"Matt, Danny, we have this opportunity to do this thing at FOX. Will you help us out?"
That's how a Man talks.
Do you care that we didn't do a very good show tonight?
CAL
Excuse me. Sorry about the timing.
MATT
What happened?
CAL
It was my fault.
MATT
What happened?!
CAL
It was my fault.
MATT
I'm about to go to a party where 17 people will ask me what happened.
CAL
Tell them it was my fault.
MATT
I can't blame other people for the same reason you can't blame other people so I need to blame him. What happened?
CAL
Ricky and Ron didn't switch the format back to 40-second page.
MATT
Why didn't you say so? I'm never so happy as when it's Ricky and Ron.
CAL
That's why I didn't say so.
DANNY
Switch back from what?
CAL
What?
DANNY
Why were they off 40-second page?
CAL
They were working in half-hour format.
DANNY
Why?
MATT
They're writing a pilot script.
DANNY
Do you know anything about this?
MATT
No, do you?
DANNY
No. Do you?
CAL
No.
DANNY
Do you?
MATT
Are they allowed to shop a pilot?
JORDAN
What do you care?
MATT
Aren't they exclusive?
JORDAN
I'm sure they can write whatever they want on spec.
DANNY
Not if they're banking good material instead of giving it to him.
MATT
I don't think Ricky and Ron have a secret treasure trove of good material they've been saving for an occasion.
JORDAN
Then why do you care?
MATT
I don't; I just want to screw with them? How can we find out if they're allowed to do this?
JORDAN
All right. My assistant Kevin is still at the office. If I have him pull the contract and read it, will you two have a serious conversation with me about product placement?
DANNY
What's serious?
JORDAN
You have to listen while I speak.
DANNY
Hmm. No, this I cannot do.
MATT
Call your assistant.
JORDAN
What was it you wanted to talk to me about?
DANNY
Just something Jack said on the way to Nevada.
JORDAN
What?
DANNY
We'll do this first.
JORDAN
I won't be able to concentrate! [on phone] Kevin, it's me. Can you pull the contracts on Richard Tahoe and Ron Oswald? I'm going to hang on. [to Matt and Danny] While I'm thinking of it, are either of you particularly attached to Peripheral Vision Man?
DANNY AND MATT
No.
DANNY
Why?
JORDAN
There's an option on underlying material that expires today. I can renew it for about a hundred dollars if you want.
MATT
Save the money.
DANNY
And now I don't have to fire anybody.
JORDAN
[on phone] Thank you. [to Danny] If 15 people are willing to split 100 dollars. [on phone] Can you search for language about exclusivity and call me back? I'll be on my cell. Thanks. [hangs up]
MATT
Do we have an answer on "Can Ricky and Ron be writing a pilot?"
JORDAN
Kevin hasn't answered my call back yet. It should be any minute.
MATT
All right, watch this. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrring! [He points, and her phone rings.] There it is!
DANNY
Whoa, check it out!
MATT
That is mojo, baby!
DANNY
My boy's got skills!
MATT
Mad skills.
DANNY
That was sick!
MATT
That was some Vulcan mindmeld mojo and I was right in the kitchen!
DANNY
I think you're a prophet.
MATT
How do we find out something like that?
DANNY
Things like this.
MATT
Where was that mojo when I needed it?
DANNY
You had it when you needed it.
MATT
Get the audience back, let me do it again!
JORDAN
Would you shut up?! [on phone] Yeah.
DANNY
I'm going to take you on tour with that phone thing you can do.
MATT
Once the show gets out there you cannot get it back. You cannot unring a bell.
DANNY
It was a good sh --
MATT
Stop saying it was a good show!
JORDAN
Shhh!
DANNY
We're talking quietly.
JORDAN
They're exclusive.
MATT
Well, I don't know what that was about, then.
JORDAN
Wait. They have an exception.
MATT
For what?
JORDAN
You're kidding.
DANNY
For what?
JORDAN
They have an option for Peripheral Vision Man. Thanks, Kevin.
DANNY
When's the option up?
JORDAN
In about an hour and a half.
CAL
It's tied again.
MATT
Are Ricky and Ron still here?
CAL
They're supervising the as-aired script. What's going on?
DANNY
We're pretty sure the co-execs are going to quit tonight.
CAL
Huh, well.
MATT
Guys --
RICKY
You haven't gone to the party yet?
