Saturday 14 January 2023

A STUDY IN OPPOSITES by Abbie Farwell Brown

 



Cover

WHAT LUCK!



WHAT LUCK!

A STUDY IN OPPOSITES

BY

ABBIE FARWELL BROWN



MASSACHUSETTS CHARITABLE EYE AND
EAR INFIRMARY
BOSTON


Issued for private distribution only by
the Massachusetts Charitable Eye
and Ear Infirmary and presented to
their friends with their compliments

1827-1920


WHAT LUCK!


Side by side on the crowded waiting bench of the Infirmary sat two women, each with a child at her elbow, who had been eyeing one another furtively. They were silently criticizing in different languages.

“Her mourning must have cost much money!” thought Mrs. Rogazrovitch, enviously, looking down at her own painful saffron coat.

“Cielo! What a terrible hat!” mused the other woman, considering the purple velvet creation that crowned the frowzy locks of her neighbor. “She can have no care to hold the love of her husband!” And she wiped a tear with her black-bordered handkerchief.

The eyes of little Stephanie, who stood at the knee of Mrs. Rogazrovitch, were red and swollen; but not with weeping. Even the subdued light of the waiting-room made her squint horribly, and she kept her eyes turned from the window. This brought in direct line her neighbor, the pale, emaciated little boy at the other woman’s side. Stephanie was five; the boy seemed older. He hung his head and never looked up. Stephanie was ready to make friends, for she had grown tired of the long wait, but Paolo’s mother was in the way. She was continually bending over the boy, smoothing his hair or kissing his forehead, in what seemed to Stephanie a very silly fashion. Stephanie’s mother never kissed her at all.

Gradually Stephanie edged nearer. “Hello!” she said in a stage whisper suited to the solemn occasion. “Is your eyes sick, too?”

The boy stared, gave a blinking glance from big, brown eyes, and nodded.

“They look red, like mine,—only worse,” commented Stephanie, after this revealing look. “But they will fix them all right, if we’re lucky. The lady said so.” Again the boy glanced at her pitifully, but said nothing.

“Do you go to Kindergarten?” asked Stephanie. The boy shook his head. “I don’t go nowhere,” he said.

“I guess you are too big for Kindergarten. Oh, it’s the grandest place!” went on Stephanie ecstatically. “But I had to stop when my eyes got sick.—What makes your mother wear those black clothes? I hate black clothes.”

“My father died,” said Paolo solemnly.

“My father ran off,” volunteered Stephanie. “I think he went to be a soldier. Mrs. Raftery says it was because—”

“Stephanie! You shut up!” Mrs. Rogazrovitch jerked her by the arm. The attendant was saying something.

“Eighty-six!” he repeated. It was the number on the red ticket that Mrs. Rogazrovitch clutched in not over-clean fingers.

“Come on, you Stephanie!” snapped the mother. And the slatternly woman with the curly-haired child stepped forward to the table.

Yes; there was no doubt about it. Stephanie was a case of that tubercular eye trouble which affects so many children of the poor; a trouble caused by constitutional weakness, lack of care and of wholesome food. Unless properly treated Stephanie would become partially or wholly blind some day. And the pretty blue eyes would never play their part in a world where all the eyes are needed. But Stephanie was in one respect luckier than Paolo, who still waited, encircled by his affectionate mother’s arm. Strange negative “luck” that consisted in not being too-much loved by any one!

“You’d better leave her here,” said the Doctor, after he had examined the poor little eyes.

The woman blinked. “How long must she to stay?” she asked cautiously.

“Well, maybe three weeks; it’s an average case, I should say. We’ll take the best care of her,” he added kindly. But Mrs. Rogazrovitch was not worrying as he surmised.

“I don’ care. But will she grow well forever?” she asked. “She not be blind, eh?”

“She can be cured if you keep up the treatment as we tell you, after she goes home. You must bring her back for examination; give her milk and wholesome food, well cooked,—no doughnuts and candy; and,”—the doctor referred to Stephanie’s card,—“clean up your house and keep it in better condition. We shall keep an eye on Stephanie. And if you can’t do all this, we must find a better home for her.”

The woman looked sulky. “How much it costs to keep in the Hospital?” she asked. She was told that the usual charge was seventeen dollars and a half for a week, but that if she could not afford so much, the Superintendent would probably arrange to let her pay what she could.

“I can’t to pay anything for sick child!” exclaimed the woman. “I can just to pay rent and get some food. Two years ago my man goes off. I don’ know. Maybe he’s fighting; but I don’ get nothing.”

“That’s all right,” said the Doctor. “You go see the Superintendent. We’ll look after Stephanie anyway.—By the way, will you sign this paper giving us permission to fix her adenoids and tonsils while she is here? I daresay you don’t care?”

“No; I don’ care,” said the woman casually, with the air of one conferring a favor.

Of course she did not realize how great a privilege Stephanie was getting. Few citizens know that the Massachusetts Eye and Ear Infirmary is the only Hospital in the city where a child with a trouble like Stephanie’s would be so taken in and cared for. All such cases are referred to the Infirmary. How should Mrs. Rogazrovitch guess that the kind hands which were to care for the child and the kind faces surrounding her belonged to the best specialists and the best nurses anywhere to be found? She only knew that for the time being a burden was lifted. And this was Stephanie’s advantage over Paolo, whose mother loved him too fatuously to give him his only chance.

“Eighty-seven!” called the attendant, after Stephanie and her mother had passed on. It was Paolo’s turn.

“She says,—she could not spare me; she loves me too much. And besides, my father would not let her,” the boy answered a question in a hollow voice. “He was very sick, and last week he died. He would not let me be in a Hospital.” Helplessly he raised to the doctor eyes which should have been very beautiful; the eyes of a poet or painter.

“But why then did not your mother bring you back for treatment, as I told her?” asked the doctor again. The woman began to weep. “She says she could not leave my father,” interpreted the boy. “She loved him very much. Once she did try to come here with me, after the Visitor called. But she could not find the way. She says her head is sick. And she lost her ring. That made her very sad indeed.”

“Did she give you the medicine regularly?”

The boy hesitated. “Sometimes,” he said; “when the Visitor came. I think my mother forgot; she was so sad about my father. She sat in a chair and rocked all day. She is very kind and loving. She held me on her lap and cried, and cried.”

