truth, 

Behind Every Lie, 

Inside Every Secret. 

She's The Gatekeeper."

The Queen : 

Have you seen how the hens in

the yard peck at each other?

Each choosing the one just weaker.

Why do the ladies peck at you?

Ophelia :

I'm not noble, My Lady.

The Queen : 

Did you know I was not raised at court?

My sister and I were sent as girls to a convent in France.

But even there, there were hens

and they pecked.

Ophelia :

Even the nuns?

The Queen :

But I had my sister to defend me.

The mask was closing on his face. The wire brushed his cheek. And then--no, it was not relief, only hope, a tiny fragment of hope. Too late, perhaps too late. But he had suddenly understood that in the whole world there was just ONE person to whom he could transfer his punishment--ONE body that he could thrust between himself and the rats. And he was shouting frantically, over and over.

'Do it to Julia! Do it to Julia! 

Not me! Julia! 

I don't care what you do to her. 

Tear her face off, strip her to the bones. 

Not me! Julia! Not me!'

He was falling backwards, into enormous depths, away from the rats. He was still strapped in the chair, but he had fallen through the floor, through the walls of the building, through the earth, through the oceans, through the atmosphere, into outer space, into the gulfs between the stars--always away, away, away from the rats. He was light years distant, but O'Brien was still standing at his side. There was still the cold touch of wire against his cheek. But through the darkness that enveloped him he heard another metallic click, and knew that the cage door had clicked shut and not open.

The Worm-holes of Long-Vanish'd Days

Re-enter Lords, with EXETER and train

KING OF FRANCE

From our brother England?

EXETER

From him; and thus he greets your majesty.
He wills you, in the name of God Almighty,
That you divest yourself, and lay apart
The borrow'd glories that by gift of heaven,
By law of nature and of nations, 'long
To him and to his heirs; namely, the crown
And all wide-stretched honours that pertain
By custom and the ordinance of times
Unto the crown of France. That you may know
'Tis no sinister nor no awkward claim,
Pick'd from the worm-holes of long-vanish'd days,
Nor from the dust of old oblivion raked,
He sends you this most memorable line,
In every branch truly demonstrative;
Willing to overlook this pedigree:
And when you find him evenly derived
From his most famed of famous ancestors,
Edward the Third, he bids you then resign
Your crown and kingdom, indirectly held
From him the native and true challenger.

KING OF FRANCE

Or else what follows?

EXETER

Bloody constraint; for if you hide the crown
Even in your hearts, there will he rake for it:
Therefore in fierce tempest is he coming,
In thunder and in earthquake, like a Jove,
That, if requiring fail, he will compel;
And bids you, in the bowels of the Lord,
Deliver up the crown, and to take mercy
On the poor souls for whom this hungry war
Opens his vasty jaws; and on your head
Turning the widows' tears, the orphans' cries
The dead men's blood, the pining maidens groans,
For husbands, fathers and betrothed lovers,
That shall be swallow'd in this controversy.
This is his claim, his threatening and my message;
Unless the Dauphin be in presence here,
To whom expressly I bring greeting too.

KING OF FRANCE

For us, we will consider of this further:
To-morrow shall you bear our full intent
Back to our brother England.

DAUPHIN

For the Dauphin,
I stand here for him: what to him from England?

EXETER

Scorn and defiance; slight regard, contempt,
And any thing that may not misbecome
The mighty sender, doth he prize you at.
Thus says my king; an' if your father's highness
Do not, in grant of all demands at large,
Sweeten the bitter mock you sent his majesty,
He'll call you to so hot an answer of it,
That caves and womby vaultages of France
Shall chide your trespass and return your mock
In second accent of his ordnance.

DAUPHIN

Say, if my father render fair return,
It is against my will; for I desire
Nothing but odds with England: to that end,
As matching to his youth and vanity,
I did present him with the Paris balls.

EXETER

He'll make your Paris Louvre shake for it,
Were it the mistress-court of mighty Europe:
And, be assured, you'll find a difference,
As we his subjects have in wonder found,
Between the promise of his greener days
And these he masters now: now he weighs time
Even to the utmost grain: that you shall read
In your own losses, if he stay in France.

KING OF FRANCE

To-morrow shall you know our mind at full.

EXETER

Dispatch us with all speed, lest that our king
Come here himself to question our delay;
For he is footed in this land already.

KING OF FRANCE

You shall be soon dispatch's with fair conditions:
A night is but small breath and little pause
To answer matters of this consequence.