MATT
No. Lucy, Darius, can you give us the room a second? [They leave.] What's going on with Peripheral Vision Man?
RICKY
You know, maybe it'd be better if we let the agents do their jobs at this point.
MATT
Okay. [He goes to leave.]
RON
No, wait. Hold on. Ricky --
RICKY
We set Peripheral Vision Man up at FOX. They ordered six half-hours for midseason, Ron and I are going to run it, we weren't allowed to say anything because --
MATT
You weren't allowed?
RICKY
You know how it is.
MATT
I don't, actually.
RICKY
NBS Studios has the option until midnight, so --
MATT
You left final draft in half hour format instead of 40-second page! That's why we got a plea for peace in Indiana from Jessica Simpson!
RON
We know, we're sorry about that.
RICKY
I'll tell you what, we thought you'd be thrilled.
MATT
Yeah?
RICKY
You get us out of here without having to eat our contracts!
MATT
Peripheral Vision Man isn't any good, Ricky. And Studio 60 is a brand, and so am I, and people are going to assume that I had something to do with it!
RICKY
Why isn't it good, Matt? Because you didn't write it?
MATT
It isn't good because it isn't good.
RICKY
Then have McDeere tie up the option again; she'll do whatever the cool guys tell her to do.
MATT
That's the first time anyone's accused me of being cool.
Excuse me. Sorry about the timing.
MATT
What happened?
CAL
It was my fault.
MATT
What happened?!
CAL
It was my fault.
MATT
I'm about to go to a party where 17 people will ask me what happened.
CAL
Tell them it was my fault.
MATT
I can't blame other people for the same reason you can't blame other people so I need to blame him. What happened?
CAL
Ricky and Ron didn't switch the format back to 40-second page.
MATT
Why didn't you say so? I'm never so happy as when it's Ricky and Ron.
CAL
That's why I didn't say so.
DANNY
Switch back from what?
CAL
What?
DANNY
Why were they off 40-second page?
CAL
They were working in half-hour format.
DANNY
Why?
MATT
They're writing a pilot script.
DANNY
Do you know anything about this?
MATT
No, do you?
DANNY
No. Do you?
CAL
No.
DANNY
Do you?
MATT
Are they allowed to shop a pilot?
JORDAN
What do you care?
MATT
Aren't they exclusive?
JORDAN
I'm sure they can write whatever they want on spec.
DANNY
Not if they're banking good material instead of giving it to him.
MATT
I don't think Ricky and Ron have a secret treasure trove of good material they've been saving for an occasion.
JORDAN
Then why do you care?
MATT
I don't; I just want to screw with them? How can we find out if they're allowed to do this?
JORDAN
All right. My assistant Kevin is still at the office. If I have him pull the contract and read it, will you two have a serious conversation with me about product placement?
DANNY
What's serious?
JORDAN
You have to listen while I speak.
DANNY
Hmm. No, this I cannot do.
MATT
Call your assistant.
JORDAN
What was it you wanted to talk to me about?
DANNY
Just something Jack said on the way to Nevada.
JORDAN
What?
DANNY
We'll do this first.
JORDAN
I won't be able to concentrate! [on phone] Kevin, it's me. Can you pull the contracts on Richard Tahoe and Ron Oswald? I'm going to hang on. [to Matt and Danny] While I'm thinking of it, are either of you particularly attached to Peripheral Vision Man?
DANNY AND MATT
No.
DANNY
Why?
JORDAN
There's an option on underlying material that expires today. I can renew it for about a hundred dollars if you want.
MATT
Save the money.
DANNY
And now I don't have to fire anybody.
JORDAN
[on phone] Thank you. [to Danny] If 15 people are willing to split 100 dollars. [on phone] Can you search for language about exclusivity and call me back? I'll be on my cell. Thanks. [hangs up]
MATT
Do we have an answer on "Can Ricky and Ron be writing a pilot?"
JORDAN
Kevin hasn't answered my call back yet. It should be any minute.
MATT
All right, watch this. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrring! [He points, and her phone rings.] There it is!
DANNY
Whoa, check it out!
MATT
That is mojo, baby!
DANNY
My boy's got skills!
MATT
Mad skills.
DANNY
That was sick!
MATT
That was some Vulcan mindmeld mojo and I was right in the kitchen!
DANNY
I think you're a prophet.
MATT
How do we find out something like that?
DANNY
Things like this.
MATT
Where was that mojo when I needed it?
