Thursday 5 May 2016

A Big Disease With a Little Name




Those people who always tell me they think I'm paranoid, distrusting and borderline psychotically delusional should understand something : 

You cannot know what it means to grow up being taught by your Government that rain is poison, sex is death and the sun would cause you to die of cancer.

This "health advice" was mailed to EVERY HOUSEHOLD in Britain by the Thatcher Government in 1987.

I was made afraid of sex before I even knew what it was, because I had been told by the State that making love was fatal, and the main way of catching The Worst Disease in The World.

My first knowledge the meaning of sex was a tombstone.





And the only person after I had learned and accepted all of that who tried to tell me the Truth, even though I would not hear him or learn of it for many years later, was Prince.

So in a very real sense, Prince saved my life - or saved a part of it I never otherwise would have known, or experience the joy of.

Even my James Bond only ever had one girlfriend.



Sorry, 007, you can chose either, whichever one you want - just not BOTH...
So this may appear that by 1989, there was a slight improvement over the situation (under conditions of Plague Panic) from 1987, but the element of competition and sexual winner-takes-all actually makes the situation far WORSE than that....

Because the back and forth contest for Dalton-Bond's affections results in the continual deferral of a decision being made as to his commitment (I'll say that again, "COMMITMENT") to a single lover with whom to enjoy Safe Sax with until AFTER the resolution of the plot - meaning that he doesn't actually get laid (onscreen) AT ALL until after the end of the film, turning the World's Greatest (onscreen) lover into an (onscreen) eunuch.





In fact, since Miriam D'Abo (Cello Girl) is such a "nice" girl, enjoying romantic dates in the Vienna funfair, Dalton-Bond doesn't actually get laid in The Living Daylights either, so Dalton-Bond never gets laid (onscreen) AT ALL...

No wonder they cancelled the Franchise for 6 years.

The result being, that there is an entire generation (my one) for whom the object of ego-identification in Bond movies was Q.



Because if you believed in, were awed by and sought to emulate the geriatric seductions of Roger Moore and his mink-lined Union Jack iceberg mini-sub, or Grace Jones and were titlated by the black-light neon paint day-glo Duran Duran tits, there really was (and is) something wrong with you sexually.

This was 1985.

Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug.





Del 
 I'm scared, Rodney! 

 Rodney 
 Oh come on, Del. You're in hospital. 

 Del That's why I'm scared! 

 Rodney 
 I mean, can you think of a better place to be? 

 Del 
 Yes, down the market, in the pub, anywhere but here. I think I might know what's wrong with me. A short pause. 

 Rodney 
 What?

Del 
I think I might have... you know. 

 Rodney 
 You mean? 

 Del 
 No. 

 Rodney What! Not... 

 Del 
 Yes. 

 Rodney 
 Don't be silly. What makes you think that? 

 Del 
 Because the doctors found out I was a bachelor and they started asking questions about my social activities. 

 Rodney Bloody 'ell. 

 Del 
 It's alright. I didn't tell 'em nothing. I made out I was like an amateur monk. But I've been lying here thinking about my past. 

 Rodney What's the point in depressing yourself? 

 Del 
 I've bin thinking back to some of the birds I've knocked about with. Cor blimey, Rodney, some of 'em have bin round the track more times than a lurcher. 

 Rodney 
 Del, you're just being irrational. 

 Del 
 What about that unisex hair- dresser's. down the high street? 

 Rodney 
 Well, what about it? 

 Del 
 Well, I went in there last month for a trim, didn't I? And I thought I was going to get one of the dolly birds in the miniskirts, you know, and all that, but who did I get? They gave me some mush called Jason. 

 Rodney 
 So? 

 Del 
 So, say he was a bandit. 

 Rodney 
 I don't believe... Del, you cannot go around making accusations against innocent people. Anyway, you can't catch it off a comb. 

 Del 
 No, but say he nicked my neck with his razor or something. 

 Rodney 
 So long as he doesn't kiss it better, you're laughing, ain't you? 

Del 
 Then there's Uncle Albert - blimey, he's been round the world more times than Phileas Fogg. There's no telling what he might have picked up. And there's you and that computer. Rodney My computer? 

Del 
 Yes. I was reading about all those computer viruses. 

 Rodney 
 Look, calm down, right? Look, I understand your concerns and fears. But you're just letting your imagination run away with you. If you'd had 'that' or anything as serious as that, they would have known by now. They're experts you know. 

 Del 
 Yeah, yeah. I didn't think of that, bruv. It can't be that serious, can it? 

 Rodney 
 Well, of course not. So you just remember that next time you're lying here at night, thinking of all them women and male hairdressers you've known... 

 Del 
 They've got a spare bed downstairs if you're interested. 

 Rodney I'll see you. 

 They share a smile. Rodney stands to leave. Del leans back in bed. We now hear Del moan as if in great pain. Rodney rushes back to him. 

 Rodney 
 Del, hold on. I'll get the nurse. Nurse! Hold on, Del, don't you die. Don't you bloody die. 

 Del 
 I'm not gonna die, you plonker. I've just sat on me bacon sandwich. 

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