The Doctor frowned. “Is there any one here who can speak Italian?” he called out to the waiting crowd. A man stepped forward, while the Doctor sent Paolo aside. “Tell her, please, that unless she brings Paolo here regularly, and gives him the medicine every day, I will not answer for the consequences.—Do you see that boy over there?” The Doctor indicated a tiny fellow with fine Greek features, whose mother was crying over him in the corner. “Well; that woman would not leave him in our care, because she was too obstinate. And although she lives close by, she would not take the time and trouble to bring him in for treatment. So now he will lose the sight of one eye at least. Tell Mrs. Valentino that Paolo’s eyes are very bad, and he will fare worse than that boy, unless she does as I say.”

The woman burst into hysterical grief, and clasped Paolo passionately, mumbling endearing syllables in her musical tongue. The boy’s brown eyes filled too, and he tried to comfort her. Pitying herself for her many troubles, the mother led Paolo away.

“She will not come back,” thought the Doctor. “I see it in her face. The Social Service Department will have to get busy.”

The Social Service Department of the Infirmary did get busy, as in all such cases. When Paolo did not reappear, they went to look him up. The Visitor coaxed and re-urged the dazed, inefficient mother. But it was hopeless. Finally the case was reported to the proper authorities. But already Paolo’s mother had loved him to death. Stephanie was not to see her little neighbor again.

Meanwhile, for Stephanie herself there had begun what was—apart from a little discomfort at the beginning—the happiest three weeks she had ever known. To begin with, her poor ragged clothes were taken away, and she had a lovely warm bath in a tub; in itself a novel experience. With her yellow curls nicely brushed, sweet and clean from top to toe, she was then tucked away in a little white cot all by herself,—this also was an unheard-of luxury!—in a sunny, airy room where other clean children were playing about like a happy family. At first poor little Stephanie was too miserable to do more than snuggle into the soft, sweet pillow, and allow herself sulkily to be fed with easily swallowed things. A kind Voice, associated with strong and gentle hands, attended to her wants. But Stephanie slept most of the time; dreaming of happy faces, merry laughter, and feet running about a Kindergarten.

After two days of existing as a mere little mollusc, one morning Stephanie sat up and began to take notice. A beautiful white-clad Being put her into a neat cotton frock and pinafore. Only Stephanie’s scarred shoes were left to remind her of the home that seemed mercifully far away. They tied a shade over her eyes, to help the squint, and for the first time she looked around with interest at the nursery.

What a pleasant place it was! Stephanie had never seen anything nearly so beautiful; except the Kindergarten. Poor little Stephanie! It had been hard luck to give up the Kindergarten, just when she was growing so happy there. The school nurse had seen that she must stop. But—there was a rose on the table here, too! A red rose! And children playing games, just like a real kindergarten! But these children were not all of Stephanie’s age. Some were bigger; some much littler. Why, in the very next cot to her lay a wee baby, sucking a bottle. Nurse said its mother was sick in another room. Stephanie thought this baby would be nicer than a doll to play with. And oh, oh! Over there was a little black live doll, with eyes that rolled and blinked, and real hair standing up all over her head; and a big red bow! Stephanie grinned at the doll; and oh, oh! The doll grinned back! Stephanie waved her arms up and down. And the funny doll stretched her mouth in white-toothed glee, and did just what Stephanie did. This was better even than Kindergarten!

What else was there in the lovely room? Stephanie looked around. There were nine little beds against the walls, and as many more in the next ward, as she soon learned when she began to investigate. Most of the beds were empty in the daytime. Across the room from Stephanie a big boy sat up among pillows, reading. He laughed when Nurse told him a funny story, but could only whisper in reply, holding on to his throat. Stephanie understood perfectly, and was very sorry for poor Tom. She was sorrier still when dinner-time came; when she and the other dressed children gathered about little low tables, with bibs on. Soup was all that poor Tom could swallow. But Stephanie could eat fish, and potato; and there was a nice pudding, too! Poor Tom! Stephanie ate ravenously, after her two days’ fast. No puddings ever happened in the home she had left.

The twenty little children were too busy eating to talk. “More bread and butter? More milk? Yes, indeed. All you want.” Just think; Stephanie could have all the milk she wanted! That had never happened before in her life. She thought she must be in Heaven. The children were of all shades and manners,—perhaps that was like Heaven, too; who knows? Most of them wore curious foreign names, but they all spoke English, after a fashion. Some of them were just learning the ways of good Americans at the table and elsewhere. Frank, who sat next Stephanie, was a little pig. He made faces, spilled his milk and scattered his crumbs, so that She,—the Angel in white,—scolded him, and made him sit by himself at another table, till he should be more careful.

But Stephanie liked John, with the big grey eyes, who was a little gentleman; though he wore such a funny thing like a bonnet on his head,—and he a big boy of eight! Stephanie loved at first sight Dottie Dimple with the pink cheeks and one lovely blue eye. She cried when John explained that one day Dottie had poked a pair of scissors into the other eye, so that it would never see any more.

Then there was Sammy, with the funny face and big nose, who looked like a little old man in a baby’s dress. Sammy could not hear when you spoke to him.—But mostly the children forgot all about eyes and ears between dressing-times, they had so much to make them happy.

After dinner the children put back their chairs nicely, and then the victrola played lovely music. It was pleasant to see all the little children stand at salute when they heard the Star-Spangled Banner. Even the deaf ones did as they saw the others do.

On sunny days they played out on the balcony of the ward below. It was a pity that they had no balcony of their own, leading from the nursery. Greatly it is needed. But it will come, no doubt, with a great many other needed things, when more people know about the Infirmary on Charles Street, and the good luck it brings to little children and big; when more parents, reading the story of Paolo, Stephanie, and these others, will understand that what helps such children protects the health of the whole community, including their own little ones.

The ounce of prevention has gone up in the scale of modern values. It is worth not pounds but tons of possible cure. Every child kept out of an asylum is a civic asset. Every penny spent in the prevention of blindness or deafness is an investment placed on interest a thousandfold.

