Hello, Computer.

Ms. Melnitz :

Please. You have to tell me why it's so important 

for it to say 'Hello' 'Ghost-busters...!!

Bwahahahahahahaha!!!'

Steven Paul Jobs :

Hollywood. They made
computers scary things -- 

[Drags her over to a pair of Macs, points at one -- ]
See how this reminds you of a friendly
face, that the disk slot is a goofy grin?
It's warm and it's playful
and it needs to Say ''Ghost-busters...!!

Bwahahahahahahaha!!!'.
It needs to say ''Ghost-busters...!!

Bwahahahahahahaha!!!', because it can.

We're not committing fraud.
The 512k is gonna ship in under a year.
Will you absolve me of your
Eastern European disapproval?

Ms. Melnitz :

The Computer in 2001

said Hello all the time

and it still scared

the shit out of me.

Steven Paul Jobs :

Absolve me.

Ms. Melnitz :

......Just for this.

And just for now.

 

And with that movie 2001,
you're projecting us into the 21st century.
- I brought along my son Jonathan...
- Hi.
Who in the year 2001 will
be the same age as I am now.
Maybe he will be better
adjusted to this
kind of world that you're
trying to portray.
The big difference,
when he grows up...
In fact, if we wanted to
wait till the year 2001...
He will have in his own house
not a computer as big as
this, but at least a console
through which he can talk to
his friendly local computer
and get all the information
he needs for his everyday life,


like his bank statements,
his theater reservations,
all the information you need in the course
of living in a complex modern society.
This will be in a compact
form in his own house.
He'll have a television screen,
like these here, and a keyboard.
And he'll talk to the computer
and get information from it.
And he'll take it as much for
granted as we take the telephone.
I wonder, though, what sort of
a life would it be like in social terms?
I mean, if our whole life
is built around the computer,
do we become a computer-dependent society?
In some ways, but they
will also enrich our society
because it will make it possible for
us to live, really, anywhere we like.
Any businessman and executive
could live almost anywhere on Earth
and still do his business
through a device like this.
And this is a wonderful thing. It means
we won't have to be stuck in cities.


