Showing posts with label The Toymaker. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Toymaker. Show all posts

Monday 8 January 2024

We are The Music-Makers, and We are The Players of Games

  



Kubrick on Barry Lyndon



An interview with Michel Ciment



Michel Ciment : You have given almost no interviews on Barry Lyndon. Does this decision relate to this film particularly, or is it because you are reluctant to speak about your work?


Stanley Kubrick : I suppose my excuse is that the picture was ready only a few weeks before it opened and I really had no time to do any interviews. But if I'm to be completely honest, it's probably due more to the fact that I don't like doing interviews. There is always the problem of being misquoted or, what's even worse, of being quoted exactly, and having to see what you've said in print. Then there are the mandatory -- "How did you get along with actor X, Y or Z?" -- "Who really thought of good idea A, B or C?" I think Nabokov may have had the right approach to interviews. He would only agree to write down the answers and then send them on to the interviewer who would then write the questions.


Do you feel that Barry Lyndon is a more secret film, more difficult to talk about?


Not really. I've always found it difficult to talk about any of my films. What I generally manage to do is to discuss the background information connected with the story, or perhaps some of the interesting facts which might be associated with it. This approach often allows me to avoid the "What does it mean? Why did you do it?" questions. For example, with Dr. Strangelove I could talk about the spectrum of bizarre ideas connected with the possibilities of accidental or unintentional warfare. 2001: A Space Odyssey allowed speculation about ultra-intelligent computers, life in the universe, and a whole range of science-fiction ideas. A Clockwork Orange involved law and order, criminal violence, authority versus freedom, etc. With Barry Lyndon you haven't got these topical issues to talk around, so I suppose that does make it a bit more difficult.


Your last three films were set in The Future. What led you to make an historical film?


I can't honestly say what led me to make any of my films. The best I can do is to say I just fell in love with the stories. Going beyond that is a bit like trying to explain why you fell in love with your wife : she's intelligent, has brown eyes, a good figure. Have you really said anything? Since I am currently going through the process of trying to decide what film to make next, I realize just how uncontrollable is the business of finding a story, and how much it depends on chance and spontaneous reaction. You can say a lot of "architectural" things about what a film story should have: a strong plot, interesting characters, possibilities for cinematic development, good opportunities for the actors to display emotion, and the presentation of its thematic ideas truthfully and intelligently. But, of course, that still doesn't really explain why you finally chose something, nor does it lead you to a story. You can only say that you probably wouldn't choose a story that doesn't have most of those qualities.


Since you are completely free in your choice of story material, how did you come to pick up a book by Thackeray, almost forgotten and hardly republished since the nineteenth century?


I have had a complete set of Thackeray sitting on my bookshelf at home for years, and I had to read several of his novels before reading Barry Lyndon. At one time, Vanity Fair interested me as a possible film but, in the end, I decided the story could not be successfully compressed into the relatively short time-span of a feature film. This problem of length, by the way, is now wonderfully accommodated for by the television miniseries which, with its ten-to twelve-hour length, pressed on consecutive nights, has created a completely different dramatic form. Anyway, as soon as I read Barry Lyndon I became very excited about it. I loved the story and the characters, and it seemed possible to make the transition from novel to film without destroying it in the process. It also offered the opportunity to do one of the things that movies can do better than any other art form, and that is to present historical subject matter. Description is not one of the things that novels do best but it is something that movies do effortlessly, at least with respect to the effort required of the audience. This is equally true for science-fiction and fantasy, which offer visual challenges and possibilities you don't find in contemporary stories.


How did you come to adopt a third-person commentary instead of the first-person narrative which is found in the book?


I believe Thackeray used Redmond Barry to tell his own story in a deliberately distorted way because it made it more interesting. Instead of the omniscient author, Thackeray used the imperfect observer, or perhaps it would be more accurate to say the dishonest observer, thus allowing the reader to judge for himself, with little difficulty, the probable truth in Redmond Barry's view of his life. This technique worked extremely well in the novel but, of course, in a film you have objective reality in front of you all of the time, so the effect of Thackeray's first-person story-teller could not be repeated on the screen. It might have worked as comedy by the juxtaposition of Barry's version of the truth with the reality on the screen, but I don't think that Barry Lyndon should have been done as a comedy.


You didn't think of having no commentary?


