I Want for Nothing

“I do not desire The Captaincy. 

I am much more content with my scientific duties. 

And, I am frankly content to be a lesser target...

But if it should befall me, my operatives would avenge my death – and some of them are Vulcans.”

— SPOCK w.  Beard.

Int. Sleeping quarters.

KRYTEN, RIMMER, 

LISTER, HOLLY and CAT 

are in various positions -- 

sitting, lying down, standing, on screen.

RIMMER: 

Well, I should'a' guessed.  

It was all a mighty bit too strange. 

I mean, actually meeting someone who didn't want to vomit all over me in complete loathing and disgust.

KRYTEN: 

I shouldn't take it so personally, sir; it's the same for all of us.  

We've all been made to feel foolish, 

used, chewed up and spat out.

LISTER:

Look, she didn't mean us any harm.  She can't control how WE see her.  

She's -- A Mirror for Our Obsessions.

KRYTEN: 

Holly, what did you see?

HOLLY: 

I didn't see anything.  

I don't think I've got any Desires —

Either that, or me screen was foggy.

Sole Survivor

Look upon My Legacy, Algrim. 

I can barely remember a time before The Light. 

Our Survival will be your legacy. 

The Asgardians will suffer as we have suffered.

I will reclaim The Aether. 

I will restore Our World. 

And I will put an end 

to This Poisoned Universe.

Final Report of the commercial starship Nostromo, 

Third Officer Ripley Reporting. 

The other members of The Crew - 

Kane, Lambert, Parker, Brett, Ash, 

and Captain Dallas 

- are Dead. 

Cargo and Ship destroyed. 

I should reach The Frontier in about six weeks. 

With a little luck, 

The Network will pick me up. 

This is Ripley, 

Last Survivor of The Nostromo, 

signing off.

[to Jonesy the cat] 

Come on, cat.

This is an S.O.S Distress Call from The Mining Ship Red Dwarf. 

The Crew are Dead, 

killed by a radiation leak. 

The Only Survivors are 

Dave Lister, 

who was in suspended-animation during The Disaster, 

and his pregnant cat 

who was safely sealed in The Hold. 

Revived 3 million years later, 

Lister's only companions are, 

a life form who evolved from his cat 

and Arnold Rimmer, 

a hologram simulation 

of one of the dead crew. 

I am Holly, The Ship’s Computer 

with an IQ of 6,000 - 

The same IQ of 6,000 P.E. teachers, or 12,000 Car Park Attendants.

Behind The Mirrors

"Only The Good" Alternate Ending

[-- 25 - Int. Red Dwarf Landing bay 2 ------------------------------19:26--]

[The Dwarfers approach a dark and empty section of corridors leading

 towards the landing bay. A short way along a corridor, a film of some

 gelatinous, lumpy substance coats the various metal surfaces, and the whole

 section steams and drips steadily as the metal corrodes away]

[Enter KRYTEN, LISTER]

KRYTEN

  The microbe, which destroyed the Hermes - it's on Red Dwarf!

[Enter RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT]

LISTER

  How?

RIMMER

  The microbe's chameleonic, so it must have been the escape pod; the one

Talia whatsername arrived on.

LISTER

  We've gotta go back and tell them.

RIMMER

  But what about our escape?

LISTER

  It could be days before they discover this! If we go back now, they've got

a chance to work on an antidote.

RIMMER

  You're just acting all brave and manly to impress her, aren't you?

KOCHANSKI

  No, Dave's right. He's looking at the big picture.

RIMMER

  Yeah, 'the big picture' involves you, no clothes and a haystack.

[-- 26 - Int. Central chamber, floor 13 ----------------------------20:01--]

[Prisoners, CAPTAIN HOLLISTER present]

[HOLLISTER stands on the the first level balcony that circles the chamber

 and looks down at the inmates]

HOLLISTER

  Red Dwarf is being devoured from within by a corrosive micro-organism. As

you probably know, we don't have enough craft for everyone to be rescued,

so most of you will be staying behind to die. Oh, there's an apology about

that in the internal mail.