We'll be able to live out in the
country or wherever we please.
Screen says it's
an unimplemented trap.
But the error code is
wrong. It's a system error.
- So what's the upshot?
- It's not gonna say hello.
It absolutely
is gonna say hello.
It's nobody's fault.
It's a system error.
You built the voice demo.
- The voice demo is flaky.
- Keep your voices down.
I've been telling you that
for... This thing is overbuilt.
It worked last night. It
worked the night before that.
It worked three hours ago.
It's not working now, so
just skip over the voice demo.
Fuck you.
- Everything else is working.
- Shh.
Skip over the voice demo.
We need it to say hello.
You're not hearing me.
It's not going to say hello.
Just fix it.
- Fix it?
- Yeah.
- In 40 minutes?
- Fix it.
- I can't.
- Who's the person who can?
I'm the person who can, and I can't.
- How bad are you saying?
- It's pretty bad.
I don't know what that means.
It means the demo is more
than likely gonna crash.
You have to keep your voices down.
Joel Pforzheimer is
sitting out in the house.
I don't care if... Who's Joel Pforzheimer?
GQ.
He's been shadowing you
for a week. Did you notice?
Just look like everything's fine.
He's sitting out in the house.
Hey.
What are you guys saying?
Some kind of race condition, but we
haven't been able to track it down yet.
Is the synthesizer sampling fast enough?
No, so the rates are off
and it keeps crashing.
It's 20 seconds out of a
two-hour launch. Why not just cut it?
- We can't cut it.
- Yeah, you just cut it.
Two days ago, we ran a Super Bowl ad that
could've won the Oscar for Best Short Film.
There are more people
who can tell you about
the ad than can tell
you who won the game.
I understand, but the ad said
the Mac was gonna save the world.
It didn't say it was gonna say hello.
We open the house in five.
Don't open the house.
We're taking a quick break.
- Part of the problem is...
- What?
We can recompile, but if it's a hardware
problem, we can't get into the back.
Why not?
- Do you wanna tell her or should I?
- Don't start with me, man.
- Why can't he get into the machine?
- You need special tools.
What kind of special tools?
Just take a screwdriver.
He didn't want users to be able to open it.
You need special tools.
Is this for real?
There are a hundred engineers walking
around here. None of them have the tools?
In fairness, not many of
them were issued the tools.
What about you?
I left them at the office.
It was 3:00 AM when I...
Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Cut "Hello."
- No.
- What's the first rule of a launch?
- It's not gonna crash.
It just did.
Andy!
Which one?
The other Andy. You're right
there. Why would I be calling out?
- He needs to talk to you.
- Yeah.
The exit signs need to be off or
we're not gonna get a full blackout.
We've spoken to the building
manager and the fire marshal.
And?
There's no way they're gonna
let us turn the exit signs off.
I'll pay whatever the fine is.
The fine is they're gonna come
in and tell everyone to leave.
You explained to the fire marshal
that we're in here changing the world?
I did, but unless we can also change
the properties of fire, he doesn't care.
Steve...
If a fire causes a stampede
to the unmarked exits,
it'll have been well worth
it for those who survive.
For those who don't, less
so, but still pretty good.
- Look, I...
- I need it to go black. Real black.
Get rid of the exit signs and
don't let me know how you did it.
Fix the voice demo.
You need special tools to open the Mac?
You knew it was a closed system.
I didn't know literally. Jesus.
And if you keep alienating
people for no reason,
there's gonna be no one
left for it to say hello to.
It's not for no reason.
We blow this and IBM will own the
next 50 years like a Batman villain.
Remember the phone company? That's what
Bell was called, "the phone company."
IBM will be the computer company.
Ten years later they'll
be the information company,
and that's very bad for the human race.
So we don't have time to
be polite or realistic,
'cause if we are, this
company's next product launch
will be held in front of 26 people
and a stringer from the
Alameda County Shopper's Guide.
We haven't advertised the voice software.
We could pull it out of the demo
and no one would be disappointed.
Do you want to try being reasonable,
just, you know, see what it feels like?
Okay. Pull the voice demo.
Thank you.
And then cancel the launch.
I see. You just tricked me a little.
You can tell me how unimportant it is,
but if the computer doesn't say hello,
then neither will John Sculley,
who I promise you agrees with me.
Sculley's not gonna cancel the
launch 'cause he's not insane.
He's also not a hack, and
when it comes to the Macintosh,
he's gonna do what I ask him to do.
- What's in this box?
- Nothing you need to worry about.
Don't even open it.
What the fuck?
Why is there a carton of... Who did this?
- Somebody thought...
- Who?
Doesn't matter. Thought it would be a good
idea to have copies of that Time cover
available at everyone's seat.
It was nipped in the bud and all the
copies are being taken out of the building.
So problem solved.
- This isn't a Macintosh.
- I understand.
Somebody thought it would
be a good idea to, like,
enthusiastically hand over copies of
Time with a not-a-Macintosh on the cover
at the launch of the Macintosh?
What are they handing
out at Hewlett-Packard?
A bushel of apples with my face on them?
I'm sure the thinking was that
since the computer is Man of the Year
that that's good for our business,
but like I said, I'm having
them removed from the building.
What I'd like you to do with them
is to take them, all 2,600 copies,
and stack them on Kottke's desk
and tell him Steve says,
"Happy New Year to you."
Okay.
I gave Time magazine full access.
The whole campus: Bandley, Apple II, Lisa.
I gave him Sculley, Markkula. I
gave him Woz. I gave him everybody.
What should I call the person who thought
it'd be a good idea to hand these out?
I'm not telling you who it was.
It was done without malice.
It's been taken care of.
You have a half hour and we
have things to talk about.
Like what?
Like a million
in the first 90 days.
- Joanna...
- 20,000 a month after that.
- Look. Those are the forecasts.
- I'm begging...
This is my field. I'm begging you
to manage expectations out there.
I'm fanning expectations.
We're not gonna sell a
million in the first 90 days.
Everyone, everyone, everyone,
everyone is waiting for the Mac.
Maybe.
But what happens when they
find out that for 2,495,
there's nothing you can do with it?
We were competitive at $1,500,
but once you replaced the
Motorola 6809 with the 68000...
Which is what supports menus, windows,
point and click, high-res graphics...
Yeah, 'cause everyone needs
rectangles with rounded corners.
Coach lands on the runway at the
exact same time as first class.
I don't have the first
fucking idea what that means,
but this is how it got to $2,500,
which is the price point on
the PC, which can do a lot more!
Who's gonna want a PC?
What idiot is gonna want...
If I wanna tell you there's a spot
on your shirt, I point to the spot.
I don't say there's a spot 14
centimeters down from the collar
and three centimeters to the
right of the second button
while I try to remember what
the command is for club soda.
That's not how a person's mind works.
If the goal was ease of use, maybe
you should've given it some memory.
You can complain about memory
or you can complain about price,
but you can't do both at the same time.
Memory is what costs money.
I'm glad you're telling me
your feelings about the Mac now
because we have a half hour left.
We can redesign it.
I'm just asking you to manage expectations.
Look at their faces
when they see what it is.
They won't know what they're
looking at or why they like it,
but they'll know they want it.
Not instantly. When people
heard Rite of Spring,
they tore the chairs out of the theater.
They didn't buy the record.
Rite of Spring happens
to be the most revolutionary
and provocative symphony
of the last century.
Ballet. It was a ballet.
But Igor Stravinsky didn't say he
was gonna sell 20,000 units a month.
I don't know why we're
talking about Stravinsky
when what I care about is Dan Kottke
sodomizing me in Time magazine.
Look. Obviously...
Let me say this to you.
Obviously, Daniel didn't think
he was doing anything wrong.
- By talking to Time about it?
- Yeah.
I don't know what that means.
You said, when you told me the story...
You said you said to Dan,
"Did Time magazine ask you
if I had a daughter named Lisa?"
And Dan said, "Yeah."
My point was that he answered
you simply and honestly
because he didn't think
he'd done anything wrong.
Except, Joanna... Except I
don't have a daughter named Lisa.
And this story is now about how I'm
denying paternity and took a blood test.
And that's why there's a picture of...
I don't know what the fuck that is.
That's why there's a
picture of a PC on the cover
instead of a picture of me and the Mac.
I don't know what to tell you.
I was supposed to be Time
magazine's Man of the Year.
And then Dan Kottke was born.
- Well...
- What?
- She's waiting for you.
- Who?
- Chrisann.
- Brennan?
They're out in the hall.
They've been sitting in the back of
the auditorium since 7:00 this morning.
I'm not having a session
with Chrisann right now.
We issued 335 press
credentials for the launch.
Steve, you piss off Chrisann,
she's gonna stand in the
lobby and give 335 interviews,
and you, pal, will be longing for
the halcyon days of Dan Kottke.
Let me get this over with.
But don't leave. You're gonna stay here.
What? No. I'm not.
No. There's less of a chance of a
scene if you stay here. She'll be cool.
I find all this
excruciatingly personal and-and...
I-I'm... I'm not staying.
No. Come on.
I don't wanna be in a
room alone with Chrisann.
This is me and you.
Fine.
Hey.
Steve.
This is a surprise.
Why don't you come on in?
Thank you.
You coming too?
Yes, I'm not gonna leave
her in the hallway.
Okay. It's a safe hallway, but anyway.
You remember Joanna Hoffman? She's
the head of marketing for the Mac.
Good to see you.
Nice to see you. Hello, Lisa.
We've met before, and you told
me you like the way I talk,
and that was my favorite
thing anyone's ever said to me.
- You're from Poland.
- Yes, I am.
- Do you know where that is?
- The top of the Earth.
I think you're thinking of the North Pole.
Well, we're a little
pressed for time, so...
I'll leave you guys alone.
Why do you wanna leave
when you just said...
I'm gonna check in with Hertzfeld.
We're trying to get a
computer to say hello,
but right now it's being very shy.
Would you come help me? Is that okay?
Sure.
Thank you.
My dad named a computer after me.
I'm not your...
Actually, do you know what
a coincidence is, Lisa?
No.