Those were wonderful days for babies like Stephanie who had seen too little luck in their lives. Breakfast at half past six; a luncheon of fruit and milk at nine; dinner at eleven, and supper at four. All the bread and butter a child could eat; all the milk she wished to drink. And most of the children drank a quart of milk every day. No wonder Stephanie began to be less pale and thin before the nurse’s eyes. No wonder her eyes began to be better almost directly. Soon she was running and racing about the nursery among the liveliest of them all.

One day a visitor came to talk for a minute with the nurse. She had been to the clinic, and after that they had given her this extra privilege. To Stephanie this Person seemed a beautiful grown-up lady. But Mamie was really only a nice girl of sixteen, with happy, sunburned face and shining brown eyes. Stephanie squirmed with delight when Mamie took her up on her lap while she talked with Nurse.

“She has eyes like mine were,” said Mamie in an aside to the nurse. But Stephanie heard, and hoped. Would her grey-blue eyes ever get big and brown like this nice Person’s, she wondered?

“Oh, sure! I’m all right now,” said the visitor, in answer to a question. “They pronounced me O. K. Just look how fat and brown I am. Say, it don’t seem possible. Why, I was sicker than Stephanie here when I came, wasn’t I?” The nurse assented. “I’ll never forget how I felt, working in the store: my eyes all swollen and weepy. I was down and out, all right. For, of course, I haven’t a relation on God’s earth. And with my salary,—how could I go to a specialist? Then a lady gave me a hunch about this Infirmary. So here I came; and everybody was mighty good to me. You know, don’t you, Dearie?” She caught Stephanie up close.

“Yes!” affirmed Stephanie, snuggling.

“I came here all in,” Mamie went on. “But what a difference when I left! Just to think of going to the country for a rest, instead of right back to the store. And nothing to pay for it all, either. Some dream!”

“Did you have a good time in the country?” asked the nurse sympathetically.

“I’ll say so!” cried Mamie. “I just lived out doors four solid weeks, sitting on the piazza or walking in the garden, like a lady. They made me lie down to rest after dinner. Rest! Well; the chief thing I had to do to tire me was eat! And such eats! Um! Eggs and milk between meals, too. Say, the girls at the store will sure think I’m kidding when I tell them about it.”

“You’ll be sure to come back here, as the Doctor said?” charged the nurse. “You know, you will have to be careful still.”

“You bet I’ll be careful!” said Mamie earnestly. “I am not going to take any chances. The Doctor made it plain enough what I’ve got to do. I’ll keep my eyes, thanks, now I’ve got ’em back.”

The trouble that Stephanie and Paolo and Mamie had cannot certainly be cured, once for all. It is likely to recur, if care is relaxed; and each time it makes a worse scar on the eye, with increased handicaps. The hardest part of the follow-up work of the Infirmary is to make the parents understand this, and to watch patiently.

Three weeks in a country home, at a cost of five dollars a week, following three weeks’ treatment at the Eye and Ear Infirmary, had stood between Mamie and blindness. The Infirmary has an emergency fund, all too inadequate, for such cases.

“What is the Country?” asked Stephanie, when Mamie had gone. “Is it My Country-Tiz?” She had an idea that it might have something to do with a relative of the Star Spangled Banner. “Shall I have to salute it?”

“Bless you!” cried the nurse. “I guess you will want to salute it, when you see it for the first time!”

On the last Sunday of her stay Stephanie had a surprise. The Doctor had pronounced her eyes so much better that she could leave the following week. Plump, and rosy, and bright-eyed, Stephanie was as pretty a little girl as one could wish to see. To be sure there was a fly in her ointment. The Doctor had not succeeded in turning her eyes into big brown ones like Mamie’s, as Stephanie had suggested. But nurse assured her that blue eyes would probably wear better in the long run.

Stephanie was playing peacefully by herself, while the other children visited with their parents, during the one hour allowed for this every Sunday.

“Here’s a visitor to see you, Stephanie,” said the nurse. And in walked Mrs. Rogazrovitch, saffron coat, purple hat, and all. She was a little cleaner than usual; there was more black upon her boots than upon her hands. But she was still a striking contrast to Hospital standards. Stephanie greeted her without enthusiasm. Indeed, when she spied the familiar face, she shrank back to the skirts of Nurse, with a little gasp that told more than words. The mother flushed. Other mothers were watching.

“Well, Stephanie!” she cried in astonishment mingled with pride. “You do look good! Ain’t ye glad to see me, eh?” Still Stephanie held back. “Your eyes get well, Stephanie? You’ll be coming home soon, yes?” But Stephanie pouted and kicked the floor with her toe. Mrs. Rogazrovitch turned to the nurse. The latter shook her head dubiously.

“Have you fixed up your house as the Doctor said? You know she will have to be kept clean, and sleep in an airy room. And you’ll have to feed her right and bring her here often for examination.”

The mother twisted uneasily. “I’ll fix the house up yet,” she promised. “I ain’t had time, but I will.” Two weeks alone in the childless tenement had put a new value on Stephanie. And the pretty, bright-eyed child seemed no longer a mere burden. “I’ll come back for you next week,” she finished, touching Stephanie’s curls with the first real tenderness she had ever shown. “Good bye, Stephanie.”

But at the end of her three weeks Stephanie did not go home, though her eyes no longer needed Hospital care. When Mrs. Rogazrovitch appeared, ready to reclaim her child, she was staggered with the counter-suggestion that Stephanie should go to the sea-shore for a month.

“Stephanie needs a vacation,” was the report. “You must not deprive her of the chance. It may keep her from having a relapse. Every relapse is dangerous. And the month will give you time to fix up your house and get it ready for such a nice little girl to live in.”

The desired result came not without argument. For now Mrs. Rogazrovitch was set upon having her pretty child back again. But luckily she was not deaf to reason, as Mrs. Valentino had been. And the assurance that Stephanie would receive four weeks’ board in the country free had some weight in the matter. Reluctantly she consented that Stephanie should go. So the very week that ushered poor little Paolo into a still further country, from which there is no return, saw Stephanie saluting the wonders of green fields, flowers, and ocean shore.

Her mother returned with a slow step to the empty tenement. Mrs. Raftery, next door, was consumed with curiosity, when with her head out of window she spied the saffron coat and purple hat entering dejectedly the door below, unaccompanied.

