Too Much Effort

Baldrick: 

Permission to ask a question, sir…

Edmund: 

Permission granted, Baldrick, as long as isn’t 

the one about where babies come from.

Baldrick: 

No, the thing is : 

The way I see it, these days 

there’s a war on, right? 

and, ages ago, there 

wasn’t a war on, right? 

So, there must have been a moment when 

There Not being A War on 

went away, right? And 

There being A War on came along.

 

So, what I want to know is :

How did we get from the 

one case of affairs 

to the other case of affairs?

 

Edmund: 

Do you mean,

“How Did The War start?”

 

Baldrick: 

Yeah.

George: 

!!!…The War started 

Because of The Vile Hun and 

His villainous Empire-building.

 

Edmund: 

George, The British Empire at present 

covers A Quarter of The Globe,

while The German Empire consists 

of a small sausage factory in Tanganyika. 

 

I hardly think that we can be entirely absolved of Blame

on The Imperialistic front.

 

George: 

Oh, no, sir, absolutely not. 

(aside, to Baldick)

Mad as a bicycle!

 

Baldrick: 

I heard that it started when 

A Bloke called Archie Duke 

shot an ostrich ’cause he was hungry.

 

Edmund: 

I think you mean it started when 

The Archduke of Austro-Hungary 

got shot.

 

Baldrick: 

Nah, there was definitely an ostrich involved, sir.

 

Edmund: 

Well, possibly. 

But The Real Reason 

for the whole thing was that 

It was just Too Much Effort 

not to Have a War.

 

George: 

By Gum, this is interesting; 

I always loved History — 

The Battle of Hastings, 

Henry VIII and his six knives, all that.

Edmund: 

You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war in Europe, 

 Two Superblocs Developed : 

Us, The French and The Russians 

on One Side, 

and The Germans and Austro-Hungary 

on The Other. 

The idea was to have 

Two Vast Opposing Armies, 

each acting as 

The Other’s deterrent. 

That Way, 

There could never be A War.

Baldrick: 

..but this is a sort of A War, 

isn’t it, sir?

Edmund: 

Yes, that’s right. 

You see, there was 

A Tiny Flaw in The Plan.

George: 

What was that, sir?

 

Edmund: 

It was BOLLOCKS.

 

 

 

 Carninal Woolsey :

 You opposed me in The Council, 

this morning, Thomas. 

 

Yes, Your Grace. 

 

Carninal Woolsey :

….you were the only one.

 

Yes, Your Grace. 

 

You're A Fool. 

 

I Thank God there is only one fool on The Council. 

 

Carninal Woolsey :

Why did you oppose me? 

 

I thought Your Grace was wrong.

 

Carninal Woolsey :

A matter of Conscience. 

You're a constant regret 

to me, Thomas. 

If you could just see facts flat on,

without that horrible moral squint. 

With a little Common Sense, 

you could have made A Statesman. 

 

The King. Where's he been? 

Do you know? 

 

I, Your Grace? 

 

 Carninal Woolsey :

Oh, spare me your discretion. 

He's been to play in the muck again. 

He's been to Mistress Anne Boleyn. 

Moore — Are You Going to Help Me? 

 

If Your Grace will be specific —

 

Carninal Woolsey :

You're a plodder! 

All right, we'll plod. 

The King wants A Son. 

What are you going to do about it? 

 

I'm very sure The King needs no advice from me 

on what to do about it. 

 

Carninal Woolsey :

Thomas, We're alone. 

I give you My Word, 

there's no one here. 

 

I didn't suppose 

there was, Your Grace. 

 

( He’s genuinely surprised and taken aback — because, of course, the study door has been deliberate left a few inches ajar by Cromwell on his way out, having granted Moore admittance, before retiring to beyond a margin of a discreet and plausibly deniable Safe Distance further down the cavernous, echoing Oak-Panelled corridors of Hampton Court.  )

Carninal Woolsey :

Oh. 

