Showing posts with label David Niven. Show all posts
Showing posts with label David Niven. Show all posts

Friday 24 June 2022

Sir James Bond, 007 (Emeritus.)





M. :
They used to say, 
A Good Spy is A Pure Spy
Inside and Out

Roses, Tanagra figurines 
and Debussy —

He plays Debussy every afternoon 
from sunset until it's too dark 
to read the music. 
Stands on his head a lot, 
eats Royal Jelly. 

Lets his intestines down 
and washes them by hand…. 
Something he learned during 
his sojourn in Tibet

Ransome, CIA :
M, what gives? 



M. :
I forgot to mention 
The Lions.

Ransome, CIA :
Lions and more lions.
We're surrounded by Lions!

Smernov, KGB :
I did not come all the way here 
to be devoured by 
Symbols of Monarchy


Ransome, CIA :
I warn you, M, if 
This is A Trap... 

M. :
Calm yourselves, gentlemen. 
It's no Trap, I assure you. 
The Lions are only curious —
He has few visitors. 

Ransome, CIA :
That I can believe….

M. :
A veritable Eden, 
is it not, gentlemen? 

Ransome, CIA :
Eden without an Eve 
is an absurdity. 

Smernov, KGB :
A Good Spy is a Pure Spy. 

M. :
Not Good. Great
The Greatest Spy in History, gentlemen. 
The True, One and Only, 
Original James Bond.


LOYAL RETAINER :
The Gentlemen are here, 
Sir James.

Sir James Bond :
Thank you.

M. :
My Dear Bond.

Sir James Bond :
My Dear M. 

Ransome, CIA :
Ransome, CIA, Sir James —

Sir James Bond :
J-Junior cipher c-clerk 
in m-my day, weren't you, 
Ransome? 

Ransome, CIA :
Yes, sir. JCC, class G, 
SIC to SCCT. 
CIA, Washington DC. 

Smernov, KGB :
Smernov, KGB, 
Sir James. 

Sir James Bond :
Ah, yes. L-Labour camp inspector. 
Ikon GPU, Siberian sector. 
I remember Your ch-Chap Lenin very well :
First-class organiser,
Second-class mind. 

Le Grand, 
Deuxième-Bureau :
Le Grand, Sir James. 
Deuxième-Bureau. 

Sir James Bond :
Promoted at last from 
The Vice Detail? 

M. :
How incredibly well you look, James. 

Sir James Bond :
Time, My Dear M, 
Does Not Exist 
within These Walls.

Ransome, CIA :
…..they ain't for Real.

M. :
Yes, a far cry from 
our embattled world. 

Sir James Bond :
In My Day, Spying was 
an alternative to War. 
The Spy was a member of a select and immaculate priesthood, vocationally d-devoted, sublimely disinterested. 

Hardly a description of that sexual acrobat who leaves a t-trail of beautiful dead women like blown roses behind him.

M. :
You mean...

Sir James Bond :
You know very well who I mean.
 That b-bounder to whom 
you gave My Name 
and Number —

M. :
My Dear James, 
when you left us 
we were a small service, 
under-financed, 
ludicrously ill-equipped. 

It was essential that 
Your Legend be maintained —
Without a James Bond : 007, 
No-one would have respected us. 

Sir James Bond :
Him and his wretched g-gadgets. 

M. :
We must make use of the 
weapons of our time. 

Sir James Bond :
So I observe. 
You, Ransome, with your 
trick carnation that 
s-spits cyanide. 
You ought to be ashamed. 

Ransome, CIA :
…..The Russians started it. 

Sir James Bond :
And you, Smernov, 
with an armoury concealed 
in your grotesque boots. 
Listen to them tinkle. 

And you, Le Grand, with 
a different deadly poison 
in each of your fly buttons. 

And you, M, with your 
flame-throwing 
fountain pens —

Y-Y-You're joke-shop 
spies, gentlemen. 

