Informal Processing

Freddie Quell, a volatile, heavy-drinking veteran 

who suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder, 

finds some semblance of a family 

when he stumbles onto the ship of Lancaster Dodd, 

the charismatic leader of a new "religion" 

he forms after World War II.

The Master Informal Processing (Full Scene) - HD

"My favorite scene from one of my favorite movie.

Freddie Quell experiences processing from Lancaster Dodd, marking the start of a twisted yet beautiful friendship that will span over trillions of years.

I claim no ownership of this material. Uploaded for 

entertainment and enjoyment purposes only"

Master :

Freddie. Lovely.

I've been writing.

Feel like I went under.

Dark cloud rolls in, opens up.

Anxious to share new work.

Would you care for some 

informal processing?

Dog :

Sure. What do I have to do?

Master :

Just answer my questions, we talk.

OK.

Master :

Very good. Have a seat.

How are you feeling, Freddie?

Good.

Master :

- You rested? - Yes.

Master :

- Excited? - Yeah.

Master :

Have you made some friends?

- Everyone is very nice here.

Master :

Good. Good.

How are you feeling?

Yeah, good.

Master :

I gather myself.

You'll be my guinea pig and protege --

Informal processing.

Are you ready?

Yes.

Master :

Say your name.

- Freddie Quell.

Master :

Say it again.

Freddie Quell.

Master :

- Say it again. - Freddie Quell.

Master :

- Say it again. - Freddie Quell.

Master :

Might as well say it one more time, just

 to make sure you know who you are.

Freddie Quell.

Are you thoughtless in your remarks?

I usually put some thought into them.

Do you linger at bus stations for pleasure?

No.

Do you get muscle spasms for no reason?

No.

Do your past failures bother you?

No.

Do your past failures bother you?

No.

Do your past failures bother you?

No.

Do your past failures in life bother you?

No.

- Is your life a struggle? - No.

- Do you like to be told what to do? - No.

Is your behavior erratic?

No.

Do you find interest in other people?

Not really.

- Do you find it easy to be fair?

Yes.

Master :

Are you often consumed by envy?

Dog :

No, about what?

Master :

Are you often consumed by envy?

Dog :

I don't unders... 

You mean like jealousy?

Master :

Like jealousy.

Dog :

Oh, well, yeah --

I don't like someone else's 

hands on my girls --

I don't like to think about it. 

It makes me sick.

Are you scientific in your thought?

Yes.

Are you concerned with the impression you make?

Mm...

I don't understand.

Yes, you do.

Well, most people are asses, if that's what you mean.

Are you usually truthful to others?

No. I don't know.

- Sometimes. - Are you unpredictable?

Silly.

Silly animal.

- I couldn't help it. - Dirty animal.

Sorry.

It's good to laugh during processing.

Sometimes we forget, even if it is the sound of an animal.

Freddie Quell, test session, March 5th, 1950, 1800 hours.

Aboard the sailing vessel Alethia.

LD, MOC, MD, logged and approved.

Should we sample another sip before we join them upstairs?

Wait, that's it?

For now.

No, no, no, no. You got to ask me more.

This is fun. Come on, you got to ask me more.

Could you answer the next series of questions without blinking your eyes?

- Yes. - Without fear and hesitation,

- answer as quickly as you can? - Sure.

- Again.

Starting now, you are not to blink.

If you blink we go back to the start.

Infringement.

You blinked.

Starting now, you are not to blink.

If you blink, we go back to the start.

Do you often think about how inconsequential you are?

No.

Do you believe that God will save you from your own ridiculousness?

No.

Have you ever had intercourse with someone inside your family?

Yes.

Have you ever had intercourse with someone inside your family?

- Yes. - Who?

- My auntie. - Have you killed anyone?

- No. - Maybe?

- Not me. - Have you killed anyone?

- No. - How many times did you

- have intercourse with your aunt? - Three times.

- Where is your aunt now? - I don't know.

Would you like to have intercourse with her again?

No.

- Do you regret this? - No.

- Where is your mother? - I don't know. Loony...

- Infringement. - Fuck!

- Back to the start. - OK.

Do you often think about how inconsequential you are?

Yes.

- Do you believe that God will save you? - No.

Have you ever had sex with a member of your family?

- Yes. - Are you lying?

- No. - Who?

- My Auntie Bertha. - Where is your aunt now?

I don't know, maybe home.

- Are you lying? - No.

- Are you a liar? - Yes.

- Have you killed anyone? - Yes.

- Who? - Japs in war.

- Do you regret this? - No.

- What are you running from? - Maybe I hurt a man, I think.