“Why, where’s Stephanie?” she cried. “I thought you was afther goin’ to fetch home the child.”

The purple hat rose to the occasion with a jerk. “Stephanie is going for a vacation to the sea-shore,” said Mrs. Rogazrovitch with dignity.

“Glory be!” ejaculated Mrs. Raftery, pulling in her head and sinking into a chair. The news, swiftly imparted, raised considerably the standing of Mrs. Rogazrovitch in that neighborhood.

Presently Stephanie’s luck began to take another turn for the better; for as soon as she was well out of reach on the Island, Stephanie’s mother began to repent that she had let her go so easily. Others might covet the now precious possession. She began to suspect a conspiracy to keep Stephanie permanently exiled. There had been conditions set upon her return. For the first time Mrs. Rogazrovitch began to consider seriously the instructions she had received about hygiene and sanitation.

One morning the neighbors were surprised by an unwonted activity in the fourth floor back. Clouds of dust, followed by the smell of soap, issued from the long unopened windows. Dingy articles were banged viciously and hung out to imbibe the unaccustomed sun. That week was a perpetual wash-day. Mrs. Raftery had her theory. At last she could stand the suspense no longer, but put her theory squarely to the test, with a question.

“I’m making ready for Stephanie’s home-coming,” answered Mrs. Rogazrovitch tartly. “What do you suppose, anyhow?”

“Blessed Saints!” ejaculated Mrs. Raftery. “I thought you was goin’ to take one lodger at least, the way you’re makin’ everything so grand an’ tidy. La sakes! An’ it’s only for Stephanie!”

But it was her neighbor’s next remark that smote Mrs. Raftery nearly dumb. It was made with some hesitation. “Will you—tell me—about making—soup?—I want to learn to cook.”

When she could recover Mrs. Raftery gasped, “Cookin’, is it? Hivenly powers! Why, I’ll show ye meself. I’ve been a cook all my life, till this lameness took me. And sure, there’s a diet kitchen around the corner, I’m told, where they’ll give ye points.”

It was this repeated conversation that made the neighborhood hysterical. Mrs. Rogazrovitch cleaning house! Mrs. Rogazrovitch learning to cook!

“It’s a changed craytur she is entirely!” exclaimed Mrs. Raftery, to her gossip. “An’ it’s a changed home into which Stephanie will be comin’ from her vacation at the sea-shore. It’s small blame to her man that he ran away from that home two years ago, I’m thinkin’. But the woman will have no trouble at all gettin’ a lodger these days, the way her rooms be lookin’ so nice and dacint. Say, she’s been afther tellin’ me that my childher ought to have more fresh air o’ nights! And doughnuts, she says, is not healthy for infants. The knowingness of her! Sure, they’ll soon be afther makin’ Mrs. Rogazrovitch the Prisidint of the Improvemint Society, the way she’s gettin’ intelligint an’ forthcomin’. An’ she with a child visitin’ at the sea-shore!”

So when Corporal Rogazrovitch, newly discharged, returned to take a secret reconnaissance of the home which he had deserted for the sake of his Country,—and for his own peace of mind,—he heard and saw such changes as made him decide not to re-enlist. This was another bit of luck for Stephanie; if you look at it from the right angle.

And then,—there was the Kindergarten, too, for to-morrow!

There was to be no anti-climax after all in Stephanie’s home-coming.

Changes

 

MICHAEL PATRICK HEARN, WRITER : 
There were all kinds of changes. 
Toto became a cow named Imogene. 
The producer added all kinds 
of secondary characters 
that had nothing to do with 
the original children's book. 
And Dorothy became a teenager 
who falls in and out of love 
throughout the play.


NARRATION : 
In the musical, Dorothy and Imogene 
were blown to Oz along with 
a waitress from Topeka 
named Trixie Tryfle
the Cowardly Lion was turned into a bit part 
and The Wicked Witch of the West 
was removed from the story.


Friday 13 January 2023

I'm a Very Bad Wizard.





"Oh, no, my dear; I'm really 

a very Good Man; but 

I'm a very bad Wizard."






DOUGLAS A. JONES, JR., HUMANITIES SCHOLAR

Baum does not cast The Wizard as a villain figure, but rather 

he sees The Wizard as playing a 

very particular kind of function for this group of people 

who want something. 

He suggests that if 

Deception can fulfill one's desires, 

there is a need for that.


SUSAN ARONSTEIN, 

LITERARY SCHOLAR

If you think about what 

The Cowardly Lion, 

The Scarecrow and 

The Tin Man all want

What The Wizard gives them 

isn't that thing, but because 

they believe it’s that thing,

  that actually does 

magically transform them.


Thursday 12 January 2023

Extra Thing or Part








spare (v.)
Old English sparian "to refrain from harming, be indulgent to, allow to go free; use sparingly," from the source of Old English spær "sparing, frugal," from Proto-Germanic *sparaz (source also of Old Saxon sparon, Old Frisian sparia, Old Norse spara, Dutch sparen, Old High German sparon, German sparen "to spare"). 

Meaning "to dispense from one's own stock, give or yield up," is recorded from early 13c. 

Related: Spared; sparing.

spare (adj.)
"kept in reserve, not used, provided or held for extra need," late 14c., from or from the same root as spare (v.)

Old English had spær "sparing, frugal." 

Also compare Old Norse sparr "(to be) spared." 

In reference to time, from mid-15c.; sense of "lacking in substance; lean, gaunt; flimsy, thin; poor," is recorded from 1540s. 

Spare part is attested from 1888. 

Spare tire is from 1894 of bicycles; 1903 of automobiles; 1961 of waistlines.

spare (n.)
"extra thing or part," 1640s, from spare (adj.). 

The Middle English noun sense was "a sparing, mercy, leniency" (early 14c.). 

Bowling game sense of "an advantage gained by a knocking down of all pins in two bowls" is attested from 1843, American English.


spare-ribs (n.)
1590s, formerly also spear-ribs, from spare (adj.), here indicating probably "absence of fat;" or perhaps from Middle Low German ribbesper "spare ribs," from sper "spit," and meaning originally "a spit thrust through pieces of rib-meat" [Klein]; if so, it is related to spar (n.1).

sparingly (adv.)
mid-15c., from sparing, attested from late 14c. as a present-participle adjective from spare (v.), + -ly (2).

unsparing (adj.)
"showing no mercy," 1580s, from un- (1) "not" + sparing, attested from late 14c. as a present-participle adjective from spare (v.). 