Flourish. Exeunt

Sometimes You Just Need Someone to Tell You What to Do

ATTACK-EYEBROWS : 

Tell Me What to Do, Then. 

Bill Potts would tell me What to Do. 

BILL POTTS : 

Do What You Always Do - 

Serve at The Pleasure of The Human Race. 

The times in your life when you need to turn towards The Spirit of The Father will, by their very nature, necessarily tend to be very few 

and far between and relate to a small menu of  very basic insoluble Life Problems 

CLARA: 
We can fix this, can't we? We always fix it.
DOCTOR: No. (to Ashildr) 
But you can. Fix this. Fix it now.
ASHILDR: It, it's not possible. I can't.
DOCTOR: Yes, it is, you can, and you will, or this street will be over. I'll show you and all your funny little friends to the whole laughing world. I'll bring UNIT, I'll bring the Zygons. Give me a minute, I'll bring the Daleks and the Cybermen. You will save Clara, and you will do it now, or I will rain hell on you for the rest of time.
CLARA: Doctor, stop talking like that.
ASHILDR: You can't.
DOCTOR: I can do whatever the hell I like. You've read the stories. You know who I am. And in all of that time, did you ever hear anything about anyone who stopped me?
ASHILDR: I know the Doctor. The Doctor would never
DOCTOR: The Doctor is no longer here! You are stuck with me. And I will end you, and everything you love.
CLARA: Doctor, for God's sake, will you stop?
DOCTOR: Now!
CLARA: I did this, do you hear me? I did this. This is my fault.
DOCTOR: I don't care.
CLARA: Liar. You always care. Always have. Your reign of terror will end with the sight of the first crying child and you know it.
DOCTOR: No, I don't.
CLARA: I do. Listen, if this is the last I ever see of you, please, not like this.
(The Raven caws in the distance.)
CLARA: (to Ashildr) Is there anything you can do?
ASHILDR: I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry, I
CLARA: Time's short. Yes or no?
ASHILDR: No.
(The Doctor breathes heavily. Rigsy is trying not to cry.)
CLARA: Well, if Danny Pink can do it, so can I.
DOCTOR: Do what?
CLARA: Die right. Die like I mean it. Face the Raven.
DOCTOR: No. This, this isn't happening. This can't be happening.
CLARA: Maybe this is what I wanted. Maybe this is it. Maybe this is why I kept running. Maybe this is why I kept taking all those stupid risks. Kept pushing it.
DOCTOR: This is my fault.
CLARA: This is my choice.
DOCTOR: I let you get reckless.
CLARA: Why? Why shouldn't I be so reckless? You're reckless all the bloody time. Why can't I be like you?
DOCTOR: Clara, there's nothing special about me. I am nothing, but I'm less breakable than you. I should have taken care of you.
CLARA: I never asked you to.
DOCTOR: You shouldn't have to ask.
(The Raven caws as it flies along the winding street, and the people scatter, terrified.)
RIGSY: Clara, if I'd known, I'd
CLARA: Don't. Shut up.
RIGSY: But I
CLARA: Really, Rigsy, shut up. If you feel guilty about this, even for one minute, I
(They hear the Raven.)
CLARA: You. Now, you listen to me. You're going to be alone now, and you're very bad at that. You're going to be furious and you're going to be sad, but listen to me. Don't let this change you. No, listen. Whatever happens next, wherever she is sending you, I know what you're capable of. You don't be a Warrior. Promise me. Be a Doctor.
DOCTOR: What's the point of being a Doctor if I can't cure you?
CLARA: Heal yourself. You have to. You can't let this turn you into a monster. So, I'm not asking you for a promise, I'm giving you an order. You will not insult my memory. There will be no revenge. I will die, and no one else, here or anywhere, will suffer.
DOCTOR: What about me?
CLARA: If there was something I could do about that, I would. I guess we're both just going to have to be brave.
DOCTOR: Clara.
(They hug.)
CLARA: Everything you are about to say, I already know. Don't do it now. We've already had enough bad timing.
(The Raven caws close by.)
DOCTOR: Don't run. Stay with me.
CLARA: Nah. You stay here. In the end, everybody does this alone.
DOCTOR: Clara
CLARA: This is as brave as I know how to be. I know it's going to hurt you, but, please, be a little proud of me.
(She touches his cheek. He takes her hand and kisses it.)
CLARA: Goodbye, Doctor.
(The Raven caws.) 