Maybe he's dead. I don't know.

- Where? - In Salinas.

He stole a batch of my booze and he drank it.

- Is this booze you make poison? - Not if you drink it smart.

- Are you trying to poison me? - No.

- Where is your father? - Dead.

- How did he die? - Drunk.

Where is your mother?

Where is your mother?

- Loony bin. - Is she psychotic?

Yes.

- What is the name of your aunt? - Bertha.

How did you come to have sex with your Auntie Bertha?

- I was drunk and she looked good. - And you did it again and again?

Yes.

Have you ever had bad thoughts about Master Peggy?

- Yes. - What did you think?

- I thought you were fools. - Am I a fool to you?

- No, sir. - If you were locked in a room

for the rest of your life, who would be in there with you?

- Doris. - Who's Doris?

Best girl I ever met. The girl I'm going to marry one day.

- Is she in Lynn? - Yes.

- Lynn, Massachusetts? - Yes, sir.

- Then why aren't you with her? - I'm an idiot.

- Why aren't you with that lovely girl? - I got no reason. I'm a fool.

- Do you love Doris? - Yes.

- Is she the love of your life? - Yes, sir.

- Then why aren't you with her? - I don't know.

Yes, you do. Tell me why you're not with her if you love her so much.

I told her I'd come back, and I never went back

and now I just, I got to get back to her.

- Why don't you go back? - I don't know.

- Why don't you go back? - I don't know!

Close your eyes.

Recall a word.

Flowers.

Can you recall what you're wearing?

Navy blues.

What do you hear?

Voices inside.

Sailor :

Hello, Mrs. Solstad.

The Virgin :

What made you come 

and see me?

Sailor :

I thought about you.

I thought about you 

when I was away.

The Virgin :

I got your letter.

Sailor :

They have you write 

to soldiers at school?

The Virgin :

I wrote to you.

How come you didn't 

write me back?

Sailor :

I don't know.

I did. I just... 

never sent it.

Are you going 

to Briar Cliff?

The Virgin :

I'm not in college.

Sailor :

What are you, a senior?

Junior?

The Virgin :

No.

Sailor :

 You're not 

a freshman.

The Virgin :

I'm a sophomore.

Sailor :

So how old does 

that make you?

The Virgin :

Sixteen.

......did you think 

I was older?

Sailor :

No -- I don't really remember.

The Virgin :

Can I kiss you...?

Recall a sound.

She's singing.

Her voice settles me down.

The Virgin :

I'm meant to go 

to Norway.

Sailor :

When's this?

The Virgin :

November.

Sailor :

.....what for?

The Virgin :

I'm going to meet the 

rest of Our Family.

Sailor :

.....well, I don't think you should go.

No, you're not going to go.

I came all this way to see you, 

and I want you to stay here.

The Virgin :

All right.

All right.

Can you recall a word?

Any word.

Away.

Say it again.

Away.

Who's saying "away"?

Dog :

I am.

Outbound for Shanghai!

Need one able-bodied seaman, 

one oiler and one baker.

The Man McCoughsky.

The Man Quell.

Sailor :

Yeah. 

Oiler?

Sailor :

Yes, sir.

Done this before?

Sailor :

Yes, sir.

Tomorrow morning, 8:00.

Sailor :

Hey.

The Virgin :

Hi.

Sailor :

Listen, I gotta go somewhere for a few months,

so you should go to Norway.

The Virgin :

 Where are you going?

Sailor :

I got a job that takes me away.

The Virgin :

Where?

Sailor :

I don't know.

Don't ask me so many questions. 

I don't know anyway.

You know, I didn't know 

which window was yours, 

and I always guess right.

You take your trip 

and come back home,

and that's gonna 

be our time, right?

That's gonna be our time. 

That's gonna be our time, right?

Yeah.

Sailor :

Right? Say yes.

Say yes.

Yes.

Sailor :

I'll be back in a minute...

Master :

Release and return to me.

Open your eyes.

Say your name.

Dog :

Freddie Quell.

Master :

Are you here 

with me in 1950?

Dog :

Yes.

Master :

End of session.

How do you feel?

Dog :

I feel good.

Master :

Left side of your body feel OK?

Dog :

Yes.

Master :

Right side of your stomach?

Dog :

Yes.

Master :

Headaches?

Dog :

A little.

Master :

Are you a member of 

The Hidden Rulers?

Dog :

I don't know what that is.

Master :

Any communist organization?

Dog :

No.

Master :

Any invader-force on this 

planet or anywhere else?

Dog :

No, sir.

Master :

You are The Bravest 

Boy I've ever met.

