Kal'Hya

WORF: 

By Tradition, The Klingon Man spends 

the four nights before his wedding 

on a mental and spiritual journey. 

It is called Kal'Hyah, 

The Path of Clarity. 

And he is accompanied 

by his closest male friends.

MARTOK: 

You cannot imagine the experience that awaits us —

Four long nights filled with 

song and fellowship. 

A time of unbridled pleasures.

O'BRIEN: 

Are we talking about A Bachelor Party?

WORF: 

It is a similar ritual.

BASHIR: 

That's good enough for me.

O'BRIEN: 

Me too.

SISKO: 

Count me in.

WORF: 

We will meet in the holosuite tomorrow night at twenty one hundred hours.

MARTOK: 

I advise you all to get plenty of rest.

BASHIR: 

Four nights at a Klingon bachelor party. 

Just think of the possibilities.

O'BRIEN: 

Thank God Keiko's not here.

(O'Brien and Bashir leave.)

SISKO: 

I wonder what Dax will be doing while we're travelling down Kal'Hyah?

MARTOK: 

She will be taking a different journey  — 

with My Wife.

SISKO: 

Your Wife?

[Holosuite cave]

(Dark, with a central fire and lit by flaming torches.)

BASHIR: 

I could do without the heat. 

I can't say much for the decor either.

O'BRIEN: 

Well, it can't be all fun and games. 

I'm sure there has to be some sort of ritual 

we have to go through before The Party begins. 

…there is going to be A Party, isn't there?

ALEXANDER: 

You're asking me? 

I can barely Say My Name 

in Klingon.

MARTOK: 

Prepare yourselves, my friends, for a journey you won't soon forget.

WORF: 

These are Ma'Stakas.

(Worf hands out staves with big balls on the end.)

BASHIR: 

What do we do with them?

MARTOK: 

At the conclusion of the wedding ceremony, you will use them to attack Worf and Dax.

O'BRIEN: 

Obviously. Don't you know anything?

WORF: 

The Tradition dates back to the wedding of Kahless and Lukara, 

who were nearly killed by Molor's troops moments after they were married.
Until the ceremony, you should keep them with you at all times.

SISKO: 

I Trust that this combat is non-lethal?

MARTOK: 

It is a symbolic attack only.

(Alexander has found the buffet table.)

WORF: 

The Food is not to be eaten.

ALEXANDER: 

Then what is it for?

WORF: 

It is here to tempt us into breaking our fast.

SISKO: 

Fast?

WORF: 

There are Six Trials we must face on the path to Kal'Hyah. 

This is the first, Deprivation. 

We now begin A Fast 

that will continue until 

the day of the wedding.

BASHIR: 

That's four days away.

MARTOK: 

It is a short time, I know, 

but we must make the best of it.

SISKO: 

What are the other five trials?

WORF: 

Blood, Pain, Sacrifice, 

Anguish and Death.

BASHIR: 

Sounds like Marriage all right.

O'BRIEN: 

How would you know?

WORF: 

It is time to begin.

• • • • • • •

(Alexander has passed out.)

BASHIR: 

Alexander?

ALEXANDER: 

Grandma?

BASHIR: 

Guess again.

ALEXANDER: 

We're still on the —

BASHIR: 

The Road to Kal'Hyah, 

Day Five-Hundred.

O'BRIEN: 

Maybe we should turn down The Heat, 

you know, for Alexander's sake.

ALEXANDER: 

No, it's okay. 

I just need some water.

BASHIR: 

Now you don't want to push yourself too hard. 

You know, turning down The Heat might be a good idea.

MARTOK: 

The whole point is to push yourself 

to the limits of your endurance.

ALEXANDER: 

I Will. I want to Travel 

The Entire Path to Kal'Hyah. 

Stoke The Fire again!

WORF: 

As you wish.

MARTOK: 

Of course, we cannot expect 

you non-Klingons to have the same stamina as we do. 

If you wish to quit, 

no one will think any less of you.

BASHIR: 

Who said anything about quitting?

SISKO: 

Not me.

O'BRIEN: 

I like the heat.

MARTOK: 

That's The Spirit! 

