The Thrice-Named

 Knock, Knock! Who's There? 

Mickey. Mickey who? 

Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mantle, 

Mickey Rourke, Mickey Finn, 

Mickey Dolenz, Mickey Knox. 

Guilty? You bet your ass. 

But I think Charles Manson 

said it best when he said -- 

"I'm not herrrre, man...

I'm not here!" 

I don't blame Mickey or Mallory. 

I blame Ajax and Jack Frost and Frosted Flakes 

and Achy Breaky, Lyndon Johnson, Johnny Cash, 

Johnny Carson, Johnny Quest. 

I blame the Pope, and Pop-Tarts, 

the Popile Pocket Fisherman. Ahh!

I blame Jif, and jazz and O.J. Simpson, 

JFK, RFK, FDR, FBI, CIA, STP, 

AFL, CIO, ABC, NBC, JVC, VCR. 

I blame John Wilkes Booth 

and 

Sirhan Sirhan Sirhan 

and 

Mary Tyler Moore. 

I blame all people who 

use three names. 

Big Bird, Guilty, 

Barney, Guilty! 

I blame Jesus Christ 

and Jon Bon Jovi! 

I stick my right index finger 

in Wayne Newton's left eyeball! 

Not their parents, not drugs, 

not Society-at-Large. 

Do you want to know who I really blame? 

The Pittsburgh Pirates, because in 1947, 

Major League Baseball scouted 

a hot young pitching prospect 

named Fidel Castro. 

Hot outta Havana High, he had big speed 

and a nasty curveball but at the last minute, 

the teams all rescinded their offers. 

Just think about that - If Fidel had been drafted, huh huh? 

No Bay of Pigs, no Kennedy assassination, no cover-up, 

no Vietnam, no Nixon, no Ford, no bell-bottoms, 

no Brady Bunch, no earthshoes, no Reagan, no crack. 

No, we'd all be eating hotdogs and apple-pie 

and smoking big fat Cuban cigars. 

M-I-C. 

See you real soon. 

K-E-Y

Why? Because 

They Want To, 

That's Why.