Wednesday 10 August 2022

Kit

 
 
 
"These thinges, with many other shall by good & honest witnes be aproved to be his opinions and Comon Speeches, and that this Marlowe doth not only hould them himself, but almost into every Company he Cometh he persuades men to Atheism willing them not to be afeard of bugbeares and hobgoblins, and vtterly scorning both god and his ministers as I Richard Baines will Justify & approue both by mine oth and the testimony of many honest men, and almost al men with whome he hath Conversed any time will testify the same, and as I think all men in Cristianity ought to indevor that the mouth of so dangerous a member may be stopped, he saith likewise that he hath quoted a number of Contrarieties oute of the Scripture which he hath giuen to some great men who in Convenient time shalbe named. When these thinges shalbe Called in question the witnes shalbe produced."
 

THE 'BAINES NOTE'

As originally submitted

(BL Harley MS.6848 ff.185-6)

 

A note Containing the opinion of one Christopher 
Marly Concerning his Damnable Judgment 
of Religion, and scorn of gods word.

 

 

That the Indians and many Authors of antiquity haue 
assuredly writen aboue 16 thousand yeares agone wher 
as Adam is proued to haue lived within 6 thowsand yeares.

 

 

He affirmeth that Moyses was but a Jugler, & that one 
Heriots being Sir W Raleighs man can do more then he.

 

 

That Moyses made the Jewes to travell xl yeares in the 
wildernes, (which Jorney might haue bin Done in lesse then 
one yeare) ere they Came to the promised land, to thintent 
that those who were privy to most of his subtilties might 
perish and so an everlasting superstition Remain in the harts 
of the people.

 

 

That the first beginning of Religioun was only to keep men 
in awe.

 

 

That it was an easy matter for Moyses being brought vp in 
all the artes of the Egiptians to abuse the Jewes being 
a rude & grosse people.

 

That Christ was a bastard and his mother dishonest. 

 

That he was the sonne of a Carpenter, and that if the 
Jewes among whome he was borne did Crucify him 
theie best knew him and whence he Came.

 

 

That Crist deserved better to Dy then Barrabas and 
that the Jewes made a good Choise, though Barrabas 
were both a thief and murtherer.

 

 

That if there be any god or any good Religion, then it 
is in the papistes because the service of god is performed 
with more Cerimonies, as Elevation of the mass, organs, 
singing men, Shaven Crownes & cetera. That all protestants 
are Hypocriticall asses.

 

 

That if he were put to write a new Religion, he would 
vndertake both a more Exellent and Admirable methode 
and that all the new testament is filthily written.

 

 

That the woman of Samaria & her sister were whores 
& that Christ knew them dishonestly.

 

 

That St John the Evangelist was bedfellow to Christ 
and leaned alwaies in his bosome, that he vsed him 
as the sinners of Sodoma.

 

That all they that loue not Tobacco & Boies were fooles.

 

That all the apostles were fishermen and base fellowes 
neyther of wit nor worth, that Paull only had wit 
but he was a timerous fellow in bidding men to be 
subiect to magistrates against his Conscience.

 

 

That he had as good Right to Coine as the Queene of 
England, and that he was acquainted with one poole 
a prisoner in newgate who hath greate Skill in mix=
ture of mettals and hauing learned some things of 
him he ment through help of a Cunninge stamp 
maker to Coin French Crownes pistolets and Eng=
lish shillinges.

 

 

That if Christ would haue instituted the sacrament 
with more Ceremoniall Reverence it would haue 
bin had in more admiration, that it would haue 
bin much better being administred in a Tobacco pipe.

 

 

That the Angell Gabriell was Baud to the holy 
ghost, because he brought the salutation to Mary.

 

 

That one Ric Cholmley hath Confessed that he was 
persuaded by Marloe's Reasons to become an Atheist.

