Faith, The Vampire Slayer

Faith meets Angel Investigations 4x13 || Angel

We're caught in the middle of a maelstrom, 

and we can't get out without our champion. 

28     INT.     LOBBY AT HOTEL / ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS

Fred lights white candles as Lorne reads off the incantation.

LORNE

(reading) Violence restrained, demons disarmed. 

For mortals within these walls, no harm. 

Protection and safety this charm doth endow 

to make this shelter a sanctuary now. (with big hand gestures)

Everyone looks around, waiting for something to happen.

GUNN

That it?

LORNE

Well, if we followed the recipe...should be cake. A demon violence-free zone cake.

FRED

I don't know, Lorne. It doesn't feel like anything's different.

CONNOR

(walks away to sit down on the couch) 'Cause it's not. Like every other lame spell you people try, it didn't work. It never works. I've pretty much concluded that magic sucks. I mean, if I were you guys, I wo—

Lorne sneaks up behind Connor and tries to hit him with a candlestick, but a force field stops him and sends him backward.

LORNE

See? It works sometimes. Oh. It also smarts like the dickens. (leans against the front desk in pain)

WESLEY

(walks in from the basement) Sanctuary spell's working?

LORNE

Yeah, like a charm. Literally.

WESLEY

Good. It'll make this easier.

GUNN

Make what easier?

WESLEY

Where's Cordelia?

FRED

Upstairs asleep. She still feels weak.

GUNN

Make what easier?

WESLEY

(putting on his coat) We're going to bring Angelus in alive.

CONNOR

No, we're not.

GUNN

I thought you said capturing him wasn't an option.

WESLEY

Changed my mind.

CONNOR

Change it back.

WESLEY

We get rid of Angelus, then what? We still have a beast we don't know how to kill. We know it's working for something much worse, but we don't know what it is. We're caught in the middle of a maelstrom, and we can't get out without our champion. We're gonna save Angel, and I know who we need to help us do it.

Cut to:

29     INT.     PRISON VISITING ROOM - DAY

Faith walks down a corridor of prison bars into a visiting room where prisoners sit on one side of a table, and visitors on the other. 

Prisoner and visitor talk to each other through phone handsets, 

separated from one another by a pane of glass. 

Faith sits in a chair opposite Wesley.

FAITH

(picks up the phone, talks into it) 

They told me my lawyer was here to see me. 

You my lawyer now, Wes?

WESLEY

(to phone) 

Hello, Faith. How are you?

FAITH

Still Alive. Never thought I'd live long enough 

to see you paying me a visit.

WESLEY

A lot's happened.

FAITH

Whatever it is suits you. 

I mean, you're looking... (checks him out) good.

WESLEY

You know what's going on in L.A.?

FAITH

Seen the news, sure. 

Never-ending Night, Rain of Fire. 

Team Angel must really have their hands full.

WESLEY

You don't know the half of it.

FAITH

(leans forward) 

But you're here to fill in 

the blanks for me. Why?

WESLEY

We need you.

FAITH

(sarcastically) 

Well, uh, I hate to wet the paper for you, 

Wes, but I'm kinda unavailable right now. 

Maybe you want to check back in a few decades 

when my parole comes up.

WESLEY

You need to know—

FAITH

It's Armageddon time. I dig. 

The Last Thing You Meed's me in the mix.

 

Besides, Angel'll come shining through 

in the end like he always does.

WESLEY

Angel's gone, Faith. 

(Faith stops) 

Angelus is Back.

 

(Faith stares at Wesley worriedly)

FAITH

(deadpan) 

Step away from The Glass.

Faith hangs up the phone. 

Wesley stares at her, then hangs up his phone and steps back as Faith stands and jumps through the glass headfirst. 

She tumbles and stands, ready to fight off the security guard. 

Faith and Wes jump through the outside window.

Cut to:

30     EXT.     PRISON BUILDING - DAY

Faith and Wesley land on a car roof, smashing it in and busting the windows. They jumped to the ground.