Here, Take This -

"Here, Take This -" 

[Gives Her The Gold] 

"I Think I Can Handle Myself."

"I Know You Do, That's Why I'm Giving it to You.

Liam Neeson's Wife

 

The Queen :

Have you seen how the hens in

the yard peck at each other?

Each choosing the one just weaker.

Why do the ladies peck at you?

Ophelia :

I'm not noble, My Lady.

The Queen :

Did you know I was not raised at court?

My sister and I were sent as girls to a convent in France.

But even there, there were hens and they pecked.

Ophelia :

Even the nuns?

The Queen :

But I had my sister to defend me.

Ophelia :

I didn't start it.

It wasn't my fault.

Mrs. Qui-Gonn Jinn :

Go out and close the door.

Ophelia :

But you asked to see me.

Mrs. Qui-Gonn Jinn :

Yes, well, you have to knock before you enter.

Ophelia :

I can't believe it.

This is all horse face's fault.

KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK

Mrs. Qui-Gonn Jinn :

Who is it?

Ophelia :

Jesus Christ.

Mrs. Qui-Gonn Jinn :

Oh, dear. We were led to believe  you had a beard and sandals. 

Now, we'll have to change that stained-glass window in the school chapel.

Ophelia :

Look, I didn't start it, it wasn't my fault, and if this were America, I would sue.

That girl is a grade one a-hole with a severe attitudinal problem.

Mrs. Qui-Gonn Jinn :

I know perfectly well what happened, Poppy.

Ophelia :

Then why isn't Harriet here too?

Mrs. Qui-Gonn Jinn :

Because, unsurprisingly, it's you I want to talk to. 

Look, I know it's very difficult... being the only new girl in your year.

Ophelia :

You mean, the only normal girl.

Mrs. Qui-Gonn Jinn :

What do you like to read, Poppy?

Ophelia :

OK Magazine, People, Us Weekly.

Mrs. Qui-Gonn Jinn :

Well, might you be able to tackle such a thing as a book?

Ophelia :

I prefer movies.

Mrs. Qui-Gonn Jinn :

Well, my personal library seems to be missing the book version of ‘Freaky Friday’.

So, perhaps you might try this.

Ophelia :

Oh, my uncle's producing the film version.

Mrs. Qui-Gonn Jinn :

Alice in Wonderland was originally a book.

You might surprise yourself and actually enjoy it.

Ophelia :

This is my punishment?

This school is so weird.

Mrs. Qui-Gonn Jinn :

What do you want to get out of this

school, Poppy?

Ophelia :

To get out of this school.

Mrs. Qui-Gonn Jinn :

You know, this school has produced absolutely nobody of note.

Our leading light was the girl who was Princess Diana's foot doctor.

So, if your aim is to make the pages of Us Weekly, then this isn't The Place for you.

What we do produce are smart, independent, free-thinking, good-hearted girls, who remain friends for life.

The kind of girl that, behind all your wisecracks, I know that you are.

25:17

WAITING

FENRIS, 

The Fen-Dweller, 

Fame Wolf of Ragnarok :  

Let The Ancient One approach. 

...where •is• The Ancient One? 

VAMPIRE :

He Waits. 

FENRIS,

The Fen-Dweller, 

Fame Wolf of Ragnarok : 

He waits? He waits!? What for!?

Has he no sense of occasion...?

I want him here, now. 

Thor is The Champion of The Gods, of Earth and of The Human Race.

He is the great fighter who can be brought out when something is really bad.

You don't go to Thor for wisdom, you go to Thor because he's going to protect you against the evil monsters.

Tales of Thor's adventures provided escape from one of the bleakest periods in human history.

The dark ages of the first millennium A.D.

It was a time when the Norse world, stretching from the British Isles to the Baltic Sea, was in turmoil.

The agricultural society, where people were farming and surviving kind of at the very edge of how it was possible to survive, because it was cold, it was the northern part of Europe, it wasn't around the Mediterranean where it was much easier to grow things, and it tended to be, from everything we can tell, quite violent.”

War, famine and death were daily facts of life on the desolate northern fringes of Europe.

But the myth of Thor brought a sense of order to the chaos.

“It was a religion of the countryside.

Paganism actually is a Latin word that describes that, what the country people believe in, and paganism is not really well organized either.

It's not like the Greek Pantheon in the sense that it's very well organized and everybody knows whose responsibilities and who's more important than whom.

It's very different.

The view of human life in that mythology was a fairly dark and fairly stern one.