To The Poison --

Ah. Well done.

Kools.

I like Kools.

Minty flavor.

Tom Welling

Group Therapy, at the Old Ex-Supermans'

Survivors of Red-Kryptonite, seaside 

retirement and Convalescence Home --

Navigating The Labyrinths 

of Life after Superman "

Behind The S. :

Cheers to The fraggin' 

House of El --

Smallville’s TOM WELLING: New Beginnings

Inside of You: Michael Rosenb...

The one and only Tom Welling (Smallville, Professionals) joins us again this year as we reminisce on the recent 20th anniversary of Smallville and discuss the differences in our time shooting the show and interacting with castmates. 

As we return to cons, Tom talks about his experience as a father being away from his family and the surprise realisation he now has away from home. 

We also talk about fatherhood, upcoming Smallville projects, and his experience working with Brendan Fraser.

Smallville’s TOM WELLING: New Beginnings (2021) Inside of You: Michael Rosenbaum #insideofyou #smallville

Nurse Rached

The West Wing on Star Trek

CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - DAY Josh is sitting at his desk looking at a computer screen.

JOSH Donna?

DONNA (OS) Yeah?

JOSH Something weird has happened here.

Donna appears in doorway.

DONNA Where?

JOSH LemonLyman....

DONNA No.

JOSH They don't seem to be taking my response in the spirit in which it was intended.

DONNA Yeah.

JOSH Seems to be a very unusual social structure. For instance, there is A Leader who seems to pride herself on her organisational skills and a certain amount of discipline.

DONNA Right. That's what's called a control freak.

JOSH [getting visibly upset] Well, she does seems to do an awful lot of scolding. "You've posted in the wrong place. Stay on topic people. Don't use capital letters. I don't have time to tell you twice," when clearly, she does have time to tell us twice. But that's not The Problem.

DONNA No.

Josh clears his throat then begins to read a post on the LemonLyman Board.

JOSH "Someone need to deal with Josh's planet-sized ego, by teaching him Government 101. Who made him overlord of the Democratic party?" And someone else writes, "Is Josh delusional, or is he actively trying to destroy the separation of powers?"

DONNA Well, are you?

Josh No.

DONNA Then turn off the computer, shut these people up, and let's go back to work.

JOSH I think I need to clarify my original post.

DONNA Josh, there's a primetime press conference tomorrow and a new energy policy that you have spent months shepherding down the field, and now, on the one-yard line...

JOSH Sit down in the chair.

DONNA Has the pressure for you to get the energy package...?

JOSH Sit down in the chair.

DONNA I think you've gone 'round the bend.

JOSH I'm dictating now. I don't think it falls under the category of "outrageous" to suggest that I might have friends on the other end of the Avenue who have the phone number of the GAO. Let me put this more plainly. The White House can get a GAO review of anything it wants without posing a threat to the separation of powers. And I believe I'll use capital, lowercase, or Sanskrit, right up until the moment the font police cuff me and read me Miranda!

DONNA That'll show them.

JOSH See, I think these are good people, by and large, but they've come under the thumb of a dictatorial ruler. So, as with a small, Central American country, my role is to incite the people to topple her

DONNA You're way round the bend. Can I get you a damp towel or something?

JOSH No, but do we have any Yoo-Hoo?

DONNA Yeah.

JOSH I'll take one.

DONNA I'm on it.

Bananas

See,  I think 

these are good people,

by and large, but they've 

come under the thumb of 

a dictatorial ruler.

So, as with a small, 

Central American country, 

my role is to incite

The People to topple her —

"Technichally I outrank you"-WEST WING

JOSH 

The Internet-people have gone crazy.

DONNA [sarcastically] 

You're kidding......!!

The two of them start to walk together.

JOSH 

They're calling the GAO "General Josh's Standing Army", 

and saying I don't understand it's mandate and purpose. 

They're saying if I could get a review of anything I want,

that I should start by reviewing the job of Deputy C.O.S. 

Then one guy compares me to a poor man's Clark Clifford, 

and a page and a half of posts, debating whether or not 

I was mocking Egyptians with the Sanskrit reference.

They come to a halt.

DONNA [snappishly] I told you they were hysterical.

JOSH I thought you meant they were funny.

DONNA 

They're not.

They start walking again, voices rising.

JOSH 

I know they're not! It's

 "Lord of the Flies" in there.

DONNA 

Well, who invited you in the first place?

JOSH

 It's got My Name on it. Look, I don't want to hear about it anymore. 

[glances at his watch] We got an energy plan in ten minutes. I'm gonna...

He starts to walk away, and C.J. comes up the HALLWAY behind him.