Do you favour a change of Dynasty, Sir Thomas? 

Do you think two Tudors are sufficient? 

 

For God's sake, Your Grace! 

 Carninal Woolsey :

Then He Needs A Son. 

I repeat, What are You 

Going to Do About it? 

 

I pray for it daily. 

 

Carninal Woolsey :

God's Death, he means it…..!

That Thing Out There.... 

at least she's fertile. 

 

But She's not His Wife.

 

 Carninal Woolsey :

No, Katherine's His Wife

and she's barren as a brick. 

Are you going to pray for a miracle? 

 

There are precedents. 

 

 Carninal Woolsey :

All right. Good. Pray by all means. 

But in addition to prayer, 

there is Effort. 

And My Effort is to secure 

A Divorce. 

Have I Your Support, 

or Have I Not? 

 

The Pope gave a dispensation, 

so that The King might marry 

His Brother's Widow, 

for State Reasons. 

We are to ask The Pope 

to dispense with His Dispensation, 

also for State Reasons? 

 

Carninal Woolsey :

I don't like plodding, Thomas. Well? 

 

Then, clearly all we have to do 

is to approach His Holiness 

and ask him. 

 Carninal Woolsey :

I think we might influence the 

decision of His Holiness. 

By argument? 

Carninal Woolsey :

Argument, certainly. 

And…. pressure. 

 

Pressure —applied to The Church? 

 

Carninal Woolsey :

The Church and, Church Property.  

Pressure. 

 …..

No, Your Grace -- 

I'm not going to help you. 

 

Carninal Woolsey :

Then goodnight, Master Moore. 

Let The Dynasty die with Henry VIII 

and we'll have dynastic wars again—

Blood-witted barons 

ramping The Country 

from end to end. 

Is that what you want? 

 

Very well. England needs An Heir. 

Certain…. measures, 

perhaps regrettable... 

perhaps not….as much in 

a Church which needs Reformation, Thomas. 

 

All right, regrettable. 

But necessary to get us An Heir. 

Now, explain how you, 

as A Councillor of England, 

can obstruct these measures….

For The Sake of Your Own 

Private Conscience. 

 

I think, that when 

Statesmen forsake their 

Own Private Conscience 

for The Sake of their Public Duties,

They lead Their Country 

by a short route — to Chaos. 

 

And we shall have 

My Prayers to fall back on.

 

Carninal Woolsey :

You'd like that, wouldn't you? 

To govern The Country with prayers? 

 

 

Yes, I should. 

 

 Carninal Woolsey :

I'd like to be there when you try.

Who will wear this after me? 

Who's our next Chancellor? 

You? Fisher? Suffolk? 

 

Fisher, for Me. 

 

Carninal Woolsey :

Aye, but for The King? 

What about My Secretary, Master Cromwell? 

 

Cromwell…. He's a very able Man. 

 

Carninal Woolsey :

But? 

 

Me, rather than Cromwell. 

 

 Carninal Woolsey :

Then, come down to Earth. 

Until you do... 

...You and I are enemies. 

 

As Your Grace wishes. 

 

Carninal Woolsey :

As God Wills. 

 

Perhaps, Your Grace. 

 

Carninal Woolsey :

Moore…

You should have been A Cleric! 

 

Like yourself, Your Grace? 

 

Carninal Woolsey :

Goodnight, Sir Thomas.

1981

I was beginning to realise that the only way to make this evening bearable would be to 

Ask André A Few Questions. 

Asking Questions 

always relaxes me.

In fact, I sometimes think that 

my secret profession is that 

I'm a Private Investigator, 

A Detective. 

I always enjoy 

finding out 

about People. 

Even if they're in 

absolute agony, 

I always find it 

very interesting.

 The Life of a Playwright is tough. 

It's not easy, as some people seem to think. 

 

You work hard writing plays, 

and nobody puts them on. 

 

You take up other lines of Work 

to try to make A Living... 

I became An Actor... 

and people don't hire you. 