[-- 27 - Model/CGI shot --------------------------------------------20:18--]

[Red Dwarf cruises through space, as several squadrons of Blue Midget and

 Starbug transport craft stream away]

[-- 28 - Int. Landing bay 2, corroding corridor --------------------20:28--]

[KRYTEN, LISTER, RIMMER, KOCHANSKI, CAT present]

[KRYTEN holds a test tube, and gingerly collects a quantity of the dark

 brown, jelly-like microbe]

KRYTEN

  Just as I thought. Created in a lab and programmed not to destroy glass.

CAT

  So all we need is a plutonium powered greenhouse and we're home free!

KRYTEN

  We need an antidote. Something that can neutralise the corrosive

negativity of the microbe.

LISTER

  Something with a corrosive *positivity*?

CAT

  So where do we get that?

HOLLY [on LISTER's wristwatch]

  There's nothing in Yellow Pages.

KOCHANSKI

  A mirror universe! A universe where things are diametrically opposite to

this one. There, negative becomes positive, and a virus becomes an antidote.

[-- 29 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------20:59--]

[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI, RIMMER present]

[KRYTEN fusses over a small device he has placed on a platform in the centre

 of the room. KRYTEN powers up his machine, and a shimmering beam of light

 streams from the unit and into the prism positioned in front of it. The

 light emerges on the other side of the prism, circled by diminishing

 concentric rings, continuing forward until it strikes a tall mirror hung on

 the wall. The mirror 'ripples' as the beam perturbs its surface]

KRYTEN

  If there's even the slightest imperfection in the prism, the mirror

universe may be an imperfect version of our own. That's something we won't

know until we get there.

[LISTER gestures to RIMMER to lead on. Holding the tube of microbes in his

 right hand, RIMMER steps through the mirror...]

[-- 30 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------21:18--]

[RIMMER present]

[...and emerges in a mirror image of the room he just left. RIMMER holds up

 the test tube, surprised to see that he now holds it in his left hand, and

 that its contents have turned white]

[-- 31 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------21:22--]

[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

[An angry pop and a flash of sparks come from KRYTEN's machine, and the beam

 of light abruptly cuts off. KOCHANSKI, in the act of following RIMMER,

 finds herself colliding with a suddenly solid mirror]

[-- 32 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------21:25--]

[RIMMER present]

[RIMMER notices the mirror solidify behind him and spins around, panicked.

 He checks the now-solid surface closely, but there's nothing he can do]

[-- 33 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------21:28--]

[KRYTEN, CAT, LISTER, KOCHANSKI present]

[The machine fizzles and pops, showering sparks and sending a cloud of smoke

 spiralling upwards]

KRYTEN

  It's overloaded! We've lost Mister Rimmer!

CAT

  At last, things are looking up!

LISTER

  How long's it going to take to fix that thing?

KRYTEN

  Well, best guess, about twenty minutes.

[-- 34 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------21:39--]

[RIMMER looks around the room. We see a close up on a TV screen, which is

 showing an old black and white sci-fi horror movie. A woman is carrying

 a creature dressed in a dark suit and helmet that kicks its legs and howls

 melodramatically.

 There is a knock on the door. RIMMER realises what is going on, and dives

 to the bed, taking off his boots. The caller knocks again, while RIMMER

 finds a blanket tucked behind a pillow on the bed]

[-- 34 - Int. Mirror universe, Corridor outside recovery room ------22:00--]

[CREWMEMBER present]

[Close up: a CREWMEMBER knocks again on the door]

[-- 35 - Int. Mirror universe, Recovery room -----------------------22:02--]

[RIMMER has managed to slip under the blanket. The door slides open and

 RIMMER hastily grabs the microbe tube and stuffs it under the blanket]

[Enter MIRROR HOLLISTER]

[M.HOLLISTER is carrying a tray with a drink and clipboard on it, and smiles

 sycophantically]

M.HOLLISTER

  Can I come in, sir?

  I did knock, sir, perhaps you didn't hear?

  Here's your hot lemon, sir.

[RIMMER takes a sip, before handing the glass back and glancing at the

 insignias on M.HOLLISTER's shirt]

RIMMER

  Thank you, erm... Private... nobody.

M.HOLLISTER

  Oh, er, a few directives to sign, sir.

RIMMER

  Of course, laddie.