C.J. Oh, Josh!

JOSH Yeah?

He turns and waits as she walks towards him.

C.J. The Federal Page of the Washington Post just called Carol to confirm that YOU'RE the Josh Lyman who stated on an Internet website that The White House could order a GAO review on anything it WANTS.

JOSH "......without threatening the separation of powers", is what I was saying.

C.J. You POSTED on a WEBSITE?!?

Donna emerges from a door behind C.J., and they exchange a look.

JOSH I was communicating with The People.

C.J. Really?

Josh is momentarily distracted watching Donna walk past him into his

office. Then he steps closer to C.J. and speaks in a hushed voice.

JOSH 

C.J., it's a... crazy place. 

It's got this dictatorial leader, 

who I'm sure wears a muumuu and 

chain-smokes Parliaments. 

[makes a smoking gesture with his fingers]

C.J. What did you go there for in the FIRST place?

JOSH It's called "LemonLyman.com".

C.J. gives him a pointed shove in the direction of his office. They walk a

few paces and stop outside the doorway.

C.J. Let me EXPLAIN something to you, this is sort of my FIELD -- 

The people ON these sites?

They're the cast of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest."

Donna picks up her jacket inside the office and walks out between the two of them.

C.J. [cont] The muumuu-Wearing Parliament-smoker? 

That's Nurse Ratched. When Nurse Ratched is unhappy,

the patients are unhappy. 

You? You're McMurphy. 

You swoop in there with your card games and your fishing trips...

JOSH [shrugging defensively] I didn't swoop in, I came in exactly the same way everybody else did.

C.J. 

Well, now I'm telling you to open the ward room window and climb on out before they give you a pre-frontal lobotomy, and I have to SMOTHER you with a PILLOW.

Josh regards her in silence for a moment.

JOSH You're Chief Brom-

C.J. I'm Chief Bromden, yes, at this particular moment -- 

I'm assigning an intern from the press office to that web site -- 

They're going to check it every night before they go home. If they

discover you've been there, I'm going to shove a motherboard so far up your ass...

Josh looks down at the floor.

C.J. What?

JOSH [with a slight shrug] Well... technically, I outrank you.

C.J. [shouting] SO FAR UP YOUR ASS!

JOSH [quickly] Okay.

C.J. Okay?

JOSH How you doing?

C.J. Are we ready?

JOSH [nods] We are.

C.J. I believe we are. You want to walk over?

He hesitates, then turns to walk with her.

JOSH [calling out] Donna, let's go, it's time.

No, I mean it's just... silly.

 

SCENE 11

Day. Cemetery. GUY MANN is walking slowly through the rows of headstones. He's holding a brown paper bag concealing a bottle of liquor. MULDER pulls up in the gold MPV and gets out to follow him. He kneels down at a headstone to pick up a fresh bunch of flowers before carrying on over to where 

GUY MANN is standing. 

MULDER stops and kneels down at 

an adjacent headstone, which reads:

In Memory of

 

KIM

MANNERS

 

January 13, 1951

January 25, 2009

 

"Let's Kick It In The Ass"

MULDER places the flowers at the base of the headstone before placing his palm on its face in a mark of respect. He stands, using his hand to brush the top of the headstone clear of dust and fallen leaves. GUY MANN is standing next to MULDER, his left hand atop a headstone. He notices MULDER and offers him the brown bag, but MULDER silently mouths "No" to politely refuse it.

MULDER: (turning to MANN) 

Did you lose somebody recently?

GUY MANN: 

Yeah. Myself. I know this sounds weird, but... until a few days ago, I didn't know we die. I mean, I always knew we could die. I instinctively knew to avoid death, but what I didn't know is... no matter what we do, eventually you end up in a place like this.

MULDER: It doesn't seem to make a whole lot of sense, does it?

GUY MANN: It doesn't make any sense. (Waving his arms) Nothing makes sense.

MULDER: I don't mean to intrude, but you seem to have something weighing heavily on you. It might help to get it off your chest.

GUY MANN: You mean... to confess?

MULDER: If you have something to confess.

MULDER takes a step closer to GUY MANN.

GUY MANN: Well, I confess that... if life is nonsense... I just want this madness to end.

MULDER: But you're not thinking of doing anything crazy, are you?

GUY MANN: No. I'm just gonna (pause) kill you. (Excitedly) You ready?!

GUY MANN pulls the green liquor bottle out of the brown bag and smashes it on the headstone in front of him, before lunging at MULDER with it. MULDER ducks out of the way, before righting himself and attempting to draw his gun. GUY MANN tries to stop him by grabbing the gun, knocking MULDER to the ground in the process. The gun bounces away out of reach.