 

 

These thinges, with many other shall by good & 
honest witnes be aproved to be his opinions and 
Comon Speeches, and that this Marlow doth not 
only hould them himself, but almost into every 
Company he Cometh he perswades men to Atheism 
willing them not to be afeard of bugbeares and 
hobgoblins, and vtterly scorning both god and his 
ministers as I Richard Baines will Justify & 
approue both by mine oth and the testimony 
of many honest men, and almost al men with 
whome he hath Conversed any time will 
testify the same, and as I think all men in 
Cristianity ought to indevor that the mouth of 
so dangerous a member may be stopped, he saith likewise 
that he hath quoted a number of Contrarieties oute of 
the Scripture which he hath giuen to some great men who 
in Convenient time shalbe named. When these thinges shalbe 
Called in question the witnes shalbe produced.

 

Richard Baines

 

THE CORONER'S INQUISITION (Translated)

The original was discovered by Leslie Hotson and this, his translation, given in his The Death of Christopher Marlowe (1925).

KENT / INQUISITION Indented taken at Detford Strand in the aforesaid County of Kent within the verge on the first day of June in the year of the reign of Elizabeth by the grace of God of England France and Ireland Queen defender of the faith &c thirtyfifth, in the presence of William Danby, Gentleman, Coroner of the household of our said lady the Queen, upon view of the body of Christopher Morley, there lying dead & slain, upon oath of Nicholas Draper, Gentleman, Wolstan Randall, gentleman, William Curry, Adrian Walker, John Barber, Robert Baldwyn, Giles ffeld, George Halfepenny, Henry Awger, James Batt, Henry Bendyn, Thomas Batt senior, John Baldwyn, Alexander Burrage, Edmund Goodcheepe, & Henry Dabyns who say [upon] their oath that Ingram ffrysar, late of London, Gentleman, and the aforesaid Christopher Morley, and Nicholas Skeres, late of London, Gentleman, and Robert Poley of London aforesaid, Gentleman, on the thirtieth of May in the aforesaid thirtyfifth year, at the aforesaid Detford Strand in the aforesaid County of Kent within the verge about the tenth hour before noon of the same day met together in a room in the house of a certain Eleanor Bull, widow; & there passed the time together & dined & after dinner were in quiet sort together & walked in the garden belonging to the said house until the sixth hour after noon of the same day & then returned from the said garden to the room aforesaid & there together and in company supped; & after supper the said Ingram & Christopher Morley were in speech & uttered one to the other divers malicious words for the reason that they could not be at one nor agree about the payment of the sum of pence, that is, le recknynge, there; & the said Christopher Morley then lying upon a bed in the room where they supped, & moved with anger against the said Ingram ffrysar upon the words aforesaid spoken between them, and the said Ingram then & there sitting in the room aforesaid with his back towards the bed where the said Christopher Morley was then lying, sitting near the bed, that is, nere the bed, & with the front part of his body towards the table & the aforesaid Nicholas Skeres & Robert Poley sitting on either side of the said Ingram in such a manner that the same Ingram ffrysar in no wise could take flight; it so befell that the said Christopher Morley on a sudden & of his malice towards the said Ingram aforethought, then & there maliciously drew the dagger of the said Ingram which was at his back, and with the same dagger the said Christopher Morley then & there maliciously gave the aforesaid Ingram two wounds on his head of the length of two inches & of the depth of a quarter of an inch; whereupon the said Ingram, in fear of being slain, & sitting in the manner aforesaid between the said Nicholas Skeres & Robert Poley so that he could not in any wise get away, in his own defence & for the saving of his life, then & there struggled with the said Christopher Morley to get back from him his dagger aforesaid; in which affray the same Ingram could not get away from the said Christopher Morley; and so it befell in that affray that the said Ingram, in defence of his life, with the dagger aforesaid to the value of 12d, gave the said Christopher then & there a mortal wound over his right eye of the depth of two inches & of the width of one inch; of which mortal wound the aforesaid Christopher Morley then & there instantly died; And so the Jurors aforesaid say upon their oath that the said Ingram killed & slew Christopher Morley aforesaid on the thirtieth day of May in the thirtyfifth year named above at Detford Strand aforesaid within the verge in the room aforesaid within the verge in the manner and form aforesaid in the defence and saving of his own life, against the peace of our said lady the Queen, her now crown & dignity; And further the said Jurors say upon their oath that the said Ingram after the slaying aforesaid perpetrated & done by him in the manner & form aforesaid neither fled nor withdrew himself; But what goods or chattels, lands or tenements the said Ingram had at the time of the slaying aforesaid, done & perpetrated by him in the manner & form aforesaid, the said Jurors are totally ignorant. In witness of which thing the said Coroner as well as the Jurors aforesaid to this Inquisition have interchangeably set their seals. Given the day & year above named &c.

