Reality Control

Look man, You know the score.

Why do I know the score?

Because You're Me.  

We're shot from 

the same gun-barrel.  

Only difference is, 

one did breast-stroke, 

one did crawl.

Well, The Legend tells of a droid -- 

a rogue simulant, who survives 

till the end of Eternity; to the 

end of Time-Itself.

After millions of years alone, 

He finally reaches the conclusion 

that there is •no• God, 

•no• afterlife, and the only 

Purpose of Existence is to lead 

a worthwhile Life.  

And so the 'droid constructs a 

time machine, and roams Eternity, 

visiting every single soul in History, 

and assessing each one.  

He erases all those who have wasted their lives and replaces them with those who never had 

a CHANCE of Life -- the unfertilised eggs, 

the sperms that never made it.  

THAT is The Inquisitor -- 

He PRUNES away The Wastrels, 

EXPUNGES The Wretched, 

and DELETES The Worthless!

RIMMER: 

We're in Big Trouble.

A city inside a dome on some moon somewhere.

2 Int. A bedroom on Earth.

A middle-aged man is sleeping in a darkened bedroom. 

A tall, black-caped figure with a black and white mask 

similar to a skull appears in the doorway, backlit 

and with smoke curling around his ankles. 

He booms the next line out with, curiously, 

a slight Scottish accent.

INQUISITOR: 

Thomas Allman!

ALLMAN, a stout man with gray hair, 

scrabbles about on the nightstand looking for his glasses.

INQUISITOR: 

Thomas Allman, you have been found 

unworthy of having existed. 

ALLMAN: 

Is that you, mother? 

INQUISITOR: 

Your Life and all Memory of You 

will be wiped from History. 

The Void you occupied in the Space-Time continuum 

will be allocated to a person who was 

never given The Gift of Life. 

May they spend their time more wisely.

The INQUISITOR shoots an orange-red beam of light at ALLMAN from a glove-like device he wears, which forms an aura around ALLMAN.

ALLMAN: 

But, please! Why me? 

There must be others who've 

lived worthless lives! 

INQUISITOR: 

All will be judged.

In ALLMAN's picture of himself on his nightstand, his image is replaced with that of a thinner, taller dark-haired man with a mustache. The dark-haired man then appears in the room in a flash of yellow-green light.

INQUISITOR: 

It is complete. 

All that remains is to delete 

your physical form.

The INQUISITOR shoots another red-orange beam 

at ALLMAN, who sort of dissolves. 

He then turns to speak to the new ALLMAN.

INQUISITOR: 

Sorry to disturb you, sir. 

Reality Control.

The INQUISITOR salutes, 

turns, and vanishes. 

The Batman :

There's a difference between 

Me and You :

We both starred in The Abyss....

But when it looked back into Us --

You blinked.

A door opens and the SECOND KRYTEN 

and SECOND LISTER walk through.  

They are very similar to the first KRYTEN and LISTER, 

but the SECOND KRYTEN's head is more rounded, 

and his voice is a little higher pitched.  

The SECOND LISTER is dressed similarly, 

but he is slightly smaller and has a worse haircut.  

SECOND LISTER: 

Who the smeg are these guys, Rimmer?

LISTER: 

Never mind, "Who the smeg are these guys?" 

Who the smeg are you?

SECOND LISTER: 

I, The Smeg am Lister!

KRYTEN: 

Of course!  He's the alternative You!  

One of the many David Listers 

who never got a chance to exist.

LISTER: 

So we're kind of... 

Sperms-in-law?

KRYTEN: 

Yes, sir.

SECOND KRYTEN: 

Delicately put, sir.

CAT: 

So whatta we do with 'em?

RIMMER: 

I say waste them.

LISTER and SECOND LISTER: (Together) 

Rimmer, for smeg's sake!

SECOND LISTER: 

He's such a dork, man!

LISTER: 

You're tellin' me?!

RIMMER: 

Look, they come here with some cock-and-bull story, 

they're chained together like Sidney Poiter 

and Tony Curtis -- I say 

open the door to oblivion 

and kick 'em through.

SECOND LISTER: 

Rimmer, no one's killin' no one, allright?

LISTER: 

Yeah, right!

RIMMER: 

Look, they're from some freaky alternative dimension, 

they've come here to hijack this ship and do... 

oooh, weird things to us.  

I think we should take the lift, 

put them on the security deck 

and stick them in The Brig.

CAT: 

I hate to say it, but for once 

TransAm-wheel-arch-nostrils 

is right. Come on, get moving!

RIMMER: 

What did you call me?

9 Int. Lift.

Cut to everyone packed together in a very old lift -- 

the kind with fold-up iron grating instead of a door.  

The LISTERs are having a conversation.

LISTER: 

Look man, You know the score.

SECOND LISTER: 

Why do I know the score?

LISTER: 

Because You're Me.  

We're shot from 

the same gun-barrel.  

Only difference is, 

one did breast-stroke, 

one did crawl.

SECOND LISTER: 

What are you tryin' to say?

LISTER: 

I'm saying--

LISTER is cut off when the INQUISITOR appears on the floor above them and begins shooting orange lasers at them through the floor (which is metal

grating.)

