WPC : Yaz and The Rize of The British Policewoman

"Grown-ups really shouldn't need to call The Internet Police to sort it out for them."

Les Miserables isn't 

about The Policeman.

Jamie :

So, you’re sort of like a  — 

World Secret Police..?

Brig. Lethbridge-Stewart :

Well, no, we don’t actually arrest people — we just investigate.

[Call centre / Tardis] 

POLLY: 

UK Security Helpline. 

This is Polly. How can I help?

Our Lady : 

I'm sorry, what? 

POLLY: 

UK Security Helpline. 

How can I help?

Our Lady : 

Get me Kate Stewart at UNIT. 

This is a code zero emergency.

POLLY :

I don't know what that is, I'm afraid. 

Which organisation did you say?

Our Lady : 

UNIT. Unified Intelligence Taskforce. 

This is incredibly urgent. 

The fate of the entire planet is at stake.

POLLY: 

Checking for you. 

Oh, I'm so sorry. 

UNIT operations have been suspended pending review. 

Our Lady : 

What? No, it can't have been. 

UNIT is a fundamentally vital protection for planet Earth against alien invasion.

POLLY: 

Yes, but when did that last happen?

Our Lady : 

Now! Right now!

What happened to it?

POLLY: 

Just checking. 

All UNIT operations were put on hold following financial disputes and subsequent funding withdrawal by the UK's major international partners.

Our Lady : 

You're kidding. 

POLLY: 

Other Armed Forces are available if you can answer a couple of questions to help me best direct your call.

(The Doctor ends the call.)

Our Lady : 

We're on our own. 

The Austro-Hungarian Empire was the ideal model of a Police State.

It copied (and perfected) the French model refined during the Revolutionary, Napoleonic and post-Napoleonic eras.

It was said of the Hapsburg Empire of Prince Metternich, it was maintained by —

A Standing Army of Soldiers

A Sitting Army of Bureaucrats

A Kneeling Army of Priests 

and 

A Creeping Army of Informants

This is why I am so interested by the timeliness of the new BBC adaptation of Les Miserables —

And, by Bane knitting —

The Colourful Jester : 

It is a far, far better thing that I do than I have ever done. 

It is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known...
 

(Mel comes running in) 

MEL: 

Never mind the Sydney Carton heroics!

You're not signing on as a martyr yet. 

The Colourful Jester :

Go away, Mel. Go away. 

MEL: 

That trial was an illusion...!

(The tumbril vanishes and the Doctor falls onto the cobblestones.)
 

The Colourful Jester :

Ow! You've ruined everything!

Run, You Brilliant Girl —

and

BE A DOCTOR

A young Police Constable approaches two squabbling women. Her attitude to policing seems to channel Sgt Cawood from Happy Valley.

SONIA: 

She smashed it with a hammer!

JANEY: 

Cos you keyed me nearside door!

SONIA: 

Because you parked in my spot!

JANEY: 

It's not your spot. 

There are no spots.

YAZ: 

Ladies, please! 

Thank you. 

Can I suggest a simple solution? 

 “ Never Ask for Permission, It’s a Complete Waste of Time. ” 

— Tony Benn 

You pay for her cracked window,

 you pay for her scratched door, 

and we all agree that parking round here is a nightmare —

But that grown-ups really shouldn't need to call The Police to sort it out for them. 

Now, if we're all agreed on that, 

there's no need for me to take any further Police Action and we can all get on with our lives. 

What do you reckon?

[Police car / Police station]

YASMIN: 

I'm just saying,  
I am capable of more 
 than parking disputes.

RAMESH: 

And I keep telling you, 

Don't run before you can walk. 

You're a probationer, Yaz. 

Learn The Basics.

From Who? (See What I Did There..?)  

— She was sent out to attend the parking incident solo, so she already  knows “The Basics of Routine Community-Policing”, well enoughto do it unsupervised, without additional officers or back-up, whilst sleep-walking underwater, and with the lights off for the entire street, as well as the next 3 streets on either side. 

She Doesn’t Need Supervision

And They Know That.

Because She’s unpartnered — and out there on her own.

YAZ : 

I want to do more. 

Can you not get them to give me something that'll test me? 

Something a bit different.

RAMESH: 

There is something that just came in....

If you want ‘different’....

“For a over a Thousand Generations, The Jedi Knights were the Guardians of Peace and Justice in The Old Republic —”

“We Can Only Protect You;

We Can’t Fight a War for a You.”

“We’re Not Soldiers.”

