Capes and Capers

The Exorcist :

Colonel, do me a favor? Please?

Explain to this moron here that 

in none of the plays of Shakespeare 

can there be a part for Superman.

Sunshine Superman :

There could be, the way I explained it.

The Exorcist :

The way you explained! Jesus!

You know what he wants? You want to hear?

When the conspirators draw their knives, 

he wants to rescue Julius Caesar!

Ready? Swoop down like a rocket, pick him up 

and go hurdling mighty temples 

in one single, incredible bound!

Jesus, Nammack. Are you crazy?

KANE :

Maybe we do need a few restrictions.

The Exorcist :

Colonel.

Colonel.

I'm in Trouble, I need help. 

Immediate help.

Take an enema; call me soon.

Dr. Fell, you're wanted in surgery.

I've been having an argument, a monster... 

and I'll like you to settle it once and for all.

Some Shakespearean -

Hold this please.

Some Shakespearean scho -

Thank you.

Some Shakespearean scholars say, that when Hamlet is pretending he's crazy... 

He really IS crazy,

Correct?

KANE :

That's right.

The Exorcist :

Now, other Shakespearean scholars say, that when Hamlet...

Other Shakespearean scholars say that 

when Hamlet is pretending to be nuts... 

he really isn't nuts, its an act.

Please give me your opinion.

KANE :

I would like to hear your's first.

The Exorcist :

(To the dog, Sir Lawrence, 

who is the one he is having the argument with.)

Terrific psychiatrist.

That's class.

Dr. Fell 

(No, really, he did) :

Pretty...

The Exorcist :

Why don't you go inoculate a fucking armadillo, Fell?

Doctor Fell 

(No, Really, he did.) :

No really, I'm interested. 

I'm terribly interested.

The Exorcist :

Your interests are coextensive 

with on Nero's ass on Sunday morning.

Heady concept, Frankie.

The Exorcist :

Now listen, Colonel — 

Considering how Hamlet is acting... 

is he really and truly crazy?

Kane :

Yes.

Fell :

No.

The Exorcist :

You're BOTH wrong.

Now think what happens:

First The Father dies; 

then His Girl leaves him flat.

Then, there's the appearance by 

His Father's Ghost...

Bad enough, but then 

The Ghost says he was murdered.

And by whom?

By Hamlet's Uncle, 

who recently married Hamlet's Mother!

Now that, by itself is a helluva hangup — 

because Hamlet LIKED His Mother... a LOT!

Kane :

But then we agreed that Hamlet's insane.

The Exorcist :

No, he's not.

He is pretending, but...

If Hamlet HADN’T pretended to BE crazy, 

he would have GONE crazy.

See, Hamlet isn't psycho.

He's hanging on a brink.

A little shove, a little teensy eensy little eensy push, 

and the kid's gone! Bananas! Whacked out!

So his unconscious mind makes

him do what keeps him sane... namely 

acting like he's nuts!

See 'Cause acting crazy...

is a way to let off steam; 

a way to get rid of your 

fucking aggression. 

A way to get rid of your 

fears and your terrors...

If I did what Hamlet does in this play, 

They'd lock me up; 

They'd put me in prison.

They'll punish me, sure!

But Him? 

Prince Royal Garbagemouth 

gets away with murder. 

And why?

Because nuts are not responsible!

Meantime, the crazier Hamlet acts... 

The more he indulges himself, 

the healthier he gets!

Kane :

Yes. I think...

The Exorcist :

I'm waiting.

Kane :

I think I agree with Your Theory.

The Exorcist :

Yes! There!

(to Sir Lawrence, The Dog)

You see? You understand that now,

you dumb stupid idiot?

From Now On, We Do The Scene My Way!

Come On, Sir Lawrence!

God bless your veins and your arteries, Colonel.

Sir Lawrence, you don't know shit...

Astronaut 

Capt. Billy Cutshaw :

Did he buy it?

The Exorcist :

Did he buy it?

Hell, I bought it.

Billy, I think there is something wrong with us.

Kane, The Killer :

Groper, get off the line.