(sings) 

Kavek ko lee ko

MARTOK + WORF: 

Eh to che mah lo Tah oo-wah kah esh to pah deh ah re! 

Yah bosh-ah! Yah bosh-ah!, Yah bosh tomah!

(Bashir and O'Brien are hanging in manacles from a rope stretched across the cave.)

BASHIR: 

Miles?

O'BRIEN: 

Yeah?

BASHIR: 

It's working. 

I've had a vision about the future. 

I can see it so clearly.

O'BRIEN: 

What is it?

BASHIR: 

I'm going to Kill Worf. 

I'm going to Kill Worf. 

That's What I'm Going to Do. 

I can see it clearly now. 

I'm going to Kill him. Kill him.

O'BRIEN: 

Kill Worf. 

Kill Worf.

[Quark's]

(Dinner is served.)

QUARK: 

One steak with mushrooms, baked potato, sour cream and chives.

O'BRIEN: 

I should've had that.

QUARK: 

One double Altair sandwich, no mustard, two bowls of linguini, Bajoran shrimp and extra cheese. 

One loaf of mapa bread.

BASHIR: 

Quark, where's the kava juice?

QUARK: 

They're still squeezing the roots. Unless you want replicated?

BASHIR: 

We'll wait.

SISKO: 

What do you think you're doing?

O'BRIEN: 

The wedding's been called off.

SISKO: 

It's back on.

MARTOK: 

Worf is apologising to Jadzia at this very moment.

SISKO: 

Quark, take it all away. 

No food for those on the path to Kal'Hyah!

QUARK: 

No refunds for those on the path to Kal'Hyah as well. Sorry.

(Worf enters.)

ALEXANDER: 

Father, what happened?

WORF: 

She refused to not Change Her Mind. 

The Wedding is still off.

(The decorations start to come down again.)

SISKO: 

Where is she?

WORF: 

In her quarters.

SISKO: 

I'll go talk to her. 

Just keep them away from The Food.

Molly In Bloom

She's The One

Who like all our pretty songs

And she likes to sing along

And she likes to shoot her gun

But she don't know what it means

Don't know what it means

And I say ‘Yeah...’

Molly Bloom :

Dad? 

You all right? 

Sorry about that. Sorry. 

Professor Bloom :

How's it going? 

Molly Bloom :

What are you doing in New York? How'd you know I was at the skating rink? 

Professor Bloom :

I'm a Doctor of The Mind. 

Molly Bloom :

Oh, Dad. 

Professor Bloom :

I'm here in New York because that's where you are. 

I called your mom at the hotel and she said you were here. 

Listen, it's not a big deal, but from what I saw out there, I think you're having a small breakdown. 

That's weird. 

Molly Bloom :

I can't think of why. 

Professor Bloom :

Probably because of the arrest and not knowing what's going to happen next. 

Molly Bloom :

Old Man, do you really not recognize sarcasm? 

Professor Bloom :

Do you? 

Here, drink this. 

Molly Bloom :

I'm an alcoholic, I can't drink but thanks for remembering.

Professor Bloom :

It's hot chocolate. 

Okay. 

Professor Bloom :

And for diagnostic purposes, 

Do you think that we're on a cocktail lounge right now? 

You seeing waiters with trays of champagne? 

I want to check your pulse. 

Molly Bloom :

Have you found a pulse? 

Professor Bloom :

Yeah, just admiring my watch. 

Molly Bloom :

I can see you're getting warmed up but I really don't have the emotional bandwidth to defend my "as usual irresponsible behavior." 

Professor Bloom :

I know, I got your e-mail. 

I get that I'm not welcome in your life right now as Your Father though you should know 

I could give a shit if I'm welcome or not.

But I'm not here in my capacity as Your Father. 

I'm indifferent to whether Your Father lives or dies. 

I'm a very expensive therapist and I'm here to give you one free session. 

Molly Bloom :

You think what I need right now is a therapist? 

Professor Bloom :

Yeah. 

Molly Bloom :

I have to be back at my lawyer's office soon. 

Professor Bloom :

Do you like your lawyer? 

Molly Bloom :

I wasn't asking for money when I called you, Dad. 