'by WILLIAM DANBY Coroner'.


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The Coroner's Inquisition

Kanc. / Inquisicio indentata capta apud Detford 
Strand in praedicto Comitatu Kancia infra virgam 
primo die Junij anno regni Elizabethe dei gratia 
Anglie ffrancie & Hibernie Regine fidei defensoris &c 
tricesimo quinto coram Willelmo Danby Generoso 
Coronatore hospicij dicte domine Regine super visum 
corporis Cristoferi Morley ibidem iacentis mortui & 
interfecti per sacrum Nicholai Draper Generosi Wol-
stani Randall generosi Willelmi Curry Adriani Walker 
Johannis Barber Roberti Baldwyn Egidij ffeld Georgij 
Halfepenny Henrici Awger Jacobi Batt Henrici Ben-
dyn Thome Batt senioris Johannis Baldwyn Alexandri 
Burrage Edmundi Goodcheepe & Henrici Dabyns 
Qui dicunt sacrum suum quod cum quidam Ingramus 
ffrysar nuper de Londinia Generosus ac praedictus 
Cristoferus Morley Ac quidam Nicholaus Skeres nuper 
de Londinia Generosus ac Robertus Poley de Londinia 
praedicta Generosus tricesimo de Maij anno tricesimo 
quinto supradicto apud Detford Strand praedictam in 
praedicto Comitatu Kancia infra virgam circa horam 
decimam ante meridiem eiusdem diei insimul conuener-
unt in Camera infra domum cuiusdam Elionore Bull 
vidue & ibidem pariter moram gesserunt & prandebant 
& post prandium ibidem quieto ['quiete' in MS] modo insimul fuerunt 
& ambulauerunt in gardinum pertinentem domui prae-
dicto vsque horam sextam post meridiem eiusdem diei & 
tunc recesserunt a gardino praedicto in Cameram prae-
dictam & ibidem insimul & pariter cenabant & post 
cenam praedicti Ingramus & Cristoferus Morley locuti 
fuerunt & publicauerunt vnus eorum alteri diuersa 
maliciosa verba pro eo quod concordare & agreare non
potuerunt circa solucionem denariorum summe voc-
atum le recknynge ibidem & praedictus Cristoferus 
Morley adtunc iacens super lectum in Camera vbi cen-
auerunt & ira motus versus praefatum Ingramum ffrysar 
super verbis vt praefertur inter eos praelocutis Et prae-
dictus Ingramus adtunc & ibidem sedens in Camera 
praedicta cum tergo suo versus lectum vbi praedictus 
Cristoferus Morley tunc iacebat prope lectum vocatum 
nere the bed sedens & cum anteriori parte corporis 
sui versus mensam & praedicti Nicholaus Skere & 
Robertus Poley ex vtraque parte ipsius Ingrami sedentes 
tali modo vt idem Ingramus ffrysar nullo modo fugam 
facere potuit Ita accidit quod praedictus Cristoferus 
Morley ex subito & ex malicia sua erga praefatum 
Ingramum praecogitata pugionem praedicti Ingrami 
super tergum suum existentem maliciose adtunc & 
ibidem euaginabat & cum eodem pugione praedictus 
Cristoferus Morley adtunc & ibidem maliciose dedit 
praefato Ingramo duo vulnera super caput suum longi-
tudinis duorum policium & profunditatis quartij vnius 
policis Super quo praedictus Ingramus metuens occidi 
& sedens in forma praedicta inter praefatos Nicholau
Skeres & Robertum Poley Ita quod vlterius aliquo 
modo recedere non potuit in sua defensione & salua-
cione vite sue adtunc & ibidem contendebat cum prae-
fato Cristofero Morley recipere ab eo pugionem suum 
praedictum in qua quidem affraia idem Ingramus a 
praefato Cristofero Morley vlterius recedere non potuit 
Et sic in affraia illa Ita accidit quod praedictus In-
gramus in defensione vite sue cum pugione praedicta
precij xijd; dedit praefato Cristofero adtunc & ibide
vnam plagam mortalem super dexterum oculum suum 
profunditatis duorum policium & latitudinis vnius 
policis de qua quidem plaga mortali praedictus Cris-
toferus Morley adtunc & ibidem instanter obijt Et 
sic Iuratores praedicti dicunt super sacrum suum quo
praedictus Ingramus praefatum Cristoferum Morley 
praedicto tricesimo die Maij anno tricesimo quinto 
supradicto apud Detford Strand praedictam in prae-
dicto Comitatu Kancia infra virgam in Camera prae-
dicta infra virgam modo & forma praedictis in defen-
sione ac saluacione vite sue interfecit & occidit contr
pacem dicte domine Regine nunc coronam & dignita-
tem suas Et vlterius Juratores praedicti dicunt super 
sacrum suum quod praedictus Ingramus post occisi-
onem praedictam per se modo & forma praedictis per-
petratam & factam non fugit neque se retraxit Sed que 
bona aut catalla terras aut tenementa praedictus In-
gramus tempore occisionis praedicte per se modo & 
forma praedictis facte & perpetrate habuit Iuratore
praedicti penitus ignorant In cuius rei testimonium 
tam praedictus Coronator quam Iuratores praedicti
huic Inquisicioni sigilla sua alteratim aff[ixe]runt
Datum die & anno supradictis &c
per Willelmum Danby
Coronatorem

