Holo-Whip

Binks | Red Dwarf | BBC Comedy Greats

10 Int. Starbug cockpit.

KRYTEN: 

Poor Mr. Rimmer. I fear he is in great danger. 

HOLLY: 

I'm trying to get them to handshake, but they're not responding on any frequency. 

CAT: Well, I say let's break out the laser cannons and give 'em both barrels. 

KRYTEN: An adroit suggestion sir, with just two minor drawbacks. 

CAT: (Loudly) OK, forget it! 

LISTER: There's nothing to shoot at -- look at the readouts: zero mass. 

KRYTEN: Of course, a holoship! 

LISTER: A holoship? 

KRYTEN: The project was in its initial phase when I left the solar system. Ships of no mass or volume able to travel as super-light particles -- tachyons -- through worm-holes and star gates crewed by holograms of great genius and bravery. 

LISTER: And they've taken Rimmer? (Sarcasticly) He should fit in just perfectly! 

KRYTEN: Now I understand why they didn't bother with a handshake. Holo-crews are legendarily arrogant. They despise stupidity wherever they see it, and they see it everywhere. 

HOLLY: Hang on, I'm getting another energy emission.

11 Int. Starbug rear section.

A crew member from the holoship appears in an adjoining room. The Dwarfers walk in to investigate.

BINKS: (Walking around the Starbug) Binks to Enlightenment : Have arrived on the derelict -- Confirm initial speculation : there is absolutely nothing of any value or intrigue here. 

It's one of the old class-2 ship-to-surface vessels -- the very model, in fact, that was withdrawn due to major flight design flaws. 

Crew: 3. (Passes along the crew members, who are now standing in line)

One Series-4000 mechanoid -- almost burnt out. Give it maybe three years. Nothing of salvageable value. 

Ah, Felis Sapiens -- bred from the domestic house cat and about half as smart. No value in future study of this species. 

What have we here? A Human Being, or a very close approximation -- Chronological age : mid-20s, physical age : 47. Grossly overweight, unnecessarily ugly, otherwise would recommend it for The Museum. Apart from that of no value or interest.

While BINKS is ending his spiel, LISTER searches his pockets for a cigarette packet. He draws one cigarette out as an aerial and begins imitating BINKS.

LISTER: Lister to Red Dwarf : We have in our midst a complete smeg pot. Brains in the anal region. Chin absent -- presumed missing. Genitalia small and inoffensive. Of no value or interest. 

BINKS: Binks to Enlightenment -- Evidence of primitive humour. The human has knowledge of irony, satire, and imitation. With patient tuition could maybe master simple tasks. 

LISTER: Lister to Red Dwarf : Displays evidence of spoiling for a rumble. Seems unable to grasp simple threats. With careful pummelling, could possibly be sucking tomorrow's lunch through a straw. 

BINKS: Binks to Enlightenment : The Human is under the delusion that he is somehow able to bestow physical violence to a hologram. 

LISTER: Lister to Red Dwarf : The Intruder seems to be blissfully unaware that we have a rather sturdy holowhip in the munitions cabinet. Unless he wants his derriere minced like burger meat, he'd better be history in two seconds flat!

LISTER eats the cigarette, quickly removes his jacket, hat, and waistcoat, and assumes a boxing stance.

BINKS: Binks to Enlightenment: Re-con mission complete, transmit. With speed, Enlightenment, quickly please! --

BINKS disappears just as LISTER throws his first punch.

OUTTAKE --

LISTER ....I don't know why I ate that cigarette...!!