Oh, and Out They Come : The BrainySpeXs

Time Crash: Children in Need Special - Doctor Who | BBC

The Tenth Doctor and the Fifth Doctor meet for the first time in this special scene for Children in Need.

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Doctor Who | Children in Need Special | BBC

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[TARDIS]

MARTHA: 

I'll see you again, Mister. 

(Martha leaves. The Doctor pulls a lever on the console. Alarms blare and the TARDIS spins. There are briefly Two Doctors.) 

Perfect-10 : 

Ah, stop it! What was all that about, eh? 

Eh? What's your problem? 

The Chorister : 

Right, just settle down now. 

(They bump into each other as they work their ways around the console.) 

The Chorister : 

So sorry. 

Perfect-10 : 

What? 

The Chorister : 

What? 

Perfect-10 : 

What! 

The Chorister : 

Who are you?

Perfect-10 : 

Oh, brilliant. I mean, totally wrong. 

Big Emergency, Universe goes 'BANG!' in five minutes, 

but, brilliant.

 

The Chorister : 

I'm The Doctor. Who are you? 

Perfect-10 : 

Yes, you are. 

You are The Doctor. 

The Chorister : 

Yes, I am. I'm The Doctor. 

Perfect-10 : 

Oh, good for you, Doctor. 

Good for brilliant old you. 

The Chorister : 

Is there something wrong with you? 

Perfect-10 : 

Oh, there it goes -- The Frowny Face!

I remember that one!

Mind you, bit saggier than I ought to be. 

Hair's a bit greyer. That's because of me, though. 

The two of us together has shorted out the time differential. 

Should all snap back in place when we get you Home. 

....be able to close That Coat again. 

But never mind that : 

Look at You! 

The Coat, The Crickety Cricket Stuff, The.... Stick of Celery. 

Yeah. Brave choice, celery, but Fair Play to you --

Not a lot of Men can carry off a Decorative Vegetable. 

The Chorister : 

Shut up! 

There is something very wrong with My TARDIS, 

and I've got to do something about it very, very quickly --

And it would help, 

it really would help if there wasn't 

Some Skinny Idiot 

ranting in my face 

about every single thing 

That Happens to Be in Front of Him! 

Perfect-10 : 

Oh. Okay. Sorry. Doctor. 

The Chorister : 

Thank You. 

Perfect-10 : 

Oh, The Back of My Head...!

(Someone is growing a bald patch, or tonsure au natural.) 

The Chorister : 

What? 

Perfect-10 : 

Sorry, sorry. It's not something you see every day, is it, 

The Back of Your Own Head.

 

Mind you, I can see why you wear a hat --

I don't want to seem vain, but could you keep that on? 

The Chorister : 

What have you done to My TARDIS? 

You've changed The Desktop Theme, haven't you. 

What's this one, Coral? 

Perfect-10 : 

Well....

The Chorister : 

It's worse than The Leopard Skin. 

(The Fifth Doctor puts on his half moon spectacles.) 

Perfect-10 : 

Oh, and out They come : The BrainySpeXs. 

You don't even need them!

You just think they make you look A Bit Clever. 

(An alarm whoops.) 

The Chorister : 

That's an alert, level five, indicating a temporal collision. 

It like two TARDISes have merged, 

but there's definitely only one TARDIS present. 

It's like two time zones at war in The Heart of The TARDIS. 

That's a paradox that could blow a hole in the space time continuum the size of -- 

Well, actually, the exact size of : Belgium. 

That's a bit undramatic, isn't it? Belgium? 

(The Doctor offers his sonic screwdriver.) 

Perfect-10 : 

Need this? 

The Chorister : 

No, I'm fine. 

Perfect-10 : 

Oh no, of course, you liked to go hands free, didn't you, like :

'Hey, I'm The Doctor -- I can Save The Universe 

using A Kettle and Some String. 

And 'Look at me, I'm wearing a vegetable!' 

The Chorister : 

Who are you? 

Perfect-10 : 

Take a Look --

The Chorister : 

Oh. Oh, No. 

Perfect-10 : 

Oh, Yes. 

The Chorister : 

You're. Oh, No.

 

Perfect-10 : 

Here it comes -- Yeah, I am. 

The Chorister : 

A Fan! 

Perfect-10 : 

Yeah. ....What?! 