 

So you just spend your days doing 

the errands of your trade. 

Today I'd had to be up by 10:00 in The Morning

to make some important phone calls. 

 

Then I'd gone to the stationery 

store to buy envelopes. 

Then to the Xerox shop. 

There were dozens of things to do. 

By 5:00pm I'd finally made it to The Post Office,

and mailed off several copies of my plays -- meanwhile 

checking constantly with my answering service to see 

if my agent had called with any acting work. 

 

In The Morning, The Mailbox 

had just been stuffed with bills.

 What was I supposed to do? 

How was I supposed to pay them? 

After all, I was already doing My Best. 

 

I've lived in This City all My Life. 

I grew up on The Upper East Side, and 

when I was 10 years old, I was rich, 

I was an aristocrat, 

riding around in Taxis, 

surrounded by Comfort,

and all I thought about 

was Art and Music. 

 

Now I'm 36, and 

all I think about 

is Money. 

 

It was now 7:00pm and I would have liked nothing better 

than to Go Home and have My Girlfriend Debby

cook me a nice, delicious dinner. 

 

But for the last several years 

our financial circumstances have forced Debby 

to work three nights a week as a waitress. 

 

After all, somebody had to bring in a little Money. 

So I was on My Own. 

 

But The Worst Thing of All was 

that I'd been trapped by 

an odd series of circumstances 

into agreeing to have Dinner with 

A Man I'd been avoiding literally for years. 

 

His Name was André Gregory. 

At one time he'd been a very close friend of mine, 

as well as My Most Valued Colleague in The Theatre. 

 

In fact, he was 

The Man Who Had First Discovered Me,

and put one of My Plays on the professional stage.

 

When I'd known André, he'd been at the height of his career as a theater director 

 

The amazing work he did with his company the Manhattan Project... Had just stunned audiences throughout the world. But then something had happened to André, He dropped out of the theater. He sort of disappeared, For months at a time, his family seemed only to know that he was traveling... In some odd place like Tibet... which was really weird because he loved his wife and children. He never used to like to leave home at all, Or else you'd hear that someone had met him at a party and he'd been telling people... that he talked with trees or something like that. 

 

Obviously, Something Terrible 

had happened to André --

 

The whole idea of meeting him made me very nervous. 

 

I mean, I really wasn't up for that sort of thing, 

I had problems of my own. 

 

I mean, I couldn't help André. 

 

Was I supposed to be A Doctor, or what? 

 

Sir, My Name is Wallace Shawn. 

I'm expected at the table of André Gregory. 

 

That table will be a moment, sir. 

If you like, you may have a drink at the bar. - Good evening, sir. 

 

Could I have a club soda, please? 

 

I'm sorry, sir. We only serve Source de Pavilion. 

 

Oh, that'd be fine, thank you. 

 

When I'd called André, 

and he'd suggested that we meet in this particular restaurant, 

I'd been rather surprised, because André's taste 

used to be very ascetic... 

Even though people have always known that he had some money somewhere. 

I mean, how the hell else could he have been flying off to Asia 

and so on, and still have been supporting His Family? 

 

The reason I was meeting André was that 

an acquaintance of mine, George Grassfield

had called me and just insisted that I had to see him.

 

 Apparently, George had been walking his dog in an odd section of town the night before, 

and he'd suddenly come upon André... leaning against a crumbling old building and sobbing. 

 

André had explained to George that he'd just been watching the Ingmar Bergman movie  

Autumn Sonata about 25 blocks away, 

and he'd been seized by a fit of ungovernable crying 

when The Character played by Ingrid Bergman had said... 

"I could always live in My Art, 

but never in My Life." 

 

Wally! 

 

Wow.

My God. 

 

I remember, when I first started 

working with André's company... 

I couldn't get over the way the actors 

would hug when they greeted each other. 

 

"Wow. Now I'm really 

in The Theater," I thought. 

 

Well, you look Terrific. 