Like if you met someone.
You made a new friend
and her name was Lisa too.
That would be a coincidence.
"Lisa" stands for "Local
Integrated Systems Architecture."
L-I-S-A.
It's a coincidence.
- You about done?
- Yeah.
Okay.
Come. Let's make that computer say hi.
Go ahead, Lisa.
So it was the other way around.
I was named after the computer?
Nothing was named after
anybody. It's a coincidence.
Come on.
What's the matter with you?
What's the matter with you? Why
are you telling her these things?
Why are you still telling
her I'm her father?
- A judge told her you're her father.
- No, he didn't.
Where the hell do you get off
telling Time magazine
I've slept with 28 percent
of the men in America?
- That's not...
- Where do you get off?
That's not remotely what I said.
It's right here.
First of all, can I tell you
something about Time magazine?
I believe it's a training
facility for paid assassins.
- "Jobs insists"... I am quoting...
- I didn't invent math.
"twenty-eight percent of
the male population of the United States
could be the father."
I wasn't saying you've slept
with 28% of American men.
I was using an algorithm
based on the blood test
which said there was a 94.1%
chance that I'm the father.
You're trying to publicly
paint me as a slut and a whore.
Believe me, I'm not trying to
publicly do anything with you.
Two million people read
Time. How am I supposed...
It would be more if they
put me on the cover,
but Dan Kottke decided
to kidney-punch me...
- I applied for welfare yesterday.
- I'm sorry?
- Hello!
- I said I applied for welfare yesterday.
The Time article said your
Apple stock was worth $441 million,
and I wanted to ask you
how you felt about that.
Well, I feel like Apple stock
has been dramatically undervalued.
This would be a good time to get in.
Your daughter and her mother...
- Chrisann...
- are on welfare.
We're living in a hovel in Menlo Park.
We can't pay the heating bills.
She sleeps in a parka.
- Your daughter...
- She's not my daughter!
Because, as reported
by Time magazine,
I've slept with 28%
of the men in America?
No.
All of them, exactly nine
months before Lisa was born.
I've got Andy here.
Excuse me.
We're there?
- Hey, Chris.
- Hey, Andy.
- How are you doin'?
- Terrible.
You guys caught up now?
Excuse me for saying hello to my
friend, who thinks you're a dick.
- I don't think you're a...
- We're there?
No. It's got a one-in-six
chance of working.
Goddamn it.
Well, we're not a pit crew at Daytona.
This can't be fixed in seconds.
You didn't have seconds.
You had three weeks.
The universe was created
in a third of that time.
Well, someday you'll have
to tell us how you did it.
Here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna announce the names of
everyone who designed the launch demo.
I'm gonna introduce everyone
and ask them to stand up.
The bag was designed by Susan Kare.
The Macintosh font that's scrolling across
the screen was designed by Steve Capps.
The starry night and
skywriting was Bruce Horn.
MacPaint, MacWrite, Alice,
down to the calculator.
And then I'm gonna say the
voice demo that didn't work
was designed by Andy Hertzfeld.
Steve...
Five-in-six is your chance of surviving
the first round of Russian roulette,
and you've reversed those odds.
So unless you wanna be disgraced
in front of your friends,
family, colleagues,
stockholders and the press,
I wouldn't stand here arguing.
I'd go try and get some
more bullets out of the gun.
Do it, Andy!
Stop. You.
- What size shirt do you wear?
- Me?
Does anyone know what size shirt
he wears? What size shirt I wear?
Does anyone know where
the closest psychiatrist is?
The disk fits in your pocket.
I need a shirt with a breast
pocket. I can take it out onstage.
- A shirt?
- The disk!
I need a white shirt in my
size with a breast pocket.
Yes. Which one of the no
stores that are open at 8:45
do you want me to have someone run
to and return from in 15 minutes?
Go out in the lobby, find someone
my size who's wearing a white shirt.
Tell them I'll trade
them for a free computer,
and they get to keep my shirt.
Does it have to be a
white shirt? Is blue okay?
No. The Mac is beige, I'm beige, the
disk is blue, the shirt has to be white.
Andy?
Hello, I'm Macintosh.
Bring me the head of Andy Hertzfeld.
I tried to get it to
say hello, but it's shy.
Yeah.
So that's it?
That's it.
I don't get it.
I know.
What are people going to do with it?
Lisa, how old are you now?
- You know how old she is.
- How old are you, Lisa?
Five.
Come sit here for a minute.
Do you know what this is?
- It's a computer.
- It's a computer.
Can I borrow your hand for a second?
Point that arrow and click.
You don't have to, but if you
want, you can play with it.
Nothing you can do will break it,
so just do whatever you want with it.
What are you doing?
I'm paying you exactly what
the court ordered me to pay you.
$385 a month.
I'm not the one who decided on that amount.
And I'm asking you how you feel.
If you feel all right.
If it feels all right to
you that your daughter...
She's not my...
That your daughter and
her mother are on welfare
while you're worth $441
million for making that.
I'm proud to say Apple donates
computers to underfunded schools,
and we'll be doing more
of the same with the Mac...
What?
Apple donates millions of dollars'
worth of computers to schools.
What does that have to do with...
Imagine an underprivileged kid that has
their favorite teacher with them 24 hours.
We're minutes away from
being able to do that.
In your head, was that
an answer to my question?
Tell me the question again.
I wasn't the one who sued
you for child support.
- No, let...
- San Mateo County sued you.
No, let me explain what happened,
'cause I have plenty of time right now.
Excuse me. You have a visitor.
Just wanted to say good
luck. Hey, Chrisann.
- Hello, Woz.
- Hang on.
- Just wanted to say good luck.
- Thanks. You too.
- It's a big morning.
- Yeah.
You should see this crowd out there.
This crowd, it's like, um...
I can't really wait for you to
come up with a metaphor, man.
Yeah. So, listen, I
want to ask you a favor.
Yeah?
Can you acknowledge the Apple
II team in your remarks?
I cannot.
Just an acknowledgement.
Have them stand up.
- We're launching the Mac.
- It'd be a morale booster.
Just a mention so they could
get a round of applause.
- Just a mention.
- Can we stick a pin in this for a minute?
- Sure.
- Thank you.
Just talking about an
acknowledgement for the team.
I've got Chrisann in there.
I'll see you in a second.
Yep.
That.
What?
You asked me what people are gonna
do with it. They're gonna do that.
One of the engineers.
Thank you.
Do you like it?
I'm sorry?
It's an abstract.
You used MacPaint.
Push that key and the "S" at the same time.
Now type your name.
Do you know which box says "Save"?
Right. Go ahead and click on it.
I'll put some money in your account
and buy you a new house,
someplace near a decent school.
Thank you.
Woz wants a minute.
And Sculley's asking for you.
We're done?
Could you teach me more things?
On the computer?
Lisa, wait for me in the hall, please.
You can put your coat on in the hall.
Bye, Lisa.
- Bye.
- Lisa, in the hall. Now.
I wanna know, when you say you're
gonna put money in my account,
how much we're talking about.
It's a school day. She
needs to be in school.
I'm gonna give you whatever you need.
Woz wants me to acknowledge
the Apple II team.
You must be able to see
that she looks like you.
I don't want to insult Woz. I
just think it's backward-looking
at exactly the wrong moment.
- I know you heard what I said.
- I heard what you said, Joanna.
It's just we're about to do this thing.
At 9:41, the planet's gonna shift
on its axis nigh and forever.
Two most significant
events of the 20th century:
The Allies win the war and this.
This.
So maybe right now isn't the
very best time to scold me
for not being a better father
to a kid who's not my kid.
- The test said I...
- I don't care what the test said.
I don't care about 94.1%
or the insane algorithm you used
to get to 28% of American men.
Buying her a new house.
I'm giving her money.
There's a small girl who
believes you're her father.
That's all. That's all the math there is.
She believes it. What are
you gonna do about that?
God sent his only son on a suicide mission,
but we like him anyway
because he made trees.
We're gonna sell a million
units in the first 90 days.
20,000 a month after that.
So maybe you could give
me a break, Ms. Hoffman?
- Woz.
- Hey.
There's nothing in that vending
machine that won't kill you.
- Just browsing.
- Let's take a walk.
- Can I tell you something?
- Yeah.
After the meeting in Maui, the Apple
II team was upset and angry and down.
Do you know why?
Because the Apple II
wasn't mentioned even once?
The Apple II wasn't mentioned ev...
Yes, that's it. You have it. Yes.
- That wasn't an oversight.
- They know that. They know it wasn't.
I don't wanna make a
big deal out of this...
That's entirely within your power.
- The Apple II is...
- The Apple II is what was, my friend.
The Apple II is what pays the bills
around here and has for seven years.
And if you embarrass these people,
you are going to see a brain
drain at this company, my brother.
Markkula took you off the Lisa, not
them and not me, so don't blame...
Markkula took me off the
Lisa because of his
strong religious objection
to making it good.
Now I gave you everything
you wanted on the Apple II.
You don't ask for a lot?
There wasn't a single fight you lost.
Do you concede the slots are the
reason for the success of the Apple II?
We can't still be
talking about the slots.
I have a point.
It's been seven years. You're still
doing it. You're talking about the slots.
There's something wrong with you.
This argument started in the garage.
What are you talking about? Why
would you only want two slots?
A printer and a modem.
With eight slots, you...
This is a huge deal that we
were able to add eight slots.
I appreciate the engineering,
but it's not what we're doing.
- And thank God I won that argument...
- Woz.
Because the open system is what
people love about the machine,
and it's why it sold and still sells.
An open system. We're
not doing an open system.
Of course we are. That's what people want,
and the breakthrough on the Apple II...
People don't know what they
want until you show it to them.
Serious users want to customize. They
wanna modify. They wanna jack it up.
They want hardware engineers like
me to expand its capabilities, okay?
Keyboards for music, better sound board,
better display boards,
improved memory cards.
And it's why there are
3,000 people here right now.
The slots are what allowed the Apple II
to run, for just one example, VisiCalc,
which from my guess single-handedly sold
between 200,000 and 300,000 machines.
- They want slots.