The Chorister : 

This is Bad -- Two Minutes to Belgium. 

Perfect-10 : 

What do you mean, 'A Fan'? 

I'm not just A Fan, I'm You. 

The Chorister : 

Okay, you're My Biggest Fan. 

Look, its perfectly understandable --

I go zooming around Space and Time, 

Saving Planets, Fighting Monsters 

and Being, well, let's be honest, Pretty sort of Marvellous, 

so naturally now and then people notice me --

Start up their little groups. 

That L.I.N.D.A lot -- Are you One of Them? 

How did you get in here? 

Can't have You Lot knowing where I live. 

Perfect-10 : 

Listen to me. I'm you, I'm you. 

I'm You with A New Face --

Check out This Bone Structure, Doctor, because 

one day you're going to be shaving it. 

(The cloister bell tolls.) 

The Chorister : 

The Cloister Bell! 

Perfect-10 :

 Right on time. That's my cue. 

(They both start throwing control levers.) 

The Chorister : 

In a minute we're going to create a black hole 

strong enough to swallow the entire universe! 

Perfect-10 : 

Yeah, that's my fault, actually. 

I was rebuilding the TARDIS, forgot to put the shields back up. 

Your TARDIS and my TARDIS, well the same TARDIS 

at different points in its own timestream collided and whoo -- 

There you go, End of The Universe, butterfingers. 

But don't worry, 

I know exactly how This all works out -- Watch :

Venting the thermobuffer, drawing the Helmic regulator, 

and just to finish off, let's fry those Zeiton crystals. 

The Chorister : You'll blow up the TARDIS. 

Perfect-10 : No, I won't. I haven't. 

The Chorister : Who told you that? 

Perfect-10 : You told me that. 

(Whiteout, then) 

The Chorister : Supernova and black hole at the exact same instant. 

Perfect-10 : The explosion cancels out the implosion. 

The Chorister : 

Pressure remains constant. 

Perfect-10 : 

It's brilliant. 

The Chorister : 

Far too brilliant. 

I've never met anyone else who could fly the TARDIS like that. 

Perfect-10 : Sorry, mate, you still haven't. 

The Chorister : You didn't have time to work all that out. Even I couldn't do it. 

Perfect-10 : I didn't work it out. I didn't have to. 

The Chorister : You remembered. 

Perfect-10 : Because you will remember. 

The Chorister : You remembered being me watching you doing that. You already knew what to do because I saw you do it. 

Perfect-10 : 

Wibbly wobbly 

BOTH: 

Timey wimey! 

Perfect-10 : 

Right, TARDISes are separating. 

Sorry, Doctor, time's up. 

Back to Long Ago. 

Where are you now? Nyssa and Tegan? 

Cybermen and Mara and Time Lords in funny hats 

and The Master? 

Oh, he just showed up again, same as ever. 

The Chorister : 

Oh no, really? 

Does he still have That Rubbish Beard? 

Perfect-10 : 

No, no Beard this time -- 

Well, A Wife. 

The Chorister : 

Oh, I seem to be off. 

What can I say? 

Thank You, Doctor. 

Perfect-10 : 

Thank You. 

The Chorister : 

I'm very welcome. 

(The Fifth Doctor vanishes. The Tenth flips some switches and brings him back to return his hat.) 

Perfect-10 : 

You know, I Loved Being You. 

Back when I first started at The Very Beginning, 

I was always trying to be old and grumpy and important, 

like you do when you're young --

And then I was you, and it was all 

dashing about and playing cricket 

and My Voice going all squeaky when I shouted --

I still do that! - The Voice Thing. 

I got that from you. 

Oh, and The Trainers, and -

(He puts his spectacles on.) 

Perfect-10 : 

Snap. Because you know what, Doctor? 

You were My Doctor. 

The Chorister : 

To Days to Come. 

Perfect-10 : 

All My Love to Long Ago. 

(The Fifth Doctor vanishes.) 

The Chorister : 

Oh, and Doctor -- 

Remember to put Your Shields up. 

(But just as he presses the button, there is the sound of a ships horn and a prow comes crashing into the console room.) 

Perfect-10 : 

What? What! 

(He picks up a life belt. It says 'Titanic'.) 

Perfect-10 : 

What?!?

Perfect-10 (The Life so Nice, I Lived it Twice)

DOCTOR: 

Ha! Everyone gets stuck somewhere eventually, Clara. 