Human beings didn't look forward to the kind of salvation and heaven at the end of time that's promised in the Christian stories.

They had a kind of a darker, a more sorrowful view of life.

People have to show great courage and hardiness in the face of enormous obstacles.

For inspiration, the people looked to Thor.

Thor was the quintessential hero.

He was strong.

Unlike some of the other gods he was not deceptive, he was not treacherous, but he was steadfast, and as this hero figure, I think, people could identify with him best.

In the myth, two of Thor's weapons help him conquer evil forces: A belt that doubles his strength and a hammer that shoots lethal bolts of lightning.

No matter how far Thor throws his trusty hammer, it will return to him like a boomerang.

And each time thunder roars, it means Thor's hammer has struck a giant.

Thor is the master of lightning, and this is not uncommon in other mythologies.

The obvious parallel here is Zeus in classical mythology, for he is the thunder god.

The thunder and lightning god is the protector god.

He's the strongest fighter, so he has that capability that Zeus has, the thunderbolt, the hammer for Thor, that can destroy the bad guys.

KLAG: 

Commander, would you say you're a typical Federation officer?

RIKER: 

I suppose so. Why?

KLAG: 

Well, it's just you're not what I expected.

RIKER:

In what way?

TACTICS: 

You have a sense of humour!

RIKER: 

I was thinking the same thing about you. 

In all my dealings with Klingons, including our Lieutenant Worf, the thought never occurred to me of Klingons laughing.

TACTICS: 

There is much about us you do not know.

RIKER: 

That's why I'm here.

KLAG:

You should ask.

RIKER: 
After this tour, 
I may have some worthy questions.
 

KLAG: 

Questions about what? 

About Our Future? 

Our Future is Honour. 

Our present is Serving This Ship.

TACTICS: 

Like you, I have a mother and a father. 

They look like me, I look like them.
 

RIKER: 

Are they still alive?
 

TACTICS: 

My Mother Lives, 

My Father was killed in battle at Tranome Sar.
 

RIKER: 

And Your Father?
 

KLAG: 

My Father? 

My Father was captured in battle by Romulans 

and Not Allowed to Die. 

He eventually escaped.

RIKER: 

Where is he now?
 

KLAG: 

He is on Our Planet. 

He Waits.

TACTICS: 

He waits for his death.

KLAG: 

He will eventually fade of a natural illness and die, 

weakened and useless. Honourless. 

I will not see him.
 

RIKER: 

He's Your Father.
 

KLAG: 

A Klingon is His Work, 

not his Family. 

That is The Way of Things.
 

RIKER: 

He's Your Father.

KLAG: 

Klingons do not express feeling the way you do.

RIKER: 

Perhaps you should.

KLAG: 

We would not know how.

RIKER: 

Yesterday, I did not know how to eat gagh.

He Who Hesitates May Yet Be Found

It is The Hard Heart that Kills.

If your killer instincts are not clean and strong you will hesitate at 

The Moment of Truth.

You Will Not Kill.

You will become dead marines and then you will be in a World of Shit, because,

Marines are Not Allowed to Die Without Permission.

It is The Hard Heart that Kills.

If your killer instincts are not clean and strong you will hesitate at 

The Moment of Truth.

You Will Not Kill.

You will become dead marines and then you will be in a World of Shit, because,

Marines are Not Allowed to Die Without Permission.

Jordan Peterson: Analysis of The Devouring Mother Archetype

Are You Trying to Be Funny?

APORIA

An Englishman, A Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a Bar - 

The Barman says, 
"Is This a Joke?" 

 Elsewhere, 

 A Policeman walks into different Bar - 

"Ow!!", he says. 

Meanwhile, Back at The Ranch, 

There was a Tap at The Window. 

What a stupid place to put one..

There are these two fish, that’re side-by-side in a tank -

One turns to the other and says, 

“I hope you know how to drive this thing.”

Witness #1 : 

This ‘Condition’ of Yours.... The Laughing.

Is it Real? Or some sort of Clown Thing?

The Clown : 

“A •Clown• Thing”...?

Witness #1 : 

Yeah - I mean.... Is it part of Your Act...?

The Clown : 

What Do •You• Think...?

The Heel turns on his heel;

He Blows Smoke;

Tosses away The Flame;

Turns his back on The Two Witness and walks away in disgust, straight into an Emergency;

Attempting to Go In Through The Out Door, he encounters Reality by colliding violently with one of its Walls you cannot see;

He waves at an electronic, all-seeing magickal eye (that isn’t there), trying in vain to attract its attention

Witness # 1 : 

It’s, ah “EXIT ONLY”....