They don't get a vote.
When Dylan wrote "Shelter from the Storm," 

he didn't ask people to
contribute to the lyrics.
Plays don't stop so the
playwright can ask the audience
what scene they'd like to see next.

Painters...

Hobbyists...

We're on the verge of
a tectonic... Hobbyists?
A printer and a modem. Two slots.

The Apple II team has my affection,
but I'm not loving up a seven-year-old
product at The Mac launch.

Computers aren't paintings.

Steven Paul Jobs :

Fuck you.
I'm gonna say "fuck you" every time you
say that until you either die or stop.
- Steve...
- Try it.
- Steve.
- Say it.
Computers aren't paintings.
- Fuck you, Yes, they are, 

and what I want is a closed system.
End-to-end control. 

Completely incompatible with anything.

Woz :

...... Computers aren't 

supposed to have human flaws.

I'm not going to build this one with yours.
Steve!
Hey.

Steven Paul Jobs :
Today is about the Macintosh.
And the Mac is mine.
- I give you that.

Steven Paul Jobs :

Thank you.

I give you that. Just publicly
acknowledge The Apple-II Team
'cause it's the right thing to do.

We'll know soon enough if you are
Leonardo da Vinci or just think you are,
but in the meantime, it would be great...

Steven Paul Jobs :
In the meantime, the Apple II is done.
Seven years. It was a great run.
You should go out in the
house and take your seat.

The Mac is Jef Raskin's.

Steven Paul Jobs :

Say it for me.

Woz :

"Computers aren't...

Steven Paul Jobs :

Fuck you.

All right.
Five, six...

Steven Paul Jobs :

We're there?

I need more time.

Steven Paul Jobs :

You can't have it.

20 minutes.

Steven Paul Jobs :
It's 8:58.

We can start late.

Steven Paul Jobs :
Hear me. We're A Computer company. 

We can't start late.

Then I have another idea.

Steven Paul Jobs :

What?

It's deceptive and borderline unethical.

Steven Paul Jobs :

I'm listening.

It'll run on the 512.

Steven Paul Jobs :

You tested it?

Yeah.

Wait. You're gonna demo

a 128k-computer on a 512k?

Steven Paul Jobs :

Nobody's gonna know.

And you think that's borderline unethical?

Steven Paul Jobs :

Name my other choices, please.

Ms. Melnitz :

Please. You have to tell me why it's

so important for it to say 'Hello'.

Steven Paul Jobs :

Hollywood. They made
computers scary things -- 

[Drags her over to a pair of Macs, points at one -- ]
See how this reminds you of a friendly
face, that the disk slot is a goofy grin?
It's warm and it's playful
and it needs to Say 'Hello'.
It needs to say 'Hello', because it can.
We're not committing fraud.
The 512 is gonna ship in under a year.
Will you absolve me of your
Eastern European disapproval?

Ms. Melnitz :

The Computer in 2001

said Hello all the time

and it still scared

the shit out of me.

Steven Paul Jobs :

Absolve me.

Ms. Melnitz :

......Just for this.

And just for now.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
founding board member Mike Markkula.

All right. Okay.

Go make a dent in the universe, Steven.

Steven Paul Jobs :
See you in a couple hours.

Harold Ramis Day -- 2/2/22

Cast of ‘Groundhog Day' reunites at Navy Pier for first time since movie...

Thank you, Richard Hensel you you probably recognise Richard is one of the original D.J. voices you heard over, and over, and over, and over, and over again in Groundhog Day 

Welcome, Campers to this yeah to uh to this the inaugural inaugural Harold Ramis Day here in Chicago, with a special celebration for the film Groundhog Day for which Harold co-wrote the script directed and acted-in, playing The Neurologist; he even co-wrote the opening song 'Weatherman'.... 

I'm David pasy I was I was in the film just a little bit more than you uh I also got to know Harold working on other stuff with him on stage with me here today are many of the actors you remember from Groundhog Day and today is the first time we've officially reunited since the film premiered in 1993 I can't think yeah right I can't think of a better occasion uh to get together than this hero haral RIS Harold yeah yeah this was a great film but we're here for Harold uh Harold was a writer actor producer and director he was and still is a comedy Legend it's hard to believe that a decade has gone by since he died in 2014 a native of the city Harold loves Chicago one of his first jobs was writing for the Chicago Daily News and then was hired as Playboy magazines joke editor yeah Harold got his comedy chops training at the renowned SE City Theater uh with with this fell uh he excelled in improvisation and went on to be a mainstage performer later sharing the stage with John Belushi and this fella uh eventually writing and starring onv the Emmy winning sketch show Harold's first screenplay Animal House was one of the highest grossing comedies of all time followed by a collaboration with this fell Brian Doyle Murray on the script for catty Shack which would be one of the first of 11 films that Harold directed he and briyan even created a role for Brian's little brother Bill after his success in Hollywood with movies like Stripes Ghostbusters in Groundhog Day Harold relocated his production offices and his family back to Chicago while still creating his films and directing television shows like the office always work from the top of your intelligence was one of the Second City mantras Harold lived by today we are here to honor Harold from the top of his intelligence gave us so much laughter joy and so many quotable lines like 

don't cross the streams 

be the ball 

never hit anyone in Anger unless you're absolutely sure you can get away with it and