FAITH

You OK?

WESLEY

Five by five.

Fade to black.

ACT III:

31     INT.     WESLEY'S JEEP

Faith changes clothes in the back seat as Wesley drives them both back to Los Angeles.

FAITH

A kid. Angel's got a kid.

WESLEY

Connor.

FAITH

A teenage kid born last year.

WESLEY

I told you he grew up in a hell dimension.

FAITH

Right. And, what, Cordelia spent her last summer as—

WESLEY

A divine being.

FAITH

Uh-huh. (climbs into the front passenger seat) Can I just ask—what the hell are you people doing?

WESLEY

Leading complicated lives, obviously.

FAITH

Unleashing Angelus to help you stop this demon who put the lights out. That's just...

WESLEY

The Beast. The demon who put out the lights—called the Beast.

FAITH

(shakes her head) 

Gas to the flame's all I'm saying.

WESLEY

I wouldn't worry about the police coming after you. Not yet. With everything that's happening, an escaped convict won't even register on their radar.

FAITH

(looks out the window) 

I'm not gonna kill him, Wesley. 

Angelus. 

(shakes her head) 

I don't care what you thought you sprung me for. 

Angel's the only one in my life who's never given up on me. 

There's no way I'm giving up on—

WESLEY

I know. That's why it had to be you. 

Just wondering if you're up to it. (stops the car)

FAITH

If I'm—?

WESLEY

You have no idea what it's like out there. It's a vampire demon free-for-all all the time. Maybe you're a little rusty.

FAITH

(nods) Maybe I am.

WESLEY

Maybe we should find out.

FAITH

What did you have in—

A vampire reaches in through the rolled-down window to grab Faith by the hair and pull her out of the car. Wesley opens his car door into a vampire, knocking it to the ground. The vampire gets up, but Wesley knocks him down again. It gets up, but Wes stops him.

WESLEY

Ah. (points over his shoulder to Faith) She's the one you want.

The vampire looks over to see Faith's fighting off a couple of vampires at once.

VAMPIRE

Slayer. (panics and runs away)

Faith's still fighting off the vampires. Wesley tosses a stake to her. She stakes and dusts the vampires with ease.

WESLEY

Thought you could use a little release. Feel natural?

FAITH

(shrugs) Ah, it's like riding a biker.

Cut to:

32     INT.     LOBBY AT HOTEL / ANGEL INVESTIGATIONS

Connor's upstairs practicing sword-fighting on the balcony. Gunn's in the lobby loading his crossbow. Lorne and Fred are also there.

LORNE

Oh, relax, boys. The spell's working. And I still got the slight migraine to prove it.

GUNN

Yeah, maybe so, but if Angelus shows up, I wanna be ready.

Wesley and Faith walk in through the front doors.

WESLEY

We are...now.

FAITH

Suh-weet crib.

WESLEY

Everyone, this is Faith, the vampire slayer.

FRED

Hello, Faith, I'm—

FAITH

Fred. Yeah, Wes kinda gave me the skinny on you.

FRED

Oh.

CORDELIA

(walking down the stairs into the lobby) Faith? What the hell is she doing here?

FAITH

(waves) Nice to see you too, Cor.

WESLEY

She's here to help.

CORDELIA

Oh, gee, that's great. Oh, wait a sec. Wasn't she convicted of murder and sent to a state correctional facility for like a gazillion years?

FAITH

(smirks) Murder 2, 25 to life, for the record.

CORDELIA

So now you brought psycho slayer out of retirement to kill Angelus?

FAITH

(walks up to Cordelia) Cordelia, you have every right to feel that way about me. You have no reason to trust me, but I don't have loads of time, so why don't we save it until after this is over. Cool? (claps her hands) OK, let's get down to it. We're gonna keep this hunting party tight. Gunn, right?

GUNN

Yeah.

FAITH

Love the name. I hear you're a good fighter.

GUNN

I hold my own.