Everything ends.

CLARA: 

Except you.

DOCTOR: 

Have you been paying attention? 

I'm an old man now.

CLARA: 

But you don't die. You change. 

You pop right back up with a new face.

DOCTOR: 

No, not for ever. 

I can change twelve times. Thirteen versions of me. 

Thirteen silly Doctors.

CLARA: 

Okay, so you're number eleven, so

DOCTOR: 

Ha. Are we forgetting Captain Grumpy, eh? 

I didn't call myself the Doctor during the Time War, but it was still a regeneration.

CLARA: 

Okay, so you're number twelve.

DOCTOR: 

Well, Number Ten once regenerated and kept the same face. 

I had vanity issues at the time. 

Twelve regenerations, Clara. 

I can't ever do it again. 

This is where I end up. 

This face, this version of me. 

We saw this planet in the future, remember? 

All those graves, one of them mine.

The Fall and Rise of Douglas Noel Adams

"This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movement of small green pieces of paper, which was odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy...."












I: Have you found any prophecies which would be prophetic to us at this point?

RAW: 

Let’s see, the major theme of FW is 

The Fall and The Rise.  

On the first page you’ve got 

The Wall Street stock market crashing 

and 

The Fall of The Roman Empire 

and 

Adam and Eve falling because of the forbidden fruit, 

and 

Humpty Dumpty falling off The Wall, 

and 

Tim Finnegan falling off The Wall, 

and

 The old Irish drinking song from which the book takes its title, 

and 

The Dreamer falling asleep to The Collective Unconscious of The Species, 

and below that into 

The Non-Local consciousness of The Entire Cosmos.

And all this falling is followed by a rising at the end in which The River turns into air molecules.  

The River turns, becomes one with The Sea, and the Irish Sea, and the Irish Sea becomes air molecules which become clouds which float over the Wicklow Hills, and they come down as rain, and you’re back at the beginning of the book where this rain is The River Liffey forming in the hills to flow from Dublin and go out to The Sea.  

So you’ve got this cyclical rise-and-fall.  

And I find more and more that the symbolism of the thing suggests 

The Fall of The DNA to This Planet

which is Fred Hoyle’s cosmological theory, that DNA didn’t happen by accident, it was propagated throughout the galaxy by higher intelligences.  

You’ve got The DNA falling on this planet, and FW has all these metamorphoses, you’ve got the four stages of the insect: 

The Egg, The Chrysalis, The Larva, The Adult

I’ve got them slightly out of order I think; I’m not an entomologist.  

And then you’ve got The Lords of The Four Quarters: 

Matt Gregory, Marcus Lyons, Luke Tar-pey, and Johnny MacDougal

 which are 

Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John

plus the bed that I lie on, 

an old children’s prayer, but it’s also 

The Four Chambers of The Human Heart, 

the four kings of the tarot deck, 

the four provinces of Ireland, 

but it’s this basic four part cycle there which Joyce calls 

their weatherings and their marryings 

and their buryings and their natural selection, 

which refers to all these insect and mammalian patterns, the parallels that Joyce keeps drawing.  

He manages to combine the evolution of plants, insects, and mammals into this structure, and it’s all part of - the deepest part of the collective unconscious that Joyce is exploring in FW.  

And there’s this cycle of the DNA being spread through the galaxy, falling onto the Earth, going through these primitive stages of evolution, and then rising up from the Earth at the end to return to union with the rest of the galaxy.  

I think Joyce is prophesying The Space Age that we are now entering.

Perfect-10 : 

I'm going to die. 

WILF:

Well, so am I, one day. 

Perfect-10 : 

Don't You Dare. 

WILF: 

All right, I'll try not to. 

Perfect-10 : 

But I was told. 

'He Will Knock Four Times.' 

That was The Prophecy. 

Knock four times, and then —

WILF: 

Yeah, but I thought, when I saw you before, 

you said your people could change, like, your whole body. 

Perfect-10 : 

I can still Die. 

If I'm killed before regeneration, then I'm Dead. 

Even then, even if I change, it feels like dying. 

Everything I am Dies. 

Some New Man goes sauntering away, and I'm Dead.

Out of The Blue (And Into The Black)

You're the first one, yeah? 

Like, The Original Version of The Doctor.

Old Grandfather : 

 My dear, you should get back to the ship. 