LISTER: 

That's him, guys!

General panic ensues as everyone tries to escape.  

LISTER and KRYTEN become separated from the group.  

The SECOND LISTER and SECOND KRYTEN are

blown up when the INQUISITOR's lasers 

touch off an explosion.

KRYTEN: 

C'mon, let's go.

LISTER: 

Let's go back!  

Let's go back!

They return to where they heard The Explosion.  

LISTER crouches over the bodies of the SECOND LISTER and SECOND KRYTEN.  

They have been literally

blown to pieces.

LISTER: 

Oh my god.  

Hang on a minute, 

I can use this.  C'mon, go!

LISTER has picked up something, 

but we couldn't see what.  

They continue running.

LISTER: 

If we got down to the transport decks, 

maybe we could nick one of the Starbugs, 

and get outta town.

They come upon A Door.

KRYTEN : 

Uh-oh, A Door. 

We'd better use an air vent.

LISTER: 

No need.

KRYTEN: 

Sir?

LISTER: 

Look, I'm gonna do something now, Kryten, 

that's totally, totally gross. 

I don't want you to look.  

Turn around.

KRYTEN: 

What?

LISTER: 

Trust me, you don't wanna know!

KRYTEN reluctantly turns around.  

LISTER pulls the object he picked up earlier 

out of his jacket:  it's a hand.  

He presses the severed hand to

the palm-print device, and the door opens.  

He puts the hand back in his

jacket and turns around.  

KRYTEN has a sick look 

of realisation on his face.

KRYTEN: 

Logically, sir, there is only one way 

you could have possibly have 

opened that door.  

I feel quite nauseous. Where is it?

LISTER: 

Where's what?

KRYTEN: 

Oh, sir!! You've got it 

in your jacket!!

LISTER: 

I got us out of the hold, didn't I?

KRYTEN: 

Sir, you are sick!  

You are a sick, sick person!  

How can you possibly even 

conceive of such an idea?

LISTER: 

Cheer up!  Or I'll beat you to death 

with the wet end!!

KRYTEN: 

Sir, if mechanoids could barf, 

I'd be onto my fifth bag by now!

  You're a sick person!  Sick!  Sick!

LISTER: (Overlapping) 

C'mon, Kryten, let's go!  C'mon!

The Survivors

 

 

For the last time, SPRINGER,

I am NOT an Autobot!

I’m a Decepticon WARRIOR!

Saving Humans might be YOUR idea 

of FUN, but it ISN’T mine!

 

Crashed Trains, Hijacks, Burning Oil Rigs...

Is this what it’s come to?

 

When I agreed to join your little group of SURVIVORS, 

I thought we might get a fight or three in!

Maybe I should have STAYED with The Decepticons!

 

Blast! Why’d I blow my top like that?

Springer means well, but…. 

He just DOESN’T UNDERSTAND!

 

This Do-Gooding stuff 

doesn’t come EASY to me!

Though I don’t consider myself EVIL….

I’m still a Decepticon at Heart.
The Need to Fight is in My Oil!

 

Maybe I was WRONG to defy The Decepticons

They won’t rest until I’m DEAD!

Yeah, and all of this High-Profile Rescuing of Humans...

will probably lead them RIGHT TO ME!

 

PROWL :

Well, you’ve certainly proved yourself 

worthy of our Trust, Carnivac. 

Here we were, out for blood, 

and it took a Decepticon 

to remind us we don’t kill.

With that merciful act, 

I welcome you the ranks 

of The Earthforce!

 

CARNIVAC :

Mercy? HAH! These SCUM murdered 

My Friend, Catilla — they deserve NO MERCY.

I just know that denying them their ‘Warrior’s Death’ 

is the WORST fate I can think of!

 

I may now a member of EarthForce, but let’s not forget --

 

I’m still 

an EVIL DECEPTICON 

at Heart!

EMH: 

We have no time to waste. 

According to the computer, we're at warp. 

We've got to figure out some way to slow the ship down before we get too far from the crew. 

That would seem to be our first priority. 

And then we have to get some weapons. 

Mister Suder, are you listening to me? 

SUDER: 

Yes. 

EMH: 

Oh. I see. Perhaps you consider 

this an opportunity. 

SUDER: 

Opportunity? 

EMH: 

To obtain your freedom from confinement. 

How foolish of me to think you would want to help. 

SUDER: 

You're wrong. 

I do want to help. 

EMH: 

Then what? 

SUDER: 

I'm going to have to kill 

some of them. 

EMH: 

...it is possible. Violence might 

be required to retake the ship. 

SUDER: 

I've worked so, so hard 

over the last few months 

to control the violent feelings. 

I'm almost At Peace with Myself. 

I mean, I see the day coming 

when I could be. 

EMH: 

Mister Suder. If Lieutenant Tuvok were here, 

I know he would tell you there are times when 

violence is required to defend yourself, 

to defend Your Ship, 

to defend Your Crew. 

SUDER: 

Yes, there is A Logical Use 

for Biolence — 

For everyone else. 

With me, once it begins….

EMH: 

We must do this together, Mister Suder. 