Meaning "profuse" is from 1660s. 

Related: Unsparingly.

“And so : Balmoral. Closing my eyes, I can see the main entrance, the paneled front windows, the wide portico and three gray-black speckled granite steps leading up to the massive front door of whisky-colored oak, often propped open by a heavy curling stone and often manned by one red-coated footman, and inside the spacious hall and its white stone floor, with gray star-shaped tiles, and the huge fireplace with its beautiful mantel of ornately carved dark wood, and to one side a kind of utility room, and to the left, by the tall windows, hooks for fishing rods and walking sticks and rubber waders and heavy waterproofs — so many waterproofs, because summer could be wet and cold all over Scotland, but it was biting in this Siberian nook — and then the light brown wooden door leading to the corridor with the crimson carpet and the walls papered in cream, a pattern of gold flock, raised like braille, and then the many rooms along the corridor, each with a specific purpose, like sitting or reading, TV or tea, and one special room for the pages, many of whom I loved like dotty uncles, and finally the castle’s main chamber, built in the nineteenth century, nearly on top of the site of another castle dating to the fourteenth century, within a few generations of another Prince Harry, who got himself exiled, then came back and annihilated everything and everyone in sight. 


My distant kin. 

My kindred spirit, some would claim. If nothing else, my namesake. 


Born September 15, 1984, I was christened Henry Charles Albert David of Wales.


  But from Day One everyone called me Harry.


  In the heart of this main chamber was the grand staircase. Sweeping, dramatic, seldom used. Whenever Granny headed up to her bedroom on the second floor, corgis at her heels, she preferred the lift.


  The corgis preferred it too.


  Near Granny’s lift, through a pair of crimson saloon doors and along a green tartan floor, was a smallish staircase with a heavy iron banister; it led up to the second floor, where stood a statue of Queen Victoria. I always bowed to her as I passed. Your Majesty! Willy did too. We’d been told to, but I’d have done it anyway. I found the “Grandmama of Europe” hugely compelling, and not just because Granny loved her, nor because Pa once wanted to name me after her husband. (Mummy blocked him.) Victoria knew great love, soaring happiness—but her life was essentially tragic. Her father, Prince Edward, Duke of Kent and Strathearn, was said to be a sadist, sexually aroused by the sight of soldiers being horsewhipped, and her dear husband, Albert, died before her eyes. Also, during her long, lonely reign, she was shot at eight times, on eight separate occasions, by seven different subjects.


  Not one bullet hit the mark. Nothing could bring Victoria down.


  Beyond Victoria’s statue things got tricky. Doors became identical, rooms interlocked. Easy to get lost. Open the wrong door and you might burst in on Pa while his valet was helping him dress. Worse, you might blunder in as he was doing his headstands. Prescribed by his physio, these exercises were the only effective remedy for the constant pain in Pa’s neck and back. Old polo injuries, mostly. He performed them daily, in just a pair of boxers, propped against a door or hanging from a bar like a skilled acrobat. If you set one little finger on the knob you’d hear him begging from the other side: No! No! Don’t open! Please God don’t open!


  Balmoral had fifty bedrooms, one of which had been divided for me and Willy. Adults called it the nursery. Willy had the larger half, with a double bed, a good-sized basin, a cupboard with mirrored doors, a beautiful window looking down on the courtyard, the fountain, the bronze statue of a roe deer buck. My half of the room was far smaller, less luxurious. I never asked why. I didn’t care. But I also didn’t need to ask. Two years older than me, Willy was the Heir, whereas I was the Spare.


  This wasn’t merely how the press referred to us — though it was definitely that. This was shorthand often used by Pa and Mummy and Grandpa. And even Granny. The Heir and The Spare — there was no judgment about it, but also no ambiguity. I was The Shadow, the support, the Plan B. I was brought into the world in case something happened to Willy. 


I was summoned to provide backup, distraction, diversion and, if necessary, a spare part. 


Kidney, perhaps. Blood transfusion. Speck of bone marrow. This was all made explicitly clear to me from the start of life’s journey and regularly reinforced thereafter. 


I was twenty the first time I heard the story of what Pa allegedly said to Mummy the day of my birth: Wonderful! Now you’ve given me an Heir and a Spare—my work is done. A joke. Presumably. On the other hand, minutes after delivering this bit of high comedy, Pa was said to have gone off to meet with his girlfriend. So. Many a true word spoken in jest.


  I took no offense. I felt nothing about it, any of it. Succession was like the weather, or the positions of the planets, or the turn of the seasons. Who had the time to worry about things so unchangeable


Who could bother with being bothered by A Fate etched in stone? 


Being a Windsor meant working out which Truths were timeless, and then banishing them from your mind. 


It meant absorbing the basic parameters of one’s Identity, knowing by instinct Who You Were, which was forever a byproduct of Who You Weren’t.


  I wasn’t Granny.

  I wasn’t Pa.

  I wasn’t Willy.


  I was Third in Line behind them.


  Every boy and girl, at least once, imagines themselves as a Prince or Princess. 


Therefore, Spare or no Spare, it wasn’t half bad to actually be one. More, Standing resolutely behind Th People You Loved, wasn’t that the definition of Honour?


  Of Love?


  Like bowing to Victoria as you passed?



harry (v.)
Old English hergian "make war, lay waste, ravage, plunder," the word used in the Anglo-Saxon Chronicle for what The Vikings did to England, from Proto-Germanic *harjon (source also of Old Frisian urheria "lay waste, ravage, plunder," Old Norse herja "to make a raid, to plunder," Old Saxon and Old High German herion, German verheeren "to destroy, lay waste, devastate"). 

This is literally "to overrun with an army," from Proto-Germanic *harjan "an armed force" (source also of Old English here, Old Norse herr "crowd, great number; army, troop," Old Saxon and Old Frisian heri, Dutch heir, Old High German har, German Heer, Gothic harjis "a host, army").

