Tuesday, 27 November 2018

Better Dead Than Smeg : Stan Lee




 
28.  Cockpit --

The crew are in their seats. 
 
 Kryten: 
I knew it would be a mistake to see The Future. 
 
Now our
 whole lives will be coloured by the knowledge that we're going to end
 up becoming people we despise. 
 

Rimmer: 
Threat warning -- vessel off the stern! 
They've got a
 missile lock on us! 
 

Lister: 
Our Future Selves are attacking us! 
 
Cat: 
They're nuts! 
 
 Crew experience a jolt (exactly the same type of jolt as
when they enter or leave an unreality pocket).] 
 
 Cat: 
Direct hit! 
 The gyroscope's out! 
 
Kryten: 
They're trying to disable us! 
 
Rimmer: 
Another lock! 
 
Lister: 
Incoming message!
 
 Future Rimmer's face appears on the view-screen.


 
Future Rimmer: 
Gentlemen, we have no intention of being deprived
 of the opulence and luxury the time drive provides. 
 
 Either you
 give us access to the data we require, 
or be prepared to be
 blasted out of the sky. 
 
Kryten: 
But if you kill us, you'll cease to exist. 
 
Future Rimmer: 
Better that than to be forced to live like you,
 like rats trapped together, marooned in deep space. 
Your answer -- thirty seconds. 
 
View-screen message ends. 
 
 Cat: 
So what do we do? 
 
Rimmer:  
Have we got any chance of winning? 
 
Kryten: 
Their craft is greatly upgraded. 
 We have no chance
 whatsoever.
 
Rimmer: 
Then I say fight
 
(dramatic chord of music
 
Kryten: 
Mr. Rimmer? 
 
Rimmer:
Better Dead Than Smeg! 
 
Lister: 
Cheers!  
Cat? 
 
Cat: 
Better Dead Than Sofa-Sized Butt
 
Lister: 
Kryten? 
 
Kryten: 
Better Anything Than That Toupee! 
 
Lister: 
Shields up! 
Arming lasers! 
 
Cat: 
Bringing her around. 
 
Kryten: 
Target acquired! 
 
Lister: 
Locking on -- firing! 
 
(pushes button
 
Rimmer: 
Direct hit! 
 
Kryten: 
Starbug thrusters! 
Nice shooting, sir! 
 
 
Cat: 
Bringing her around to reserve. 
 
Rimmer: 
Threat warning! 
They've got a lock on us! 
 
Lister: 
I'm going for the main fuel tank! 
 
Kryten:
 They're in your sight! 
 
Lister: 
Locked on -- fire! 
 
Lister's console blows up, and Lister is showered in sparks.  He
is sent flying to the floor near Kryten. 
 (Note: this time when
they are hit, they do not experience the same jolting effect) 
 
Kryten: 
Mr. Lister!
 
Cat: 
Is he okay? 
 
Kryten:  
(in shock) 
He's dead, sir! 
 
Rimmer: 
The hull's gonna go. 
 We'll all be dead in a minute. 
 
 Another explosion.  Cat is sent flying on top of Kryten's
console. (Again, the jolting effect is absent) 
 
Rimmer: 
CAT!? 
 
Kryten: 
... Dead. 
... But there may be -- 
 
Another explosion sends Kryten flying. (Still no jolting!) 
A
very concerned Rimmer hurries to Kryten's body. 
 
Rimmer: 
Kryten?!  There may be a what?  A way out of this? 
Is
 that what you were gonna say? 
 ... Speak, Kryten! 
 
How can we
 change what's happening?! 
 
A look of realization comes over his face.  While Starbug is
being rocked with explosions, he hurries to the Mid-section
where he grabs the bazookoid.  He kicks open a smashed door and
runs through the ship. 
 
Avoiding the falling pieces of ceiling,
he arrives at the engine room.  He takes aim at the time drive
and pulls the trigger on the bazookoid.  The time drive is
destroyed. 
 
 29.  Shot of Starbug moving through space. 
 
A laser blast hits it
and it is completely destroyed. 
 
 
Caption: 
TO BE CONTINUED









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