GUY MANN: No, not the gun, you fool!

MULDER hits the ground with a thud. We finally see the headstone that GUY MANN was standing in front of. It reads:

For

 

JACK

HARDY

 

JULY 16 1953

MARCH 24 2015

 

NOTHING SAYS THANK YOU

LIKE CASH

Now MULDER's lying on his back, unarmed. GUY MANN is looming over him with the broken bottle.

GUY MANN: You okay?

MULDER: (Confused) Huh?

GUY MANN: Oh!

GUY MANN theatrically stumbles, dropping the broken bottle right on front of MULDER.

GUY MANN: Oh, no! I've lost my weapon!

MULDER picks up the bottle and jumps to his feet. GUY MANN grabs the bottle and, with MULDER still holding it, tries to stab himself in the appendix, holding his shirt up with his free hand.

GUY MANN: Here!

MULDER pulls the bottle out of GUY MANN's hand. Suddenly MANN puts his hands around MULDER's neck, but MULDER puts up no resistance.

GUY MANN: Come on, defend yourself!

MULDER: I know what you're trying to do. The green glass, the appendix. But I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna kill you. I want to help you.

GUY MANN looks disheartened.

GUY MANN: The only way you can help me, mister, is... by killing me. (Pleading with MULDER) Please. Just put me out of my misery.

MULDER: Okay. I'll do it. I'll kill you.

GUY MANN: Thanks, Mister! You're, like, the only nice person I've ever met!

MULDER: But first I want to hear how this happened to you.

GUY MANN sighs deeply.

GUY MANN: Oh...

MULDER: The whole story.

GUY MANN: Okay.

He reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a new, unopened bottle of liquor.

GUY MANN: But you're gonna need this. (He pulls out the stopper and offers the bottle to MULDER.) It's a shocker.

MULDER looks at the bottle and sighs.

SCENE 12

Night. Forest. A bright full moon hangs in the sky shrouded by clouds. We're in flashback to the events at the beginning of the episode, but from GUY MANN's perspective.

We see GUY MANN in were-lizard form, relaxing in a forest floor clearing, lying back with his hands behind his head and a grass stem in his mouth. We hear a twig snap close by and a man cry out. He suddenly sits bolt upright, looking around.

MAN: Stop! No! Aah!

Two men wrestling each other crash through the nearby branches. GUY MANN drops to the ground, turns over and lies face down in the earth, trying to disappear and not be noticed by the two men who are still locked together and writhing on the ground right next to him. We see PASHA, the animal control officer, in control of the other man. He pins him down, leans over him and bites his neck. GUY MANN notices and jumps to his feet. He roars at PASHA to try and stop him. PASHA jumps to his feet and starts to grapple with GUY MANN, still in his were-lizard form. PASHA grabs him around the shoulders and cranes his neck around GUY MANN's horny face and bites him on the side of the neck.

GUY MANN: Aah!

After the attack, GUY MANN fends off PASHA who is thrown to the ground. GUY MANN stands there with is hand on his neck, whimpering and waving his arms around in panic, before running off, straight at the two STONERS we saw earlier. They see him coming just as he leaps through the middle of them and makes his getaway through the forest.

MALE STONER: Dude...

Cut back to MULDER and GUY MANN in the cemetery.

MULDER: Wait. I'm confused already. You said you were going to start at the beginning.

GUY MANN: I am. That's how the whole thing started. I should have stayed still, but I panicked. I tried to scare off that predator. Of course, that only made him more rabid. I didn't even get a chance to shoot blood out of my eyeballs.

MULDER: So you're saying a man bit you? (GUY MANN pulls his shirt collar down to reveal the neck wound from PASHA. MULDER is decidedly unimpressed.) That looks like a hickey.

GUY MANN: Well, it looks different when I'm normal.

MULDER: Is this what you look like when you're "normal"?

MULDER pulls out the three-eyed lizard creature sketch. GUY MANN is incredulous at the likeness.

GUY MANN: What!? Three eyes!? (Deadpan) But yeah, that's actually quite close.

MULDER: So wh... when did you... first transform?

GUY MANN: Oh, that didn't happen till the next morning...

Flashback to the forest on the morning after the attack. GUY MANN is lying along a tree trunk. He's in human form, and he's naked. He opens his eyes and looks up. He holds his hand in front of his face, trying to understand what has happened to his body.

GUY MANN: (Voice-over) My transformation wasn't just physical but mental. I heard a voice in my head. My voice. I became conscious of my own self-consciousness and then I had my very first thought: "I'm naked!" I became overcome by some irrational need to cover up.