If You Don't Trust Yourself yet, 

then Trust Me. 

I will help you anyway I can. 

One hologram and one sociopath 

may not be much of a match for the Kazon, 

but we'll have to do.

The Man :

Hello?

The Father :

What's going on?

I haven't heard back from Max Price.

The Man :

We pulled out at the end of last week.

The Father :

What?

The Man :

Yeah, I didn't like the terms.

The Father :

What fucking terms didn't you like?

The Man :

Excuse me?

The Father :

Why didn't you tell me?

The Man :

It happened last Friday.

The Father :

I could have fixed it, 

why didn't you let me fix it?

The Man :

There was nothing to fix, Rory.

It just wasn't a good fit.

The Father :

Arthur, I had everything riding on this deal —

Arthur, I NEED The Deal.

The Man :

What are you going on about?

I Don't CARE What You Need.

This is MY Company, just move on.

The Father :

You're killing Your Company 

by not listening to me.

So small-minded.

Jesus, that's why I had to get away from here, 

small island, small fucking mentality.

The Man :

Watch your MOUTH in MY office, Sonny Jim.

Did you have any idea what they were going to DO here?

Shit. Did you even bother to look at the details?

Or were you too busy celebrating?

There wasn't a chance in hell 

I was gonna let them come in here 

and fuck with what I've built.

The Father :

None of that matters, 

The Bottom Line is what matters.

 

You brought me in, to make you money. Right?

You brought me in to make you money, 

and the best way to make money 

is to SELL the company.

Make The Deal.

The Man :

I've known you a long time you little bastard.

So I'm gonna be honest with you.

You have a great mind, 

and endless charm, 

but you don't pay attention 

to the detail.

I thought you'd changed, but you haven't.

Oh, you know how to ride a wave in an Up market.

Well that doesn't impress.

What impresses me, is how you deal 

with a DOWN market, 

because that's how you build 

a successful company.

You focus on the one percent at a time — 

It's boring and it's ugly.

But it's the bit of the business 

I LOVE the MOST.

The Father :

There won't be any business, 

there won't be any company.

We'll be finished within a year.

The Man :

And we can have 

ALL the information in The World, 

and STILL be WRONG.

Come on.

Get back to trading, Rory.

You're good at it.

VERY good at it.

For Christ's sake, do yourself a favor, 

and stop trying to make a killing overnight.

Bring me something stable.

Find solid footing on some good deals.

The Father :

.....there is something.

The Man :

Oh.

The Father :

I wasn't gonna say it until it was further along, 

but I might as well tell you now.

Yeah.

Norwegian fish farms.

Let's NOT Kill Hitler

The JUDGE :

If you could go Back in Time, to Germany, 

before Hitler came to Power, 

knowing what you know now, 

Would You Kill Him? 

The PROPHET :

Is that why you sent for me, John, to--

to ask me this, uh... This Question? 

The JUDGE :

I have to talk to you, Sam, 

because -- I've had another episode. 

The PROPHET :

Oh, yes? Go on. 

The JUDGE :

I've been tutoring this boy named Stuart. 

In The Vision, I saw him drown. 

But That's Not The Point. 

In The Vision, something 

was missing. 

The PROPHET :

How -- How do you mean? 

The JUDGE :

It was like...A Blank Spot, 

A Dead Zone. 

The PROPHET :

First of all, Tell Me --

Did The Boy in 

fact drown? 

The JUDGE :

His Father wanted him to play hockey --

I talked him out of it. 

The Boy's Alive. 

The PROPHET :

Ah. Yes. Don't you see --

How clear it is? 

Not only can you see The Future, you can -- 

The JUDGE :

...I can change it. 

The PROPHET :

You can change it, exactly. Here. 

Yes, John. That is your -- 

Your Dead Zone. 

The possibility of... 

of altering the outcome 

of Your Premonitions... 

It's fascinating. Let me make a note. 

The JUDGE :

What about My Question? 

The PROPHET :

Huh? Oh, you mean the one a

bout....about Hitler? 

The JUDGE :

What would you do?

The PROPHET :

Err -- I don't like this, John. 

What are you getting at? 

The JUDGE :

What would you do? 

Would you kill him? 

The PROPHET :

All right. All right --

I'll give you An Answer : 

I'm a Man of Medicine --

 I'm expected to Save Lives 

and ease Suffering....

and I love People. 

Therefore, I would have No Choice --

But to Kill the son of a bitch. 

The JUDGE :

[ whispering under his breath ]

You'd never get away alive. 

The PROPHET :

It doesn't matter -- 

[cheerful]

I would kill him. 

Nasdro via. Skol. 

"Dear Sarah, 

It is a hard letter to write, so I'll make it short. 

I can't go on hiding anymore. 

That's what I've been doing -- running and hiding. 

I had this figured out all wrong. I always thought my power was a curse, but now I can see it 's a gift. 

By the time you get this letter, it'll be all over. 

You never will understand why. 

Nobody ever will, but I know what I'm doing. 

And I know I'm right. 

Just remember there's never been anyone for me except you. 

Just wasn't in the cards for us, I guess. 

I'll always love you, Sarah. 

Johnny."