Cat

 
 
  


 

 


Lister clutched the bazookoid - the heavy portable rockblasting mining laser - to his chest, and checked again that the pack on his back was registering 'Full Charge'.

 

Light flitted through the wire mesh of the rickety lift as it clumsily juddered its way down into the bowels of the ship.

 

Three miles of lift shaft. Over five hundred floors, most of them stretching the six-mile length of the ship.

 

These were the cargo decks, where all the supplies were stored.

 

The tiny, exposed cage shuddered and rocked slowly past floor after floor.

 

Down.

 

Perhaps twenty floors of food, vacuum-sealed, tin mountains, stretching out beyond vision.

 

Down.

 

Four floors of wood - a million chopped trees stacked in silent pyramids.

 

Down.

 

Floors of mining equipment.

 

Down.

 

Floors of raw silicates, mined from Ganymede.

 

Down.

 

Floors of water, stored and still in enormous glass tanks.

 

And down.

 

And the only sound was the metallic squealing of the lift cable as it plunged them deeper and deeper into the gloomy abyss.

 

'I don't know why I'm scared. I'm a hologram. Whatever it is, it can't do anything to me.'

 

'Thanks. That makes me feel really secure.'

 

The gloom enveloped them. The light on Lister's mining helmet cut only twenty feet into the darkness. Lister flipped down the helmet's night-visor and switched the beam to infra red.

 

Down.

 

Then, something strange. These floors were empty. Hundreds of cubic miles of supplies were missing! Food, metal, wood, water - missing.

 

'It's gone!'

 

'What has?' Rimmer squinted blindly into the darkness.