Sitting up on the tree trunk, he looks around and see the bodies of three victims lying in a depression under the large unearthed root ball of a fallen tree.

GUY MANN: (Voice-over) For some unknown reason, there was a bunch of dead bodies lying around...

He walks over the bodies. We see one of the victims with a large wound to his neck. He's wearing the familiar shirt, jacket, trousers and Fedora.

GUY MANN: (Voice-over) Now, I had never worn clothes before, but through some primordial instinct, I... I knew how to put them on. (He takes the clothes off the victim's body and puts them on.) Once clothed, I became... possessed. I fought against it as much as I could, but I lost control. I had to go on a hunt. I had to hunt down a... a...

MULDER: A human victim?

GUY MANN: (Voice-over) No, a job...

MULDER: Uh...

GUY MANN: (Voice-over) My craze wouldn't be satiated until I found steady work. So I walked straight into town and rather tragically I... I found something right away...

Cut to the "smart phones ...is us" store on GUY MANN's first day. He's talking technobabble to a female customer.

GUY MANN: (talking to customer) Now, this model comes with 3,000 gigabertz of pixelbits...

GUY MANN: (Voice-over) It's perfect for me. I have no idea what I'm saying, and neither do my customers.

GUY MANN: (to customer) You can see from the shape of it that it's quite rectangular...

GUY MANN: (Voice-over) By the end of the day, I was the manager.

Back to the cemetery.

MULDER: Putting aside the logistics of no Social Security number, no references...

GUY MANN: I don't need any of that stuff. You see, now I possess the one Darwinian advantage that humans have over other animals: the ability to B.S. my way through anything! (Smiling) I mean, it's better than camouflage!

MULDER: You wouldn't happen to be, uh, B.S-ing me right now about all this, would you?

GUY MANN: I don't know. Maybe? I don't understand half the things I'm telling you.

MULDER: I find that... disconcerting.

GUY MANN: What's even more disturbing is what I did after work that first day. I was so exhausted, out of my mind, I... (looking despondent) I committed a murder...

MULDER: Who did you kill?

GUY MANN: A cow.

(Cut to GUY MANN standing in an Andy's drive-thru queue, ordering food at the intercom.

GUY MANN: I'd like a double cheeseburger and a large order of fries.

FEMALE CLERK: Sir, if you're not in a car, you have to come inside to order.

GUY MANN: (As if this simple request makes absolutely no sense) Why?

Back to the cemetery.

MULDER: In your natural state, you're a vegetarian?

GUY MANN: No, an insectivore. But no one likes insects, not even other insects. Anyway, I-I took my kill, checked into a motel, and then I just spent the rest of the day helplessly watching... porn.

Porn music is playing. GUY MANN is lying on the bed in the motel, eating his take-away. He leans over to the bedside table where his large drink is standing. He puts his face right over the open cup and starts to quickly flick some of the liquid into his mouth with his tongue.

GUY MANN: (Voice-over) But then, sometime during the night, a change occurred.

He reaches down on the bed to grab up the remote, but when he picks it up to change channel he notices that his hand has turned into that of the were-lizard. He looks at his other hand, still holding his cheeseburger. That has also changed. He leaps off the bed excitedly and races to the mirror. He stares into the mirror, expectantly. Moments later, his face starts to transform into that of the were-lizard. He grins jubilantly.

GUY MANN: Yeah, all right!

He excitedly peels off his shirt. His chest is scaly. He pulls off his trousers to reveal his scaly green legs and pristine white underpants. He jumps onto the bed, whooping and hollering as he bounces on the mattress.

GUY MANN: Come on!. Whoo, yeah! I'm back, baby!

He drops onto his chest on the bed. We see his fully transformed red eyes and horny face.

GUY MANN: (Voice-over) I was myself again. And everything was fine... until the next morning.

The next morning in the motel. GUY MANN is woken by his alarm clock. He is still in were-lizard form. He leans over to the bedside table. He smacks the alarm clock across the room angrily. He sits on the side of the bed, breathing heavily. He yawns. As he does so he starts to transform back into human form. We see his moustache has not quite reappeared fully. His puts a finger in his right ear and scratches. The missing moustache pops out. He yawns again as he gets to his feet and slowly lumbers over the coffee machine, groaning.

GUY MANN: Coffee. Need coffee.

He opens the coffee machine and pours in some ground coffee.

GUY MANN: (Voice-over) Alas, I was human again.

He pours ground coffee into his mouth. He chews it a little before coughing it up.

GUY MANN: (Voice-over) I went back to work. But now that I had a job, all I could think about was how much I hated my job.