[RIMMER takes the clipboard and turns to the second page, then scowls]

RIMMER

  A free pardon, exonerating you from all crimes?

[RIMMER tears out the false directive and throws it away. M.HOLLISTER exhales

 loudly]

M.HOLLISTER

  Oohhh, I don't know how that got in there, sir, I, er... I...

RIMMER

  Want to be an officer, don't you, laddie?

M.HOLLISTER

  Oh, sir, could I? One day, could I be?

RIMMER

  No, I don't think you could.

[RIMMER takes a pen and tries to sign a directive, but his arm refuses to control the pen properly]

RIMMER

  Of course, it's a mirror universe, everything's opposite...

[RIMMER puts the pen in his left hand and signs the directive. Suddenly, a

thought occurs to him and he grins excitedly. Lifting the blanket, he

glances downwards, stares intently for a few moments and swallows]

RIMMER

  My God... this is gonna take some getting used to...

[Enter MIRROR TALIA]

M.TALIA

  They said it was okay to drop by...

  You look wonderful...

RIMMER

  So do you...

  [To M.HOLLISTER:] That'll be all, shambles.

M.HOLLISTER

  Yes, sir.

M.TALIA

  You made Captain -

[Exit MIRROR HOLLISTER]

M.TALIA

  You've done so well. Your own ship... wow! I've got goosebumps.

RIMMER

  So have I!

M.TALIA

  Let me kiss you.

[As M.TALIA leans forward, RIMMER grabs her eagerly and presses her lips to

 his in a passionate kiss. Immediately, though, the woman tries to squirm

 away, making muffled protests. RIMMER realises the problem and releases

 her]

M.TALIA

  What are you doing!?

RIMMER

  I'm giving you a big, wet snog, with oodles of Tommy-tongue!

M.TALIA

  But I'm your sister!

[Shock paints RIMMER's face, and he sits bolt upright in the bed]

RIMMER

  Yes, of course, but I was really pleased to see you. I, erm...

M.TALIA

  You French-kissed me!

RIMMER

  No, it was nearer Antwerp. I Belgium-kissed you. I - I - I... urrrgghh...

I've been really ill... You're the Captain's sister?

[RIMMER begins to hyperventilate, then passes out. Seconds later, he lets

out an abrupt groan and sits up again]

RIMMER

  Oh, my god, what a terrible dream!

  Oh, hi, sis! It's me, Arnie, your bro! Get your big ol' lumpy bum down

here and give'us a big hug!

[RIMMER reaches out, catching M.TALIA's nose between his fingers playfully

 and shaking her head, but she pulls her nose free and backs away, appalled]

M.TALIA

  Captain Rimmer! I am Sister Talia Garrett; your personal spiritual

advisor!

[M.TALIA lets out a strained whimper and flees]

[Exit M.TALIA]

RIMMER

  Sis! Sister... whoever you are!

  Oh, smeg!

[-- 36 - Int. Mirror universe, Science office ----------------------24:50--]

[MIRROR KOCHANSKI present]

[M.KOCHANSKI sits at a desk engrossed in a magazine. In this mirror

 universe, she has tumbling blonde curls, and is wearing a pink satin

 blouse]

[Enter RIMMER]

RIMMER

  Excuse me?

M.KOCHANSKI

  Yes?

[M.KOCHANSKI speaks in a nasal voice, and doesn't look up from her magazine]

RIMMER

  I wonder, could you tell me what this is?

[M.KOCHANSKI frowns at the tube RIMMER holds up]

M.KOCHANSKI

  You'll have to ask the professor, then. He does all that stupid, sciencey

brain-box type stuff.

[A door, marked 'HAZARD AREA' mirrored backwards, swings open]

[Enter MIRROR CAT]

[The MIRROR CAT is wearing a tweed suit, bow tie and glasses, and wears his

 hair in a short afro cut]

M.CAT

  Somebody call?

RIMMER

  Professor!?

M.CAT

  Yes, Captain?

RIMMER

  Perhaps you could help me. What's this?

[RIMMER hands him the test tube, which M.CAT sniffs]

M.CAT

  Hmm.

[M.CAT glances at the tube under a microscope, then holds it up once more

and frowns at the contents]

M.CAT

  Hmmm, its an alkali.