There is too much story to tell. A voice-over spares you the cumbersome business of telling the necessary facts of the story through expositional dialogue scenes which can become very tiresome and frequently unconvincing: "Curse the blasted storm that's wrecked our blessed ship!" Voice-over, on the other hand, is a perfectly legitimate and economical way of conveying story information which does not need dramatic weight and which would otherwise be too bulky to dramatize.


But you use it in other way -- to cool down the emotion of a scene, and to anticipate the story. For instance, just after the meeting with the German peasant girl -- a very moving scene -- the voice-over compares her to a town having been often conquered by siege.


In the scene that you're referring to, the voice-over works as an ironic counterpoint to what you see portrayed by the actors on the screen. This is only a minor sequence in the story and has to be presented with economy. Barry is tender and romantic with the girl but all he really wants is to get her into bed. The girl is lonely and Barry is attractive and attentive. If you think about it, it isn't likely that he is the only soldier she has brought home while her husband has been away to the wars. You could have had Barry give signals to the audience, through his performance, indicating that he is really insincere and opportunistic, but this would be unreal. When we try to deceive we are as convincing as we can be, aren't we?


The film's commentary also serves another purpose, but this time in much the same manner it did in the novel. The story has many twists and turns, and Thackeray uses Barry to give you hints in advance of most of the important plot developments, thus lessening the risk of their seeming contrived.


When he is going to meet the Chevalier Balibari, the commentary anticipates the emotions we are about to see, thus possibly lessening their effect.


Barry Lyndon is a story which does not depend upon surprise. What is important is not what is going to happen, but how it will happen. I think Thackeray trades off the advantage of surprise to gain a greater sense of inevitability and a better integration of what might otherwise seem melodramatic or contrived. In the scene you refer to where Barry meets the Chevalier, the film's voice-over establishes the necessary groundwork for the important new relationship which is rapidly to develop between the two men. 

By talking about Barry's loneliness being so far from home, his sense of isolation as an exile, and his joy at meeting a fellow countryman in a foreign land, the commentary prepares the way for the scenes which are quickly to follow showing his close attachment to the Chevalier. Another place in the story where I think this technique works particularly well is where we are told that Barry's young son, Bryan, is going to die at the same time we watch the two of them playing happily together. In this case, I think the commentary creates the same dramatic effect as, for example, the knowledge that the Titanic is doomed while you watch the carefree scenes of preparation and departure. These early scenes would be inexplicably dull if you didn't know about the ship's appointment with the iceberg. Being told in advance of the impending disaster gives away surprise but creates suspense.


There is very little introspection in the film. Barry is open about his feelings at the beginning of the film, but then he becomes less so.


At the beginning of the story, Barry has more people around him to whom he can express his feelings. As the story progresses, and particularly after his marriage, he becomes more and more isolated. There is finally no one who loves him, or with whom he can talk freely, with the possible exception of his young son, who is too young to be of much help. At the same time I don't think that the lack of introspective dialogue scenes are any loss to the story. Barry's feelings are there to be seen as he reacts to the increasingly difficult circumstances of his life. I think this is equally true for the other characters in the story. In any event, scenes of people talking about themselves are often very dull.


In contrast to films which are preoccupied with analyzing the psychology of the characters, yours tend to maintain a mystery around them. Reverend Runt, for instance, is a very opaque person. You don't know exactly what his motivations are.


But you know a lot about Reverend Runt, certainly all that is necessary. He dislikes Barry. He is secretly in love with Lady Lyndon, in his own prim, repressed, little way. His little smile of triumph, in the scene in the coach, near the end of the film, tells you all you need to know regarding the way he feels about Barry's misfortune, and the way things have worked out. You certainly don't have the time in a film to develop the motivations of minor characters.


Lady Lyndon is even more opaque.


Thackeray doesn't tell you a great deal about her in the novel. I found that very strange. He doesn't give you a lot to go on. There are, in fact, very few dialogue scenes with her in the book. Perhaps he meant her to be something of a mystery. But the film gives you a sufficient understanding of her anyway.


You made important changes in your adaptation, such as the invention of the last duel, and the ending itself.