Flashback to inside the "smart phones ...is us" store. It is empty. GUY MANN is leaning against one of the phone handset displays, fake-smiling to invisible customers. Suddenly he's had enough.

GUY MANN: Oh, that's it. I quit!

He flips the display over and handsets go flying across the store floor. He tears of his jackets and throws it at the wall in anger.

GUY MANN: (Voice-over) But I was too overcome with human fear to quit. How would I pay my bills?

Calmed down, he gets on his knees and starts to pick up the handsets.

GUY MANN: (Voice-over) Without a job, I'd-I'd never get a loan and start a mortgage, whatever that is. Already I was terrified I wasn't saving enough for my retirement.

He kneels back, sighing as he contemplates his future life. We cut back to the cemetery.

GUY MANN: And what else was I supposed to do? If I haven't written my novel by now, I'm never going to write it, you know? I just couldn't go on. So I... I visited a witch doctor.

Confused, MULDER starts to mouth the letter "W?".

GUY MANN: Psychiatrist.

MULDER: Ahh...

GUY MANN: But the medicine he gave me didn't cure me, it just clouded my thoughts. And as a result, I... I did something insane.

MULDER: (Interested again) You attacked and killed someone?

GUY MANN: No, I got a puppy! I named him Daggoo.

Flashback to GUY MANN in his motel room with a small white terrier. He's holding it up around its chest and talking to it, face to face.

GUY MANN: Daggoo! Daggoo! Daggoo!

GUY MANN: (Voice-over) And I quickly realized that the only way to be happy as a human was to spend all of your time in the company of non-humans!

He crawls along the floor excitedly after the dog. Later, he's transformed into the were-lizard and is still playing on the floor with the dog.

GUY MANN: We played all through the night. But the next day, when I came home from work...

The next day he enters the motel room bearing gifts and some large cuts of meat for the dog.

GUY MANN: Daggoo, I'm home! Daggoo? Daggoo!

GUY MANN: (Voice-over) ...well, I guess the maid must have accidentally let him out.

He races to the door, calling out for his dog.

GUY MANN: Daggoo!

Later he's walking around the parking lot, searching for the dog and calling out his name.

GUY MANN: Daggoo!

GUY MANN: (Voice-over) I searched everywhere. All night long. But it was hopeless. Because life's hopeless. A few fleeting moments of happiness, surrounded by crushing loss and grief.

He's at the edge of the parking lot, staring out into the mist-topped long grass.

GUY MANN: Daggoo! (Sobbing) Daggoo...

He drops to the ground, lying in the grass sobbing.

GUY MANN: (Voice-over) Why bother?

Back to the cemetery.

GUY MANN: Just when I'd given up the search... I saw him.

MULDER: Daggoo?!

GUY MANN: No. No, the man who had bit me and turned me into a human.

Still lying in the grass, a pair of feet - PASHA's - walk straight past him. He looks up.

GUY MANN: Just catching sight of that son of a bitch made me even more human, because I was filled with the one thing that only humans can understand: revenge. I got up and I stalked after him. I just wanted to...

Back to the cemetery.

GUY MANN holds out his hands imitating strangling someone.

MULDER: Strangle him and eat his flesh?

GUY MANN: Yes!

MULDER: Now we're getting somewhere.

GUY MANN: But just as I was about to do that... I saw him do the same thing to someone else.

Flashback. GUY MANN is quietly following PASHA along the edge of the long grass. A man grunts and yells. GUY MANN stops, his hands over his mouth, disgusted at what he can see in front of him.

GUY MANN: (Voice-over) I'd never seen such pointless brutality. I was so transfixed by the horror that I didn't notice the moon had come out.

PASHA is lying on top of the victim, chewing on his neck. The moon now out, GUY MANN has transformed back into his were-lizard form. He starts retreating, taking off his clothes as he does so.

GUY MANN: (Voice-over) But having caught a glimpse of what human nature was capable of, I wanted no more part of it. I decided to shed my clothes and return to the wild!

We see the tighty-whited GUY MANN walking through the parking lot, approaching ANNABELL from between the two parked semi trucks. ANNABELL notices him, screams and swings her large purse at him, clocking GUY MANN right in the face. Initially he's dazed...

GUY MANN: Man, she hit like a man.

Then he drops to the ground with a thump like a sack of potatoes. And not small potatoes. Back to the cemetery.

MULDER: That's because she used to be... uh, she once... She's transgender.

GUY MANN: (Disbelief) What? You can't transform into a different sex! That's nuts!

MULDER: It's not nuts. It's actually a very common medical procedure. You don't need the surgery, technically...