0.0 

Also today with us is Harold's wife Erica man hand [Applause] Rings just do that um hi it's really great to see everybody oh my god um and I would like to thank all of you and all the actors who came today because it just makes Harold live on and on and on and um I would like to also thank Grant deporter and uh his team here at Harry car's and Marilyn Gardner and her team at Navy Pier and the Sable Hotel um and also Senator Durban and the alderman that came it it's really made this a very very special day um I have a surprise letter that came at the last minute from Barack Obama President Obama and I'd like to read it to everyone gathered to celebrate Harold Ramis and Groundhog Day as a chicagoan and a fan of great movies I'm so glad that this is how you've chosen to spend Harold re's day Harold's movies make us laugh but they also do more than that they encourage us to root for the underdog to identify with the outsider and to remember that we are always capable of changing for the better so enjoy the festivities that's what Harold would have wanted and who knows maybe you'll wake up tomorrow and get to do it all over again I have one more thing to say I I met the drummer from the movie Inside Rio and he told me some memories about Harold and one thing he said was he was a scrable master and Harold would have loved to have heard that today so thank you Rio thank you Erica that was lovely uh and how about that uh that was a president of the United States of America um next I would like to welcome Senator Dick Durban to share a few words about Harold oh come on he's a local come on it's an honor to be here and the reason I'm here is not just because of a great fan of Harold Ramis and all of his work but because of a little coincidence we politicians can tell you that the newspapers often publish our birthdays and ages and I noticed every time my birthday showed up there was a fellow right next to me named Harold whus and I eventually figured it out we were born on exactly the same day so I use that as an excuse to meet him here at Navy Pier for the first time and I said we ought to get together for dinner thinking it would never happen but it did happen ER Letta Harold and I went out to dinner several times and enjoyed the friendship he was a wonderful guy a funny guy uh he told me a lot of stories about Bill Murray I'm sure some of them are true and he told me about his directorial debut Erica in cattyshack when he stood out there and decided he was going to pick the setting for the camera and whoever was advising him said then we're going to have to chop down that bush and move that car he said what do you suggest over here he said that's exactly where we're going he said he had to learn it on the job uh he was a great fun and a great inspiration to all of us with a genuine sense of humor and caring I'm sorry the speech isn't a little better it'll get better tomorrow and it'll even better the day after it's great to be here with you thank you thank you Senator um we uh I I was up there for a little while and I remember the was such everybody talks about how how funny and smart Harold was but I'm here to tell you he was also very kind uh and that was the thing that I remember going up there I I like like I'm I'm in one scene but he brought me around and introduced me to everybody as though I was uh he made me feel like a part of it and uh he that was whenever I worked with him it always felt like that you always he made you feel like you were an integral part of whatever you were doing um and we're going to hear from from other folks about uh their experiences up or with Harold uh and right now uh Nancy Taylor from the film Marita g hi I'm so happy that I was invited to be here to celebrate Harold I worked with a lot of nice people but I never worked with anyone like Harold he was so so warm he was so welcoming he was calm even though he was creative there was just nobody like him and working with him acting in the movie was wonderful he was a wonderful director the set had a wonderful Vibe but I wanted to tell you about a story that I remember more than the acting which is one day at lunchtime Harold was playing his guitar so no stress he's calm enough to be playing his guitar and he shared with me that he was practicing a song that he was going to surprise his wife with I think their anniversary was coming up yes and we talked about her on multiple occasions and I've never had a director who was busy leading movie share so much about someone in his family that he loved so he ruled the game he was a writer director actor extraordinaire and he kept his family and those he loved in his heart and gave them equal weight and that's what I remember most about him so Erica was wonderful thank you and uh Robin Duke uh Doris the waitress ladies and gentlemen Rob Mark coffee hun what a great line to have I just have to say that you know working with Harold every time was a gift and I still feel like I'm receiving gifts from Harold uh being here today the lovely hotel room that I'm in I always feel like he's around and in my life and it was such a joy to know him and to laugh so much with everything I did with Harold there was always laughter around I particularly remember being in the van with Brian and Chris Elliot and just laughing on the way to set and on the way home and during uh you know during my performance in front of the camera so and Harold was always there but you never really knew he was there he was just so calm like who's directing this movie he never he was the best and and I'm just so happy to have been a part of his life and uh thank you all right more coffee hunt thanks very much Robin and uh Kenny Campbell Kenneth uh Hudson Campbell uh you may remember him as man in the hallway but in reality so much more morning off Che the groundhog think it's going to be an early spring I think it is um you know Hollywood's great because you get to work sometimes with your Heroes and couple people people right here who are my heroes and Harold was certainly one of my heroes and a chance to work with him was uh unbelievable one I couldn't pass up um he changed my name in The Script it was chubby man and I said Harold it's going to be chubby man on my resume for the rest of my life could you please change it and he changed it to man in Hall which I think I could do now I think I could be man in hall now so he changed it for me and I really appreciate that um and if you happen to see the musical Groundhog Day the musical which I know bill was there it's beautiful it was fantastic from what I hear and I know he was a big fan but he was credited as chubby man in the music CL I just want to point that out but um they had trouble casting a man in the hall it's true it's true um but uh but Harold was just what like everybody's saying he was wonderful and uh I was happy to be there was happy to get the chance and uh well just thanks to him and thank you very much and everybody who's here today great um there was a a lapse Pam Casper true force of nature uh needs to be thanked and recognized thanks for everything uh very uh a very big part of all we're doing today um and now uh hey uh Peggy roer our piano teacher the most fun I ever had on a a set was with Harold RIS doing this movie uh because of his kindness his uh the fact that there was no stress he just kept telling me to do it bigger and bigger and bigger which is not usually what you hear in a movie it's always smaller smaller smaller and he loved anything comic and he kept encouraging that I think in all of us and so it was great fun and I'm forever grateful to him yeah so um yeah uh and now it's time for a ceremony right yeah I think it's time to -- Brian, do you have something to say...? 

Bill :

Oh yeah let me go before Bri --

Master of Ceremonies :

.....okay then, Bill 

Bill :

I'm -- [Applause] [Music] -- sorry.... uh, 

you know we've heard a lot about Harold; 

Let's Talk about The Weather, okay --

It's it appears that we're going to have a very early spring -- how... (cheers) let's hear it for that! Kind of.

 ....and I'm reminded that when we made Groundhog Day we lived in Woodstock and it was (woo-hoo!)-- Hey, can you give me a ride home after...? -- uh, it was the longest winter of Our Lives it was the longest winter ever, it would not end, which was great for the movie, because even in April, we were getting huge like 8 inches of snow and uh they go like wow we can reshoot that scene so we stayed out there in the cold it was freezing it was a very, very long and it's colder in Woodstock than it is in Chicago, believe it or not -- it's slightly higher anyway.... 

That was all I got to say about The Weather, but I think it's great that we're here and I think it's nice to have, you know -- I don't want to be too Irish, but it's very nice of -- for Harold to make us a nice mild day for today you know he's up there stirring the clouds around and making that low pressure move out Indiana and just drench and ruin those people's lives over there in Indiana.... (polite laughter) but, uh it's warm here and it's beautiful -- it's a beautiful city and -- 

I got to know Harold through my brother, Brian, they uh -- 

They took care of me and let me hide out in Oldtown when I was uh just A Troublemaker from the NorthShore so uh they took care of me and uh, -- I learned a lot from from those guys from Brian and Joe flare (?) and Harold Ramis, um and Eugene Ross-leming (?) those people were wonderful to me very kind and it's the kindness of those people that really made it possible for me to um avoid The Penitentiary and to have have, ah some sort of A Life --

Uh, just as my brother used to say How Do You Justify Your Existence?, so I got -- I'm able to keep a job, I'm a Union man come on I'm a union guy, I'm a union guy and I love it it's um -- 

It's great to be here in the in the greatest city in the United States of America, great -- We should recognise Danny Rubin who, uh -- conceived the screenplay and and and really was a guy who uh who doesn't get enough credit because he lives in The Boondocks, you know if he lived in a big city, but he's a shy fellow but a very talented one; he made it all possible he gave us all the script that we could all all the actors did better than the script didn't we all do better and and that was Harold and Danny who made it possible to be better than the movie is, than the script -- that's your job as an actor, is to take The Work, take what you're given and make it better and we all got to do that --

Harold made it possible but the guy who made it possible for me the most is sitting next to me uh he's The Mayor of Punon Pennsylvania in the film, and uh he's uh one of the greatest people I've ever known in my life he's my brother Brian Doyle.

Well thank you Bill um I'm very happy to be here uh with all of you folks and all these wonderful actors in Erica and uh my friendship with Harold goes Way Beyond uh Groundhog Day we started in the Second City in the workshop in 1968 and then worked on radio stage uh TV movies and uh I learned a lot from him he was the smartest guy I knew the very talented guy and just the sweetest man you'd ever know and uh the most important thing I ever got from him he gave me the opportunity working on Groundhog Day to work with my wife who is a veterinarian now but before she was a veterinarian she was an assistant director in the film business and before that she was a production assistant most notably on ground Haw day so thank you Harold for giving me the opportunity need to meet my life partner I love you thank you all um last but certainly not least please welcome a oh yes we have a few more oh wait a minute thank uh yeah uh we have the drummer from the Groundhog Day party Don Rio McNichols there he is and our cameraman Ary Goan who right there he was the cameraman in the movie for uh and we even have some Ghostbusters here came ready to answer their call and the uh EO mobile wonderful uh there are a few more cast members who were unable to be here in person but wanted to share a few words about Herald on this special day and so we'll watch them listen hi folks I'm Chris Elliot I played Larry the cameraman and ground hard day and I'm sorry I'm not there to reminisce uh with you about Harold and about this incredible movie which I'm so proud to have been part of and uh really proud to hear that the Library of Congress is preserving it that's that is incredible um I'm actually in another movie that's in the Library of Congress called Cabin Boy and it's 30th Anniversary ceremony so hopefully we'll see you all there too I remember shooting Ground Hog Day I remember laughing in the van with Robin Duke on our way to the set I remember eating a lot of baby back ribs and drinking a shitload of Remy Martin with Brian Doyle Murray apparently the Murr is like alcohol um but even with friends like that I was a little intimidated on the set and uh Harold knew that about me and every morning I would show up and he would give me a huge bear hug um that always made me feel welcomed and made me feel wanted and I've I've never forgotten that it didn't stop them from giving me notes on my performance which you know were usually things like bring it down a little bit 