I just needed My Dad. 

God forbid you part with a nickel. 

Professor Bloom :

Yeah, Tiny Tim, you grew up on a lake and you've skied all over the world, were those work houses tough? 

Molly Bloom :

I gotta go. 

Professor Bloom :

Molly.

Molly Bloom :

I gotta go. 

Professor Bloom :

Molly, sit the fuck down! 

All right, we're gonna do three years of therapy in three minutes. 

Molly Bloom :

How? 

Professor Bloom :

I'm gonna do what patients have been begging therapists to do for a hundred years, 

I'm just gonna give you The Answers. 

Molly Bloom :

To what? 

Professor Bloom :

Well, let's start with this -

Why does a young woman who, at 22, has a gold-plated resume, why does she run poker games? 

Molly Bloom :

Why did I choose to make a ton of money? 

That's a head scratcher. 

Professor Bloom :

You were gonna be a success at anything you wanted, you know it. 

If you'd gone to law school you'd have you'd have owned the law firm right now. 

Professor Bloom :

Why did you do... 

The Other Thing instead? 

Molly Bloom :

I don't know. 

Drugs. 

Professor Bloom :

You didn't start with the drugs until the end. 

They weren't The Problem, 

they were The Medicine. 

It was so you could control Powerful Men. 

Your addiction was having power over Powerful Men. 

Molly Bloom :

Is that what you really think? 

Professor Bloom :

No. I know it for sure. 

You've now completed your first year of therapy. 

Molly Bloom :

I saw an opportunity, 

it wasn't about you. 

Professor Bloom :

Nah, it wasn't just about me. 

Molly Bloom :

It wasn't at all about you.

Professor Bloom :

It was. 

Second year, second question. 

Molly Bloom :

Do you think you were a good husband? 

Professor Bloom :

What do you care? 

Molly Bloom :

I care, because you were married to my mother. 

I care because My Father's an asshole. 

Professor Bloom :

Congratulations, you've completed Year Two. 

And for The Record : —

Your Father raised three kids on a college professor's salary.

 

One of them is a two-time Olympian, a sixth round draft pick of the Philadelphia Eagles and a leading philanthropist.

 

The other is a cardiothorasic surgeon at Mass General 

and 

The Third managed to build a multi-million dollar business using not much more than her wits. 

Molly Bloom :

I'm about to plead Guilty in federal court. 

Professor Bloom :

Well, Nobody's Perfect.

 

The Point is I did a few things right.

 

Last Question. 

Molly Bloom :

No, I have to go. 

Professor Bloom :

Last question, Mol. 

I'll answer it but you have to ask it. 

You have... to ask it. 

Molly Bloom :

Why didn't you like me as much as my brothers? 

Professor Bloom :

There it is. 

I did. It only from time to time appeared that I didn't. 

Molly Bloom :

It only appeared that you didn't? 

Professor Bloom :

Yeah. 

Molly Bloom :

That is some Schedule 1 bullshit. 

Why would--

it only appeared-- 

Why would-- 

Okay, I had an attitude problem. 

I talked back. 

I broke some normal adolescent rules. 

I snuck phone time after curfew, 

I took your car when I wasn't allowed to-- 

And drove it into a McDonald's. 

And kids get punished for that, but they don't-- 

Professor Bloom :

Did I not say the McDonald's? 

I mean, did you misunderstand what drive-thru meant? 

Molly Bloom :

You turned into a different person, your voice, your face. 

Professor Bloom :

It's because I knew you knew. 

Molly Bloom :

I didn't hear what you said. 

Professor Bloom :

I said I knew you knew. 

Molly Bloom :

You knew I knew what? 

Professor Bloom :

What do you uh, think about the following concepts? 

Just gonna run 'em by you. 

‘Marriage.’ 

Molly Bloom :

It is a trap. 

Professor Bloom :

That I was cheating on Mom. 

I knew you knew. 

‘Society’ 

Molly Bloom :

It is a joke. 

Molly Bloom :

No, I didn't know unt-- until I was 20. 

Professor Bloom :

‘People.’ 

Molly Bloom :

I don't trust people. 