M. :
We are in the last half of 
the 20th century, Sir James —
Even you have to face it. 

Sir James Bond :
Why should I, when I can 
face thatLook, at My Garden :

Out There, there is A Black Rose —
Not Dark Red, but Black
As a Raven's Wing at Midnight. 
I would not exchange one single petal 
for anything Your World has to offer, including 
an Aston M-Martin 
with lethal accessories. 

Smernov, KGB :
You have only contempt for 
the proletariat, Sir James. 
This we know. 

Ransome, CIA :
If I didn't know better, 
I'd say you'd lost your 
Faith in Democracy. 

Sir James Bond :
You can Break The Glass, 
but you can't hold back 
The Weather. 

M. :
Things are Bad. 
I've lost agents in the last fortnight - 
seven killed, four missing.

Sir James Bond :
Is My Namesake among them? 

M. :
He may well be tomorrow
Eight of ours were given The Works — 
Two in The Pentagon.

Smernov, KGB :
KGB is depleted
….I cannot disclose exact figures. 

M. :
The Enemy has penetrated our most secret inner circles.
He reads Our Very Mind.

For all we know, 
He has his eye on us right now. 

Sir James Bond :
Are you quite sure he is not 
one or m-more of you

Ransome, CIA :
No, no.

Le Grand, 
Deuxième-Bureau :
Absolutely sure. 

Smernov, KGB :
Until This Danger is passed, 
we must stand united 
in the defence of all spies, 
great or small, 
regardless of nationality. 

Sir James Bond :
Calamity makes strange b-bedfellows, 
but why, in the strength 
of Your Unity, do you disturb 
A Gentleman in his Retirement? 

M. :
We need 
Your Inspirational Leadership. 


Le Grand, 
Deuxième-Bureau :
Please give us 
The Benefit of 
Your Incomparable 
Powers of Deduction.

Ransome, CIA :
For all Freedom-Loving Peoples —
For the glorious Socialist Revolution. 

(Date T.B.C,)

Sir James Bond :
If I may interrupt 
this flow of clichés, 
it is now that time of day 
I have set apart for Debussy…


Can this be The Man Who Won 
a Victoria Cross at Mafeking? 
The Hero of the Ashanti Uprising? 

Smernov, KGB :
What genius to be wasted 
in The Service of 
a crumbling Empire….

Ransome, CIA :
Why, at the height of his powers, 
did Bond decide to retire? 

M. :
Mata Hari, My Dear Friend.

Ransome, CIA :
What's the connection?

M. :
The Woman in His Life.

Ransome, CIA :
I don't get it.

M. :
It was his painful duty 
to lure her across 
the Spanish frontier into France, 
where we stood her 
in front of a firing squad. 

He really loved 
that woman. 

Well, James? 

Sir James Bond :
I'm sorry, old man, 
but what you ask is 
quite impossible

M. :
Perhaps this will change 
Your Decision. 

( M. hands over a Warrant bound with The Royal Seal. )

Sir James Bond :
My Record speaks My Loyalty. 
But no, not even 
for her, McTarry. 

M. :
Sorry, James. 

( M. lights his cigar. )


There's McTarry's signal. 

Stand by. 

Zero. 

On. 

Fire! 



Fire! Up !

The Authority —
A MAN IN BLACK :
Authority to Control.


Control —
PUSSY :
Go ahead. 


The Authority —
The MAN in BLACK :
Proceed with Smersh Plan B —

Sir James Bond is back, 
with his morals, his vows, 
and his celibate image. 

We must destroy that image. 

Riverbank to Control.

Control —
PUSSY :
Go ahead.

The Target has just entered Scotland.

M's Castle to Control.

Control — PUSSY 
M's name is ‘McTarry’. Use it


Plan B in operation :
McTarry Castle completely occupied, with only one change —
Agent Mimi is now M's Widow. 

Control — PUSSY :
Agent Mimi impersonating 
Lady Fiona

Well, she has the best Scots accent.