DANNY
You had it when you needed it.
MATT
Get the audience back, let me do it again!
JORDAN
Would you shut up?! [on phone] Yeah.
DANNY
I'm going to take you on tour with that phone thing you can do.
MATT
Once the show gets out there you cannot get it back. You cannot unring a bell.
DANNY
It was a good sh --
MATT
Stop saying it was a good show!
JORDAN
Shhh!
DANNY
We're talking quietly.
JORDAN
They're exclusive.
MATT
Well, I don't know what that was about, then.
JORDAN
Wait. They have an exception.
MATT
For what?
JORDAN
You're kidding.
DANNY
For what?
JORDAN
They have an option for Peripheral Vision Man. Thanks, Kevin.
DANNY
When's the option up?
JORDAN
In about an hour and a half.
CAL
It's tied again.
MATT
Are Ricky and Ron still here?
CAL
They're supervising the as-aired script. What's going on?
DANNY
We're pretty sure the co-execs are going to quit tonight.
CAL
Huh, well.
MATT
Guys --
RICKY
You haven't gone to the party yet?
MATT
No. Lucy, Darius, can you give us the room a second? [They leave.] What's going on with Peripheral Vision Man?
RICKY
You know, maybe it'd be better if we let the agents do their jobs at this point.
MATT
Okay. [He goes to leave.]
RON
No, wait. Hold on. Ricky --
RICKY
We set Peripheral Vision Man up at FOX. They ordered six half-hours for midseason, Ron and I are going to run it, we weren't allowed to say anything because --
MATT
You weren't allowed?
RICKY
You know how it is.
MATT
I don't, actually.
RICKY
NBS Studios has the option until midnight, so --
MATT
You left final draft in half hour format instead of 40-second page! That's why we got a plea for peace in Indiana from Jessica Simpson!
RON
We know, we're sorry about that.
RICKY
I'll tell you what, we thought you'd be thrilled.
MATT
Yeah?
RICKY
You get us out of here without having to eat our contracts!
MATT
Peripheral Vision Man isn't any good, Ricky. And Studio 60 is a brand, and so am I, and people are going to assume that I had something to do with it!
RICKY
Why isn't it good, Matt? Because you didn't write it?
MATT
It isn't good because it isn't good.
RICKY
Then have McDeere tie up the option again; she'll do whatever the cool guys tell her to do.
MATT
That's the first time anyone's accused me of being cool.
And I don't think you know Jordan McDeere very well, because she has yet to do anything that anyone has told her to do.
"Matt, Danny, we have this opportunity to do this thing at FOX. Will you help us out?"
That's how a Man talks.
Do you care that we didn't do a very good show tonight?
RICKY
I thought it was fine, Matt. But I'm sorry if your ego can't sustain a week of not being called a genius.
MATT
[looking at script] Descent is spelled with a "s".
RON
Are you going to let us have it?
MATT
I don't know. Without the "s" it's "decent."
MATT
Yeah, it's all true.
JORDAN
What?
MATT
They've got a set-up at FOX for midseason. It's a put pilot with six on the air. You didn't know about any of this?
JORDAN
Business affairs asked me if I wanted to hold on to the option and I asked you.
MATT
With an hour and a half left.
JORDAN
I really didn't anticipate anyone wanting to do Peripheral Vision Man as a series.
MATT
Nether did I, but I also didn't anticipate FOX airing a contest of strength between an Elephant and a Group of Dwarves.
JORDAN
That one caught us all by surprise. Hey, lighten up, Matt. You've been wanting to get rid of these guys since you got here.
MATT
It's going to cut into work time if I have to go door-to-door to everyone in America and explain to them that I didn't write Peripheral Vision Man.
RICKY
I thought it was fine, Matt. But I'm sorry if your ego can't sustain a week of not being called a genius.
MATT
[looking at script] Descent is spelled with a "s".
RON
Are you going to let us have it?
MATT
I don't know. Without the "s" it's "decent."
MATT
Yeah, it's all true.
JORDAN
What?
MATT
They've got a set-up at FOX for midseason. It's a put pilot with six on the air. You didn't know about any of this?
JORDAN
Business affairs asked me if I wanted to hold on to the option and I asked you.
MATT
With an hour and a half left.
JORDAN
I really didn't anticipate anyone wanting to do Peripheral Vision Man as a series.
MATT
Nether did I, but I also didn't anticipate FOX airing a contest of strength between an Elephant and a Group of Dwarves.
