Cosmic Edge-Lords

SCULLY :

No exam has been done?

The Sheriff : 

Uh ... No, Ma'am. Once I heard y'all was interested 

I figured we'd best leave it to 

The Experts. (Scully smiles broadly) 

Now, uh ... that can't be 

what it looks like, right?

MULDER: 

That depends on what you think 

it looks like, Sheriff Hartwell. 

Vampires have always been with Us, 

in ancient myths and stories 

passed down from early Man. 

(Scully stands behind Mulder, smiling, eyes wide, 

rocks from side to side, goofing around) 

From the Babylonian Ekimu to the Chinese Kuang-Shi 

to Motetz Dam of the Hebrews, the Mormo 

of ancient Greece and Rome* 

to the more familiar Nosferatu 

of Transylvania.

The Sheriff :

Mormo.* Yeah.

SCULLY: 

In short, Sheriff, no. This can't be what it looks like. 

I think what we're dealing with here is 

simply a case of some lunatic. (She chuckles) 

Who, uh, has watched too many Bela Lugosi movies. 

He wishes that he could transfigure himself

 into a creature of the night.

The Sheriff :

Yeah. Okay. Uh ... what she said, 

that's what I'm thinking, 

and, uh ... Yeah. 

(Scully loves being right)

MULDER: 

Still, that leaves us in something of a quandary 

because there are as many different 

kinds of vampires as there are 

cultures that fear them. 

(Scully yawns and covers her mouth) 

Some don't even subsist on blood. 

The Bulgarian Ubour, for example, 

eats only manure.

SCULLY: (sarcastically) 

Thank you.

MULDER: 

To The Serbs, a prime indicator 

of vampirism is red hair. 

(raises his hand to Scully's head) 

Some vampires are thought to be eternal. 

Others are thought to have 

a Life-span of only 40 days. 

(Scully's pointing at her watch, rolling her eyes, carrying on.) 

Sunlight kills certain vampires 

while others come and go 

as they please, Day or night.

(Scully sighs deeply from boredom).

SCULLY: 

If There's A Point, Mulder, 

please feel free to come to it.

MULDER: 

My Point is that We Don't know 

exactly what we're looking for. 

What kind of vampire, or if you prefer, 

what kind of vampire this killer 

wishes himself to be.

(Mulder notices the untied shoes on the corpse 

and stands with his head between his feet)

SCENE 19 

TODAY X FILES OFFICE

SCULLY: 

Now, why is it so important 

that his shoes were untied?

MULDER: 

I'm getting to it.

CEMETERY - DAY

MULDER VOICE OVER: 

So, while You stayed behind to do The Autopsy, 

The Sheriff drove me to the town cemetery.

(Hartwell opens the gate and they walk through. 

This cemetery is certainly not off the beaten path, 

the creepier the better)

The Sheriff :

Agent Mulder, you mind me 

asking you why we're out here?

MULDER: 

Historically, cemeteries were thought to be 

a haven for vampires, as are castles, 

catacombs and swamps, 

but unfortunately, you don't 

have any of those.

The Sheriff :

We used to have swamps only 

The EPA made us take to 

calling them ‘wetlands’.

MULDER: 

Yeah. So, we're out here looking 

for any signs of vampiric activity.

The Sheriff :

Which would be like, uh...?

MULDER: 

Broken or shifted tombstones. 

The absence of birds singing.

The Sheriff :

There you go. Cuz I ain't hearing any birds singing. 

Right? Course, it's winter, and We ain't 

got no birds. Is there anything else?

Mulder : 

A faint groaning coming from under the earth. 

The sound of manducation -- of the creature 

eating its own death shroud.

The Sheriff :

Nope. No manuh... ma-ma...

MULDER: 

Manducation.

The Sheriff :

Manducation. No.

MULDER: 

Now, Sheriff, I know my methods 

may seem a little odd to you, but..

The Sheriff :

Hey, look, y'all work for the federal 

guv'mint and that's all I need to know. 

I mean, CIA, Secret Service --

-- y'all run the show, so --

MULDER: 

It's just that my gut instinct tells me 

that the killer will visit this place. 