 

'Everything.'

 

'What d'you mean, everything?'

 

'All the supplies The last ten floors - they were all empty.'

 

'I'm so glad I'm already dead. I'm so, so glad.'

 

'You want to shut the smeg up?'

 

Down.

 

D

 

O

 

W

 

N

 

In the bottom right hand corner of Lister's visor a small green cross began to flicker.

 

'Oh, smeg. There is something here.'

 

'Where?'

 

The cross crept up the visor. Lister wanted to say: 'The next floor,' but he couldn't. He couldn't speak.

 

The lift coughed to a stop. The whine of the motor faded to nothing.

 

There it was.

 

Stretching before them, six miles in length, half-lit and desolate.

 

A huge, impossible city.

 

A city!

 

The lift doors folded open - cher-chunk! - and they stepped out onto the rough cobbled street.

 

Crudely fashioned igloo-shaped dwellings lined the roadway; hummocks of carved wood, without doorways. Each had only a slit, perhaps a yard wide and less than a foot high, cut six feet from the ground.

 

Lister checked the charge on the bazookoid back pack, and they both started cautiously down the street. Before them was a crossroads. The igloo hummocks stretched out in every direction. The flashing cross in Lister's visor throbbed more insistently and indicated they should turn right.

 

'What is this place?'

 

Lister slung the bazookoid over his shoulder and scrambled up one of the hummocks. He poked his head through a slit and peered into the dim interior.

 

'Some kind of house. But it's tiny just enough room for two people to crouch in and peer out of the gash at the top. Whatever lived here really liked confined spaces.' Built into a tiny recess in the wall was a small bookcase containing six books. Lister reached in and managed to grab three of them. He dropped down from the hummock.

 

Rimmer peered over his shoulder as he opened each book in turn. Every single page in every book was blank. Lister slipped the books into his haversack, grabbed the bazookoid, re-checked the charge, and they moved off again.

 

After five minutes or so, they reached a square. Rows of benches faced a television screen attached to a video recorder. Lister ejected the disc. It bore the ship's regulation supply logo.

 

'What is it?' asked Rimmer.

 

'...The Flintstones.'

 

They turned left. More hummocks. Another square, but this time set out like a street cafe: tables with parasols; wooden chairs. And in the centre : a table, fully laid, with two gold candelabra, both lit. A meal, half-eaten, sat steaming on a plate.

 

The blip on Lister's visor was pulsing faster than ever.

 

'It's here!' Lister's finger tightened on the beam button of the bazookoid.

 

'Whatever it is, it's right here!'

 

A flash.

 

A pink blur flashed from the top of a hummock, pinning Lister to the floor, and sending the weapon skittering across the cobbles.

 

Rimmer watched, half-paralysed, as the pink neon-suited man with immaculate coiffeur sniffed Lister, looked up with a puzzled expression, sniffed him more deeply, then finally got to his feet, took out a clothes brush and smoothed out his suit.

 

'Sorry, Man,' he said, 'I thought you were food'

 

SIX

 


From the moment he discovered that the cadmium II had achieved critical mass, Holly had less than fifteen nanoseconds to act. He sealed off as much of the ship as possible - the whole cargo area, and the ship's supply bay.

 

Simultaneously, he set the drive computer to accelerate far beyond the dull green-blue disc of Neptune in the distance, and out into the abyss of unknown space. Then he read the Bible, the Koran, and other major religious works : he covered Islam, Zoroastrianism, Mazdaism, Zarathustrianism, Dharma, Brahmanism, Hinduism, Vedanta, Jainism, Buddhism, Hinayana, Mahayana, Sikhism, Shintoism, Taoism and Confucianism. Then he read all of Marx, Engels, Freud, jung and Einstein. And, to kill the remaining few nanoseconds, he skipped briefly through Joe Klumpp's Zero Gee Football - It's a Funny Old game.