“Before The Dark Times —

Before The Empire.

But There are Alternatives to Fighting.

You Must Face Darth Vader, Again.

BILL MOYERS: 
We downloaded something from your Web site the other day and there you were talking about how you wanted the Jedi to be more than just fighters. 

You wanted them to be “spiritual,” but you didn’t say what you meant by that?


GEORGE LUCAS: 
Well, I — I guess they’re like ultimate father figures or negotiators. 

And — and at this point in time they are — 

They’re sent out to negotiate a — a deal.


They help to put forth answers where people are in the middle of a dispute.




GEORGE LUCAS: 
They’re aren’t an aggressive force at all. 
They try to — Conflict Resolution, I guess, is what you might — 

Intergalactic Therapists.

“This is an Unexpected Move for Her — it’s too aggressive.”

Ah,

1985 :

Courageous and Creative Living

“ The inspirational teachings in this collection show that The Real Way of The Warrior is based on Compassion, Wisdom, Fearlessness, and Love of Nature. 

The teachings are drawn from the talks and writings of Morihei Ueshiba, founder of the popular Japanese martial art of Aikido, a mind-body discipline he called the “Art of Peace,” which offers a nonviolent way to Victory in the face of Conflict. 

Ueshiba believed that Aikido principles could be applied to all the challenges we face in Life—in personal relationships, as we interact with Society, and at Work and in Business.

“Aikido is the Way of Harmony. 

It brings together people of all races and manifests the original form of all things. 

The Universe has a single source, and from that core all things emerged in a cosmic pattern. 

At the end of WWII, it become clear that the world needed to be purified of filth and degradation, and that is why Aikido emerged. 

In order to eliminate war, deception, greed, and hatred, the gods of peace and harmony manifested their powers. 

All of us in this world are members of the same family, and we should work together to make discord and war disappear from our midst. 

Without Love, our nation, the world, and the universe will be destroyed. 

Love generates Heat and Light. 

Those two elements are actualized in physical form as Aikido. As the last aspect of creation, human beings came into existence as an actualization of all higher powers. 

Human beings represent all of creation and we must bring the divine plan to fruition. 

The purpose of education is to open your spirit. Modern education has forgotten this. 

The entire Universe is a huge open book, full of miraculous things, and that is where true learning must be sought. 

In that spirit, take responsibility, train hard, develop yourselves, bloom in this world, and bear fruit.”

Oh, there it is. The silly old universe.
The more I save it, the more it needs saving. It's a treadmill.
 
Yes, yes, I know. 

They'll get it all wrong without me. 

I suppose one more lifetime wouldn't kill anyone. 

Well, except me.
You wait a moment, Doctor.
Let's get it right. 

I've got a few things to say to you. 

Basic Stuff first. 
Never be cruel, 
Never be cowardly, 
and 
Never, ever eat pears! 
Remember -

Hate is always Foolish

and 

Love is always Wise. 

Always try to be nice, 

but never fail to be kind. 

Oh, and you mustn't tell anyone your name. 
No one would understand it, anyway. 
Except, ah! 

Except children.

 Children can hear it sometimes. 
If their hearts are in the right place, and the stars are too, children can hear your name. 

Argh! But nobody else.
Nobody else, ever.
 
Laugh Hard
Run Fast
Be Kind

Doctor - I let you go. 






(The TARDIS materialises.) 

OUR LADY : 

Don't shoot!
 

A DALEK Named 'FRED' :

- In Honour of Alfred The Great -

EXTERMINATE! 

(The energy blast illuminates a forcefield around the TARDIS.)
 

OUR LADY :

Do you think I'm daft enough to stand here without shields? 

It's safe, gang! 

DALEK-FRED : 

Hide behind your shield, Doctor, you and your human friends. 

You have failed. 

OUR LADY :

Say hello to a Dalek.

DALEK-FRED : 

Signal activation in nine rels. The fleet shall be summoned.
 

OUR LADY :  

No, it won't. 

No matter how many times you try, 

No matter how long you wait, 

I'll always be in your way

Backed up by The Best of Humanity. 

Now, final, final, final warning, 

‘cos I'm nice. 

( I really do try my best. )

Stop the signal, get off this planet.
 

DALEK-FRED : 

You are not my commander.

OUR LADY :

 I tried. You heard me, right? 

I tried! I gave it a chance. 

YAZ :

Yeah. 

O-RYAN: 

Yep. 

GRAHAM: 

You did. 

OUR LADY: 

I'm fast enough, right? 

 I'm fast enough for this plan? 