FAITH

That's a shame. You're with me, Wes, and the kid.

CONNOR

The kid has a name.

FAITH

(turns to look at Connor) Connor. (to Gunn) Arm yourself how you like, but I want you to carry the tranq gun. If I can't take him down, I want you to be ready to take the shot, yeah? (to everyone) In case anyone has any other ideas, this is a salvage mission, not search and destroy, OK?

CONNOR

No. Not OK. You think you can just breeze in here, telling everyone what to do? You're not a part of this. If you think I'm not gonna kill Angelus if he comes at me, then—

FAITH

(in his face) Listen up, junior. When need a blood hound, I'll call you. If Angelus needs putting down, I'll be the one to do it, not you. So... is there anything else you're not OK with? Good. (walks away from Connor) Show me the weapons.

Cut to:

33     EXT.     STREET IN LOS ANGELES

A young woman's running away from two vampires who are chasing her. Angelus steps up to her and puts his arm around her.

YOUNG WOMAN

Help me.

ANGELUS

It's all right, doll. I've got you. Shh.

YOUNG WOMAN

I don't know how to thank you.

ANGELUS

(in vamp face, turns to the woman) I do. Scream for me.

YOUNG WOMAN

(screaming) Aah!

Angelus goes to bite the woman, but is interrupted when he overhears three other vampires talking in the street.

VAMPIRE 3

The slayer? You sure?

VAMPIRE 4

I just got word. She's in town.

Angelus smiles and lets the woman go. He goes to a phone booth, dials.

ANGELUS

(to phone) Hi, Dawn. Yeah, it's me. 

Is your sister home? 

She is...? 

(hangs up) 

It's The Other One....

Cut to:

34     EXT.     STREET IN LOS ANGELES

Faith, Connor, Wesley, and Gunn are walking down the street, looking for Angelus.

CONNOR

(to Faith) So, vampire slayers. I was told about them. How come you're always girls?

FAITH

I dunno. Better at it, I guess.

CONNOR

You haven't seen what I can do.

FAITH

Let's not.

They come up to a chain link fence.

CONNOR

He was here. Just.

Connor goes through the fence; the others follow.

FAITH

Eyes and ears peeled. Watch the periph. Hey, nobody make a move until I—

A vampire jumps out in front of Connor. Connor immediately swings his sword at the vampire's neck, cutting off its head, and dusting it. Faith pushes him against the dumpster nearby.

FAITH

You deficient? What did I just say?

CONNOR

He was attacking!

FAITH

You thought it was Angelus. (lets him go) You can't listen, you're no good to me. (to Gunn and Wesley) Get him out of here. Someone take him back to the hotel.

CONNOR

What?

GUNN

Yeah, easier said. 

The kid's got a history of not doing what he's told.

FAITH

(nods, glares at Connor) 

He'll do what I tell him.

CONNOR

Yeah, sure I will. 

(nods and walks away)

FAITH

(stops Connor, pushes him against the dumpster again; he tries to fight her off, but to no avail) 

I get it. You're a super-being.

Connor pushes Faith away, but she engages him. They fight as Gunn and Wesley look on, not stepping in. Finally, Faith points her crossbow at Connor's neck.

FAITH

Are you a murderer? 

'Cause I am.

 

If it comes down to You or Angelus, 

you haven't shown me a thing 

to make me want to take your side.

Connor raises his hands and backs away. 

He picks up his sword and walks away.

GUNN

I like her. 

(follows Connor)

FAITH

(to Wes) 

Come on.

Watch My Dreams

The SIMULANT CAPTAIN's face appears on the monitor.

SIMULANT CAPTAIN: 

We have made some improvements to your craft.  

Now at least you may prove to be of some small amusement.

SIMULANT LIEUTENANT: 

You have two Earth minutes before we attack.

RIMMER: 

Let's get out of here.

CAT: 

Wait, I know This Game.  

It's called Cat and Mouse, 

and there's only one way to win -- 

Don't Be The Mouse.