GUY MANN: (Grabbing at straws) Maybe that's what I could do! It's a cure!

MULDER: No.

GUY MANN: Well, I've got to stop transforming. I'll do the surgery.

MULDER: Completely different.

GUY MANN: (His mind made up) I don't care how much it costs, I'll do it.

MULDER: They cut off (nodding with his head towards GUY MANN's groin area) your genitals.

GUY MANN: (Thinking about it) Nah, I'll leave it. That's... that's a step too far, isn't it?

MULDER: Yeah.

GUY MANN: Okay. Well, anyway, I think she gave me a concussion. Rest of the night's pretty foggy. Some people chased me around a truck, and a man took a picture of me in the Porta Potti.

MULDER: That was me, actually.

GUY MANN: I thought I recognized you!

MULDER: But wait... how could you have changed back into a man? It wasn't morning yet...

GUY MANN: I don't know how it works. I'm not a scientist.

MULDER: I'm just looking for some kind of internal logic.

GUY MANN: Why? There isn't an external logic, to any of it. I mean, I went back to the motel, and a jackalope head on the wall started screaming at me. Explain that! And I'm creeped out by jackalopes, ever since a friend of mine got gored by one.

MULDER: Jackalopes aren't real. They-they were a hoax perpetrated by a Wyoming taxidermist in 1932. They... they don't exist.

GUY MANN: Well, I'd like to see you explain that to my dead friend, George! Anyway, I fled the motel, turned into a human again the next morning and went into work.

Flashback to the "smart phones ...is us" store. The bell tinkles and SCULLY enters. She walks over to the display where GUY MANN is standing.

GUY MANN: Welcome to Smart Phones Is Us. How may I help?

SCULLY: I'm wondering if I can ask you some questions.

GUY MANN: Mm-hmm?

SCULLY: (Aggressively flirty) I think maybe my phone isn't working right, 'cause guys don't send me pictures of their junk on it. I think maybe I'd like to... take a picture of yours.

Porn music starts playing. SCULLY peels off her jacket, and, giving GUY MANN come-hither eyes, disappears off into the stock room at the back of the store. She stops as she gets to the stock room door, unbuttoning her shirt and flashing some cleavage in his direction.

SCULLY: Come on. I want to make you say "cheese."

Cut to inside the stock room.

GUY MANN's trousers are around his ankles. SCULLY's shirt is off, her red hair down. They're going at it against a wall like in the porn movie he was watching earlier in him motel room.

SCULLY: (Moaning with pleasure) You're an animal! An animal!

GUY MANN: (Not believing his good fortune) This feels good!

SCULLY: (Still moaning with pleasure) Oh, don't stop! Don't...

Back to the cemetery.

MULDER: ...Stop!

GUY MANN is still in the moment physically, pretending he's still embracing SCULLY in the store.

MULDER: (Shaking his head) 

That... did not happen.

GUY MANN: 

I know it's hard to believe, but, 

apparently I'm terrific in the sack.

MULDER: You made that up.

GUY MANN: Oh... (long pause, straight face) 

all right, you got me. 

Ever since I became a human, 

I can't help but lie about my sex life. 

But that's the only untruthful bit 

in the whole story.

MULDER, feeling like he's heard enough for one day, leans back against the gravestone, staring up in to the sky.

GUY MANN: So please... will you kill me now?

MULDER closes his eyes. He looks pained.

GUY MANN: (Disappointed) You don't believe me, do you?

MULDER:

 I was going to believe you, 

but it's all... it's just too... 

fantastic.

GUY MANN: 

It's not fantastic. It's tragic!

MULDER: 

No, I mean it's just... silly.

GUY MANN: 

That's my life you're talking about.

MULDER: 

It's my life, too. You and me, we're the same, Guy. 

We both want to believe in things that aren't real - 

or even possible.

GUY MANN: "There are more things in Heaven and Earth, than are dreamt of in..."

TOGETHER: "...your philosophy."

MULDER: I know that.

GUY MANN: Ah, but did you know the First Folio version reads: "than are dreamt of in our philosophy"?

MULDER: So Hamlet is not just calling Horatio an ignorant idiot, he's calling us all ignorant idiots?

GUY MANN: It's a comforting thought, isn't it? Because if there's nothing more to life than what we already know, then there's nothing but... worries, self-doubt, regret and loneliness.

They're both thinking about the words. GUY MANN sighs heavily. He walks around in front of MULDER and grabs him by the lapels, pleading with him.

GUY MANN: Fox, man, you've got to put me out of my misery! I don't want to wake up tomorrow and have to go to work!