O-RYAN: 

Er, probably. 

YAZ : 

Maybe. 

GRAHAM: 

Possibly.

OUR LADY :

Well, that one needs work. 

Here's a New Year message for you to send. Earth is protected by me and my mates, this year and every other. 

Here we go!

(She sonicks off the forcefield and runs to our left while the others go right.)

DALEK-FRED : 

Exterminate The Doctor! 

The Doctor must be destroyed!

(She slides up behind the Dalek.)

OUR LADY :: 

Now, gang!

On the First Day 

of The Year 2019, 

Across the Land and Sky of Britain,

An Army of Unlikely Friends 

came together to face 

An Impossible Opponent

 and 

Prevailed.

Tilting at Windmills

Tilting at Windmills

I see What You Did There -

I love Qixotic Jokes.

ROOSEVELT: 

Where's Jax?

I hear he's your new president.

CHIBS: 

He's not here.

What do you want?

ROOSEVELT: 

Are you guys aware of the violence that's happening in Charming?

Two home invasions in less than a week.

CHIBS: 

Contrary to popular belief... we can read.

TIG: 

Why, you think we had something to do with it?

ROOSEVELT: 

Three weeks ago an unidentified man ran down Veronica Pope in what we can assume was an attempted hit on Laroy Wayne.

No witnesses came forward yet, but... some folks are saying that they saw the One-Niners chasing after a group of guys on motorcycles.

CHIBS: 

Really?

ROOSEVELT: 

First home invasion was Lynette Brice, one of your croweaters.

2:30 this morning, Wade Steiner was attacked in his own kitchen.

He's a mechanic here at the TM.

Do you, uh, see the pattern here?

If these home invasions are retaliation by Pope or the Niners...

TIG: 

We ain't heard of any beefs, man.

ROOSEVELT: 

No?

TIG: 

No.

ROOSEVELT: 

Hm.

Then who would attack your auto parts truck outside of Modesto last night?

HAPPY: 

Angry Pirates.

ROOSEVELT: 

I don't give a shit if Pope blows up every goddamn truck of yours, but not in my quadrant.

One innocent gets hurt, and I make Pope look like an altar boy, you understand?

CHIBS: 

I see what you did there.

I love Catholic jokes.

TIG: 

You know, remember the two nuns?

CHIBS: 

Yeah.

TIG: - 

They walk into a dyke bar... 

CHIBS: - 

Hey! Bobby!

(laughing)

You’re Built Over LOT of Death

RYAN: 

So, today I want to talk about 

The Greatest Woman I Ever Met. 

Smart, funny, caring. 

Proper special. 

My nan. 

Because... she died.

[Ryan's bedroom]

RYAN: 

First me mum six years ago, and now me nan. 

It's like the best people get taken first. 

I had a lot to learn from her 

and I were looking forward to that. 

She died like she lived, 

trying to Help Other People. 

I love you, Nan, and tomorrow 

I'm going out there for you.

[Moors]

(Amazingly, the bike is still rideable - but Ryan still keeps falling off, bless.) 

RYAN: 
Three, two, one... 

(The Doctor watches from a distance as Ryan keeps trying and falling and trying again.)

[Chapel]

 

Our Lady :

What time did Your Dad say he'd get here? 

RYAN: 

Two hours ago. 

Our Lady :

If he said he'll come... 

RYAN: 

He says a lot of things. 

He's never been the best at being reliable. 

I mean, how can he not be here? 

She's His Mum. 

She would've wanted him here. 

I want him here. 

(The memorial service has started.) 

GRAHAM: 

Lots of you knew Grace longer than me, so I can't stand here and pretend to know everything about her. 

I wasn't her first husband, 

but she said I would do for a second attempt. 

I can only tell you about the Grace I met, 

when I thought I didn't have much time left. 

The... the Grace that showed me 

Life had more to offer, and... 

And I know if she was here now, 

she'd tell us not to be so sad. 

You see, I can hear her saying to me, 

Graham, we had three glorious years, 

what're you complaining about? 

I'm complaining because I wanted more. 

You see, Grace was a better person than I could ever be. 

And I should have gone and... 
Grace should still be here.

[Outside Ryan's home]

Our Lady : :

What did you mean in your speech, 

you thought you'd run out of time? 

GRAHAM:
Oh, well, er, I had cancer and er...
Well, strictly speaking, I'm still in remission, 

three years gone.
And Grace was my chemo nurse.

That's where we met and fell in love. 

So by rights, I shouldn't even be here. 