Yes, I did, but I was satisfied that they were consistent with the spirit of the novel and brought the story to about the same place the novel did, but in less time. In the book, Barry is pensioned off by Lady Lyndon. Lord Bullingdon, having been believed dead, returns from America. He finds Barry and gives him a beating. Barry, tended by his mother, subsequently dies in prison, a drunk. This, and everything that went along with it in the novel to make it credible would have taken too much time on the screen. In the film, Bullingdon gets his revenge and Barry is totally defeated, destined, one can assume, for a fate not unlike that which awaited him in the novel.


And the scene of the two homosexuals in the lake was not in the book either.


The problem here was how to get Barry out of the British Army. The section of the book dealing with this is also fairly lengthy and complicated.


The function of the scene between the two gay officers was to provide a simpler way for Barry to escape. Again, it leads to the same end result as the novel but by a different route. Barry steals the papers and uniform of a British officer which allow him to make his way to freedom. Since the scene is purely expositional, the comic situation helps to mask your intentions.


Were you aware of the multiple echoes that are found in the film : flogging in the army, flogging at home, the duels, etc., and the narrative structure resembling that of A Clockwork Orange? Does this geometrical pattern attract you?


The narrative symmetry arose primarily out of the needs of telling the story rather than as part of a conscious design. The artistic process you go through in making a film is as much a matter of discovery as it is the execution of a plan. Your first responsibility in writing a screenplay is to pay the closest possible attention to the author's ideas and make sure you really understand what he has written and why he has written it. I know this sounds pretty obvious but you'd be surprised how often this is not done. There is a tendency for the screenplay writer to be "creative" too quickly. The next thing is to make sure that the story survives the selection and compression which has to occur in order to tell it in a maximum of three hours, and preferably two. This phase usually seals the fate of most major novels, which really need the large canvas upon which they are presented.


In the first part of A Clockwork Orange, we were against Alex. In the second part, we were on his side. In this film, the attraction/repulsion feeling towards Barry is present throughout.


Thackeray referred to it as "a novel without a hero". Barry is naive and uneducated. He is driven by a relentless ambition for wealth and social position. This proves to be an unfortunate combination of qualities which eventually lead to great misfortune and unhappiness for himself and those around him. Your feelings about Barry are mixed but he has charm and courage, and it is impossible not to like him despite his vanity, his insensitivity and his weaknesses. He is a very real character who is neither a conventional hero nor a conventional villain.


The feeling that we have at the end is one of utter waste.


Perhaps more a sense of tragedy, and because of this the story can assimilate the twists and turns of the plot without becoming melodrama. Melodrama uses all the problems of the world, and the difficulties and disasters which befall the characters, to demonstrate that the world is, after all, a benevolent and just place.


The last sentence which says that all the characters are now equal can be taken as a nihilistic or religious statement. From your films, one has the feeling that you are a nihilist who would like to believe.


I think you'll find that it is merely an ironic postscript taken from the novel. Its meaning seems quite clear to me and, as far as I'm concerned, it has nothing to do with nihilism or religion.


One has the feeling in your films that the world is in a constant state of war. The apes are fighting in 2001. There is fighting, too, in Paths Of Glory, and Dr. Strangelove. In Barry Lyndon, you have a war in the first part, and then in the second part we find the home is a battleground, too.


Drama is conflict, and violent conflict does not find its exclusive domain in my films. Nor is it uncommon for a film to be built around a situation where violent conflict is the driving force. With respect to Barry Lyndon, after his successful struggle to achieve wealth and social position, Barry proves to be badly unsuited to this role. He has clawed his way into a gilded cage, and once inside his life goes really bad. The violent conflicts which subsequently arise come inevitably as a result of the characters and their relationships. Barry's early conflicts carry him forth into life and they bring him adventure and happiness, but those in later life lead only to pain and eventually to tragedy.


In many ways, the film reminds us of silent movies. I am thinking particularly of the seduction of Lady Lyndon by Barry at the gambling table.


That's good. I think that silent films got a lot more things right than talkies. Barry and Lady Lyndon sit at the gaming table and exchange lingering looks. They do not say a word. Lady Lyndon goes out on the balcony for some air. Barry follows her outside. They gaze longingly into each other's eyes and kiss. Still not a word is spoken. It's very romantic, but at the same time, I think it suggests the empty attraction they have for each other that is to disappear as quickly as it arose. It sets the stage for everything that is to follow in their relationship. The actors, the images and the Schubert worked well together, I think.


Did you have Schubert's Trio in mind while preparing and shooting this particular scene?