The Hamlet Theory is Correct.

The Majors Tom : GoatBoy

On December 16, 1961, The World turned upside down and inside out, and I was born, screaming, in America.

CUT: Tower Bridge – The Horse and Rider cross The Bridge, approaching the camera

It was the end of the American Dream, just before we lost our innocence irrevocably, 

and the TV Eye brought the horror of our lives 

into our homes for all to see.

CUT: The rider dismounts upon a cobblestoned street, and leads his horse past the burning shells of televisions.

FX: howling wolves

I was told when I grew up, 

I could be anything I wanted – 

A Fireman, a Policeman, a Doctor. 

Even President, it seemed. 

And for the first time in The History of Mankind, something new called 

an 'Astronaut.'

But like many kids growing up on a steady diet of Westerns, 

I always wanted to be The Cowboy Hero :– 

That Lone Voice in The Wilderness 

fighting Corruption and Evil wherever I found it, 

and standing for Freedom, Truth and Justice.

CUT: The Dark Rider throws a lighted match into an oil drum full of newspapers.

And in my Heart of Hearts, 

I still track the remnants of That Dream, 

wherever I go, 

on my never-ending ride 

into The Setting Sun.

The Majors Tom : The Right Stuff

I think there is a Power Greater Than Us 

that will place The Opportunities in Our Way.

Who are you guys?
 

We're aborigines.
Who are you?
 

Me?
I'm an Astronaut.
 

Well, what do you do here, Astronaut?
 

I'm here because a buddy of mine is getting ready to fly overhead. Up in outer space.
And I'll be talking to him on that dish.
 

Fly over?
You blokes do that, too?
 

You do that yourself?
 

Not me, mate.
See that old bloke there?
He know.
He know The Moon.
He know The Star.
And he know the Milky Way.
He'll give you a hand.
He know.

We're gonna need all the help we can get.
 

Stand by for final ten-second count.
The Clock is operating.
We're underway!
Good Lord, ride all the way.
Godspeed, John Glenn.

I was brought up believing that you are placed on Earth...
more or less with a 50-50 proposition.


This is what I still believe.


We're placed here with certain talents and capabilities...
and it's up to each one of us to use those talents as best we can.
And if we use our talents properly...
I think there is a Power Greater Than Us that will place The Opportunities in our way.

She is Black

" Well, I suppose you all know the old story about The Astronaut who went far out into Space, and was asked on his return if he had been to Heaven and seen God. 

And he said 

“Yes.”

So they said 

“Well, What About God?”  

And he said, 

“She is Black.”

 
Our Lady : 
I've told you about the Solitract, right?

The Damsel :
 Literally never heard the word before. Solitract?

Our Lady :
Solitract! It's a theory, a myth, a bedtime story my gran used to tell me.
 
The Damsel :
You had a grandmother?

Our Lady :
I had seven, but Granny Five, my favourite, used to tell me about the Solitract. 
Cos in the beginning - pre-Time, pre-everything - all the laws and elements and nuts and bolts of the universe were there. 

Light, matter, maths, and so on. 

But they couldn't fit together properly, because the Solitract was there.
 
The Damsel :
So what is the Solitract?

Our Lady :
A consciousness, an energy. Our reality cannot work with Solitract energy present. The most basic ideas of the universe just get ruined. Think of it like a kid with chicken pox - nuclear chicken pox - who wants to join in but always ends up infecting everyone else. Our universe cannot work with the Solitract in it.
 
The Damsel :
Your gran told you this as a bedtime story?

Our Lady :
 Only when I had trouble sleeping. 
So, what did our universe do? 
It managed to exile the Solitract to a separate, unreachable existence. The Solitract plane. 
And suddenly, everything makes sense. The universe could finally work because the Solitract had been removed.

The Damsel :
Hang on. Are you saying we're now on the Solitract plane?

Our Lady :
I wish I wasn't but I think I am. I'm scared. 
Are you scared? I'm genuinely terrified!
 
The Damsel : 
This is a separate exiled universe that is also a consciousness.