 

At the end of this, Holly came to two conclusions. First, given the whole sphere of human knowledge, it was still impossible to determine the existence or not Of God. And second, Joe Klumpp should have stuck to having his hair permed.

 

***

 

In the hold, Frankenstein's four offspring began to breed. Each litter produced an average of four kittens, three times a year. At the end of the first year, the second generation of kittens started to breed too. They also produced three annual litters of three to four kittens.

 

When Frankenstein died, at the great old age of fourteen, she left behind one hundred and ninety-eight thousand, seven hundred and thirty-two cats.

 

198,732 cats, who continued to breed.

 

***

 

Still Red Dwarf accelerated.

 

Holly witnessed at first hand phenomena which had never been witnessed before.

 

He saw phenomena which had only been guessed at by theoretical physicists.

 

He saw a star form.

 

He saw another star die.

 

He saw a black hole.

 

He saw pulsars and quasars.

 

He saw twin and triplet sun systems.

 

He saw sights Copernicus would have torn out his eyes for, but all the while he couldn't stop thinking how bad that book was by Joe Klumpp.

 

***

 

The cats continued to breed.

 

***

 

Red Dwarf continued to accelerate.

 

***

 

The forty-square mile cargo hold was seething with cats.

 

A sea of cats.

 

A sea of cats, sealed from the radiation-poisoned decks above with nowhere to go.

 

Only the smartest, the biggest and the strongest survived — The Mutants.

 

The Mutants, who had rudimentary fingers instead of claws, who stood on their hind legs, and clubbed rivals to death with crudely made clubs. Who found the best breeding mates.

 

And bred.

 

Felis erectus was born

 

***

 

Red Dwarf, still accelerating, passed five stars in concentric orbits, Performing a breathtaking, mind-boggling stellar ballet.

 

Not that Holly noticed.

 

He'd been on his own now for two million years and was no longer interested in mind-boggling stellar ballets. What he was really into was Netta Muskett novels.

 

The young doctor had just told Jemma she had only three years to live, as he held her in his powerful masculine grip, his dark brooding eyes piercing her very soul. Outside, the suns danced into a perfect pentagon and span, end over end, like a gigantic Catherine wheel.

 

But Holly didn't see it. He was too busy reading Doctor, Darling.

 

***

 

Then there was a plague.

 

And the plague was hunger.

 

Less than thirty Cat tribes now survived, roaming the cargo decks on their hind legs in a desperate search for food.

 

But the food had gone.

 

The supplies were finished.

 

Weak and ailing, they prayed at the supply hold's silver mountains: huge towering acres of metal rocks which, in their pagan way, the mutant Cats believed watched over them.

 

Amid the wailing and the screeching one Cat stood up and held aloft the sacred icon. The icon which had been passed down as holy, and one day would make its use known.

 

It was a piece of V-shaped metal with a revolving handle on its head.

 

He took down a silver rock from the silver mountain, while the other Cats cowered and screamed at the blasphemy.

 

He placed the icon on the rim of the rock, and turned the handle.

 

And the handle turned.

 

And the rock opened.

 

And inside the rock was Alphabetti spaghetti in tomato sauce.

 

And in the other rocks were even more delights. Sugar-free baked beans. Chicken and mushroom Toastie Toppers. Faggots in rich meaty gravy. All sealed in perfect vacuums, preserved from the ravages of Time.

 

God had spoken.

 

And Felis sapiens was born.

 

***

 

Holly was gurning. He was pulling his pixelized face into the most bizarre and ludicrous expressions he could muster. He'd been gurning now for nearly two thousand years. It wasn't much of a hobby, but it helped pass the time.

 

He was beginning to worry that he was going computer-senile. Driven crazy by loneliness. What he needed, he decided, was a companion.

 

He would build a woman.

 

A perfectly functioning human woman, capable of independent thought and decision-making. Identical to a real woman in the minutest detail.

 

The problem was he didn't know how.

 

He didn't even know what to make the nose out of.