LISTER: 

What are you saying?

CAT: 

I'm saying, 

The Mouse never wins.  

Not unless you believe those

  lying cartoons.  

We Don't Run, We Strike.  

It's The Last Thing They'll Be Expecting.

RIMMER: 

No, The Last Thing They'll Be Expecting 

is for us to turn into ice-skating mongooses 

and to dance The Bolero.  

And your plan makes

 about as much sense.

LISTER: 

I Say "Go with it."

KRYTEN: 

Agreed.

CAT: 

You're gonna go with one of my plans?  

Are you nuts?  

What happens if we all get killed?  

I'll never hear the last of it!

13 Model Shot.

Starbug pivots in flight 

and fires it's new laser cannons into the side

of the simulant ship.

14 Int. Simulant Ship.

The simulants look worried.

SIMULANT CAPTAIN: 

What are They doing?  

Power up The Weapons!

15 Int. Starbug Cockpit.

LISTER: 

Nailed Them.

16 Int. Simulant Ship.

SIMULANT LIEUTENANT: 

Fluke hit.

SIMULANT CAPTAIN: 

Take them with Us.

SIMULANT LIEUTENANT: 

Can't return fire.

SIMULANT CAPTAIN: 

Hack into their navigation computer.  

Transmit 

The  Armageddon Virus.

17 Int. Stabug cockpit.

The NaviComp starts to spark.

LISTER: 

What is it ?

KRYTEN: 

The NaviComp, something's wrong.

SIMULANT CAPTAIN: 

(On screen) 

See you in Silicon Hell.

18 Model Shot.

The simulant ship explodes.

19 Int. Starbug Cockpit.

KRYTEN: 

Shutdown all network links.  

The navicomp has been infected with 

A Virus.

LISTER: 

The NaviComp has frozen us out, 

we're locked on this course.  

If we carry on ahead at this speed, 

how long before we hit Trouble?

RIMMER: 

Well if you define 'Trouble' as a rather large moon 

directly in our path, about 38 minutes.

KRYTEN: 

Sir, The Only Solution is for me to 

contract The Virus myself,

  analyze it's structure 

and 

attempt to create a software antidote 

before it wipes out my core program.

Do I have your permission to sacrifice myself, sirs?

RIMMER: 

Do Lemmings like cliffs?  

Granted!

KRYTEN: 

I am going to have to create 

A Dove Program.

CAT: 

Dove program?

KRYTEN: 

A Dove Program spreads Peace through The System, 

obliterating the viral cells as it goes.

KRYTEN puts on head sensors 

and contracts the virus from the navicomp.

KRYTEN: 

The Virus is extremely complex.  

I will have to dedicate all my

  run-time to its solution.  

Shutting down all non essential systems.

LISTER: 

Is there anything we can do?  

Can we help?

KRYTEN: 

WATCH MY DREAMS.

*******

CAT: 

Wait, we're getting something.

21 Ext. Streets Of Laredo. Day.

The Monitor clears and KRYTEN is shown, 

dressed as a Sheriff in an 1800's

Western town.  

He is Drunk.

He throws an empty whisky bottle away 

before pausing before a wanted poster 

of the Apocalypse boys 

and entering a saloon.

22 Int. Ops Room.

CAT: 

What is This?

LISTER: 

I think we've tapped directly into 

whatever passes for Kryten's sub-concious.

CAT: 

Why is he A Sheriff in Some Old Western?

Because The Sheriff is allowed to Kill People -- 

Under Certain Circumstances.

Unlike A Policeman, he is 

Hired, Elected and Paid 

by The Community to DO it.

Because They Can't.

And sometimes, on The Frontier,

People Need to be Killed.

LISTER: 

Must be how his core program is coping with 

The Battle against The Virus.

For whatever reason it's converted The Struggle 

into some kind of dream.

23 Int. Saloon. Day.

Busy.  