RIMMER

  Oh yes? What's it called?

M.CAT

  Soliciumfrankolithicmixyalebidiumrixydixydoxydexydroxide.

  You look surprised.

RIMMER

  I never thought I'd ever hear you say that. Can you write it down for me?

M.CAT

  Certainly.

[To M.KOCHANSKI:] Can I have an extremely *long* piece of paper, my dear?

[-- 37 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------25:36--]

[The mirror universe machine has apparently been fixed. It sends its beam

through the mirror once more, and is working well enough to allow RIMMER's

leg to pass through the glass, quickly followed by the rest of him]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER is holding the piece of paper with the formula, but appears to have

 left his test tube behind. As he enters the room fully, the beam of light

 from KRYTEN's machine fades away and disappears]

RIMMER

  The antidote; I did it!

[RIMMER quickly realises that the room is empty. More worryingly, red

warning lights pulse over the metal walls of the corridor outside.

[-- 38 - Int. Corridor outside recovery room -----------------------25:44--]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER rushes out into the corridor, as blasts of steam gush from

 ruptured pipes and flakes of burnt polycarbons flutter in the air. The ship

 trembles alarmingly, and the sound of twisting metal can be heard all

 around. RIMMER pauses by the troublesome food DISPENSER and looks around in

 panic]

RIMMER

  Wha - Where is everyone?

DISPENSER

  They've repaired the machine and crossed into the mirror universe. You're

the highest ranked crewmember left on the ship, so I *suppose* that makes

you Captain - congratulations, Cap.

RIMMER

  Smeg off!

[-- 39 - Int. Recovery room ----------------------------------------26:05--]

[Enter RIMMER]

[RIMMER dashes back into the recovery room but realises that the device is

 off and the doorway to the mirror universe is closed. He glances at t

Toy Soldiers

Day.

The control consoles all read "autopilot." 

LISTER is at the table, eating a curry, turning one of RIMMER's toy soldiers over in his other hand.

RIMMER: 

Look, please, honestly. 

They're priceless.

LISTER: 

I'm just having a goosie.

RIMMER: 

Look, if you get curry all over them, 

how's that going to look?

 What's Lieutenant-General 

Baron Jaquinaux of the 

First Cavalry Division

 supposed to be doing 

with goat vindaloo 

all over his tunic?

LISTER: 

It'll make him look more authentic. 

People'll think he's got

 Dysentry.

LISTER puts them back in the trunk.

LISTER 

You're obsessed with War, aren't ya? You collect Toy Soldiers,

play war games, 

read all those stupid combat mags. 

And half your books are on 

Patton and Caesar 

and various other gits.

RIMMER: 

It's about Leadership. 

That's What I Admire -- 

The Ability to Command, 

to out-think a worthy opponent 

on the field of battle.

LISTER: 

It's so ironic, when deep down 

you're such a 

basic, natural coward.

RIMMER: 

Coward?

LISTER: 

Planet leave, Miranda? 

That space bar, The Hacienda? 

When that fight started up? 

You were out of that door quicker than a whippet with a bumful of dynamite!

RIMMER: 

That was a bar-room brawl! 

A common pub fight. 

A shambolic set-to.

LISTER: 

Which you started!

RIMMER: 

I just made an innocuous comment, 

I merely voiced The Rumour 

that MacWilliams was 

sexually inclined towards 

sleeping with The Dead. 

I didn't start the rumour, 

I merely voiced it.

LISTER: 

To His Face —

Right to His Face —

When he was there 

with his four biggest mates. 

And then you did your Roadrunner act, 

and left me to face the music.

RIMMER: 

I could have gotten hurt!

LISTER: 

You'd have made a brilliant general, would't you?

RIMMER: 

Generals don't smash chairs over people's heads. They don't

 smash Newcastle Brown bottles into your face and say "Stitch that,

 Jimmy." They're in the nice white tent, on the top of the hill, sipping

 Sancerre and directing the battle. They're Men of Honour.

LISTER: I don't believe it! You make war sound romantic.

RIMMER: 

I'll tell you something. 

Something I've never told anyone. When I was fifteen, I went to Macedonia on a school trip, to 

The Site of Alexander The Great's Palace. 