Our Lady :
That's what Granny Five said. A conscious universe. She also said that Granny Two was a secret agent for the Zygons, but she seems bang on with this one. 

But why? 
Why has the Solitract copied your world, including Grace and Trine, and built a doorway to our universe?
 
The Damsel :
When you put it like that, it sounds like a trap. 









— WHITEOUT —


Our Lady : 
Er, why is there a frog in here?
(A frog sitting on a simple wooden chair with a three spindle back and splayed legs.)

SOLITRACT: 

You said I could stop being Trine.

Our Lady : 

The Solitract is a frog? 

Who talks like Grace?

SOLITRACT: 

My own form is endless, but this frog is a form that delights me, as it once delighted Grace.

Our Lady : 

Ah, and there's me thinking the day had no more surprises left.

SOLITRACT: 

Now, please, tell me of your universe.

Our Lady : 

You think words can do it justice? 

It's really big... and incredibly beautiful. 

And, apparently, I've just said goodbye to it. But the thing I'm going to miss the most is the people. 

My friends.

SOLITRACT: 

I will be that. 

We will be that. 

Friends!

Our Lady : 

Right, me and a conscious universe masquerading as a frog, BFFs.

(The Doctor's hands start to flicker.)

Our Lady : 

Whoa! Did you just see that? 

Cos I wouldn't be much of a friend to you if I didn't point out you're not in control of this.

SOLITRACT: 
You're wrong. This is my plane. I control everything here.

DOCTOR: 
So you can see that it's still destabilising? 

Me being here is going to kill us both. 

You may want us to be together, but it's not working. It can never work.

SOLITRACT: 
You're lying to me because you want to leave.

Our Lady : 

No. I'm your friend. 

But friends help each other face up to their problems, not avoid them. 

This is... You are the maddest, most beautiful thing I've ever experienced, and I haven't even scratched the surface. 

I wish I could stay. But if either of us are going to survive, you're going to have to let me go and keep on being brilliant by yourself.

SOLITRACT: 
I miss you. 
I miss it all so much.

Our Lady : 

I know. But if you do this, I promise, you and I will be friends forever. 

You have to let me go.

SOLITRACT: 
I will dream of you out there without me.

(The Doctor backs away and blows a kiss.)

Our Lady : 

Goodbye.


(The frog raises a front foot and the Doctor is thrown backwards.) 

Fam

Of course! A Gestalt! A Telepathic Gestalt!

THE CHIN: 

Welcome, welcome. 

This is The Gang. 

I've got a Gang. 

AMY: 

With you? They're with you? 

Are they the new Us? 

Is that why we haven't seen you? 

THE CHIN: 

No. 

They're just people. 

They're not Ponds. 

I thought we might need a new gang. 

Not really had a gang before. 

It's new.

'Graham" means 'Grey Haired One". 

That's why Graham is called Graham.

 

Orion is the Youth God of The New Gods and The Fourth World. 
That's why Ryan is called Ryan.


And, he's his own father (kind of)
 
 

'Yasmin' or 'Jasmine' means 'Beautiful Flower.... 

And she's God on Angel. 

That's why Yaz is called Yaz.

Dr. Disco : 

Just stick one into the Tardis console. 

That'll bring you to me.

The Maid : 

[on monitor]: 

Right.

Dr. Disco : 

And make sure you hang on to the console, otherwise the Tardis will leave you behind.

My Lady : 

So what do we do? 

Doctor? Huh? 

Doctor, what do we do? 

Dr. Disco : 

Nothing.

My Lady :

What?

Dr. Disco : 

We don't do anything. 

I'm sorry, Clara. 

I can't help you.

My Lady : 

Of course you can help.

Dr. Disco : 

The Earth isn't my home. 

The Moon's not my moon. 

Sorry.

My Lady : 

Come on. Hey.

Dr. Disco : 

 Listen, there are moments in every civilisation's history in which the whole path of that civilisation is decided. 

The whole future path. 

 Whatever future humanity might have depends upon the choice that is made right here and right now. 