A PIANO PLAYER plays a honky tonk version 

of Red Dwarf theme :

KRYTEN enters and tries to steer 

his way towards the bar.  

He passes JIMMY - a smooth oaf, 

playing cards with some unruly COWPOKES.

JIMMY: 

Well, well, well Sheriff, fancy seeing 

A Man of your sober disposition 

in a low-down drinking establishment.

KRYTEN: 

Now, now boys, I don't want any Trouble.  

Just doing my rounds.

As KRYTEN steps toward the bar JIMMY trips him up.

KRYTEN: 

You shouldn't ought to have done that Jimmy.

There is a scrape of stools and tables 

and JIMMY stands, hands on guns.

JIMMY: 

Why don't you try it, Sheriff.  

They say you used to be faster

  than a toilet stop in rattlesnake country.

KRYTEN: 

Sorry I tripped over your boot there Mr Jimmy, sir.  Arrrhhheeemm.

  Didn't mean any harm by it.

KRYTEN turns to the bar.

KRYTEN: 

Give me two fingers of your best sipping liquor, Miss Lola, 

and make it the smooth stuff — 

The stuff where you get your eyesight back after two days.  Guaranteed.

JIMMY: 

( Looking out of The Saloon Doors )

The Apocalypse Boys is Here.  

( General Panic, giving way to hushed silence. )

They's asking for you, Sheriff.

KRYTEN: 

I'll be right out.

KRYTEN takes numerous gulps of whisky 

before leaving the saloon to face

The Apocalypse Boys on The Porch.

24 Ext. Streets Of Laredo. Day.

The FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE 

sit menacingly on horseback outside the saloon. 

The bat-wing doors part and a nervous 

KRYTEN emerges swigging from a bottle of hooch.

KRYTEN: 

I don't believe I've had the pleasures, sirs.

DEATH spits out some chewing tobacco, 

which fizzles on the street like acid.

DEATH: 

The Name's Death.  

And These Here're My Brothers.  

Brother War...

WAR laughs and flames shoot out of his mouth.

DEATH: 

Brother Famine...

Fat FAMINE nods and takes a bite of chicken.

DEATH: 

and Brother Pestilence.

PESTILENCE grins, showing horrible broken teeth.  

He swipes idly at the swarm of buzzing flies around his head.

KRYTEN: 

Well, you seem like a nice neighbourly bunch of boys.  

How can I be Of Service?

All FOUR APOCALYPSE BOYS draw, 

shooting KRYTEN's hat off, 

and his bottle from his hand, 

as he dances around trying to avoid the hail of bullets.

Finally the  gunfire stops.

DEATH: 

We want your sorry ass out of Here.  

You got one hour.

DEATH spits a sizzler again, and THE FOUR HORSEMEN turn and gallop under

a dangling sign:  

'YOU ARE NOW LEAVING EXISTENCE'

and as The HORSEMEN

ride under it, They disappear.  

KRYTEN takes off His Sheriff's Star 

and throws it on The Ground.

25 Int. Ops Room.

LISTER: 

He's losing The Battle. 

Look at his lifesigns, they're barely registering.

CAT: 

Isn't there some way we can 

Get in There and Help Him?  

Somehow turn ourselves 

into tiny electronic people 

and get into His Dream?  

Isn't there some sort of gizmo 

lying around someplace that can do that?  

And if not, (slaps table) why not?!

RIMMER: 

Look, I think we've all got something 

we can bring to this discussion.

But I think from now on, 

the thing you should bring is Silence.

LISTER: 

No, no, no, I think he's got something.

CAT: 

Twice in one lifetime!  

When you're hot, you're hot.

LISTER: 

If we link up the Artificial Reality console to Kryten's Mind, 

we should be able to project directly into his dream state 

like it was a normal Computer Game.

CAT: 

What did I tell you?  

We don't even have to leave the room!

RIMMER: 

What about me?

LISTER: 

We'll shut all extraneous systems 

and power up your hard-light drive.

Come on guys, lets get these wagons rolling.