And for the first time in my whole life, I felt ... 

I felt I was Home. 

This place was where I belonged. 

Years later, I got friendly with a hypnotherapist, Donald -- 

and told him about the Alexander The Great thing, 

and he said that he'd regress me back through my past lives. 

I was dubious —

but I let him put me under.

 It turned out, my instincts were absolutely correct -- I had lived a

 past life in Macedonia. 

That palace was my home. 

Because, believe it or not, Lister, 

he told me, that in a past incarnation, 

I was, Alexander The Great's 

Chief Eunuch.

LISTER: 

Do you know something? 

— I believe ye.

RIMMER: 

He didn't say that I was Alexander himself, 

which is obviously what I wanted to hear. 

But it explained everything: 

I'd lived a previous life alongside one of the greatest generals in history. No wonder the military's in my blood.

LISTER: No wonder you're such a good singer.

RIMMER: Well, maybe it's rot, I don't know. But it's funny -- to this

 day, I can't look at a pair of nutcrackers without wincing. And why is

 it, whenever I'm with a large group of women, I have this overwhelming

 urge to bathe them in warm olive oil?

LISTER: I have that urge, Rimmer. It's got nothing to do with past

 lives.

RIMMER: Well, why is it, then?

LISTER steps up into the cockpit. Stars glint through the front-view

window behind him.

LISTER: It's because you're unhappy with your own weasly, humdrum

 existance. You're looking for something with a bit more ... I don't

 know ... glamour.

Behind him we see a flaming meteor hurtling towards them. RIMMER's eyes

widen slightly as panic robs him of the power of speech.

LISTER: Now is what counts -- you've got to live life today. Who knows

 what's going to happen tomorrow? Who knows what's going to happen in

 the next five minutes? That's what makes life so exciting.

The meteor smashes into them.

7 Model shot.

Meteor collides with Starbug, sending it spinning into the atmosphere of

the moon below.

8 Model shot.

Starbug overheating as it plummets through cloud.

9 Model Shot.

Starbug crash-lands on snowy landscape and screams to a halt.

LISTER: (VO) 

You see what I mean?

And Then, The President was Dead.

This is Your President. 

On behalf of my country, and in the name of the other leaders of the world, with whom I have today consulted, 

I hereby abdicate all authority and control over this planet...

to General Zod.

Clark Kent: 

Zod!

Only by strict compliance with all his directions will the lives of innocent millions be spared. 

[desperately] 

Superman! Can you hear me? 

Superman! Where—?

(The camera pans to Zod as he grabs a microphone)

General Zod: 

Who is this "Superman"?!

President: 

You'll find out, General, and when you do —

General Zod: 

Come to me, Superman! 

If you dare..!!

I defy you! Come! 

Come and kneel before Zod! 

Zod!!!

“ Flash stories were the work of well-adjusted grown-ups who really understood children. 

In contrast to the titanic but all too often cruel and cloying sensuality of the Superman and Batman tales, the female leads in Schwartz books brought a brisk self-assurance to the proceedings. 

In the graceful hands of Infantino or Kane, women like Iris Allen, Sue Dibny, and Jean Loring were styled in the finest New Look Paris modes. Their hair was cut to keep up with the latest trends. 

This was partly a result of fallout from the code, which insisted that female characters be realistically proportioned and modestly attired, but it helped turn the Schwartz heroines into hip and pretty exemplars of the Jackie Kennedy style. 

Out of costume, their men wore slacks, blazers, and trilby hats or sported short-back-and-sides establishment haircuts. An aesthetic that would one day be called metrosexual was born here in full bloom. 

They all hung out together, these settled young couples with good jobs, positive can-do attitudes, and crime-fighting double lives they still kept secret from their loved ones. 

Schwartz was also establishing a shared universe. Flash was friends with Green Lantern, Hal Jordan. 

He was also friends with Ivy League physics professor Ray Palmer, aka the Atom, and his lawyer girlfriend, Jean Loring. 

He also hung out with the Elongated Man (the Stretchable Sleuth) Ralph Dibny and his wife, Sue. 

They didn’t meet to fight one another as the later Marvel heroes would do. 

They didn’t overemote. 