YASMIN:
Have you got family?

The Woman :

No. Lost them a long time ago. 

RYAN: 

How do you cope with that?

The Woman :

I carry them with Me. 
What they would've thought and said and done. 
I make them a part of Who I Am. 

So even though they're gone from The World, 
they're never gone from Me. 

THE ELDER : 
That's The Sort of Thing 

Grace Would Have Said.

(Everyone is asleep except Victoria, who has the gun. The Doctor yawns and Victoria turns the weapon on him. He raises his arms in surrender.)

The Cosmic Hobo :

I'm on your side, remember? 

Hey, why didn't you wake me? 

I should have been on watch half an hour ago.

VICTORIA: 

I thought you should rest. 
 
The Cosmic Hobo :

Why me?

VICTORIA: 

No reason really.
 
The Cosmic Hobo :

Oh, I think I know. 

Is it because I'm...

VICTORIA : 

Well, if you are 450 years old, 
you need a great deal of sleep.
 
The Cosmic Hobo :

Well that's very considerate of you, Victoria, 
but between you and me, 
I'm really quite lively actually, all things being considered.

(The Doctor takes the gun.)

The Cosmic Hobo :

Are you happy with us, Victoria?

VICTORIA:

Yes, I am. 

At least, I would be if my father were here.

 
The Cosmic Hobo :

Yes, I know, I know.

VICTORIA: 

I wonder what he would have thought if he could see me now.
 
The Cosmic Hobo :

You miss him very much, don't you?

VICTORIA: 

It's only when I close my eyes. 

I can still see him standing there, before those horrible Dalek creatures came to the house. 

He was a very kind man, 

I shall never forget him. Never.

The Cosmic Hobo :

No, of course you won't. 

But, you know, 

the memory of him 

won't always be 

a sad one.

VICTORIA: 

I think it will —

You can't understand, 

being so ancient.
 
The Cosmic Hobo :

Eh?

VICTORIA: 
I mean old.
 
The Cosmic Hobo :

Oh.

VICTORIA: 

You probably can't remember 

Your Family.

 
The Cosmic Hobo :

Oh yes, I can when I want to. 

And that's The Point, really —

I have to really want to, 

to bring them back in 

front of my eyes. 

The rest of the time 

they sleep in my mind, 

and I forget. 

And so will you. 
Oh yes, you will. 

You'll find there's so much else to think about. 

So remember, our lives 

are different 

to anybody else's. 

That's the exciting thing. 

There's nobody in The Universe can do what we're doing. 

You must get some sleep and let this poor old man stay awake.

Jodie Won't Fail

" Each Life creates The Next - no wonder Time Lords and Buddhists get on so well. " 

- The Chorister

"The Old Man must die;

and The New Man Will Discover,

to his inexpressible joy,

that He has never existed...!"

- Buddhist/Time Lord Aphorism

K'Ampo Rimpoche

"This is above all Strangeness..."

" This Doctor keeps cropping up all over the place. 

Political diaries, conspiracy theories, even ghost stories. No first name, no last name, just The Doctor. 

Always The Doctor. 

And the title seems to have been passed down from Father to Son. 

It appears to be an inheritance.... "

- Clive Finch, 2005

Not-Shakespeare :

Perhaps it's time I wrote about Fathers and Sons, 
in memory of my boy, my precious Hamnet. 

MARTHA: 

Hamnet? 

Not-Shakespeare :

That's him. 

MARTHA: 

Hamnet? 

Not-Shakespeare :

What's wrong with that? 

Old Grandfather

The Cosmic Hobo

The Established Dandy

The Exception That is The Rule

The Chorister

The Colourful Jester

Time's Champion

Life's Champion

Intermezzo

"You were The Doctor on The Day it Was Impossible to Be The Doctor"

The Designated Survivor

Perfect-10

( The Life So Nice, I Lived it Twice )

The Chin

Dr. Disco - The Wait of The Whirled

(Davros is crying.)

Dr. Disco :
Okay, don't ever tell anyone that I did this...

(He waves his hand around until a golden glow forms.)

Dr. Disco :
A little bit of regeneration energy.

Probably cost me an arm or a leg somewhere down the line.

Or, I'll just be really little....

The Wait of The Whirled: 

Sontarans! Perverting the Course of Human History! 

I Don't Want to Go. 

When The Doctor, When The Doctor Was Me. 

When The Doctor Was Me. 

It's starting. 

I'm regenerating. 

No! No! No! No! No! No! 

(The Regeneration stops, and The TARDIS has materialised.) 