 

 

Well, I feel Terrible. 

Kane

Rabbi...

Private property cannot be confiscated.

How long are the schools going to be closed?

I do not know.

"Article 47, pillage is formally prohibited."

You don't know anything!

I am familiar with the Hague Convention.

Religious...

They come into our house and tell

us we don't live there anymore.

It now belongs to a certain SS officer.

Please. I only know What They Tell Me.

And What They Tell Me changes from day to day.

Aren't you supposed to be able to help?

I mean, what if I just took this thing off?

What are They going to do about it?

They will shoot you.

Why don't you stop this silly talk?

Itzhak Stern!

I'm looking for Itzhak Stern.

Are you Itzhak Stern or not?

I am. 

 

Where can we talk?

There's A Company you did the

books for on Lipowa Street.

Made what? Pots and pans?

STERN :

By Law, I have to tell you sir, 

I am a Jew.

OSKAR SCHINDLER :

Well, I'm a German. 

So there we are.

 

( of-interest is the fact that he does not, at this stage (openly) conceed that you can be both -- although, Stern is Polish, in any case)

A good Company, you think?

STERN :

Modestly successful.

I know nothing about enamelware. 

Do you?

STERN :

I was just The Accountant.

Simple engineering though, wouldn't you think?

Change the machines around, whatever you do...

You could make other things, couldn't you?

Field kits, mess kits. Army contracts.

Once The War ends, forget it

but for now it's great.

You can make A Fortune, don't you think?

STERN :

I think Most People right now

have other priorities.

Like what?

STERN :

I'm sure you'll do just fine once you get the contracts.

In fact, the worse things get,

the better you'll do.

Well, I can get The Signatures I need.

That's the easy part.

Finding The Money to buy

The Company, that's hard.

STERN :

You don't have any money?

Not that kind of money.

You know anybody?

Jews, yeah. Investors.

You must have contacts in

The Jewish Business Community, working here.

STERN :

What Community? 

Jews can no longer own Businesses.

That's why this one's in Receivership.

But they wouldn't own it. I'd own it. 

I'd pay them back in Product, pots and pans.

Pots and pans.

Something they can use.

Something they can

feel in their hands.

They can trade it

on the black market,

do whatever they want.

Everybody's happy.

If you want, you could

run the company for me.

Let me understand.

They'd put up

all the money,

I'd do all the work.

What, if you don't mind

my asking, would you do?

I'd make sure it's known

the company's in business.

I'd see that it had

a certain panache.

That's what I'm good at, not the work.

Not The Work.

The Presentation.

I'm sure I don't know anybody

who'll be interested in this.

Well, They should be, Itzhak Stern.

Tell them they should be.

Different Powers

MOBIUS : 

Training goin’ well?

Main Loki :

Yeah.

MOBIUS

Is that my jet ski magazine?

Put it down. Gear up.

There’s been an attack. Let’s go.

[ Mobius hands Loki a Tactical Field Jacket ]

MOBIUS

Put it on.

Good. Yeah. Smart.

C-20 and her team went dark

shortly after they jumped into the 1985 branch.

All signs point to another ambush.

We’ve grabbed enough temporal aura 

to know it’s our Loki Variant.

But which kind of Loki, remains unknown.

Main Loki :

They’re the lesser kind, to be clear.

MOBIUS

(SIGHS) 

Let me see the back of that jacket.

( It has 'TVA' embossed on the back of it, in 18 inch yellow lettering )

Main Loki :

Hmm.

Very subtle. Well done.

MOBIUS

I don’t want anybody out there 

to forget What You Are.

[ and shooting you -- he's trying to keep him Safe. ]

Main Loki :

Oh, your only hope of capturing A Murderer?

No — A Cosmic Mistake.

MOBIUS

That’s enough.

 

Main Loki :

Lovely.

MOBIUS : 

Here’s The Deal.

When we get out on The Branch,

we’re not just looking for a Time Criminal.