This place isn't safe.

BILL: 
You're 

The One Who Stole The TARDIS and Ran Away.

Old Grandfather :  

 The Captain might be needing you.
 

BILL: 

Nah, the Captain's fine. 

Why did you do it?
 

Old Grandfather :  

Oh, I'm sure your Doctor has explained.
 

BILL: 

I'm not even sure he remembers.

Old Grandfather :  

 There were many pressing reasons.
 

BILL: 

I don't mean what you ran away from. 

What were you running to?
 

Old Grandfather :   

...that's rather a Good Question...!

BILL: 

Questions are kind of my thing. 

How are you with answers?

Old Grandfather

The Cosmic Hobo

The Established Dandy

 
Teeth+Curls
The Exception (That is The Rule)

The Chorister

 
The Motley Fool

Time’s Champion

Life’s Champion

 *

The Designated Survivor

Perfect-10
(The Life So Nice, I Lived it Twice)


The Chin

Attack Eyebrows  
Dr. Disco


Our Lady


Old Grandfather :   

There is Good and there is Evil. 
I left Gallifrey to answer a question of my own. 

By any analysis, Evil should always win. 

Good is not a practical survival strategy. 
It requires loyalty, self-sacrifice and er, love. 

So, why does Good prevail? 
What keeps the balance between good and evil in this appalling universe? 
Is there some kind of logic? 

Some mysterious force?


BILL: 
Perhaps there's just a bloke.

Old Grandfather :  A bloke?

BILL: 

Yeah. Perhaps there's just some bloke, 
wandering around, putting everything right when it goes wrong.

Old Grandfather :  

 Well, that would be a nice story, wouldn't it?
 

BILL: 

That would be The Best.

Old Grandfather :   

But the real world is not a fairy tale.
 

BILL: 

You dash around the universe trying to figure out what's holding it all together, and you really, really don't know?
 

Old Grandfather :   

You know me in The Future. 

Do I ever understand?

BILL: 

No. I really don't think you do. 

Everyone who's ever met you does. 

You're amazing, Doctor. 

(hugs him) 

Never forget that. 

Never, ever.

Old Grandfather :   

Well, that's very kind of you.









*

The Warrior

Jodie Won't Fail

" Each Life creates The Next - no wonder Time Lords and Buddhists get on so well. " 

- The Chorister

"The Old Man must die;

and The New Man Will Discover,

to his inexpressible joy,

that He has never existed...!"

- Buddhist/Time Lord Aphorism

K'Ampo Rimpoche

"This is above all Strangeness..."

" This Doctor keeps cropping up all over the place. 

Political diaries, conspiracy theories, even ghost stories. No first name, no last name, just The Doctor. 

Always The Doctor. 

And the title seems to have been passed down from Father to Son. 

It appears to be an inheritance.... "

- Clive Finch, 2005

Not-Shakespeare :

Perhaps it's time I wrote about Fathers and Sons, 
in memory of my boy, my precious Hamnet. 

MARTHA: 

Hamnet? 

Not-Shakespeare :

That's him. 

MARTHA: 

Hamnet? 

Not-Shakespeare :

What's wrong with that? 

Old Grandfather

The Cosmic Hobo

The Established Dandy

The Exception That is The Rule

The Chorister

The Colourful Jester

Time's Champion

Life's Champion

Intermezzo

"You were The Doctor on The Day it Was Impossible to Be The Doctor"

The Designated Survivor

Perfect-10

( The Life So Nice, I Lived it Twice )

The Chin

Dr. Disco - The Wait of The Whirled

(Davros is crying.)

Dr. Disco :
Okay, don't ever tell anyone that I did this...

(He waves his hand around until a golden glow forms.)

Dr. Disco :
A little bit of regeneration energy.

Probably cost me an arm or a leg somewhere down the line.

Or, I'll just be really little....

The Wait of The Whirled: 

Sontarans! Perverting the Course of Human History! 

I Don't Want to Go. 

When The Doctor, When The Doctor Was Me. 

When The Doctor Was Me. 

It's starting. 

I'm regenerating. 

No! No! No! No! No! No! 

(The Regeneration stops, and The TARDIS has materialised.) 

The Wait of The Whirled: 

Where have you taken me? 
If you're trying to make a point, I'm not listening. 

I Don't Want to Change Again. 

Never Again! 