Chris it's going to be on a big screen bring bring it down just a little bit but he was protecting me um I remember when we had wrapped Groundhog Day we were all in San Francisco doing the Press junket and uh I herniated a disc in my back and uh when all was said and done and I was ready to fly home Harold arranged for a bodyguard um who looked a lot like or was Dolph lungren to come to the hospital and take me to the airport and literally carry me onto the plane and uh --

That was Harold, always thinking about Other People and you know, his talent aside -- to me his legacy is his kindness 

And uh, in fact -- when I think about Harold and his kindness I think what a piece of s**t I am, so I don't think about him that often but Harold thank you for the memories I love you I miss you God bless you Happy Groundhog Day and uh I'm going to have A Drink because all this talk about Remy Martins triggered me 

Hello this is Steven toosi speaking to you from Dallas, Texas I was way late by a family emergency wish I could be with you in Chicago but I still would like to share three memories, thoughts of Harold Ramis if I could, 

One my audition --

My audition was terrifying because I read with Harold Ramis himself -- an actor never reads with The Director, it's terrifying -- anyway I later found out after having dinner with Danny Rubin, The Screenwriter of the movie, he said that after I auditioned Harold called him and said "We found our Ned Ryerson -- he's the most obnoxious person I've ever met in my life!" 

So, Number Two : Harold Ramis explained something to me about Comedy that I have used ever since the movie, and I want to share this -- We started that first day, that first week shooting the street scene, Bill and I, and I was doing all the -- and I was afraid I was coming across too BIG, it was a little self-conscious and I mentioned it to Harold in between shots, and Harold laughed, and he said :

"Stephen, you don't get it  -- 

You're The Schmalelle, and 

Bill is The Schlimazel. 

I said, "What are you talking about..?" 

He said, "It's The Formula for Comedy,

that it goes back to The Greeks but it's 

The Essence of Jewish Comedy, 

that to have Comedy, 

you only have to have 

Two Forces in The World, 

You have to have The Schmalelle -- 

he's The Guy who spills soup 

and The Schlimazel, he's 

The Guy who gets 

soup spilled on -

Those two in this scene, 

You are The Schmalelle, so 

You could spill soup 

all you want to 

whatever you want, but Bill 

is The Schlimazel, he has to 

Be The World --

the next thing I want to bring up why is this movie an evergreen why does it exist forever well it's easy it's a great movie it's a great story it has the touch of Science Fiction it has the touch of redemption but I think the story is great because it is a story about true love and that is because Harold Ramis was a True Believer --and you feel it in every frame he believes in love and he's offered it to us as a gift and we share it year after year after year on this state I now drink the toast to a great man a great comic a great director a great mind a great heart the man who knew the true love is forever Harold Ramis I wonderful uh let us also uh raise a glass to uh rea's favorite drink in Groundhog Day which was inspired by Eric Man rus' favorite drink sweet vermouth on the rocks with a Twist let's raise our glasses into toast to the life and career of Harold Ramis, and to The Groundhog and of course to World Peace everybody raise High over [Applause] here 

Wonderful -- and now it's Groundhog-Time! [Applause] 

The Groundhog, Chicago Harry refuses to be picked-up --

from elsewhere on the stage, Bill can be heard to yell A Warning -- "They bite....!!!"

Master of Ceremonies :

Sure, once a year the eyes of the nation tune in to watch A Master at work the master Chicago Harry the world's most famous weatherman the groundhog who Legend has it can predict the coming of an early spring so I guess the question we have to ask ourselves today is does Harry feel lucky here to translate what Chicago Harry has to say we have Buster green the president of the groundhog Society take it away [Applause] buster who big fight [Applause] [Music] [Music] this February 2nd Chicago Harry the heral of Heralds the sear of Sears the prognostic prator of prognosticators emerge reluctantly in Chicago Illinois and stated in groundhogeese "I definitely see a shadow." sorry folks six more weeks a [Applause] winner all well who doesn't love winner uh and now to take our minds off Harry's chilling prediction and make it offic and make it officially Harold Rus day please welcome Alderman Brendan Riley afternoon we going to make it official a resolution presented to the city council of the city of Chicago Illinois resolution celebrating Harold RIS day whereas Harold Allen RIS comedy Legend and Native Chicago and passed away on February 24th 2014 and whereas in honor of the 10th anniversary of his passing the cast of brown Hog Day will join Erica man Rus Harold's wife for their first reunion since the film's release fittingly on February 2nd 2024 and whereas the Chicago city council has been informed of this Milestone by The Honorable Brenan Riley otoman of the 42nd Ward and whereas growing up in Rogers Park Harold graduated from s High School and Washington University in St Louis before returning to Chicago and working as a freelance writer for the Chicago Daily News as a writer and editor for Playboy and is a substitute teacher at school serving Robert Taylor homes and whereas moving from the radio waves in the small screen to the Silver Screen Harold embarked on a prolific film career writing directing and acting sometimes all three in Classics such as Groundhog Day National Lampoon's Animal House catty Shack Stripes Ghostbusters National Lampoon Vacation analyze this and of course Grand Groundhog Day and whereas while many of his films remain comedy Classics Groundhog Day in particular would go on to receive widespread popular and critical Acclaim winning the bafta film Award for best original screenplay and being named to the writer Guild of America's 101 greatest screenplays in the American Film institute's 100 funniest movies and whereas in addition to winning the bafta for Groundhog Day Harold's contributions to Comedy have been recognized by the writer Guild of America the Chicago film critics Association the critic Circle the New York film critic Circle The Academy of Canadian Cinema and television the world science fiction society and the Academy of interactive arts and science as well as being awarded honorary doctorates in the Arts from Columbia College and Washington University and whereas at the height of his success Harold left Hollywood and returned to the Chicagoland area to raise his family and gave back to his hometown by serving on the boards of the Goodman Theater after school matters facets multimedia and the institute for psychoanalysis and whereas after a life of plan to the top of his intelligence Harold reis's talent and vision will continue to inspire generations of Comedians and writers to find their own voice as Herold once said my characters aren't losers they're Rebels they win by their refusal to play by anyone else's rules now therefore be it resolved that we the mayor and members of the city council of the city of Chicago hereby declare the second day of February 2024 Groundhog Day now for Forever More in perpetuity over and over again to be Harold RIS day and Via further resolve suitable copy of this resolution prare to present it to The Herald and family and it's a sign of our honor and respect signed mayor Brandon Johnson and Alman Brenan [Applause] Riley thank you thank you so much how about that's a quite a quite a wonderful thing good for the city to recognize the The Genius of Herold um Happy official Harold Ravis day and thank you to everyone who joined us today for this special Groundhog Day ceremony and helping us celebrate Harold RIS day shout out to the many fans that came to embrace Harold by wearing costumes from his other movies uh thank you to Navy Pier for embracing this event if you walk about the pier you will see Groundhog's face in the center of the ferris wheel hear the soundtrack playing throughout the speaker system and see the film being played on the big screen by the crystal Gardens if at the bar at Harry carries is full be sure to check out some of the other restaurants on the pier who have joined in on the festivities reunion Margaritaville and N LCA are all offering Groundhog Day themed food and beverage specials and the Sable hotel is transformed into the Pennsylvanian hotel for the day in honor of the film thank you to the Navy peer team for all your help and a very special thank you to Chicago Harry for joining us today he'll be available until 6:30 p.m. for media hpan interactions and photo ops uh it's been a pleasure to revisit the world of Groundhog Day with you all today I'm not sure if you noticed but that Ice Angel sculpture is is uh is an exact replica of the one that bill made in the movie and we even have a snowman thank you all again and uh may you please turn your attention to Stage Left where Max from noo ice NATO ice is uh live carving a special Groundhog Day ice sculpture as we speak thanks again to everyone and see you tomorrow at 6 o' w

The Hitcher

Sure -- he said he understood....