JORDAN
That one caught us all by surprise. Hey, lighten up, Matt. You've been wanting to get rid of these guys since you got here.
MATT
It's going to cut into work time if I have to go door-to-door to everyone in America and explain to them that I didn't write Peripheral Vision Man.
The show is making a massive comeback. This is the world's stupidest time to have an ugly stepchild out there!
JORDAN
You want me to pick up the option?
MATT
Yes, please. Lock up the option and shut the thing down.
JORDAN
What was I doing?
DANNY
Jordan.
JORDAN
What was I doing?
MATT
You were calling to tie up the option.
JORDAN
Yeah.
MATT
Wait.
JORDAN
What?
MATT
This just doesn't feel right. How much time can you give me?
JORDAN
The option's up in an hour and 13 minutes, so I can give you about an hour.
MATT
All right, I'll be back in a few minutes.
DANNY
Where are you going?
MATT
Just walking around.
DANNY
Listen --
JORDAN
No.
[Writers' room.]
LUCY
I am finished.
RICKY
It's done.
LUCY
I meant my career.
RICKY
That is just not true. Plus, if things don't work out for you here, you can always go back and write Benny Hill.
LUCY
Bite me.
RICKY
Give me a kiss.
LUCY
Don't think so.
MATT
Hi. [Lucy stand up and snogs him.]
LUCY
[to Ricky] That was to be mean to you. Goodbye.
MATT
[to Darius] You just keep on walking.
DARIUS
Yes, sir.
MATT
I think you both put up with a lot of crap and humiliation from me, and I'm going to let you go.
RON
Really?
MATT
Yeah, but I don't think you should.
RICKY
Why not?
MATT
Because Peripheral Vision Man isn't going to be good. It'll get canceled, you'll be out of work, and I won't be able to hire you back here.
RICKY
I knew it. You couldn't let us out of the door without a handshake.
MATT
Rick, I'm not talking... I'm not talking about old stuff. I'm telling you this writer to writer. You're going to get killed and you're taking him with you.
RICKY
He is a grown man who makes up his own mind. And he's not the only one I'm taking with me.
MATT
Who else?
RICKY
Everybody.
MATT
Yeah?
RICKY
You get Lucy and the new guy.
MATT
Darius.
RICKY
Yeah.
RON
Guys, let's not end it like this.
RICKY
I don't care how we end it, as long as we end it.
MATT
Rick --
RICKY
Listen --
MATT
Rick! The primetime landscape isn't the same as when we were coming up. There are maybe half as many jobs for comedy writers now as there were then. Stop being mad at me.
RICKY
We should stop being mad at you? We could write the greatest sketch in the world, we could write the damn 2000 year old man, and you wouldn't recognize it because it came from us!
MATT
Maybe, but that's not why I'm telling you this.
You're two of our guys, you have a history here, and I'm looking out for you.
RICKY
I'm moved. That is so typically --
RON
Ricky --
RICKY
-- condescending of you, you narcissistic horse's ass!
When Harry realizes she's already found the man of her dreams, I hope she screws him right in front of you.
RON
Rick! Enough!
RICKY
The writers all have options to come work with me on this.
You can keep them here with a salary and title bump.
The show sucked tonight, and no, I don't care.
RON
I've been his partner my whole career.
You know, it's like you and Danny.
MATT
Ron --
RON
And nobody noticed he got dropped on his head when you guys came here.
In the press, in the network... in this building, Matt.
Nobody noticed in this building. I'll see you.
MATT
Ronny?
RON
Yeah?
MATT
You're using voiceover?
RON
We need it for the exposition.
MATT
Voiceover's going to kill you.
Use a sidekick, a character you introduce in the beginning of the first episode.
Colorblind Boy, Cataract Kid... give him somebody to talk to.
RON
That's a good note.
I appreciate it.
MATT
Don't tell him it came from me.
LUCY
Are we going to be fired?
MATT
Nope, you're just going to wish you'd been.
DANNY
Room in the budget, words I love.
MATT
Actually, there's going to be a lot more room in the budget than you think for a while.
JORDAN
Why?
MATT
Let the rights go. Let Ricky and Ron go, too.
DANNY
You sure?
MATT
Yeah. And we're going to be letting most of the writing staff go with them.
DANNY
How many is most?
MATT
Everyone except Lucy and Darius.