I Can't Keep on Being Somebody Else. 

Wherever it is, I'm staying. 

( He runs outside and the Cloister Bell sounds. )

[Snowstorm]

The Wait of The Whirled: 

No! 

( He plunges his hands into the snow with a sizzle - )

( HE HEALS THE EARTH )

( The Regeneration stops again. ) 

The Wait of The Whirled: 

I Will Not Change. 

Old Grandfather: 

I Will Not Change.

I Will Not!

No, no, no, no. 

The Whole Thing's ridiculous. 

The Wait of The Whirled: 

Hello? Is someone there? 

Old Grandfather: 

Who is that? 

The Wait of The Whirled: 

I'm The Doctor. 

(The elderly figure in checked trousers, cape, scarf and astrakhan hat comes into view.) 

Old Grandfather : 

The Doctor...? 

Oh, I don't think so. 

No, dear me, no. 

Old Grandfather : 

You may be a doctor, 

but I am The Doctor. 

The Original, you might say!

The Woman.

"The Old Man must die * ;

and The Woman Will Discover,

to Her inexpressible joy,

that She has never existed...!

...and so She says :

'Oh, brilliant...!' indeed, matey!

" To Sherlock Holmes she is always The Woman. I have seldom heard him mention her under any other name. In his eyes she eclipses and predominates the whole of her sex. 

It was not that he felt any emotion akin to love for Irene Adler. All emotions, and that one particularly, were abhorrent to his cold, precise but admirably balanced mind. He was, I take it, the most perfect reasoning and observing machine that the world has seen, but as a lover he would have placed himself in a false position. He never spoke of the softer passions, save with a gibe and a sneer. They were admirable things for the observer—excellent for drawing the veil from men’s motives and actions. 

But for the trained reasoner to admit such intrusions into his own delicate and finely adjusted temperament was to introduce a distracting factor which might throw a doubt upon all his mental results. Grit in a sensitive instrument, or a crack in one of his own high-power lenses, would not be more disturbing than a strong emotion in a nature such as his. 

And yet there was but One Woman to him.

I had seen little of Holmes lately. My marriage had drifted us away from each other. My own complete happiness, and the home-centred interests which rise up around the man who first finds himself master of his own establishment, were sufficient to absorb all my attention, while Holmes, who loathed every form of society with his whole Bohemian soul, remained in our lodgings in Baker Street, buried among his old books, and alternating from week to week between cocaine and ambition...

*****

"What a Woman—oh, what a Woman!” cried the King of Bohemia, when we had all three read this epistle.

"Did I not tell you how quick and resolute she was? Would she not have made an admirable queen? Is it not a pity that she was not on my level?”

“From what I have seen of The Lady, she seems, indeed, to be on a very different level to your Majesty,” said Holmes coldly.

[ He ain't kidding... ]

“I am sorry that I have not been able to bring your Majesty’s business to a more successful conclusion.”

“On the contrary, my dear sir,” cried the King; “nothing could be more successful. I know that her word is inviolate. The photograph is now as safe as if it were in the fire.”

“I am glad to hear your Majesty say so.  [ Because I failed - She beat me.  And She knows that She did. And then didn't rub my nose in it by gloating over having humiliated and emasculated me (and The King) in front of my client and employer - who is The King. And a Fool. ]”

“I am immensely indebted to you. Pray tell me in what way I can reward you. This ring—” He slipped an emerald snake ring from his finger and held it out upon the palm of his hand.

[ What a Tool... ]

“Your Majesty has something which I should value even more highly,” said Holmes.

“You have but to name it.”

“This photograph!”

The King stared at him in amazement.

“Irene’s photograph!” he cried. “Certainly, if you wish it.”

“I thank your Majesty. Then there is no more to be done in the matter. I have the honour to wish you a very good morning.” He bowed, and, turning away without observing the hand which the King had stretched out to him, he set off in my company for his chambers. 

And that was how a great scandal threatened to affect the kingdom of Bohemia, and how the best plans of Mr. Sherlock Holmes were beaten by a woman’s wit. He used to make merry over the cleverness of women, but I have not heard him do it of late. And when he speaks of Irene Adler, or when he refers to her photograph, it is always under the honourable title of The Woman.

[ * Letting go, as He does so, to thelast  physical renmant of the mourning of The Memory of Prof. River Song ]

The Woman

Our Lady