That it may well hold some fascination -- 

some kind of siren call for him, you know. 

(A horn honks)

RONNIE: 

Howdy, Sheriff.

(The teen delivery boy is in a red car on the street, a Gremlin)

The Sheriff :

Oh, hey, Ronnie. How's it going?

RONNIE: 

Can't complain.

The Sheriff : 

Well, all right, then. 

(Ronnie drives off)

MULDER: 

Maybe after nightfall, Sheriff, 

but he'll come. Oh, he'll come.

(we watch the car drive off down the road)

SCENE 20 

CEMETERY - NIGHT

(Mulder looking around with his flashlight)

MULDER VOICE OVER: 

So, we staked out the cemetery.

SCENE 21 

TODAY X FILES OFFICE

SCULLY: 

Mulder, shoelaces?

MULDER: 

Hmm?

SCULLY: 

On The Corpse. You were going to tell me 

what was Meaningful about 

finding untied shoelaces.

MULDER: 

I'm getting to it.

SCENE 22 

CEMETERY - NIGHT

(Mulder is spreading sunflower seeds around 

the cemetery, he gets into Sheriff's car)

MULDER: 

Sunflower seed? 

(He accidentally drops some) Sorry.

The Sheriff :

No, thanks. Do you mind ... (he picks up a seed that fell 

from Mulder's bag and tosses it) Do you mind 

me asking you what you were ...

MULDER: 

Historically, certain types of seeds 

were thought to fascinate vampires. 

Chiefly oats and millet, but you 

make-do with what you have. 

Remember when I said before 

that we didn't know what type of 

vampire we were looking for?

The Sheriff : 

Yeah.

MULDER: 

Well, oddly enough, there seems 

to be one obscure fact which 

in all the stories told 

by the different cultures 

is exactly the same, and that's 

that vampires are really, 

really obsessive-compulsive. 

Yeah, you toss a handful of seeds 

at one, no matter what he's doing 

he's got to stop and pick it up. 

If he sees a knotted rope, 

he's got to untie it. 

It's in His Nature. 

In fact, that's why,

I'm guessing that our victim's 

shoelaces were untied.

The Sheriff : 

Yeah, obsessive... Like Rain Man. (Mulder nods) 

It's like when that old boy dropped them matchsticks, 

he had to pick them all up. 

Same thing, right?

MULDER: 

Well, he didn't actually 

pick them up. 

He counted them.

The Sheriff : 

Oh, yeah. 247. 

Right off the top of your head.

MULDER: 

Well, if he had picked them up,

he would have been 

The Sheriff :

Yeah. I'll tell you what. 

I know I'm in Law-enforcement, 

but I'd like to take him 

to Vegas myself. 

Am I right?

MULDER: 

Well, that would be illegal, right?

The Sheriff :

He's like a little calculator.

MULDER: 

Yeah.

EndNotes :

* : “Mormu. Yeah.” Is The Sherrif answering The Question implicit in Mulder’s colloray, qualifying his response to The Sherriff own initial Question…? 

This Line of Enquiry, more fully-explored by way 

of being Gamed-out via Free-Play would, 

therefore, run as follows :

Free Range Kids

Lenore Skenazy : Free Range Kids

Everyone has an opinion 

when it comes 

to Questions of Parenting. 

Our Sunday newspapers 

seem to report on little else.

 

New York journalist, 

Lenore Skenazy 

tells how she was labelled 

‘America’s Worst Mom’ 

after she let her nine-year old son 

ride the subway home 

and how she fought back 

in the midst of a media maelstrom, 

by starting the movement for 

‘Free-range Kids’.

A Hard Day's Night

 

Hey, pardon me for asking, but 

who's that little old man?

Paul :

What little old man?

That little old man.

Paul :

Oh, that one. That's My Grandfather.

Your Grandfather?

Paul :

Yeah.

That's not your grandfather.

Paul :

It is, you know.

George :

But I've seen Your Grandfather.

He lives in Your House.

Paul :

Oh, that's My Other Grandfather,

but he's My Grandfather as well.

How do you reckon that one out?

Paul :

Well, everyone's entitled

to Two, aren't they?

And This is My Other One.