They enjoyed picnics, which were routinely disrupted by oddly small-scale, almost polite, alien invasions—the kind easily repelled by the deployment of some quirky science fact that rendered the invaders vulnerable to common table salt or H2O. 

Their sexuality was never dubious or in doubt. Relaxed, cosmopolitan, they represented the epitome of our Kennedy Man, our postwar Madison Avenue pioneer astronaut American role model.

Hopeful in the clear light of 

The Morning of The Sun King. 

Poignant in their certainty. 

And then, 

The President was Dead. 

The golden walls of Camelot collapsed, flimsy as any stage set, to reveal the bloody screaming mires of Vietnam beyond, where two million potential astronauts, artists, poets, musicians, and scientists were being lined up to die in the sacrifice of an American generation.”

RIMMER :

Where are we?

KRYTEN :

It says 1966, I must have prodded us forward three years.

RIMMER :

At least it'll give us time to analyse the original error.

crosses to the window and looks out>

CAT :

Hey, there's nobody here, the entire city's deserted...

[-- 17 - OB. Day. A deserted, abandoned street ----------------------------]

[ALL present. They are walking slowly along a wide, pleasant street which is completely devoid of any signs of life. Abandoned vehicles line the side of the road, and a breeze blows old litter around. In the back of one of the cars is an discarded newspaper - it's headline reads: 

"Millions flee from American cities". 

It's like a scene from The Stand]

LISTER :

I don't understand it, all we did is save Kennedy's life.

CAT :

Is that bad? What kind of a dude was he?

RIMMER :

He was a fine man.

[-- 18 - OB. Day. A deserted, abandoned street ----------------------------]

[Scene cuts to a street further on in the city. All is the same as in the previous street, with one exception: 

the dead body of a man lies undisturbed on the pavement]

[ALL enter, CAT : leading]

CAT :

Look!

LISTER :

Can you get anything for us from his scent?

CAT :

Male.

Mid-thirties.

RIMMER :

It looks like he was trampled to death in some kind of stampede.

Kryten  sees a newspaper sticking out of the man's suit. He picks it up and begins to scan it

KRYTEN :

Just processing.

I'll re-route the results through my chest monitor:

[As the others gather around, POV switches to a close up of Kryten's monitor]

KRYTEN : [VO]

"President Kennedy was impeached in 1964 for sharing a mistress with Mafia boss, Sam Giancana. 

It was the biggest scandal in American history.

Kennedy was sentenced to three years 

in an open prison in July, '65.

J. Edgar Hoover became President; 

He was forced to run by The Mob,

who had pictures of him 

at a transvestite orgy."

LISTER :

So America had a president controlled by The Mafia?

KRYTEN : 

[partial VO]

"Soon after The Election, 

The USSR were allowed to install 

a nuclear base in Cuba 

in return for Mafia cocaine trafficking 

between Cuba and the States. 

With a Soviet nuclear base 90 miles 

from the US mainland, people

fled from all the major cities."

CAT :

So am I right in thinking I could get 

a major nuclear explosion all over this suit? 

Cos I'm telling you guys, 

that stuff does not dry clean!

RIMMER :

Back to Starbug.

KRYTEN :

Starbug isn't There. 

It Doesn't Exist.

CAT :

What?

RIMMER :

How come?

KRYTEN :

Er, best guess: Kennedy's impeachment in '64 traumatised the American nation, 

allowing The USSR to win The Space Race. 

In this reality, it was probably 

The Russians who were the first 

to land on The Moon.

CAT :

So we're marooned.

LISTER :

How was I supposed to know that 

a chicken vindaloo 

was going to cause all this.

CAT :

But you guys said Kennedy was a great pres!

KRYTEN :

He was!

RIMMER :

He was also an inveterate womaniser; 

his affairs were legendary. 

They never came out when he was alive.

KRYTEN :

Every man has his weak spot - 

his 'Achilles Heel'.

RIMMER :

Kennedy's was just, higher up.

LISTER :

If I'd known this was gonna happen, I'd have had an egg sarnie, and

finished the Cinzano.

Kryten, what've I done, man?

KRYTEN :

Well, you've brought the 20th century to the very brink of extinction,

sir. Gum?