We’re looking for A Loki.

A variation of this guy.

A type we should all be very familiar with,

because the TVA has pruned a lotta these guys,

almost more than any other Variant.

And no two are alike.

Slight differences in appearances, 

or not so slight.

Different Powers, 

although, Powers, generally include

Shape-Shifting, 

Illusion-Projection, 

and my favorite…

Main Loki :

Duplication-Casting.

 

MOBIUS

Illusion-Projection.

 

Main Loki :

No, they’re two completely different powers.

MOBIUS

How?

Main Loki :

Illusion-Projection involves  

depicting a detailed image from outside oneself,

which is perceptible in The External World,  

whereas 

Duplication-Casting entails  

recreating an exact facsimile of one’s own body 

in its present circumstance,

which acts as 

A True Holographic Mirror 

of its molecular structure.

But you already knew that.

MOBIUS

Okay, take a breath. Noted.

 

We’re gonna break into two teams, 

including myself and Professor Loki.

Main Loki :

Why?

MOBIUS

Because whoever this Variant is, 

we haven’t been able to find him.

[ Because you are looking for a He-Loki ]

So let’s bring in An Expert.

Main Loki :

That’s Me.

Do I get a weapon?

MOBIUS

Nah.

 

Main Loki :

Well, I’ll have My Magic back. 

Is no one concerned about that?

MOBIUS

Of what?

Main Loki :

Me Betraying You.

MOBIUS

No.

Main Loki :

Why not?

MOBIUS

You know that we can catch you.

And how’s betraying us gonna get you 

any closer to The Time-Keepers?

Main Loki :

An audience with The Time-Keepers 

is on the table?

[ No. He's just stringing you along (like A Loki).]

MOBIUS

Keep that focus.

You’d Do Well to Respect The Boy — This is HIS Kingdom.

shall be The Whole of The Law.

“ I think that this is something that is opening for the first time - I think when I was younger, the mood for Men often involved Ascension.... I mean, that’s a heavy suggestion of Christ, with Ascension. And in the 60s, as you know, with Higher Consciousness and ‘Head’ material, was very strong.

So, it seems to me that the attempt to Become a Man by ascending has not worked somehow.

And the movement I found valuable in my own life was the attempt to Go Down into certain Earth-energies or Sorrows, also.

And only recently have I begun to associate that descent with also a descent into Childhood, and into The Sufferings and Loneliness of Childhood.”

— Robert Bly.

Main Loki : 

Surely there’s something to do.

CLASSIC OLD, 

UGLY LOKI: 

There is. Survive. 

That’s all There is. 

All there ever was.

KID LOKI: 

We’re Done Talking. Let’s Go.  

(to Main Loki) 

Just Do What You Want.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Loki : 

Okay, wait, wait, wait.

Why do YOU wear The Horns? 

You let a child command you.

CLASSIC OLD, 

UGLY LOKI: 

You’ll Do Well to 

Respect The Boy — 

This is HIS Kingdom.

 

Main Loki : 

Right….. 

And what was YOUR 

Nexus Event, Your Majesty?

KID LOKI :

(shoving his knife into his belt, looks Main Loki right in the face)

I killed Thor.

The Language of The Heart

“See, I keep meeting these people... 

I mean, just a few days ago... 

I met this man whom I greatly admire. He's a Swedish physicist. Gustav Bjornstrand. And he told me that he no longer watches Television... he doesn't read newspapers, and he doesn't read magazines. 

He's completely cut them out of his life... because he really DOES feel that we're living in some kind of Orwellian nightmare now... and that everything that you hear now contributes to turning you into A Robot. 

And when I was at Findhorn, i met this extraordinary English tree expert, who had devoted his life to saving trees. Just got back from Washington, lobbying to save the redwoods.

He's 84 years old, and he always travels with a backpack... 'cause he never knows where he's gonna be tomorrow. 

And when I met him at Findhorn, he said to me, "Where are you from?" 