The Germanic words come from PIE root *korio- "war" also "war-band, host, army" (source also of Lithuanian karas "war, quarrel," karias "host, army;" Old Church Slavonic kara "strife;" Middle Irish cuire "troop;" Old Persian kara "host, people, army;" Greek koiranos "ruler, leader, commander"). Weakened sense of "worry, goad, harass" is from c. 1400. Related: Harried; harrying.

Harry
masc. proper name, a familiar form of Henry. Weekley takes the overwhelming number of Harris and Harrison surnames as evidence that "Harry," not "Henry," was the Middle English pronunciation of Henry. Compare Harriet, English equivalent of French Henriette, fem. diminutive of Henri.

Entries linking to harry

Henry 
masc. proper name, from French Henri, from Late Latin Henricus, from German Heinrich, from Old High German Heimerich, literally "The Ruler of The House," from heim "home" (see home (n.)) + rihhi "ruler" (from PIE root *reg- "move in a straight line," with derivatives meaning "to direct in a straight line," thus "to lead, rule"). One of the most popular Norman names after the Conquest. Related: Henrician.

Harriet 
fem. proper name, fem. of Harry.

“We think that gentlemen lose a particle of their respect for young ladies who allow their names to be abbreviated into such cognomens as Kate, Madge, Bess, Nell, &c. 

Surely it is more lady-like to be called Catharine, Margaret, Eliza, or Ellen

We have heard the beautiful name Virginia degraded into Jinny; and Harriet called Hatty, or even Hadge.”

— Eliza Leslie, 
"Miss Leslie's Behaviour Book,"
 Philadelphia, 1839

Nautical slang Harriet Lane "preserved meat" (1896) is the name of the victim of a notorious murder in which it was alleged the killer chopped up her body.

army
harangue
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harness
Harold
harrier
Harris
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harrow
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Herefordshire
heriot
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Lothario

Our Scapegoats are Coming Home





“Scapegoats will eventually return to those who sent them away.

Our Scapegoats are coming Home, and leading them is Dionysus — emerging once again from the sea of the collective unconscious, reborn in our world and asking to be humanized before his archetypal energy runs amok. As he did in ancient times, the god is throwing off his chains, flowing as glorious wine, and demanding to be heard.

And he will be heard, because this is the inescapable Truth: You cannot kill a god. You can only repress him, sacrifice him, drive him to The Underworld and to a new epiphany. But you cannot get RID of him. We carry The Archetype of Ecstasy deep within us, and it must be lived out with dignity and consciousness. 

The Scapegoat, Dionysus, is returning; and we must recognize him and welcome Him back gladly.”

— Excerpt from: "Ecstasy : Understanding the Psychology of Joy" by Robert A. Johnson.



"My family lived to be outdoors, especially Granny, who got cross if she didn’t breathe at least an hour of fresh air each day. What we did outdoors, however, what we said, wore, ate, I can’t conjure. There’s some reporting that we journeyed by the royal yacht from the Isle of Wight to the castle, the yacht’s final voyage. Sounds lovely.


  What I do retain, in crisp detail, is the physical setting. The dense woods. The deer-nibbled hill. The River Dee snaking down through the Highlands. Lochnagar soaring overhead, eternally snow-spattered. Landscape, geography, architecture, that’s how my memory rolls. Dates? Sorry, I’ll need to look them up. Dialogue? I’ll try my best, but make no verbatim claims, especially when it comes to the nineties. But ask me about any space I’ve occupied—castle, cockpit, classroom, stateroom, bedroom, palace, garden, pub—and I’ll re-create it down to the carpet tacks.


  Why should my memory organize experience like this? Is it genetics? Trauma? Some Frankenstein-esque combination of the two? Is it my inner soldier, assessing every space as potential battlefield? Is it my innate homebody nature, rebelling against a forced nomadic existence? Is it some base apprehension that the world is essentially a maze, and you should never be caught in a maze without a map?


  Whatever the cause, my memory is My Memory, it does What it Does, gathers and curates as it sees fit, and there’s just as much truth in what I remember and how I remember it as there is in so-called objective facts. Things like chronology and cause-and-effect are often just fables we tell ourselves about the past. The past is never dead. It’s not even past. When I discovered that quotation not long ago on BrainyQuote.com, I was thunderstruck. I thought, Who the fook is Faulkner? 


And how’s he related to Us-Windsors?"

Wednesday 11 January 2023

Lynn


partridge (n.)
"type of four-toed Eurasian bird," c. 1300, partrich (late 12c. as a surname, Ailwardus Pertiz), from Old French pertis, alteration of perdis (perhaps influenced by fem. suffix -tris), from Latin perdicem (nominative perdix) "plover, lapwing," from Greek perdix, the Greek partridge, a name probably related to perdesthai "to break wind," in reference to the whirring noise of the bird's wings, from PIE imitative base *perd- "to break wind" (source also of Sanskrit pardate "breaks wind," Lithuanian perdžiu, persti, Russian perdet, Old High German ferzan, Old Norse freta, Middle English farten).




EXT. RADIO STATION/POLICE CORDON – DAY 3 

Lynn tries to walk past the media. 

JOURNALIST 
Lynn? Lynn Benfield, can we have a word? 

LYNN 
Alan doesn’t like me speaking to The Press. 

JOURNALIST 
But we’re not Press, 
We’re Television. 

LYNN 
Well, I’m not really … 

She touches her hair. 

JOURNALIST 
We’ve got hair and make-up. 

Beat. 

LYNN 
Oh. 

INT. RADIO STATION – HOSTAGE ROOM – DAY 3 
Alan is in the hostage room. 
There’s a swagger about him, largely because 
he’s currently on the TV. 

BBC NEWSCASTER 
Back now to Norwich, where DJ Alan Partridge 
continues to bring news … 

ALAN (Playfully
Angela? Someone wants a word with you. 

ANGELA Who? 

ALAN 
Him. 

He nods towards the TV, 
but by the time Angela looks round, 
he’s no longer on-screen. 
It’s Kim Jong-un. 

ANGELA 
Why? 

He looks up. 

ALAN 
Oh, shit. 

Alan flicks through dozens and dozens of channels at high speed. The camera stays on his face and his expression goes from contentment to confusion to irritation to mounting concern. Eventually, he finds a channel where he’s on. 