No, I decided on it while we were editing. Initially, I thought it was right to use only eighteenth-century music. But sometimes you can make ground-rules for yourself which prove unnecessary and counter-productive. I think I must have listened to every LP you can buy of eighteenth-century music. One of the problems which soon became apparent is that there are no tragic love-themes in eighteenth-century music. So eventually I decided to use Schubert's Trio in E Flat, Opus 100, written in 1828. It's a magnificent piece of music and it has just the right restrained balance between the tragic and the romantic without getting into the headier stuff of later Romanticism.


You also cheated in another way by having Leonard Rosenman orchestrate Handel's Sarabande in a more dramatic style than you would find in eighteenth-century composition.


This arose from another problem about eighteenth-century music -- it isn't very dramatic, either. I first came across the Handel theme played on a guitar and, strangely enough, it made me think of Ennio Morricone. I think it worked very well in the film, and the very simple orchestration kept it from sounding out of place.


It also accompanies the last duel -- not present in the novel -- which is one of the most striking scenes in the film and is set in a dovecote.


The setting was a tithe barn which also happened to have a lot of pigeons resting in the rafters. We've seen many duels before in films, and I wanted to find a different and interesting way to present the scene. The sound of the pigeons added something to this, and, if it were a comedy, we could have had further evidence of the pigeons. Anyway, you tend to expect movie duels to be fought outdoors, possibly in a misty grove of trees at dawn. I thought the idea of placing the duel in a barn gave it an interesting difference. This idea came quite by accident when one of the location scouts returned with some photographs of the barn. I think it was Joyce who observed that accidents are the portals to discovery. Well, that's certainly true in making films. And perhaps in much the same way, there is an aspect of film-making which can be compared to a sporting contest. You can start with a game plan but depending on where the ball bounces and where the other side happens to be, opportunities and problems arise which can only be effectively dealt with at that very moment.


In 2001: A Space Odyssey, for example, there seemed no clever way for HAL to learn that the two astronauts distrusted him and were planning to disconnect his brain. It would have been irritatingly careless of them to talk aloud, knowing that HAL would hear and understand them. Then the perfect solution presented itself from the actual phsical layout of the space pod in the pod bay. The two men went into the pod and turned off every switch to make them safe from HAL's microphones. They sat in the pod facing each other and in the center of the shot, visible through the sound-proof glass port, you could plainly see the red glow of HAL's bug-eye lens, some fifteen feet away. What the conspirators didn't think of was that HAL would be able to read their lips.


Did you find it more constricting, less free, making an historical film where we all have precise conceptions of a period? Was it more of a challenge?


No, because at least you know what everything looked like. In 2001: A Space Odyssey everything had to be designed. But neither type of film is easy to do. In historical and futuristic films, there is an inverse relationship between the ease the audience has taking in at a glance the sets, costumes and decor, and the film-maker's problems in creating it. When everything you see has to be designed and constructed, you greatly increase the cost of the film, add tremendously to all the normal problems of film-making, making it virtually impossible to have the flexibility of last-minute changes which you can manage in a contemporary film.


You are well-known for the thoroughness with which you accumulate information and do research when you work on a project. Is it for you the thrill of being a reporter or a detective?


I suppose you could say it is a bit like being a detective. On Barry Lyndon, I accumulated a very large picture file of drawings and paintings taken from art books. These pictures served as the reference for everything we needed to make -- clothes, furniture, hand props, architecture, vehicles, etc. Unfortunately, the pictures would have been too awkward to use while they were still in the books, and I'm afraid we finally had very guiltily to tear up a lot of beautiful art books. They were all, fortunately, still in print which made it seem a little less sinful. Good research is an absolute necessity and I enjoy doing it. You have an important reason to study a subject in much greater depth than you would ever have done otherwise, and then you have the satisfaction of putting the knowledge to immediate good use. The designs for the clothes were all copied from drawings and paintings of the period. None of them were designed in the normal sense. This is the best way, in my opinion, to make historical costumes. It doesn't seem sensible to have a designer interpret -- say -- the eighteenth century, using the same picture sources from which you could faithfully copy the clothes. Neither is there much point sketching the costumes again when they are already beautifully represented in the paintings and drawings of the period. What is very important is to get some actual clothes of the period to learn how they were originally made. To get them to look right, you really have to make them the same way. Consider also the problem of taste in designing clothes, even for today. Only a handful of designers seem to have a sense of what is striking and beautiful. How can a designer, however brilliant, have a feeling for the clothes of another period which is equal to that of the people and the designers of the period itself, as recorded in their pictures? I spent a year preparing Barry Lyndon before the shooting began and I think this time was very well spent. The starting point and sine qua non of any historical or futuristic story is to make you believe what you see.