Professor Bloom :

No, you'd known since you were five. 

You saw me in my car and you really didn't know what you saw. 

Molly Bloom :

I don't have any heroes. 

Professor Bloom :

You knew, honey. 

And I knew you knew, and that's...

 

That's how I reacted to the shame. 

And you reacted by showing seething contempt for me, by driving my car into a McDonald's 

Molly Bloom :

And wanting to have power over Powerful Men? 

Professor Bloom :

No. That was a red herring just to make you mad. 

Molly Bloom :

You're such an-- 

Professor Bloom :

You tripped over a stick. Okay? 

Twelve years ago you tripped over a stick. 

It was a one-in-a-million thing. 

You tripped over a stick.

 

That's what you did wrong. 

There's your session. 

It's funny how much faster you can go when you're not charging by the hour.

I'm Your Father. 

Trying to comprehend how much I love you would be like trying to visualize the size of the universe. 

I didn't know you got beaten up until I read it in your book. 

It was a hell of a way to learn about it.

You should know that I'm hiring someone to find the guy who did it then I'm hiring someone to kill him. 

Molly Bloom :

Don't even joke about that. 

Professor Bloom :

I'm not. 

Molly Bloom :

It wasn't a purse snatcher, Dad, it was the mafia. 

Professor Bloom :

I don't care if it's the leader of Hamas.

Someone put their hands on you. 

They're gonna suffer. 

Molly Bloom :

Dad, I'm fine. 

Professor Bloom :

No, they're gonna suffer. 

Molly Bloom :

Dad, I'm all right. 

Professor Bloom :

No. They're gonna suf-- 

Molly Bloom :

Really, I'm fine.

THE 9 RULES OF UNCLE CHRIS

'Graham’

means 

'Grey Haired One’. 

That's why Graham is called Graham.

“Since this is The Generations Award, I'm going to cut to The Chase and I am going to speak to you, The Next Generation.

I Accept The Responsibility as Your Elder. 

So, listen up.

1.

"Breathe. 

If you don't, you will suffocate."

2.

"You have a soul. 

Be careful with it."

3.

"Don't be a Turd. 

If you are Strong, be a Protector. 

If you are Smart, be a Humble Influencer. 

Strength and Intelligence can be weapons, so do not wield them against The Weak. 

That makes you a bully. 

Be bigger than that."

4.

"When giving a dog medicine, put the medicine in a little piece of hamburger and they won't even know they're eating medicine."

5.

"It doesn't matter what it is. 

Earn it. 

A good deed. 

Reach out to someone in pain. 

Be of service. 

It feels good and it's good for your soul."

6.

"God is Real. 

God Loves You, God Wants The Best for You. 

Believe that, I do."

7.

"If you have to poop at a party, but you're embarrassed because you're going to stink up the bathroom, just do what I do. 

Lock the door, sit down, get all of the pee out first. 

And then, once all the pee is done, poop, flush, boom! 

You minimize the amount of time that the poop's touching the air. 

Because if you poop first, it takes you longer to pee and then you're peeing on top of it, stirring up the poop particles, create a cloud, goes out, then everyone at the party will know that you pooped. 

Just Trust Me, it's Science."

8.

"Learn to Pray. 

It's easy, and it is so good for your soul."

9.

"Nobody is Perfect. 

People will tell you that you are perfect just the way that you 
are, 
YOU ARE NOT! 

You are Imperfect. 

You always will be, but there is a Powerful Force that designed you that way, and if you are willing to accept that, you will have Grace. 

And Grace is a Gift. 

Like the freedom that we enjoy in this country, that grace was paid for with Somebody Else's Blood. 

Do Not Forget That. 

Don't take that for granted."

COAT

Host:  

"Love the coat.  

It's all about The Coat.  

Welcome to Caritas.  

You know what that means?" 

Angel:  

It's Latin for ‘mercy.’

[ ‘Charity’, actually,  but close-enough. ]

Host:  

"Smart and cute.  How about gracing us with a number?" 

Angel:  

"I don't sing." 

Host:  

"Neither does Mordar the Bentback! 

That cat's a foghorn on two legs." 