We know that, but

What's he doing here?

Paul :

Well, My Mother thought the trip 

would do him Good.

How's that?

Paul :

He's nursing a broken heart.

Ah, poor old thing.

Hey, Mister, are you

nursing a broken heart?

He's a nice old man, isn't he?

Paul :

He's very clean.

John :

Hello, Grandfather.

Hello.

He can Talk then, can he?

Paul :

Of course he can Talk. 

He's a Human Being, isn't he?

RINGO :

Well, if he's Your Grandfather,

who knows? Ha ha ha.

John :

And we're looking after him, are we?

I look after myself.

Paul :

Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.

George :

He's got you worried, then?

Paul :

Him, He's a Villain, a real mixer...

and he costs you a fortune

in Breach of Promise cases.

George :

Get on.

Paul :

No, straight up.

Shake :

Hiya.

Hello, Shake.

Hello, Shake.

You got on all right, then?

John :

No.

Oh? Well, we're here.

Norm'll be along in a minute with the tickets.

Hey, who's the little old man?

It's Paul's grandfather.

Oh, aye, but I thought...

No, that's his other one.

Oh, that's all right, then.

Clean, though, isn't he?

Oh, aye. He's very clean.

Norm :

Morning, lads.

Hi, Norm.

Thank God you've all got here.

Look, I've had a marvellous idea.

Just for once, let's all try to behave

like ordinary respectable citizens.

Let's not cause any trouble,

pull any strokes, or do anything 

I'm gonna be sorry for...

especially tomorrow in that

television theatre, because...

Are you listening to me, Lennon?

John :

You're a swine. Isn't he, George?

George :

Yeah, a swine.

Thanks. Hey.

Who's that little old man?

- Well, who is he?

- He belongs to Paul.

Oh, well. I'm going down

for a cup of coffee.

- Anyone coming?

- We'll follow you down.

I want me coffee.

You can come with Shake

and Me, if you like.

Paul :

Look after him -- I don't want to 

find you've lost him.

Don't be cheeky. 

I'll bind Him to Me with Promises.

Very clean, isn't he?

Come out, Grandad.

Make up your mind, will you?

The Passenger : 

Hello. Morning.

All right?

Whoa.

Do You Mind if we have it open?

The Passenger : 

Yes, I Do.

Well, There are Four of Us,

and We'd like it open, not if 

it's all the same to you, that is.

The Passenger : 

It isn't. I travel on This Train regularly,

Twice a Week, so I suppose

I have some Rights.

So Have We.

The Passenger : 

And We'll have that thing off 

as well. Thank you.

But...

The Passenger : 

An elementary knowledge

of the Railway Acts...

would tell you that I am

perfectly within My Rights.

Paul :

Yeah, but We want to hear it.

There's more of Us than You.

We're a Community,

a majority vote.

'Up The Workers!' and all that stuff.

Paul :

Then I suggest You take that damn thing

into The Corridor, or some 

other part of The Train, 

where you obviously belong.

Give us a kiss.

Paul :

Look, Mister, We paid for

Our Seats, too, you know.

The Passenger : 

I travel on This Train

regularly, twice a week.

John :

Knock it off, Paul. You can't win with his sort.

After all, it's His Train, isn't it, Mister?

The Passenger :

And don't take that tone

with Me, Young Man.

I fought The War for your sort.

John :

I bet you're sorry You Won.

The Passenger :

I shall call The Guard.

Ah, but what?

They don't take kindly to insults, you know.

Let's go have some coffee and

leave the kennel to Lassie.

Hey, mister, can we

have our ball back?

Look, mister. Mister. Can

we have our ball back?

- Hey.

Please, mister.

You want to watch it.

Well, it's not my fault.

You stick to that story, son.

I can't help it. I'm just taller than you are.

They always say that.

Well, I've got me eye on ya.

I'm sorry, Norm. I can't help being taller than you.

Well, don't rub it in. I've a good mind 

to thump you, Shake.

If you're gonna have a barney,

can I hold your coat?

- He started it.

- I did not. You did.

Well, what happened?

The old fella said that...

could he have these pictures,

and Norm said, "No."

And all I said was, "Well,

why not be big about it?"