The danger in an historical film is that you lose yourself in details, and become decorative.


The danger connected with any multi-faceted problem is that you might pay too much attention to some of the problems to the detriment of others, but I am very conscious of this and I make sure I don't do that.


Why do you prefer natural lighting?


Because it's the way we see things. I have always tried to light my films to simulate natural light; in the daytime using the windows actually to light the set, and in night scenes the practical lights you see in the set. This approach has its problems when you can use bright electric light sources, but when candelabras and oil lamps are the brightest light sources which can be in the set, the difficulties are vastly increased. Prior to Barry Lyndon, the problem has never been properly solved. Even if the director and cameraman had the desire to light with practical light sources, the film and the lenses were not fast enough to get an exposure. A 35mm movie camera shutter exposes at about 1/50 of a second, and a useable exposure was only possible with a lens at least 100% faster than any which had ever been used on a movie camera. Fortunately, I found just such a lens, one of a group of ten which Zeiss had specially manufactured for NASA satellite photography. The lens had a speed of fO.7, and it was 100% faster than the fastest movie lens. A lot of work still had to be done to it and to the camera to make it useable. For one thing, the rear element of the lens had to be 2.5mm away from the film plane, requiring special modification to the rotating camera shutter. But with this lens it was now possible to shoot in light conditions so dim that it was difficult to read. For the day interior scenes, we used either the real daylight from the windows, or simulated daylight by banking lights outside the windows and diffusing them with tracing paper taped on the glass. In addition to the very beautiful lighting you can achieve this way, it is also a very practical way to work. You don't have to worry about shooting into your lighting equipment. All your lighting is outside the window behind tracing paper, and if you shoot towwards the window you get a very beautiful and realistic flare effect.


How did you decide on Ryan O'Neal?


He was the best actor for the part. He looked right and I was confident that he possessed much greater acting ability than he had been allowed to show in many of the films he had previously done. In retrospect, I think my confidence in him was fully justified by his performance, and I still can't think of anyone who would have been better for the part. The personal qualities of an actor, as they relate to the role, are almost as important as his ability, and other actors, say, like Al Pacino, Jack Nicholson or Dustin Hoffman, just to name a few who are great actors, would nevertheless have been wrong to play Barry Lyndon. I liked Ryan and we got along very well together. In this regard the only difficulties I have ever had with actors happened when their acting technique wasn't good enough to do something you asked of them. One way an actor deals with this difficulty is to invent a lot of excuses that have nothing to do with the real problem. This was very well represented in Truuffaut's Day For Night when Valentina Cortese, the star of the film within the film, hadn't bothered to learn her lines and claimed her dialogue fluffs were due to the confusion created by the script girl playing a bit part in the scene.


How do you explain some of the misunderstandings about the film by the American press and the English press?


The American press was predominantly enthusiastic about the film, and Time magazine ran a cover story about it. The international press was even more enthusiastic. It is true that the English press was badly split. But from the very beginning, all of my films have divided the critics. Some have thought them wonderful, and others have found very little good to say. But subsequent critical opinion has always resulted in a very remarkable shift to the favorable. In one instance, the same critic who originally rapped the film has several years later put it on an all-time best list. But, of course, the lasting and ultimately most important reputation of a film is not based on reviews, but on what, if anything, people say about it over the years, and on how much affection for it they have.


You are an innovator, but at the same time you are very conscious of tradition.


I try to be, anyway. I think that one of the problems with twentieth-century art is its preoccupation with subjectivity and originality at the expense of everything else. This has been especially true in painting and music. Though initially stimulating, this soon impeded the full development of any particular style, and rewarded uninteresting and sterile originality. At the same time, it is very sad to say, films have had the opposite problem -- they have consistently tried to formalize and repeat success, and they have clung to a form and style introduced in their infancy. The sure thing is what everone wants, and originality is not a nice word in this context. This is true despite the repeated example that nothing is as dangerous as a sure thing.


You have abandoned original film music in your last three films.