ALAN (CONT’D) 
Him! Look — me, on the TV. Good photo. 

INT. RADIO STATION – DISABLED TOILET – DAY 3 
Alan leads Angela into a disabled toilet, trying to act breezy. 

ALAN 
Yeah, it’s just your basic disabled loo. 
You’ve got your lowered seat pan, back pad, 
hi-vis grab bar, panic cord, lady bin … 

ANGELA 
Alan, calm down, you’re being all hectic. 
This is because you’re on TV, isn’t it? 
You’re all puffed up like a robin. 

ALAN 
It’s like you can see in me … 

ANGELA 
Alan, you didn’t bring me in here to 
talk about disabled toilet facilities, did you? 

ALAN 
Yeah, I did. (Beat) 
No, I didn’t. 

EXT. RADIO STATION – DAY 3 
Lynn emerges from a make-up trailer. 

JOURNALIST 
Oh, wow. Lynn, you look fantastic. 

The journalist hands Lynn a mirror. 
She looks at herself and seems surprised. 
She has volumised hair and colour in her cheeks. 

LYNN 
Good gracious. 

INT. RADIO STATION – DISABLED TOILETS – DAY 3
 Angela and Alan are standing very close to each other. 

ALAN 
You know, I have this mad dream 
where the two of us have a day out 
in the Scottish Highlands. 
And we’re standing on this craggy rock — 
well, more of a rocky crag — 
just staring out majestically 
and roaring into the abyss. 

ANGELA 
Just shouting, ‘Scotland!’ 

ALAN 
Yeah. Or I prefer, ‘The UK!’ 

ANGELA 
And what else did we do? 

ALAN 
We laid on the grass, looking up at the sky, 
pretending to be Scottish people 
and laughing our heads off. 

ANGELA 
We ‘lay’ on the grass. 

ALAN 
No, I was using the past tense. 
Laid on the grass. 

ANGELA 
I know, but ‘lay’ is the intransitive past tense of ‘lie’. 

This sinks in. 

ALAN 
Oh, yeah. Where are you from? The … 

ANGELA 
Ipsw— 

ALAN 
Wait …! The Planet Knockout? 

ANGELA 
Ipswich. 

She moves closer. 
She’s clearly about to kiss him. 
There’s a whistle from his nose. 

ALAN 
I’m sorry about the nasal whistle. 
It’s when I’m anxious.

It whistles again but she puts a finger 
on his nostril to silence it. 
And with her finger still there, she kisses him noisily.
Eventually, he breaks away to speak. 

ALAN (CONT’D) 
Mm. You know ‘Shape — the way you want it to be’?

 ANGELA 
Yes. 

ALAN 
Well, your shape’s the way I want it to be. 
I’m on about your body

She looks down at his groin. 

ANGELA 
And what might this be? 

ALAN 
That is my damn todger, and it’s 
all the fault of a certain Miss Angela … 
I’m sorry, I don’t know your second name. 

INT. RADIO STATION – HOSTAGE ROOM – DAY 3 

Jason is watching the TV in the hostage room 
as Lynn gives an interview to camera. 

LYNN 
He’s very brave. He was once feeding ducks in the park. 
One took a peck at him, and instead of retreating 
he hit it with the back of his hand. 
He just rapped its bill. 

Jason looks through, sees Alan in the studio 
and beckons him in. 

JASON 
Hi! 

ALAN 
Hey! 

JASON 
Got time for a quick waah-waah? Alan looks at him blankly. 

JASON (CONT’D) 
A quick waah-waah? 

ALAN Oh, you mean ‘wa-wa’? 

JASON 
Yes. 

ALAN 
Sorry. You just did a different noise. 

JASON 
Look, how are you feeling about this, 
this whole media circus? 
How are you feeling? 

ALAN 
Between you and me, 
pretty puffed up, like … an owl. 

JASON 
Well, let’s hope you’re a wise one. 

ALAN 
Nice. I pitched it up, 
you knocked it out of the park. (Interlocking his fingers
Synergy. Oh, no, that’s lesbians. 

JASON 
Let me tell you something, Alan. 
As far as the press is concerned, 
you are the face of this siege. 

ALAN 
I am Siege Face. 

JASON 
Exactly. After this, you’ll get more offers 
than a whore at our Christmas party! 

ALAN 
(Laughing bawdily) I like that! 

JASON 
Yes, you’d know a thing or two about that, wouldn’t you? 

ALAN 
That would be … (Twirls imaginary moustache
That’s a moustache. 

JASON 
Seriously, did you give her one? 

ALAN 
Well, I gave her a ruddy big kiss she won’t forget in a hurry.
Hand on the outside of the bra — reconnaissance — 
and then I just held her in my arms, because 
she told me she never knew her mother. 
And I said, ‘Well, my mother raised me 
and lived to a ripe old age, but — guess what? — 
I never really knew her, and …’ 
(Composing himself) To get back on track, yes. Woo! 


JASON 
I like you. 

ALAN (Instantly
I like you

INT. RADIO STATION – CORRIDOR – DAY 3 
Alan is talking to Lynn on the phone 
as he strides down the corridor. 

Intercut with Lynn at home. 

ALAN 
He likes me, Lynn. 
Jason Tresswell likes me.

LYNN 
Alan, are you okay? 

ALAN 
I’ve got to be quick. 
Pat only thinks I’ve borrowed his phone 
to play Angry Birds on the toilet. 

LYNN 
Of course. What is it? 

ALAN 
It’s a computerised bird-throwing game. 

LYNN 
No, I meant … 

ALAN 
I’m joking, Lynn! Enjoy me. Everyone else is. 
Gordale Media think I’m some sort of Christ 2.0. 
Do you know, I’m within a brair’s headth 
of getting the breakfast show? 

I’m going to call myself 
the morning rooster, 
or the talking cock. 

LYNN 
Alan, you’re not thinking clearly. 

ALAN 
Yes, I am. Lynn, I’ll say this once and I’ll say it again. 
My career is getting a shot in the arm from this siege, 
and if I can stay in here until the bitter end, 
I will be the biggest thing to come out of Norwich 
since Lord Nelson, or Trisha. 
Think about that, Lynn. 
Think about what that means

LYNN 
Your first priority should be 
the welfare of the hostages

ALAN 
That’s good. Put that out 
as a press release 
and say I said it.