DANNY
Lucy's never had a sketch on and Darius has been working here 5 days.
MATT
We'll staff back up.
DANNY
Until we do it'll just be you and two freshman writers.
MATT
That's two more than I had before. It's going to be fine.
JORDAN
You want me to pick up the option?
MATT
Yes, please. Lock up the option and shut the thing down.
JORDAN
What was I doing?
DANNY
Jordan.
JORDAN
What was I doing?
MATT
You were calling to tie up the option.
JORDAN
Yeah.
MATT
Wait.
JORDAN
What?
MATT
This just doesn't feel right. How much time can you give me?
JORDAN
The option's up in an hour and 13 minutes, so I can give you about an hour.
MATT
All right, I'll be back in a few minutes.
DANNY
Where are you going?
MATT
Just walking around.
DANNY
Listen --
JORDAN
No.
[Writers' room.]
LUCY
I am finished.
RICKY
It's done.
LUCY
I meant my career.
RICKY
That is just not true. Plus, if things don't work out for you here, you can always go back and write Benny Hill.
LUCY
Bite me.
RICKY
Give me a kiss.
LUCY
Don't think so.
MATT
Hi. [Lucy stand up and snogs him.]
LUCY
[to Ricky] That was to be mean to you. Goodbye.
MATT
[to Darius] You just keep on walking.
DARIUS
Yes, sir.
MATT
I think you both put up with a lot of crap and humiliation from me, and I'm going to let you go.
RON
Really?
MATT
Yeah, but I don't think you should.
RICKY
Why not?
MATT
Because Peripheral Vision Man isn't going to be good. It'll get canceled, you'll be out of work, and I won't be able to hire you back here.
RICKY
I knew it. You couldn't let us out of the door without a handshake.
MATT
Rick, I'm not talking... I'm not talking about old stuff. I'm telling you this writer to writer. You're going to get killed and you're taking him with you.
RICKY
He is a grown man who makes up his own mind. And he's not the only one I'm taking with me.
MATT
Who else?
RICKY
Everybody.
MATT
Yeah?
RICKY
You get Lucy and the new guy.
MATT
Darius.
RICKY
Yeah.
RON
Guys, let's not end it like this.
RICKY
I don't care how we end it, as long as we end it.
MATT
Rick --
RICKY
Listen --
MATT
Rick! The primetime landscape isn't the same as when we were coming up. There are maybe half as many jobs for comedy writers now as there were then. Stop being mad at me.
RICKY
We should stop being mad at you? We could write the greatest sketch in the world, we could write the damn 2000 year old man, and you wouldn't recognize it because it came from us!
MATT
Maybe, but that's not why I'm telling you this.
You're two of our guys, you have a history here, and I'm looking out for you.
RICKY
I'm moved. That is so typically --
RON
Ricky --
RICKY
-- condescending of you, you narcissistic horse's ass!
When Harry realizes she's already found the man of her dreams, I hope she screws him right in front of you.
RON
Rick! Enough!
RICKY
The writers all have options to come work with me on this.
You can keep them here with a salary and title bump.
The show sucked tonight, and no, I don't care.
RON
I've been his partner my whole career.
You know, it's like you and Danny.
MATT
Ron --
RON
And nobody noticed he got dropped on his head when you guys came here.
In the press, in the network... in this building, Matt.
Nobody noticed in this building. I'll see you.
MATT
Ronny?
RON
Yeah?
MATT
You're using voiceover?
RON
We need it for the exposition.
MATT
Voiceover's going to kill you.
Use a sidekick, a character you introduce in the beginning of the first episode.
Colorblind Boy, Cataract Kid... give him somebody to talk to.
RON
That's a good note.
I appreciate it.
MATT
Don't tell him it came from me.
LUCY
Are we going to be fired?
MATT
Nope, you're just going to wish you'd been.
DANNY
Room in the budget, words I love.
MATT
Actually, there's going to be a lot more room in the budget than you think for a while.
JORDAN
Why?
MATT
Let the rights go. Let Ricky and Ron go, too.
DANNY
You sure?
MATT
Yeah. And we're going to be letting most of the writing staff go with them.
DANNY
How many is most?
MATT
Everyone except Lucy and Darius.
DANNY
Lucy's never had a sketch on and Darius has been working here 5 days.
MATT
We'll staff back up.
DANNY
Until we do it'll just be you and two freshman writers.
MATT
That's two more than I had before. It's going to be fine.
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