Exclude a pop music score from what I am about to say. However good our best film composers may be, they are not a Beethoven, a Mozart or a Brahms. Why use music which is less good when there is such a multitude of great orchestral music available from the past and from our own time? When you're editing a film, it's very helpful to be able to try out different pieces of music to see how they work with the scene. This is not at all an uncommon practice. Well, with a little more care and thought, these temporary music tracks can become the final score. When I had completed the editing of 2001: A Space Odyssey, I had laid in temporary music tracks for almost all of the music which was eventually used in the film. Then, in the normal way, I engaged the services of a distinguished film composer to write the score. Although he and I went over the picture very carefully, and he listened to these temporary tracks (Strauss, Ligeti, Khatchaturian) and agreed that they worked fine and would serve as a guide to the musical objectives of each sequence he, nevertheless, wrote and recorded a score which could not have been more alien to the music we had listened to, and much more serious than that, a score which, in my opinion, was completely inadequate for the film. With the premiere looming up, I had no time left even to think about another score being written, and had I not been able to use the music I had already selected for the temporary tracks I don't know what I would have done. The composer's agent phoned Robert O'Brien, the then head of MGM, to warn him that if I didn't use his client's score the film would not make its premiere date. But in that instance, as in all others, O'Brien trusted my judgment. He is a wonderful man, and one of the very few film bosses able to inspire genuine loyalty and affection from his film-makers.


Why did you choose to have only one flashback in the film: the child falling from the horse?


I didn't want to spend the time which would have been required to show the entire story action of young Bryan sneaking away from the house, taking the horse, falling, being found, etc. Nor did I want to learn about the accident solely through the dialogue scene in which the farm workers, carrying the injured boy, tell Barry. Putting the flashback fragment in the middle of the dialogue scene seemed to be the right thing to do.


Are your camera movements planned before?


Very rarely. I think there is virtually no point putting camera instructions into a screenplay, and only if some really important camera idea occurs to me, do I write it down. When you rehearse a scene, it is usually best not to think about the camera at all. If you do, I have found that it invariably interferes with the fullest exploration of the ideas of the scene. When, at last, something happens which you know is worth filming, that is the time to decide how to shoot it. It is almost but not quite true to say that when something really exciting and worthwhile is happening, it doesn't matter how you shoot it. In any event, it never takes me long to decide on set-ups, lighting or camera movements. The visual part of film making has always come easiest to me, and that is why I am careful to subordinate it to the story and the performances.


Do you like writing alone or would you like to work with a script writer?


I enjoy working with someone I find stimulating. One of the most fruitful and enjoyable collaborations I have had was with Arthur C. Clarke in writing the story of 2001: A Space Odyssey. One of the paradoxes of movie writing is that, with a few notable exceptions, writers who can really write are not interested in working on film scripts. They quite correctly regard their important work as being done for publication. I wrote the screenplay for Barry Lyndon alone. The first draft took three or four months but, as with all my films, the subsequent writing process never really stopped. What you have written and is yet unfilmed is inevitably affected by what has been filmed. New problems of content or dramatic weight reveal themselves. Rehearsing a scene can also cause script changes. However carefully you think about a scene, and however clearly you believe you have visualized it, it's never the same when you finally see it played. Sometimes a totally new idea comes up out of the blue, during a rehearsal, or even during actual shooting, which is simply too good to ignore. This can necessitate the new scene being worked out with the actors right then and there. As long as the actors know the objectives of the scene, and understand their characters, this is less difficult and much quicker to do than you might imagine.


Wednesday 23 October 2019

The Mandarin Trickster







[Toymaker's office]
 
In a striking office a man is dressed 
in the bejewelled robes of a Chinese Mandarin. 
His surroundings, a strange mixture of ultramodern and ornate, 
include a large desk incorporating a control panel 
and an elegant triangular gaming table. 

 
TOYMAKER
You'll serve my purpose admirably. 
You're very good at games. 
Clowns always are. 


You can show Steven and Dodo some 
of your tricks into the bargain.


The man has selected a pair of toy clowns, 
one happy and one sad, 
from the nursery of a large Victorian dolls house. 

The Happy One is a girl dressed in a harlequin costume. 
The Sad One is a boy in a white baggy suit with ruffles and a cone-shaped clown hat. 

Now, before his eyes, the dolls begin to grow.