- And?

- Your grandfather pointed out...

that Shake was always being

taller than me just to spite me.

I knew it. He started it.

- I should've known.

- You what?

You two have never had an

argument in your life...

and in two minutes flat,

he's got you at it.

He's a king mixer.

He hates group unity, so

he gets everyone at it.

Well, I suggest you just

give him the photos...

and have done with it.

Oh, all right, you old

devil. Here you are.

Hey, Pauly, would you ever

sign one of them for us?

Ah, come out, Shake.

John :

Hey, look at the talent.

- Let's give them a pull.

- Should I?

Aye, but don't rush.

None of your five bar gate jumps 

and over sort of stuff.

John :

What's that supposed to mean?

I don't know -- I thought it just 

sounded distinguished-like.

John :

George Harrison, the scouse of distinction.

Paul :

Excuse me, madame.

Excuse me, but these young men I'm sitting with...

wondered if two of us could come over and join you.

I'd ask you myself, only I'm shy.

I'm sorry, miss. You mustn't

fraternise with me prisoners.

Prisoners?

Convicts in transit. Typical old lags, 

the lot of them.

You what?

Get out, ladies. Get out while you can.

He's been gone a long time.

Who?

Paul's Grandfather.

Oh, I didn't notice.

Where'd he go?

- Down the...

- Oh, down the...

Yeah, down the...

Oh, well, give him a

couple of minutes, then.

Hey, have you seen Paul's Grandfather?

Of course. He's concealed about me person.

Now, he must've slipped off somewhere.

Have you lost him?

Now, don't exaggerate.

Paul :

You've lost him.

Look, put it this way,

Pauly... he's mislaid him.

Paul :

Honest, you can't trust you 

with anything, Norm.

If you've lost him, 

I'll cripple ya.

He can't have got far.

Let's look up the sharp end.

George :

What's the matter with you, then?

RINGO :

It's His Grandfather.

I can tell he doesn't like me. 

It's because I'm little.

George :

You've got an inferiority

complex, you have.

RINGO :

Yeah, I know. That's why 

I play the drums.

It's me active compensatory factor.

[ In one of the First Class compartments, a clearly Wealthy older women, dripping in furs and diamonds makes Come-to-Bed eyes at Ringo through the window glass — 

Ringo glances around behind himself, doing a ‘What? Who, ME..?!?’ mime ]

George :

Going in, then?

RINGO :

Nah, she'll only 

reject Me in The End,

and I'll be frustrated.

George :

You never know. 

You may be lucky this time.

RINGO :

No, I know the psychological pattern.

It plays havoc with me drum skins.

Excuse me. Have you seen that

little old man we were with?

We've broken out... the

blessed freedom of it all.

Have you got a nail file? 

These handcuffs are killing me.

I was framed. I'm innocent.

I don't want to go.

Sorry for disturbing you, girls.

I bet you can't guess

what I was in for.

Should we go in here?

No, it's probably a

honeymoon couple...

or a company director

or something.

Well, I don't care. I'm

gonna broaden my outlook.

Congratulate me,

boys. I'm engaged.

Oh, no, you're not. Not this time.

And to think me own grandson...

would've let them put me behind bars.

Don't dramatise. Let's face it, you're lucky to be here.

If they'd have had their own way,

you would have been dropped off already.

Well, you've got to admit

you upset a lot of people.

At least I can keep my eye on you,

while you're stuck in here.

Shove up.

- Odds or evens?

- Odds.

Don't worry, son.

We'll get you the best lawyer green stamps can buy.

Oh. It's a laugh a line with Lennon.

Anyway, it's your fault.

- Why me?

- Why not you?

God, it's depressing

in here, isn't it?

Funny. They usually reckon dogs

more than people in England.

You'd expect something

more palatial.

- Let's do something, then.

- Like what?

Ok.

Cor, there's the girls.

I'll deal them.

Aye aye, the Liverpool shuffle.

Two for you, two for

me, three for them.

Cheat.

♪ I ♪

♪ Should have known better

with a girl like you ♪

♪ That I would love

everything that you do ♪

♪ And I do ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ And I do ♪

Not-Brian Epstein :

That was great, lads.