I said, "New York." 

He said, "Ah, New York. Yes, that's a very interesting place — Do you know a lot of New Yorkers who keep talking about the fact that they want to leave, but never do?" 

And I said, "Oh, yes." 

And he said, "Why do you think they don't leave?" 

I gave him different banal theories. 

He said,"Oh, I don't think it's that way at all." 

He said, "I think that New York is the new model for the new concentration camp, where The Camp has been built by The Inmates themselves and The Inmates are The Guards, and They have this Pride in This Thing They've Built. 

They've built their own prison.And so they exist in a state of schizophrenia where They are both guards and prisoners. 

And as a result, they no longer have, having been lobotomized the capacity to leave The Prison They've made or to even to See it as A Prison." 

And then he went into his pocket, and he took out A Seed for A Tree and he said, "This is A Pine Tree." 

He put it in my hand and he said,  "Escape, before it's too late." 

See, actually, for two or three years now, Chiquita and I have had this very unpleasant feeling that we really should get out. 

We really feel like Jews in Germany in the late '30s. Get out of here. 

Of course, the problem is where to go. 

'Cause it seems quite obvious that the whole world is going in the same direction. See, I think it's quite possible that the 1960s... represented the last burst of the human being before he was extinguished... and that this is the beginning of the rest of the future, now... and that from now on there'll simply be all these robots walking around... feeling nothing, thinking nothing. And there'll be nobody left almost to remind them... that there once was a species called a human being... with feelings and thoughts... and that history and memory are right now being erased... and soon nobody will really remember... that life existed on the planet. Now, of course, Bjornstrand feels that there's really almost no hope... and that we're probably going back to a very savage... lawless, terrifying period. 

Findhorn people see it a little differently. 

They're feeling that there'll be these pockets of light... springing up in different parts of the world... and that these will be, in a way, invisible planets on this planet... and that as we, or the world, grow colder... we can take invisible space journeys to these different planets... refuel for what it is we need to do on the planet itself... and come back. 

And it's their feeling that there have to be centers now... where people can come and reconstruct a new future for the world. And when I was talking to, Gustav Bjornstrand... he was saying that actually these centers are growing up everywhere now... and that what they're trying to do, which is what Findhorn was trying to do... and, in a way, what I was trying to do... I mean, these things can't be given names... but in a way, these are all attempts at creating a new kind of school... or a new kind of Monastery. 

And Bjornstrand talks about the concept of "reserves" islands of safety where history can be remembered... and the human being can continue to function... in order to maintain the species through a dark age. In other words, we're talking about an underground... which did exist in a different way during the Dark Ages... among the mystical orders of the church. And the purpose of this underground... is to find out how to preserve the light, life, the culture... how to keep things living, You see, I keep thinking that what we need... is a new language... a language of the heart... a language, as in the Polish forest, where language wasn't needed. Some kind of language between people that is a new kind of poetry... that's the poetry of the dancing bee that tells us where the honey is. And I think that in order to create that language... you're going to have to learn how you can go through a looking glass... into another kind of perception... where you have that sense of being united to all things... 

and suddenly you understand everything.”

Red TARDIS

Back in the Mid-90s,

at a time when 

Doctor Who on Television 

DID NOT Exist,

some fans somehow

managed to get published  

a Non-Fiction reference book 

entitled :

‘The Completely Useless Encyclopdia’

It was a Doctor Who application of The Devil’s Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce —

(or, The Book of Lies by Crowley)

And under the entry for

‘Multi-Coloured Scarf’, 

it read, 

(and I quoting here precisely and purely From Memory) :

“Often worn by anorak-wearing Completists  who get The Colours all Wrong.”

Now, I showed that entry 

to a classmate of mine 

when we were both 

sitting in School,

whilst wearing

My Multi-Coloured Scarf.

And he looked me right in The Eye,

I Swear To God,

and he said :

“Are Those The Right Colours?”

And I replied,

“My Gran knitted it for me.”