Those people who always tell me they think I'm paranoid, distrusting and borderline psychotically delusional should understand something :
You cannot know what it means to grow up being taught by your Government that rain is poison, sex is death and the sun would cause you to die of cancer.
This "health advice" was mailed to EVERY HOUSEHOLD in Britain by the Thatcher Government in 1987.
I was made afraid of sex before I even knew what it was, because I had been told by the State that making love was fatal, and the main way of catching The Worst Disease in The World.
My first knowledge the meaning of sex was a tombstone.
And the only person after I had learned and accepted all of that who tried to tell me the Truth, even though I would not hear him or learn of it for many years later, was Prince.
So in a very real sense, Prince saved my life - or saved a part of it I never otherwise would have known, or experience the joy of.
Even my James Bond only ever had one girlfriend.
Sorry, 007, you can chose either, whichever one you want - just not BOTH...
So this may appear that by 1989, there was a slight improvement over the situation (under conditions of Plague Panic) from 1987, but the element of competition and sexual winner-takes-all actually makes the situation far WORSE than that....
Because the back and forth contest for Dalton-Bond's affections results in the continual deferral of a decision being made as to his commitment (I'll say that again, "COMMITMENT") to a single lover with whom to enjoy Safe Sax with until AFTER the resolution of the plot - meaning that he doesn't actually get laid (onscreen) AT ALL until after the end of the film, turning the World's Greatest (onscreen) lover into an (onscreen) eunuch.
In fact, since Miriam D'Abo (Cello Girl) is such a "nice" girl, enjoying romantic dates in the Vienna funfair, Dalton-Bond doesn't actually get laid in The Living Daylights either, so Dalton-Bond never gets laid (onscreen) AT ALL...
No wonder they cancelled the Franchise for 6 years.
The result being, that there is an entire generation (my one) for whom the object of ego-identification in Bond movies was Q.
Because if you believed in, were awed by and sought to emulate the geriatric seductions of Roger Moore and his mink-lined Union Jack iceberg mini-sub, or Grace Jones and were titlated by the black-light neon paint day-glo Duran Duran tits, there really was (and is) something wrong with you sexually.
This was 1985.
Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug.
I'm scared, Rodney!
Rodney
Oh come on, Del. You're in
hospital.
Del
That's why I'm scared!
Rodney
I mean, can you think of a
better place to be?
Del
Yes, down the market, in the
pub, anywhere but here. I
think I might know what's
wrong with me.
A short pause.
Rodney
What?
Del
I think I might have... you
know.
Rodney
You mean?
Del
No.
Rodney
What! Not...
Del
Yes.
Rodney
Don't be silly. What makes
you think that?
Del
Because the doctors found out
I was a bachelor and they
started asking questions
about my social activities.
Rodney
Bloody 'ell.
Del
It's alright. I didn't tell
'em nothing. I made out I was
like an amateur monk. But
I've been lying here thinking
about my past.
Rodney
What's the point in depressing yourself?
Del
I've bin thinking back to
some of the birds I've
knocked about with. Cor
blimey, Rodney, some of 'em
have bin round the track
more times than a lurcher.
Rodney
Del, you're just being
irrational.
Del
What about that unisex hair-
dresser's. down the high
street?
Rodney
Well, what about it?
Del
Well, I went in there last
month for a trim, didn't I?
And I thought I was going
to get one of the dolly
birds in the miniskirts,
you know, and all that, but
who did I get? They gave me
some mush called Jason.
Rodney
So?
Del
So, say he was a bandit.
Rodney
I don't believe... Del, you
cannot go around making
accusations against innocent
people. Anyway, you can't
catch it off a comb.
Del
No, but say he nicked my neck
with his razor or something.
Rodney
So long as he doesn't kiss it
better, you're laughing, ain't
you?
Del
Then there's Uncle Albert -
blimey, he's been round the
world more times than Phileas
Fogg. There's no telling what
he might have picked up. And
there's you and that computer.
Rodney
My computer?
Del
Yes. I was reading about all
those computer viruses.
Rodney
Look, calm down, right? Look,
I understand your concerns
and fears. But you're just
letting your imagination run
away with you. If you'd had
'that' or anything as serious
as that, they would have
known by now. They're experts
you know.
Del
Yeah, yeah. I didn't think of
that, bruv. It can't be that
serious, can it?
Rodney
Well, of course not. So you
just remember that next time
you're lying here at night,
thinking of all them women
and male hairdressers you've
known...
Del
They've got a spare bed
downstairs if you're
interested.
Rodney
I'll see you.
They share a smile. Rodney stands to leave. Del leans
back in bed. We now hear Del moan as if in great pain.
Rodney rushes back to him.
Rodney
Del, hold on. I'll get the
nurse. Nurse! Hold on, Del,
don't you die. Don't you
bloody die.
Del
I'm not gonna die, you
plonker. I've just sat on
me bacon sandwich.
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