Cordy to Wes:  

"Who is this guy?" 

Wes:  "He's, uh, anagogic." 

Cordy: 

 "Really?  He looks like he's eating enough." 

Wes:  

"Psychic.  He's connected to the mystic.  

When you sing you bare you soul.  

He sees into it." 

Host:  

"This isn't about your pipes, bro.  It's about your spirit.  I can't read you unless you sing!" 

Angel:  

"I don't sing." 

Cordy:  

"Come on, Angel.  I wanna hear you sing." 

Angel:  "No." 

Wes:  

"It would be for a good cause.  We might learn something." 

Angel:  

"Who's the boss here?" 

Host:  

"I know you're feeling smooth, in the groove.  Isn't that the thing that comes before a fall?" 

Angel as they all look at him:  

"There are three things I don't do: Tan, date - and sing in public!" 

Angel walks out. 

Host:  

"See you around. - How fabulous would I look in that coat?"

Angel:  

"What's the Tribunal?" 

Woman:  

"Some kind of otherworldly court.  Supposedly they can save me and my daughter.  You - you go before them, you got to have that charm... I don't know how it works.  Kamal said that he was gonna be my champion. - You know what?  Screw this!  I'm getting out of town!" 

Angel:  "I told her to come here. - She doesn't trust me. - Why should she?" 

Angel hits the whiteboard. 

Cordy:  "You can't see everything.  You're just a vampire like everyone else... That didn't come out right." 

Angel:  "I thought I was out of the tunnel." 

Angel slumps down on the sofa. 

Cordy:  "Sure you did... because the tunnel is - you know, it's something we all... Are we talking real tunnel or symbolic?  Just give me that much." 

Angel:  "I-I saw the light at the end of the tunnel - that some day I might become human. - - That light was so bright, I thought I was already out." 

Cordy sits down beside him with a sigh:  "Yeah.  We all got a little cocky, didn't we? - It's gonna be a long while - until you work your way out - but I know you well enough to know you *will*. - And I'll be with you until you do." 

Angel:  "What about your inevitable stardom?" 

Cordy:  "I'm not saying I won't have a day job." 

Wesley:  "I think we got something. It's medieval.  A small badge or coat of arms, to be presented when going before the Cahair Binse.  Roughly translated that's chair of judgement." 

Angel:  "The Tribunal." 

Wes:  "Right.  An ancient court to settle grievances." 

Cordy:  "You mean- with like lawyers and stuff." 

Wes:  "This is a little more primitive. It's a fight to the death." 

Angel:  "That's why she needed a champion.  Where would this Tribunal take place?" 

Wes:  "There is no way to tell.  They're mystical events, they could rise up in our reality whenever they please." 

Angel:  "Look, we got to find her right away - whatever it takes. - There's only one way."

Angel singing:  "Oh, Mandy.  Well you came and you gave without taking, but I sent you away, oh Mandy. Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking. (The green, horned host is watching him sing) and I need you today, oh Mandy. (Angel looks around at the demons in the audience and his singing gets a lot worse)

Cordy sitting beside Wesley at a table:  "That man will do anything to save a life." 

She'll be at Forth and Spring.  

The trial will be there." 

Angel:  

"Trial?  How does it work?" 

Host:  

"I can only tell you what I tell you.  The rest is up to you." 

Angel gets up to leave. 

Angel:  "Can I save her?" 

Host:  "Try - and find out."

The pregnant woman is hurrying down an almost empty street at night, one hand on her belly. Suddenly three stone thrones occupied by dark robbed figures rise out of the ground behind her.  A horse whinnies and a knight in armor rides up the street towards them. 

The knight throws down a bronze disk. 

Judge:  "Where is your champion?" 

Woman:  "He's-he's dead." 

Judge:  "You have no coat of arms and no champion?" 

Woman:  "I ask for asylum." 

Judge:  "Asylum is not ours to give.  Two are chosen to meet in combat.  One can save your life.  One can take it.  This is the ancient law.  Your life is forfeit.  You have no champion." 

The knight pulls his sword as the woman backs away. A bronze disk lands on top of the other one. 

Angel:  "Yes, she does."