1. What do you call a joke that isn't funny?

A sentence.

2. Want to hear something that will make you smile?

Your facial muscles.

3. What do you call a pencil sharpener that can't sharpen pencils?

Broken.

4. Where was the Constitution signed?

The bottom.

5. What do you get when you mix and a goat and a sheep?

A geep.

6. What do you call a talking turtle?

Fictional.

7. What ended after 1987?

1988.

8. What did one stranger say to the other?

Nothing. They didn't know each other.

9. What does one French Guy say to another French Guy?

My name is also guy.

10. Why did the dinosaur say "hello" to the little girl?

He was being polite.

11. What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

12. How does the white-tail deer jump higher than the average house?

This is due to their powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house can't jump.

13. You know what's really odd?

Numbers that aren't divisible by two.

14. I can still remember my Grandpa's last words before he kicked the bucket.

He said, "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

15. My girlfriend is like an iPhone 7.

She doesn't have a headphone jack.

16. What do an elephant and a grape have in common?

One of them is purple.

17. Why did the chicken cross the road?

Chickens do not have the cognitive ability to reason. Therefore, it was random.

18. A proton walks into a bar.

No one noticed it because protons are tiny and everywhere.

19. Why do we dress baby boys in blue and baby girls in pink?

Because they can't dress themselves.

20. Yo mama's so fat…

She should be concerned because diabetes is a serious health issue.

21. What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

An ambulance, due to the fact that he has a rather serious head wound.

22. What's yellow and is something you shouldn't drink?

A school bus.

23. What did the cowboy say at his second rodeo?

"This ain't my first rodeo!"

24. When birds fly in a V, why is one side always longer than the other?

Because there are more birds on one side.

25. What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

26. I have glasses but cannot see. I have feet but cannot walk. What am I?

A riddle.

27. Why does Micheal J. Fox make the best milkshakes?

Because he uses the finest ingredients.

28. Why did the dinosaur eat the baby?

He didn't. Humans did not appear until after the extinction of dinosaurs.

29. How do you confuse a blonde?

Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

30. Why did the swan hiss?

Biologically, it's coded in their genes to do so when threatened.

31. Knock, knock

I wonder who is at the door. I hope they know a good joke, since levity in important in this cruel life. You have to smile sometimes.

32. What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer?

"We're both lawyers!"

33. Why are there no Jewish people on Uranus?

The nature of the planet does not sustain human life.

34. What's white and annoying at breakfast?

An avalanche.

35. What's funny about five people in a Chevy Suburban driving off a cliff?

Nothing. They were my friends.

36. You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends…

But you can't rob a bank. That's a felony.

37. Why is there no aspirin in the rainforest?

Because it wouldn't be financially viable to try and sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rainforest.

38. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands.

For example, if she's holding a gun, she's probably angry.

39. What's the difference between bubble wrap and a carrot?

No one eats carrots.

40. What do you call a medical student that graduated last in their class?

Doctor.

41. I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger…

But she did move to California in 1849.

42. What's green and has wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

43. What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A horrible boating accident.

44. How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish?

Neither one can whistle.

45. What did one ant say to the other ant?

Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.

46. Why are hamsters like cigarettes?

They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

47. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it…

Then my illegal logging company is a success.

48. Have you seen Stevie Wonder's house?

It's very tastefully furnished.

49. How do you empty a pool full of Canadians?

Politely but firmly tell them, "Get out of the pool, please!"

50. What's orange and tastes like an orange?

An orange.

51. What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A deer. The absence of eyes doesn't change the species.

52. What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

53. A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a banana martini.

The bartender thinks this is peculiar and realizes it is because he is actually dreaming. The man wakes up from the dream and begins to tell his wife all about it. His wife simply ignores him and goes back to sleep. The man rolls over and begins to sob as he realizes his marriage is in shambles.

54. What do a duck and a bicycle have in common?

They both have handlebars… except for the duck.

55. How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. They're a very efficient people.

56. Why isn't Helen Keller a good driver?

Because she passed away in 1968 and the deceased are incapable of operating automobiles..

57. What did one cannibal say to the other after eating a clown?

"We're gonna get in big trouble for this!"

58. A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, "Why the long face?"

The horse says, "Evolution."

59. How tall is the Empire State Building?

One Empire State Building tall.

60. What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding a worm in your caramel apple. They usually cost more.