Now, you've got about an hour,

but don't leave the theatre.

Where are you going, John?

She's going to show me

her stamp collection.

So's mine.

Not-Brian Epstein :

John, I'm talking to you --

This final run-through is

important, understand?

Important.

I want a cup of tea.

Shake?

I've got to adjust the decibels

on the inbalance, Norm.

Clever. George?

Not-Brian Epstein :

Ringo, look after him, will you?

RINGO :

Oh, hey, Norm.

Not-Brian Epstein :

Do I have to raise my voice?

RINGO :

All right. Come on, Grandad.

I'm a drummer, not a

wet-nurse, you know.

John McCartney, 

Paul's Grandfather :

Would you look at him...

Sitting there with his hooter,

scraping away at that book.

RINGO :

Well, what's the matter with that?

John McCartney, 

Paul's Grandfather :

Have you no natural

resources of your own?

Have they even robbed you of that?

RINGO :

You can learn from books.

John McCartney, 

Paul's Grandfather :

You can, can you?

Sheeps' Heads.

You could learn more by getting 

Out There and Living.

RINGO :

Out where?

John McCartney, 

Paul's Grandfather :

Any old where.

But not our little

Richard. Oh, no.

When you're not thumping

them pagan skins,

you're tormenting your

eyes with that rubbish.

RINGO :

Books are Good.

John McCartney, 

Paul's Grandfather :

Parading's Better.

RINGO :

Parading?

John McCartney, 

Paul's Grandfather :

Parading The Streets...

Trailing Your coat, 

Bowling along... Living.

RINGO :

Well, I am Living.

John McCartney, 

Paul's Grandfather :

You? Living?

When was the last time 

you gave a girl

a pink-edged daisy?

When did you last 

embarrass a Sheila...

with your cool 

appraising stare?

RINGO :

You're a bit old for that

sort of chat, aren't you?

John McCartney, 

Paul's Grandfather :

Well, at least I've got

a backlog of memories.

All you've got is that book.

RINGO :

Ah, stop picking on me. 

You're as bad as the rest of Them.

John McCartney, 

Paul's Grandfather :

Ah, so you are A Man, after all.

RINGO :

What's that mean?

John McCartney, 

Paul's Grandfather :

Do you think I haven't noticed?

Do you think I wasn't

aware of the drift?

You poor, unfortunate scruff.

They've driven you into books,

with their cruel, 

unnatural treatment,

exploiting your 

Good Nature.

RINGO :

I don't know.

John McCartney, 

Paul's Grandfather :

Ah, That Lot's never happier

unless They're jeering you.

And Where Would They Be,

without the steady support

of your drum beat?

That's What I'd 

Like to Know.

RINGO :

Yeah. That's right.

John McCartney, 

Paul's Grandfather :

And what's it all come 

to in The End?

RINGO :

Yeah. What's in it for Me?

John McCartney, 

Paul's Grandfather :

A book. Yeah, a blooming book.

When you could be out there,

betraying a rich American widow;

or sipping palm wine in Tahiti

before you're Too Old, like Me.

RINGO :

Yeah, funny, really, because 

I never thought, but -- 

Being Middle-aged 

and Old, takes up most 

of Your Time, doesn't it?

John McCartney, 

Paul's Grandfather :

You're only right --

Where are you going?

RINGO :

I'm going parading

before it's Too Late.

George :

Hey, Ringo, you know what

just happened to me?

RINGO :

No, I don't. You ought to stop 

looking so scornful.

It's twisting your face.

Tell him of The Story about...

Hello, here he is, the 

middle-aged boy wonder.

I thought you were looking

after The Old Man.

We've only got half an hour

to the final run-through.

He can't walk out on us now.

Can't he? He's done it, son.

Hey, you know What Happened?

We know.

Your Grandfather.

He's stirred him up.

Paul :

He hasn't.

George :

Yeah, he... he filled His Head 

with notions seemingly.

Paul :

The old mixer. Come on, 

we'll have to put him right.

Coming up, all dancers

onstage for rehearsal, please.

Split up and look for him.

We've become a limited company.

I'll look in here again.