 

So he gave the whole scheme up as a bad idea, and started gurning again.

 

***

 

And there was a war between the Cats.

 

A bloody war that laid waste many of their number.

 

But the reason was good.

 

The cause was sensible.

 

The principle was worth fighting over.

 

It was a holy war.

 

Some of the Cats believed the one true father of Catkind was a man called Cloister, who saved Frankenstein, the Holy Mother, and was frozen in time by the evil men who sought to kill her. One day Cloister would return to lead them to Bearth, the planet where they could make their home.

 

The other Cats believed exactly the same thing, except they maintained the name of the true Father of Catkind was a man called Clister.

 

They spent the best part of two thousand years fighting over this huge, insuperable theological chasm.

 

Millions died.

 

Finally, a truce was called.

 

Commandeering the fleet of shuttles from the docking bay, half the Cats flew off in one direction, in search of Cloister and the Promised Planet, and the other half flew off in the opposite direction, in search of Clister and the Promised Planet.

 

Behind them they left the ones who were too weak to travel: the old, the lame, the sick and the dying.

 

And one by one, they died.

 

Soon only two remained: one a cripple, one an idiot.

 

They snuggled together for warmth and companionship And one day, to the cripple and the idiot, a son was born.

 

SEVEN

 


So the last human being alive, a man who had died, and a creature who'd evolved from cats, stood around the metal table that was bolted to the floor of the sleeping quarters and listened to a computer with an IQ of six thousand, who couldn't remember who'd knocked Swansea City out of the 1967 FA cup, explain what the hell was happening.

 

'So he's a Cat,' said Lister for the fourteenth time.

 

The Cat took a small portable steam iron out of his pocket and started pressing the sleeve of his jacket.

 

Outwardly, at least, he was human in appearance - there was a slight flattening of his face: his ears were a little higher on his head; and two of his gleaming upper teeth hung down longer and sharper than the others, so they peeked, whitely, over his lips whenever he grinned. Which he did a lot.

 

He didn't seem to have a trace of super-ego. He was all ego and id - monumentally self-centred and, if he'd been human, you would have described him as vain. But you couldn't apply human values to Cats - there seemed to be very little connection between the two cultures. The invention which proved the turning point in Cat history wasn't Fire or the Wheel: it was the Steam-operated Trouser Press.

 

Getting information out of the Cat wasn't easy : if you asked him too many questions, he just got bored, and went off to take one of the five or six showers he appeared to need daily.

 

He didn't have a name. He found it difficult to understand the idea. He was of the unshakeable conviction that he was the absolute centre of the entire universe, the reason for its being; and the notion that someone might not know who he was was beyond his comprehension.

 

'What about in relationships?' Lister had persisted.

 

'Re-la-tionships?' The Cat rolled the word around on his tongue. The Cats had learned English from the vast number of video discs and training films that were stored in the cargo decks, waiting for delivery to Triton. But most human concepts eluded them.

 

'Yeah, you know, between a man cat and a woman cat What do you call each other?'

 

'Hey, you.'

 

'What? In the entire relationship' you never refer to each other by name?'

 

'You know how long a Cat relationship lasts? Three minutes. First minute's fine; second minute, you feel trapped! Third minute, you've got to leave.

 

The very thought of a relationship which lasted longer than three minutes brought the Cat out in a cold sweat, and he had to go and take another hot shower.

 

And so the evening progressed.

 

When the Cat wasn't showering or snoozing' he was preening. He appeared to have secreted about his immaculate person an arsenal of combs and brushes, none of which seemed to spoil the line of his immaculate pink suit.

 

For the most part, details of the Cat's background remained obscure. He found the concept of 'parents' bewildering. He couldn't believe there was ever a time he wasn't born. When he put his mind to it, he did recall two other Cats who used to be around, but most of the time they'd avoided each other. One of them, he reckoned, had probably been his mother - because she wouldn't sleep with him.