LISTER :

What is wrong with you? Where is your compassion? You've got about as much

warmth as a service station chip! That's right, you've no behaviour

protocols, have you.

RIMMER :

Any you thought causality didn't matter? Every action we take, has

trillions of implications, how come you forgot that?

KRYTEN :

Well, I didn't forget, sir, I just didn't *care*. I've got no guilt.

LISTER :

Ah. I nicked Kryten's body. That's spare head 2; I removed his guilt

chip.

RIMMER :

You, have altered the entire course of Civilisation from the 20th century onwards, 

you've brought The World 

to the brink of nuclear war, and worst of all --

LISTER :

I know, I know; I still haven't had a curry.

KRYTEN :

No, worst of all, the Time Drive has frozen.

RIMMER :

Let me see --

Do you think its because the sub-space conduits have locked with the transponder calibrations and caused a major tachyon surge that has

overloaded the time matrix?

KRYTEN :

Ah, no, sir; I've just been jabbing it too hard.

CAT :

So what now?

RIMMER :

We need to have time to figure out how to unfreeze it. I suggest we, set up camp here for the night and perhaps Kryten can go and look for

some food?

KRYTEN :

I'm on my way, sir!

[Exit KRYTEN :]

[-- 19 - OB. Night. Aroun--------------]

[LISTER :, KRYTEN :, RIMMER : and CAT : present, sitting around a large open fire.

RIMMER : is fiddling with the Time Drive while LISTER : and CAT :, having ditched

their spacesuits, tuck into hefty chunks of meat]

RIMMER :

It's hopeless, I can't fix it. We're trapped...

CAT :

Chicken's good.

LISTER :

Yeah, really good.

KRYTEN :

That's not chicken, sir.

CAT :

Oh, what is it?

KRYTEN :

It's that man we found.

poison...>

Well, it seemed such a waste to leave him lying there when he'd barbecue

so beautifully.

RIMMER :

KRYTEN :

Did I do wrong? I didn't get any error commands...

Obviously I thought about it, because without my guilt chip or moral

imperatives, I have nothing to guide me. But it seemed to me that if

humanoids eat chicken then obviously they'd eat their own species; otherwise

they'd just be picking on the chicken.

RIMMER :

One minute you're down, the next you're right back up again.

LISTER :

I said I was enjoying that!

CAT :

I knew it didn't smell right! Oh my god...

LISTER :

I'm a cannibal!

fire. It's obviously 'thawed out'>

RIMMER :

Look!

CAT :

Right, lets get out of here! I badly need to floss a piece of roasted

dead person out of my teeth!

RIMMER :

Where to?

KRYTEN :

Hawaii. Let's catch some surf!

LISTER :

No, no, we've got to go back; stop ourselves from interfering with the

assassination.

CAT :

I don't care where we go, just as long as it's before we had dinner!

[-- 20 - Fifth-floor storeroom inside the Texas Book Depository -----------]

[ALL present, sat together around a box of books playing poker. Tense music

plays, and a clock on the wall shows the time as 1:27pm.]

[Enter OSWALD]

head with one hand. Oswald, upon spotting the Dwarfers, uses the long case

he carries on his shoulder to awkwardly cover his face>

CAT :

Decorators. Try up on the sixth floor.

[Exit OSWALD]

KRYTEN :

Stand back, sir, our original selves are about to beam in. When they

realise their mistake they'll beam out again. I propose *we* go down to the

fourth.

[-- 21 - Fourth-floor storeroom inside the Texas Book Depository ----------]

[ALL enter. A room very similar to that up on the fifth.]

LISTER :

First shot!

<...a second and third shot rings out. Again, there is noise and commotion

from the street below>

[Cut POV to outside of building, looking at the Dwarfers at the window]

CAT :

It doesn't smell right, I think he's missed!

RIMMER :

How come?

KRYTEN :

He's right, sir. By sending Oswald up to the sixth, we've made the

trajectory of his shot so steep he's only wounded him.

RIMMER :

Let's start again, and bring him back down to the fifth.

LISTER :

We can't use the fifth: our original selves are destined to beam in there

as he fires his third shot, and this version of us are now on the fourth.

CAT :

We've been copied more times than that poster of the tennis girl

scratching her butt.