Now, you've got the tools to kill it. 

You made them. 

You brought them up here all on your own, with your own ingenuity. 

You don't need a Time Lord. 

Kill it. 

Or let it live. 

I can't make this decision for you.

My Lady : 

Yeah, well, I can't make it.

Dr. Disco : 

Well, there's two of you here.

My Lady : 

Well, yeah. 

A school teacher and an astronaut.

Dr. Disco : 

Who's better qualified? 

My Lady : 

I don't know! The President of America. 

Dr. Disco : 

Oh, take something off his plate!
He makes far too many decisions anyway. 

The Widow : 

She. 

Dr. Disco :

She. Sorry. 

She hasn't even been into space. 

She hasn't been to another planet. 

How would she even know what to do?

My Lady : 

I am asking you for help.

Dr. Disco : 

 Listen, we went to dinner in Berlin in 1937, right? 

We didn't nip out after pudding and kill Hitler. 

I've never killed Hitler. 

And you wouldn't expect me to kill Hitler. 

The Future is no more malleable than The Past.

My Lady : 

Okay, don't you do this to make some kind of point.
 

Dr. Disco :

 Sorry. Well, actually, no, I'm not sorry. 

It's time to take the stabilisers off your bike.
It's your moon, womankind. 
It's your choice. 
 

My Lady : 

And you're just going to stand there?

Dr. Disco : 

Absolutely not.

(The Tardis arrives, and Courtney comes out.)
 

My Lady : 

Doctor? 

Dr. Disco : 

A teenager, an astronaut and a schoolteacher.

The Widow : 

Hang on a minute. We can get in there, can't we? You can sort it out with that thing.

Dr. Disco : 

No. Some decisions are too important not to make on your own.

My Lady : 

Doctor. 

Doctor? 

Doctor!

(The Doctor goes into the Tardis and shuts the door. It dematerialises.)

The Widow :

 Oh, what a prat

.

[Room]

TROI: 

Captain. 

WORF: 

Sir. 

(A well build man with red hair and beard has entered. He stops in front of each of them in turn. Please note this actor really is deaf.) 

TROI: 

Riva. 

(He goes and stands on his dais. Picard steps forward but is gestured to stop. Two men and a woman in white enter and stand in front of Riva)

WOMAN: 

Please, come closer. Before I start, is there anything you need? Food, refreshments? 

PICARD: 

Thank you, no. 

SCHOLAR: 

(the man in the hat) 

Then proceed. 

PICARD: 

Greetings from the United Federation of Planets. I am Captain Jean Luc Picard, of the USS Enterprise. This is Counsellor Troi. Lieutenant Worf. 

ADONIS: Greetings. 

SCHOLAR: Welcome to Ramatis. 

WOMAN: I have been expecting you. 

ADONIS: You are empathic. 

TROI: Yes. 

(Riva walks towards Troi) 

ADONIS: 

Then although you already know my feelings toward you, allow me to put them into words. 

I am looking forward to this journey, now more than ever, because it gives me the chance to be in your company. 

TROI: 

I am flattered. I too am look forward to learning more about you. 

(Riva goes back to his dais) 

PICARD: 

There are aspects to Riva of which we have not been informed. 

WOMAN: 

Precisely. Our way of communicating has developed over the centuries and its one that I find quite harmonious. 

PICARD: 

Then Riva the mediator... 

WOMAN: ..is deaf. 

PICARD: Deaf? 

WOMAN: Born, and hope to die. 

PICARD: And the three of you speak for him? 

CHORUS: Yes. 

SCHOLAR: 

We serve as translators. We convey not only his thoughts, but his emotional intent as well. I am the Scholar. I represent the intellect, and speak in matters of judgement, philosophy, logic. Also, I am the dreamer, the part that longs to see the beauty beyond the truth which is always the first duty of art. I am the poet who ...

ADONIS: 

Artists, they tend to ramble, neglect the moment. I am passion, the libido. I am the anarchy of lust, the romantic and the lover. I am also the warrior, the perfect line which never wavers. 