 

In fact, she'd got quite angry at his approaches and hit him on the head with a large frying pan.

 

The other must have been his father; a deeply religious Cat who was constantly reciting The Seven Cat Commandments: 

 

'Thou shalt not be cool; 

Thou shalt not be in vain; 

Thou shalt not have more than ten suits; 

Thou shalt not partake of carnal knowledge with more than four members of the opposite sex at any one session; 

Thou shalt not slink; 

Thou shalt not hog the bathroom; and 

Thou shalt not steal another's hair-gel.'

 

In the Dark Ages of religious intolerance, these laws were laid down by Cat priests to keep their race in check. It was only through denying certain lusts, certain natural urges to be cool and stylish, they said' that a Cat could find redemption. Strict punishments were meted to transgressors: Cats caught slinking in public would have their shower units removed; Cats condemned as vain would have their hair-driers confiscated, and be forced to wear fashions some two or three seasons old.

 

'Paisley? With thin lapels and turn-ups?? But that was last spring! Please, no!

 

Have mercy!'

 

Why Aren't Free Speech Arguments Persuasive?

Why Aren't Free Speech Arguments Persuasive?

Why aren't the old arguments 
for Free Speech working any more?

The Life of The Mind

Barton Fink (1991) I'll show you the life of the mind!
 
The Devil :
Barton. Brother, is it hot. 
How you been, buddy? 
 
Well, don't look at me like that. 
It's just me... Charlie
 
Barton Fink :
I hear it's ‘Mundt’. 
Madman Mundt’
 
The Devil :
Jesus, people can be cruel
If it's not My Build, 
it's my personality. 
 
They say I'm a madman, Bart, 
but I'm not mad at anyone. 
Honest, I'm not
 
Most guys I just feel sorry for. 
It tears me up inside 
to think about what 
they're going through, 
how trapped they are. 
 
I understand it. 
I feel for them. 
So I try and help them out. 
 
Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. 
I know what it feels like 
when things get all balled up 
at The Head Office. 
 
They put you through hell, Barton. 
So I help people out
 
I just wish someone would 
do as much for me
 
Jesus, it's hot. Sometimes it gets 
so hot I want to crawl 
right out of my skin. 
 
Barton Fink :
But, Charlie, 
Why me
 
The Devil :
Why... Because you don't listen
Jesus. I'm dripping again. Come on, 
Barton, you think you know pain? 
You think I made 
your life Hell? 
 
Look around this dump. 
You're just a tourist 
with a typewriter. 
I live here.
 
Don't you understand that? 
And you come into my home...
and you complain that 
I'm making too much noise
 
Barton Fink :
I'm sorry. 
 
The Devil :
Don't be. I'll be next door 
if you need me. 
 
Oh... I dropped in on 
your folks in New York. 
And Uncle Maury. 
Good People. 
 
By the way, that package
I gave you... I lied. 
It isn't mine. 

If You Want to Stay Alive, then Ante-Up



“Y'all know me

Know how I earn a livin'. 
I'll catch this bird for you, 
but it AIN’T gonna be easy
BAD fish. 

Not like going down the pond 
chasin' bluegills and tommycods

THIS SHARK — 
swallow you whole….

Little shakin', little tenderizin', 
an' down you go

And we gotta do it QUICK, 
that'll bring back your tourists, 
put all your businesses 
back on a payin' basis. 

But it's NOT gonna 
be pleasant

I value my neck a LOT more than 
three thousand BUCKS, Chief!

I'll find  him for three, 
but I'll catch him
and kill him, for TEN

But you've gotta 
make up your minds —
If you want to Stay Alive,
then ante up;
If you want to play it cheap
be on welfare the whole winter. 

I don't want no volunteers
I don't want no mates
There's just too many CAPTAINS 
on this island. 

$10,000 for me
by myself. 

For that you get 
the HEAD, 
the TAIL — 
the whole damn THING.”