The Wait of The Whirled: 

Where have you taken me? 
If you're trying to make a point, I'm not listening. 

I Don't Want to Change Again. 

Never Again! 

I Can't Keep on Being Somebody Else. 

Wherever it is, I'm staying. 

( He runs outside and the Cloister Bell sounds. )

[Snowstorm]

The Wait of The Whirled: 

No! 

( He plunges his hands into the snow with a sizzle - )

( HE HEALS THE EARTH )

( The Regeneration stops again. ) 

The Wait of The Whirled: 

I Will Not Change. 

Old Grandfather: 

I Will Not Change.

I Will Not!

No, no, no, no. 

The Whole Thing's ridiculous. 

The Wait of The Whirled: 

Hello? Is someone there? 

Old Grandfather: 

Who is that? 

The Wait of The Whirled: 

I'm The Doctor. 

(The elderly figure in checked trousers, cape, scarf and astrakhan hat comes into view.) 

Old Grandfather : 

The Doctor...? 

Oh, I don't think so. 

No, dear me, no. 

Old Grandfather : 

You may be a doctor, 

but I am The Doctor. 

The Original, you might say!

The Woman.

"The Old Man must die * ;

and The Woman Will Discover,

to Her inexpressible joy,

that She has never existed...!

...and so She says :

'Oh, brilliant...!' indeed, matey!

" To Sherlock Holmes she is always The Woman. I have seldom heard him mention her under any other name. In his eyes she eclipses and predominates the whole of her sex. 

It was not that he felt any emotion akin to love for Irene Adler. All emotions, and that one particularly, were abhorrent to his cold, precise but admirably balanced mind. He was, I take it, the most perfect reasoning and observing machine that the world has seen, but as a lover he would have placed himself in a false position. He never spoke of the softer passions, save with a gibe and a sneer. They were admirable things for the observer—excellent for drawing the veil from men’s motives and actions. 

But for the trained reasoner to admit such intrusions into his own delicate and finely adjusted temperament was to introduce a distracting factor which might throw a doubt upon all his mental results. Grit in a sensitive instrument, or a crack in one of his own high-power lenses, would not be more disturbing than a strong emotion in a nature such as his. 

And yet there was but One Woman to him.

I had seen little of Holmes lately. My marriage had drifted us away from each other. My own complete happiness, and the home-centred interests which rise up around the man who first finds himself master of his own establishment, were sufficient to absorb all my attention, while Holmes, who loathed every form of society with his whole Bohemian soul, remained in our lodgings in Baker Street, buried among his old books, and alternating from week to week between cocaine and ambition...

*****

"What a Woman—oh, what a Woman!” cried the King of Bohemia, when we had all three read this epistle.

"Did I not tell you how quick and resolute she was? Would she not have made an admirable queen? Is it not a pity that she was not on my level?”

“From what I have seen of The Lady, she seems, indeed, to be on a very different level to your Majesty,” said Holmes coldly.

[ He ain't kidding... ]

“I am sorry that I have not been able to bring your Majesty’s business to a more successful conclusion.”

“On the contrary, my dear sir,” cried the King; “nothing could be more successful. I know that her word is inviolate. The photograph is now as safe as if it were in the fire.”

“I am glad to hear your Majesty say so.  [ Because I failed - She beat me.  And She knows that She did. And then didn't rub my nose in it by gloating over having humiliated and emasculated me (and The King) in front of my client and employer - who is The King. And a Fool. ]”

“I am immensely indebted to you. Pray tell me in what way I can reward you. This ring—” He slipped an emerald snake ring from his finger and held it out upon the palm of his hand.

[ What a Tool... ]

“Your Majesty has something which I should value even more highly,” said Holmes.

“You have but to name it.”

“This photograph!”

The King stared at him in amazement.

“Irene’s photograph!” he cried. “Certainly, if you wish it.”

“I thank your Majesty. Then there is no more to be done in the matter. I have the honour to wish you a very good morning.” He bowed, and, turning away without observing the hand which the King had stretched out to him, he set off in my company for his chambers. 

And that was how a great scandal threatened to affect the kingdom of Bohemia, and how the best plans of Mr. Sherlock Holmes were beaten by a woman’s wit. He used to make merry over the cleverness of women, but I have not heard him do it of late. And when he speaks of Irene Adler, or when he refers to her photograph, it is always under the honourable title of The Woman.

[ * Letting go, as He does so, to thelast  physical renmant of the mourning of The Memory of Prof. River Song ]

The Woman

Our Lady