But I could see in his eyes that he didn't.

He was lying to Me.....!!

Was there no Communication in this car....?

Had we decended to the 

level of dumb beasts...?

Where The Buffalo Roam (1980) - Clip 3: Road Trip!

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas Hitch Hiker Scene

Once Upon A Time In Hollywood - Cliff gives a ride to Pussycat

Full Interview With Kai, The Homeless Hitchhiker With A Hatchet [OFFICIA...

Negan :

What did he have on him?

Simon Negan :

A Hatchet.

Negan (tickled) :

A Hatchet....?

Daddy Knows Best

(WIND WHISTLING)

Danny, Champion 

of The World :

Here's what 

we're gonna do.

You're gonna stay in the car, 

keep the heater running.

I don't want you spending a minute 

inside there if you don't have to.

She can only come from here.

You can see her a mile out, easy.

You see lights on the mountain 

over there, you blast me, okay?

But I don't want you going in. 

Not until she's here.

Abra :

You aren't waiting with me?

Danny, Champion 

of The World :

I can't.

Abra :

Why not?

Danny, Champion 

of The World :

I have to wake it up.

Excerpt from : From PSYOP to MindWar :

The Psychology of Victory (1980)

by Maj.General Michael Aquino, 

US Naval Intelligence, NATO, 

Church of Satan,

Temple of Set --

"....According to the present doctrine, PSYOP is considered an accessory to the main effort of winning battles and wars; the term usually used is “force multiplier”. It is certainly not considered a precondition to command decisions. Thus PSYOP cannot predetermine the political or psychological effectiveness of a given military action. It can only be used to point that action in the best possible colours as it is taken.

MindWar cannot be so relegated. It is, in fact, the strategy to which tactical warfare must conform if it is to achieve maximum effectiveness. The MindWar scenario must be preeminent in the mind of the commander and must be the principal factor in his every field decision. Otherwise he sacrifices measures which actually contribute to winning the war to measures of immediate, tangible satisfaction. [Consider the rational for “body counts” in Vietnam.]

Accordingly PSYOP “combat support” units as we now know them must become a thing of the past. MindWar teams must offer technical expertise to the commander from the onset of the planning process, and at all levels down to that of the battalion. Such teams cannot be composed - as they are now - of branch-immaterial officers and NCOs who know simply the basics of tactical propaganda operations. They must be composed of full-time experts who strive to translate the strategy of national MindWar into tactical goals maximize the effective winning of the war and minimize loss of life. Such MindWar teams will win commanders respect only if they can deliver on their promises.

What the Army now considers to be the most effective PSYOP - tactical PSYOP - is actually the most limited and primitive effort, due to the difficulties of formulating and delivering messages under battlefield constraints. Such efforts must continue, but they are properly seen as reinforcement of the main MindWar effort. If we do not attack The Enemy’s will until he reaches the battlefield, his nation will have strengthened it as best it can. We must attack that will before it is thus locked in place. We must instill in it a predisposition to inevitable defeat.

Strategic MindWar must begin the moment war is considered to be inevitable. It must seek out the attention of the enemy nation through every available medium, and it must strike at the nation’s potential soldiers before they put on their uniforms. It is in their homes and their communities that they are most vulnerable to MindWar. Was the United States defeated in the jungles of Vietnam, or was it defeated in the streets of American cities?

To this end MindWar must be strategic in emphasis, with tactical applications playing a reinforcing, supplementary role. In its strategic context, MindWar must reach out to friends, enemies, and neutrals alike across the globe - neither through primitive “battlefield” leaflets and loudspeakers of PSYOP nor through the weak, imprecise, and narrow effort of psychotronics - but through the media possessed by the United States which have the capabilities to reach virtually all people on the face of the Earth.

These media are, of course, the electronic media - television and radio. State of the art developments in satellite communication, video recording techniques, and laser and optical transmission of broadcasts make possible a penetration of the minds of the world such as would have been inconceivable just a few years ago. Like the sword Excalibur, we have but to reach out and seize this tool; and it can transform the world for us if we have the courage and the integrity to enhance civilization with it. If we do not accept Excalibur, then we relinquish our ability to inspire foreign cultures with our morality. If they then desire moralities unsatisfactory to us, we have no choice but to fight them on a more brutish level.

MindWar must target all participants if it is to be effective. It must not only weaken the enemy; it must strengthen the United States. It strengthens the United States by denying enemy propaganda access to our people, and by explaining and emphasising to our people the rationale for our national interest in a specific war.

Under existing United States law, PSYOP units may not target American citizens. That prohibition is based upon the presumption that “propaganda” is necessarily a lie or at least a misleading half-truth, and that The Government has no right to lie to The People. The Propaganda Ministry of Goebbels must not be a part of the American way of life.

Quite right, and so it must be axiomatic of MindWar that it always speaks the truth. Its power lies in its ability to focus recipients’ attention on the truth of the future as well as that of the present. MindWar thus involves the stated promise of the truth that the United States has resolved to make real if it is not already so.

MindWar is not new. Nations’ greatest - and least costly - victories have resulted from it, both in time of actual combat and in time of threatened combat. Consider the atomic attacks on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The physical destruction of those two cities did not destroy Japan’s ability to continue fighting. Rather the psychological shock of the weapons destroyed what remained of Japan’s national will to fight. Surrender followed; a long and costly ground invasion was averted."

Yes Prime Minister - Salami Tactics and Nuclear Deterrent

Strategist :

Prime Minister -- you do believe 

in The Nuclear Deterrent ....?

[ nods ]

Strategist :

Why? 

Prime Minister :

.... Why..? 

Strategist :

Whom? 

[ blank look ]

Strategist :

Whom does it deter? 

Prime Minister :

The Russians, 

from attacking Us. 

Strategist :

Why?

Prime Minister :
Why, because They know They can't 

threaten to launch an attack, or

I'd press The Button.

Strategist :

You would? 

Prime Minister :

.....wouldn't I? 

Strategist :

Well, would you? 

Prime Minister :

.....as a last resort, yes --

 ....yes, I certainly would,  well -- 

...I think I certainly would -- 

Strategist :

And what is the last resort?

Prime Minister :

.....if The Russians were to 

invade Western Europe 

Strategist :

But you only have 12 hours to decide, so 

the last resort is also the first response, 

is that what you are saying....? 

Prime Minister :

.....am I...?

Strategist :

(chuckles) You don't need to worry --

Why should The Russians annex the whole 

of Europe...? They can't even control Afghanistan. 