WOMAN: 

I am that which binds all the others together. I am harmony, wisdom, balance. 

PICARD: 

Remarkable. And so these...

(Riva steps forward, angry) 

SCHOLAR: Speak to me! 

PICARD: What? 

SCHOLAR: Speak directly to me. 

PICARD: The uniqueness of this presentation provoked this inadvertent breach in protocol. No insult was intended. 

SCHOLAR: Then none is perceived. 

PICARD: I'm curious about how this rare form of communication came about. 

WOMAN: The gene for hearing is not present in my planet's ruling line. 

SCHOLAR: Not that unusual, indeed it is similar to the House of Hanover of your planet Earth, all who had haemophilia. Or the leaders of Fendaus Five, who were without limbs. 

WOMAN: Many of the galaxy's greatest contributors have been similarly special. 

SCHOLAR: My Chorus is so attuned, they can hear my thoughts and translate to you. It is a relationship which goes back for centuries. Their ancestors provided the same service to my ancestors. 

TROI: Your method of communication is most elegant and quite beautiful. 

ADONIS: It takes a fine mind to realise that, Counsellor Troi. 

TROI: This part of you doesn't speak very often. 

ADONIS: Only when the spirit moves me.

PICARD: Riva, if you are ready, the situation at Solais Five is very critical. We should not delay. 

SCHOLAR: Very well. 

WORF: With your permission, Captain. 

PICARD: Make it so, Mister Worf. 

WORF: Enterprise, this is the away team. Seven to beam up.

[Bridge]

O'BRIEN [OC]: Commander Riker. The away team, plus four, is on board. 

RIKER: Acknowledged. Ensign, set your course for Solais Five. 

WESLEY: Course is set. 

RIKER: Velocity, warp eight. 

WESLEY: Warp eight, aye. 

RIKER: Engage, Ensign. 

WESLEY: Yes, sir. 

(The party enters the Bridge) 

RIKER: What is this? 

PICARD: Riva is deaf. These three speak for him. Treat them as interpreters. Address yourselves directly to Riva. Now, may I present my First Officer. 

SCHOLAR: First, Captain, may I say it is an honour to be on board such a fine vessel. Now, please, continue with the introductions. 

PICARD: This is my First Officer, Commander Riker. 

SCHOLAR: It is an honour to meet you. 

(Riva places his right hand in the centre of Riker's chest) 

PICARD: Lieutenant Commander Data. 

SCHOLAR: It is a pleasure to meet such a unique individual. 

DATA: Thank you. 

PICARD: Lieutenant La Forge. 

LAFORGE: It is my pleasure to meet you, sir. 

WOMAN: What is that you're wearing? 

LAFORGE: A visor. It interprets the electromagnetic spectrum and then carries the readings to my brain. 

WOMAN: And without it, can you see? 

LAFORGE: Without it I'm as blind as a stump. 

WOMAN: Then your visor serves the same function as my Chorus, which interprets my thoughts and translates them into sound? 

LAFORGE: Yes. 

SCHOLAR: And you don't resent it? 

LAFORGE: The visor or being blind? 

SCHOLAR: Either. 

LAFORGE: No, since they're both part of me, and I really like who I am, there's no reason for me to resent either one. 

SCHOLAR: What is your position on the ship? 

LAFORGE: I'm the Chief Engineer, sir.

WOMAN: It's a blessing to understand we are special, each in his own way. 

LAFORGE: Yes. Yes, that's the way I feel exactly. 

PICARD: I offer the hospitality of my vessel. And at your convenience, there is a briefing on the Solari wars. If you wish, I'll have you conducted to your quarters. 

WOMAN: Thank you. 

ADONIS: Perhaps, if it is not inconvenient, Counsellor Troi could escort me. With your permission. 

TROI: This way. 

(Troi leaves with Riva and the Adonis) 

RIKER: What about you? 

WOMAN: At times like this, we become an encumbrance. 

SCHOLAR: So, if you have rooms for us?

PICARD: Lieutenant Worf will escort you. 

RIKER: 

Riva's not what I expected.