LISTER :

If we could arrange, somehow, for a second gunman to fire from just behind

that little hill over there covered in lawn...

KRYTEN :

You mean the, er, the grassy knoll, sir?

LISTER :

That'd solve it, wouldn't it?

CAT :

Shoot the pres?? Who?

RIMMER :

You can count me out.

CAT :

And me.

[Cut to inside of room]

LISTER :

Hang on... maybe, just maybe there's someone who can get us out of this

mess.

RIMMER :

Where are we going?

LISTER :

Idlewild airport, July, '65...

[-- 22 - OB. Day - A runway at Idlewild airport ---------------------------]

into the back of a prison truck. As police lock up tyhe truck, the

Dwarfers beam in, nearby the stationary aircraft.>

[ALL present]

LISTER :

This is right. He's being escorted to Hoover open prison in New York.

Give me *five minutes*.

[-- 23 - Int. JFK's prison truck ------------------------------------------]

[JFK present]

[Enter LISTER :, beamed in by the Time Drive to the bench seat opposite JFK]

LISTER :

Don't be alarmed, sir, but I have a very strange tale to tell.

[FADE. Time passes. Picture returns as Kennedy is speaking]

JOHN F. KENNEDY

I, ah, have had plenty of time to reflect on my deeds in the Whitehouse.

In all important respects I believe I did a good job. 

It was right to plan a pull out of Vietnam, 

to fight for civil rights, and, ah, 

to fight congress, ah, to put a man on the moon. 

It was, ah, wrong however, to, ah,

act like an irresponsible jackass with all those women, and allow my enemies

to wreak havoc on Our Nation.

LISTER :

But I can help, man. 

I mean, Mr. President, man. 

I mean, sir.

KENNEDY

How, ah, can you help?

LISTER :

Well, come with us back to Dallas, 

November 1963, be a second gunman. 

The gunman behind the grassy knoll.

KENNEDY

You mean, assassinate myself?

LISTER :

Yeah! It'll drive the conspiracy nuts crazy, 

but they'll never figure itout.

KENNEDY

But I, ah, still have a future here. 

Jackie left me, but, ah, when I get out 

I can, ah, still make a contribution to The World.

LISTER :

See this airport, Idlewild airport? 

In Our Reality, they renamed it 'JFK', after you. 

Where I come from, 

You're A Liberal Icon, 

and That's The Person You Should Be. 

But if you're gonna be That Person --

You're gonna have to

Sacrifice Your Life.

KENNEDY :

And only then will my reputation 

be restored in history?

LISTER :

Mm. And I can get a smeggin' curry.

KENNEDY

Ask not what your country can do for you... 

ask what you can do for your country.

LISTER :

Hey, that'd make a pretty neat speech, that.

KENNEDY

It did. Heh heh.

[-- 24 - OB. Day. Behind the grassy knoll in Dallas, 1963 -----------------]

All present. JFK present, he and KRYTEN : dressed in policeman's uniforms hands him what looks like an M-16 rifle, and nods towards the street meaningfully

[MONTAGE.] 

We see the parade roll through the main street once again; Oswald lining up his shot from the sixth floor of the Texas Book Depository and JFK tracking his own vehicle as it moves slowly down the road. 

Oswald fires his first two shots, wounding the president as before. 

This time, however, Kennedy himself takes aim from the grassy knoll - firing his shot moments after Oswald's third, and leaving what would turn out to be a nasty mess on Jackie O's suit...

Kennedy lowers the gun and turns away, 

clearly disturbed, but unreadable beyond that

KENNEDY

I, ah, thank you all for giving me 

the opportunity to, ah, be reborn.

After a short time, he fades from reality. 

The Dwarfers turn away, leaning against 

The White Picket Fence on The Grassy Knoll

LISTER :

Smeg! I forgot to ask 

if there are any curry houses in Dallas!

his head and KRYTEN : nods; after all, there's only so much you can take of

one person... CAT : turns and walks behind LISTER :, whistling innocently.

As RIMMER turns to follow him, he suddenly grabs LISTER and pulls him to the ground - the three of them quickly laying into the curry-deprived one with everything they've got. The nightstick that Kryten carries come in particularly useful...>