No, if They try anything, it 

will be Salami Tactics --

Prime Minister :

 Salami Tactics....?

Strategist :

Slice by slice -- one small piece at a time.

So, would you press The Button 

if They invade West Berlin?

Prime Minister :

....it all depends on what --

Strategist :

Scenario one : Riots in West Berlin --

Would you press The Button?

Buildings in flames; East German Fire Brigade 

crosses the border to help -- 

Would you press The Button? 

The East German police come with them --

The Button? 

There's some troops, more troops, 

"just for riot control", They say, and then 

the East German troops are replaced 

by Russian troops -- 

Button? 

The Russian troops don't go, 

They are invited to stay to support 

civilian administration; 

the civilian administration closes roads 

and Tempelhof Airport --

Now, you press The Button...?

Prime Minister :

....I need time to think --

Strategist :

....Button?

 

Prime Minister :

....I need time to think about --

Strategist :

You have 12 hours 

Prime Minister :

....you're inventing this --

Strategist :

You are Prime Minister today 

the phone might ring now 

from NATO Headquarters --

Hello, yes....?  

NATO headquarters, Prime Minister -- 

Can you address their annual 

conference in April 

Prime Minister :

-- I thought I could 

I'm not so sure, now --

Strategist :

Yes, 

Scenario Two : Russian army maneuvers 

take Them accidentally-on-purpose across 

the West German frontiers --

Prime Minister :

.....at the last resort -- 

Strategist :

All right --

Scenario Three : Suppose The Russians have 

invaded and occupied West Germany, Belgium, 

Holland, France -- suppose tanks and troops 

have reached The English Channel, suppose

 They are poised for an invasion --

is that the last resort 

Prime Minister :

....no.

Strategist :

Why not? 

Prime Minister :

We'd only fight a nuclear war to defend ourselves;

How could we defend ourselves 

by `committing suicide...?

So what is the last resort, Piccadilly?! 

Watford Gap Service Station....?! 

The Reform Club...?!

So, when would you 

Press The Button...?!

Prime Minister :

.....I would if I had 

No Choice.

Strategist :

But They're never going to put you into 

a position where you have no Choice, 

They'll just continue to keep-on

with Their Salami Tactics --

Dr. Disco : 

What is it that you actually want?

(A long pause.)

Bonnie : 

War.

Dr. Disco : 

Ah. Ah, right. 

And when this war is over, when you have a homeland free from humans, what do you think it's going to be like? Do you know? Have you thought about it? Have you given it any consideration? Because you're very close to getting what you want. What's it going to be like? Paint me a picture. Are you going to live in houses? Do you want people to go to work? Will there be holidays? Oh! Will there be music? Do you think people will be allowed to play violins? Who's going to make the violins? Well? Oh, you don't actually know, do you? Because, like every other tantrumming child in history, Bonnie, you don't actually know what you want. So, let me ask you a question about this brave new world of yours. When you've killed all the bad guys, and when it's all perfect and just and fair, when you have finally got it exactly the way you want it, what are you going to do with the people like you? The troublemakers. 

How are you going to protect your 

glorious revolution from the next one?

Bonnie : 

We'll win.

Dr. Disco : Oh, will you? Well, maybe, maybe you will win! But nobody wins for long. The wheel just keeps turning. So, come on. Break the cycle.

Bonnie : Why are you still talking?

Dr. Disco : Because I want to get you to see, 

and I'm almost there!

Bonnie : Do you know what I see, Doctor? A box. A box with everything I need. A fifty percent chance.

KATE: For us, too.

(Both women have their hands poised over the buttons. The Doctor resumes Games Host mode.)

Dr. Disco : And we're off! Fingers on buzzers! Are you feeling lucky? Are you ready to play the game? Who's going to be quickest? Who's going to be luckiest?

KATE: This is not a game!

Dr. Disco : No, it's not a game, sweetheart, and I mean that most sincerely.

(Do a search on Hughie Green if you don't get the reference.)

Bonnie : Why are you doing this?

KATE: Yes, I'd quite like to know that, too. You set this up. Why?

Dr. Disco : Because it's not a game, Kate. 

This is a scale model of war. Every war ever fought, right there in front of you. Because it's always the same. When you fire that first shot, no matter how right you feel, you have no idea who's going to die! You don't know whose children are going to scream and burn! How many hearts will be broken! How many lives shattered! How much blood will spill until everybody does what they were always going to have to do from the very beginning --

Sit down and talk! 

(sigh) Listen to me. Listen, I just, I just want you to think. 

Do you know what thinking is? It's just 

a fancy word for changing your mind.

Bonnie : 

I will not change my mind.

Dr. Disco : 

Then you will die stupid. Alternatively, you could step away from that box, you can walk right out of that door and you could stand your revolution down.

Bonnie : 

No! I'm not stopping this, Doctor. I started it. I will not stop it. 

You think they'll let me go, after what I've done?

Dr. Disco : 

You're all the same, you screaming kids. 

You know that? "Look at me, I'm unforgivable." 

Well, here's the unforeseeable. I forgive you.

 

After all you've done, 

I forgive you.

Bonnie : 

You don't understand. 

You will never understand.

Dr. Disco : 

I don't understand? Are you kidding? Me? 

Of course I understand. I mean, do you call this a war? 

This funny little thing? This is not A War! 

I fought in a bigger war than you will ever know. 

I did worse things than you could ever imagine. 

And when I close my eyes I hear more screams 

than anyone could ever be able to count!

 And do you know what you do with all that pain? 

Shall I tell you where you put it? 

You hold it tight till it burns 

your hand, and you say this :

"No one else will ever have to live like this. 

No one else will have to feel this pain. 

Not on my watch!"

(Kate closes the lid of the red box and steps back.)

Dr. Disco : 

Thank you. Thank you.

KATE: 

.....I'm sorry.

Dr. Disco : 

I know. I know. Thank you. 

(to Clara-Z) Well?

(Long, long pause --)

Bonnie : 

It's empty, isn't it? Both boxes. 

There's nothing in them. 

Just buttons.

Dr. Disco :

 Of course. And do you know how 

you know that? Because you've 

started to think like me.

(Clara-Z drops her hand away from the buttons.)

Dr. Disco : 

It's hell, isn't it? No one should 

have to think like that. 

And no one will. Not on our watch. 

(their eyes meet) Gotcha.

Bonnie : 

How can you be so sure?

Dr. Disco : 

Because you have a disadvantage, Zygella. 

I know that face.

KATE: 

This is all very well, but we know 

the boxes are empty now. 

We can't forget that.

Dr. Disco : 

No, well, er, you've said 

that the last fifteen times.

(He sonics the memory filter in the ceiling. Bang! 

Osgood leans an unconscious Kate against a rack of stuff.

 Clara-Z closes the blue box.)

Bonnie : 

You didn't wipe my memory.

Dr. Disco : 

No. Just Kate's. 

Oh, and your little friends'

 here, of course. (The Zygons) 

When they wake up, they won't remember 

what you've done. It'll be our secret.

Bonnie : 

You're going to protect me?

OSGOOD: 

You're One of Us now, 

whether you like it, or not.

Bonnie : 

I don't understand how 

you could just forgive me.

Dr. Disco : 

Because I've been 

where you have. 

There was another box. I was going 

to press another button. 

I was going to wipe out all of 

my own kind, man, woman and child. 

I was so sure I was right.

Bonnie : 

What happened?

Dr. Disco : 

The same thing that happened to you. 

I let Clara Oswald get inside my head. Trust me. 

She doesn't leave.