Epiphany: 4 Events Rolled into One

 I have a Ring of Jesus-Fire 

to Guide My Decisions.

 For Those Who Understand, 

no explanation is necessary; 

For Those Who Don't, 

no explanation will suffice. 

Epiphany: 4 Events Rolled into One

EXT. 437TH CIVIL AFFAIRS COMPANY - DAY 16

 Archie sits on a folding chair facing 

COLONEL HORN, 45, who is furious. 

Soldiers and vehicles pass. 

 COLONEL HORN

 You're supposed to make her feel good 

about the stories we want, 

not push stories we don't want, 

and you don't walk away from her 

to fuck another journalist. 

 ARCHIE GATES

 I never wanted this job, Ron. 

 COLONEL HORN

 It's a great job, Arch, Your Work in Iraq was over, 

I'm trying to help you out. 

 ARCHIE GATES

 I don't even know What We Did over here. 

 COLONEL HORN

 Don't even start that with me, 

because this has been a huge success. 

ARCHIE GATES

 Oh you got your star clinched. 

 COLONEL HORN

 (touches his collar)

 It's not my fault you plateaued a long time ago, 

big-mouthed N.C.O.  at heart. 

 ARCHIE GATES

 I don't even know What 

We Did Here, Ron. 

 COLONEL HORN

 You want to occupy Iraq 

and do Vietnam again, 

is that what you want? 

ARCHIE GATES

 Fuck it, I'm retiring, anyway. 

I don't care. 

 COLONEL HORN

 Until you do, you're an Army  officer, 

and you're still taking care 

of that reporter, 

so do it right. 

Maybe she'll hook you up to 

consult with the media at home. 

ARCHIE GATES

 Fuck that. 

 INT. CAPTAIN'S TENT - DAY

 17

 SPLASH -- rubbing alcohol is poured 

over Vig's extended hand by Chief. 

 TROY

 You've washed your hands 

like a thousand times, Conrad. 

 VIG

 Lord knows what vermin live 

in the butt of a dune-koon. 

 CHIEF

 Don't say that around me. 

CHIEF

 Why do you let this cracker 

follow you around? 

 TROY

 He's all right, man, 

he's got no high school, 

he's from a group home in Dallas,

he doesn't know any better --

VIG

 Don't tell people that. 

 CHIEF

 I don't give a shit if he's from Johannesburg. 

I don't want to hear dune-koon or sand-n*gger 

from him or anybody else. 

 

VIG

Captain uses those terms -- ?

 

CHIEF

 No. 

 TROY

 No. 

 VIG

 I apologize but it's a little confusing 

with all of this pro-Saudi, 

anti-Iraqi language and all that. 

CHIEF (O.S.)

 These are definitely Saddam's bunkers 

between Karbala and Nazaria. 

 TROY

 What's inside? 

CHIEF

 According to Intel, 

Picasso, Sony, Rolex, Armani. 

Kuwait was Arab Beverly Hills 

and Saddam sacked it. 

TROY

 It would be nice to bring something home 

besides sand fleas --

 CHIEF

 Whatever, The Good Lord put this map in Our Path 

and we're gonna find something --

 TROY

 He could also put a land mine 

in our path if we go out there --

 CHIEF

 Don't Worry.  

I was Fire-Baptized,

and This Feels Safe. 

 TROY

 What the hell are you talking about? 

 CHIEF

 I have a Ring of Jesus-Fire 

to Guide My Decisions.

TROY

 I'm not following this. 

You're putting me on, right? 

 CHIEF

 For those who understand, 

no explanation is necessary; 

For those who don't, 

no explanation will suffice. 

Scene 2: Three Wise Men with Bad Senses of Direction

holy music

BABY BRIAN COHEN: 

crying

WISE MAN #1: 

Ahem.

MANDY COHEN: 

Ohhh!

whump

Who are you?

WISE MAN #1: 

We are three wise men.

MANDY: 

What?!

WISE MAN #1: 

We are three wise men.

MANDY: 

Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed 

at two o'clock in the morning? 

That doesn't sound very wise to me.

WISE MAN #3: 

We are astrologers.

WISE MAN #1: 

We have come from The East.

MANDY: 

Is this some kind of joke?

WISE MAN #2: 

We wish to praise the infant.

WISE MAN #1: 

We must pay homage to him.

MANDY: 

Homage? You're all drunk. 

It's disgusting. Out! 

The lot, out!

WISE MAN #1: 

No--

MANDY: 

Bursting in here with tales 

about oriental fortune tellers. 

Come on. Out!

WISE MAN #2: 

No, no. We must see him.

MANDY: 

Go and praise someone else's brat! Go on!

WISE MAN #2: 

We--

WISE MAN #1: 

We were led by A Star.

MANDY: 

Or led by a bottle, more like. 

Go on. Out!

WISE MAN #1: 

Well-- well, we must see him. 

We have brought presents.

MANDY: 

Out!

WISE MAN #2: 

Gold. Frankincense. Myrrh.

MANDY: 

Well, why didn't you say? 

He's over there. Sorry the place is 

a bit of a mess. 

Well, what is myrrh, anyway?

WISE MAN #3: 

It is a valuable balm.

MANDY: 

A balm? 

What are you giving him a balm for? 

It might bite him.

WISE MAN #3: 

What?

MANDY: 

That's a dangerous animal. 

Quick! Throw it in the trough.

WISE MAN #1: 

No, it isn't.

MANDY: 

Yes, it is. It's great, 

big mmm...

WISE MAN #3: 

No, no, no. It is an ointment.

MANDY: 

Aww, there is an animal called a balm,... 

or did I dream it? 

So, you're astrologers, are you? 

Well, what is he then?

WISE MAN #2: 

Hmm?

MANDY: 

What star sign is he?

WISE MAN #2: 

Uh, Capricorn.

MANDY: 

Uhh, Capricorn, eh? What are they like?

WISE MAN #2: 

Ooh, but... he is

The Son of God, Our Messiah.

WISE MAN #1:

King of the Jews.

MANDY: 

And that's Capricorn, is it?

WISE MAN #2: 

Uh, no, no, no. 

That's just him.

MANDY: 

Ohh, I was going to say, 

'Otherwise, there'd be 

a lot of them.' sniff

WISE MAN #1: 

By what name are you calling him?

MANDY: 

Uh, 'Brian'.

WISE MEN: 

We worship you, O Brian, 

who are Lord over us all. 

Praise unto you, Brian, 

and to the Lord, our Father. Amen.

MANDY: 

Do you do a lot of this, then?

WISE MAN #2: 

What?

MANDY: 

This praising.

WISE MAN #2: 

No, no. No, no.

MANDY: 

Er, well, um, if you're dropping by again, do pop in. Heh. 

And thanks a lot for the gold 

and frankincense, er, but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time. All right? 

Heh. Thank you! Good-bye! 

Well, weren't they nice? 

Hmm. Out of their 

bloody minds, but still.

WISE MEN leave

Look at that. Hoo hoo hoo.

WISE MEN return and grab presents

Here! Here! Here, that-- that's mine! Hee. Hey, you just gave me that! 

Oh.

whump

holy music

BABY BRIAN: 

crying

MANDY: 

Shut up. 

smack