LYNN 
Alan, Your Ego’s getting The Better of you. 

ALAN 
I’ve just got to stay alert and focused. 
I’m playing them like an oboe, Lynn. 
How effed up is that

As Alan says this he pushes through a door. 
It closes behind him. 

EXT. RADIO STATION – REAR – DAY 3 
It takes a second to sink in, then he looks at the door. 
It was a fire exit at the back of the building. He’s outside
He pulls at the door, trying to get back in. It won’t open. 

ALAN 
Oh

Looking around, Alan sees a ground-floor 
bathroom window slightly ajar. 
He climbs over the fire-escape railings 
so he can approach it from above 
and opens the window 
to slide his legs in first. 
He gets his balance wrong, though, 
and ends up jammed in the small opening like a stuck pig. 
Legs inside, body outside, hinging at the waist. 
His belt is caught on the window latch. 

ALAN (CONT’D) 
Not now! Oh, for God’s sake. I’m caught on the latch. 

He accepts that he needs to gets his legs out 
and try again, so he lets his body fall. 
His legs follow, and his trousers 
and underpants start to come off. 

ALAN (CONT’D) 
Come on, please! 
Eventually, his trousers and underpants are off completely. 
He gets up from the floor and reaches for his trousers. 

ARMED POLICEMAN 
Stop! Armed police. Get your hands above your head. 

Alan turns to see an armed officer pointing a gun at him. 
He covers his genitals with one hand 
and tries to grab his trousers with the other. 

ALAN 
I can’t … I’ve just … 

ARMED POLICEMAN 
Get your hands above your head! 

ALAN 
I just want to get those trousers. 

ARMED POLICEMAN 
Do it! Get your hands above your head. Do it! 

ALAN 
They’re my trousers. 

ARMED POLICEMAN 
Get your hands above your head, now. 

Alan hesitates and then puts them up. 
He’s tucked his penis between his legs. 

ARMED POLICEMAN (CONT’D) 
What are you doing? It’s weird

ALAN 
There are paparazzi all over the place 
and I do not want them to get 
a photograph of my genitals. 

At that moment, a photographer emerges 
out of nowhere and snaps him from behind. 

ALAN (CONT’D) 
Ah, come on! He turns to glare at the guy. 

PHOTOGRAPHER 
That’s it! Look at me. 

Eventually, the photographer finishes 
snapping him and walks off. 

INT. SCHOOL/POLICE INCIDENT ROOM – DAY 3 
Alan wears paper forensic trousers. 
He is being debriefed by Janet and Martin. 

MARTIN 
And how were the hostages when you left? 

ALAN 
Crouched, brave, big. 

MARTIN 
I mean, what’s their state of mind? 

ALAN 
If I’m honest, a bit moany. 
Is someone writing this down? 

An officer in the corner raises his hand. 

ALAN (CONT’D) 
Oh, sorry. I thought you were some clothes. 
Thanks for the forensic trousers, by the way. 

MARTIN 
Could you just …? 

He signals for him to sit with his legs closed. 

ALAN 
Oh, crikey! Yes, sorry. I was going to fashion 
a sort of makeshift modesty sporran 
from the vacant arm flaps. 

He crams the arm flaps under his buttocks 
to block the view, then looks up. 

JANET 
Okay, I think we’re done here. 

ALAN 
Any chance of freshening up? 
I just need to wipe my face with a big hot towel, 
and presumably you want to use me 
as part of your media strat? 

JANET No. 

ALAN 
Do you agree? 

MARTIN 
Hundred per cent. 

ALAN 
Got you. 

He marches out confidently, to save face. 

INT. ALAN’S LOUNGE – NIGHT 3 
Alan’s sat watching TV, looking despondent. 
On-screen is the rolling news of the siege. Lynn is with him

LYNN 
The Police said you could do media interviews 
when the siege is over. 

He stands up and walks across the room. 


ALAN 
It’ll be too late then, Lynn. 
People move on. 
Gordale Media’ll move on. 

LYNN 
But you’re still being talked about. 

ALAN 
Only because every time I look at the telly 
they’re showing a picture of my arse. 

Behind Alan, on TV, Lynn’s face is on-screen. 
Whenever Alan mentions his backside, 
Lynn appears. And vice versa. 

ALAN (CONT’D) 
It’s all right for you. Every other time I look 
they’re showing a picture of your face
and then the next time — 
surprise, surprise 
— my arse again. 

LYNN 
I mean, I was only telling people about you. 

ALAN 
You know, I was Gordale’s golden goose 
and now I’m just partridge pie … with peas. 

LYNN 
But why do you want to work for 
people like that? 
Gordale are bullies. 

ALAN 
Yes, and what do you do with a bully, then? 
You make friends with the bully 
so they bully someone else. 

LYNN 
What doth it profit a man …’ 

ALAN 
Doth? 

LYNN 
… if he gains the whole world yet loses his soul?’ 
Matthew, chapter eight … 

ALAN 
Yes, I know who wrote it. 
I’m not going to sell my soul, Lynn. 
I want to, if you like, lend my soul to Gordale Media 
on a long-term basis for cash. It’s a very different thing. 
It, it, it … 

Unable to think of a point to make, he just stares her out. 

LYNN 
I don’t know how you can look yourself in the eye. 


ALAN 
I can’t, Lynn. My nose is in the way. 
And you can talk, prattling away 
on every news bulletin. 
I mean, Who The Heck 
Do You Think You Are? 

LYNN (Defiantly
I’m Lynn Benfield. 

ALAN 
You don’t look like Lynn Benfield. 
I mean, what has happened to you? 
With your attitude and your hair
you’ve literally become a big head. 

LYNN 
I like it. 

ALAN 
I take no pleasure in saying this, Lynn, 
but a lot of people think it looks like 
a photograph of an explosion. 

LYNN 
I don’t know if I want to 
work for a man like you. 

ALAN 
I don’t know that I want to employ 
someone who looks like a madam. 

And I don’t mean a Parisian one, 
I mean one who lives in a terraced 
house behind a train station. 

Lynn’s had enough. She storms off, 
leaving Alan alone with his nasal whistle.