[Toyroom]

DODO: 
If you want to go, then you go, but I'm sure 
that The Doctor would. Doctor!

Old Grandfather : 
Hmm? What is it?

DODO: 
There you are!

STEVEN: 
We can see you! 
Everything's all right.

Old Grandfather : 
Oh, you can see me?

STEVEN + DODO: 
Yes!

Old Grandfather : 
Well, splendid. Splendid.

DODO: 
Oh, let's go now. 
It must have just been 
the Refusian influence after all.

STEVEN: 
What's this extraordinary place?

Old Grandfather : 
Well, I'm not quite sure, dear boy, 
but it's, it's somewhat familiar.

DODO: 
It looks dead boring to me. 
Come on.

Old Grandfather :  
No, wait, child, wait.

DODO: 
Why?

Old Grandfather : 
Well, I don't think it was the Refusian's influence 
that made me become intangible

No, I think it was something here, 
and I don't like the feel of the place 
anymore than you do 
but we have to face up to it. 
You know, I think I was 
meant to come here.

STEVEN: 
Hey! Look! That's me!

DODO: 
What is?

STEVEN: 
Here, on this screen!

DODO: 
What screen?

STEVEN: 
Here! That's me on the planet Kemble.

(To Dodo the screen is blank.)

DODO: 
There's nothing there!

Old Grandfather : 
But I believe I now know 
where we are.

STEVEN
It's changed again. 
There I am in Paris.

DOCTOR: 
Now turn around this instant! 
Turn away from it, dear boy! 

We're now in The World of 
The Celestial Toymaker, 
and that screen is hypnotic. 
He's trying to dominate 
your mind.

STEVEN: 
But, Doctor —

Old Grandfather : 
There is nothing there
Do you understand me? 
There is nothing there at all. 
You must believe me.

STEVEN: 
What was it? 
What happened?

DODO: 
What's the matter, Doctor? 
I couldn't see anything on the screen.

Old Grandfather : 
Come here, child. 
Now whatever you do, you must not 
allow yourself to be trapped 
into looking at it.

DODO: 
Who's the Celestial Toymaker?

Old Grandfather
He's a Power for Evil. 
He manipulates people and makes 
them into his playthings. 

Whatever you do, neither of you must 
look at that screen. 
It's A Trap.

(In place of the Tardis now stands the Mandarin.)

TOYMAKER: 
What a spoil-sport you are, Doctor. 
They like my memory window.

Old Grandfather : 
You! I might have guessed.

TOYMAKER: 
Of course. I've been waiting 
for you a long time.

DODO: 
Where's the Tardis?

TOYMAKER: 
Don't worry, my dear. 
Just watch over there.

(As Dodo looks at the screen, an image appears of a young girl wearing a school beret.)

DODO: 
It's me the day my mother died!
DOCTOR: 
Turn away from it this instant!

STEVEN: 
Look away.
(Steven pulls Dodo to himself.)

TOYMAKER: 
What a shame. I thought my little invention would amuse you.

DOCTOR: 
You and your inventions, ha! 
Now, both of you, be very careful. 
This place is a hidden menace. Nothing is just for fun.


STEVEN: 
What's the idea of it?

DOCTOR: 
He's trying to get us into His Power. 
That's why we've got to fight him.

DODO: 
Well can't we just go? 
I hate this place.

DOCTOR: 
My dear, but how? 
That is the question.

DODO: 
In the Tardis, of course, as always.

TOYMAKER: 
There are many of them. 
Take your choice.

(On screen, rows of Tardises are filing past as if on a conveyor belt.)

STEVEN: 
There are hundreds of them!

TOYMAKER: 
Yes, hundreds. Come, Doctor.

DOCTOR: 
No!

(Steven and Dodo turn round. The room is completely empty.)

STEVEN: 
Doctor!
DODO: 
Have you gone invisible again?
STEVEN: No, he's gone. That man has taken him away.
DODO: I don't like it. We should never have stayed.
STEVEN: It's too late now.
DODO: Who was that man?
STEVEN: I don't know. But we've got to find the Doctor.
(The only door in the room suddenly opens and two clowns enter the room on tiptoe.)
STEVEN: What on Earth?
DODO: Shhh! Shhh! Steven.
STEVEN: But why have I got to be quiet?
(Joey, the sad clown offers Steven his hand which comes away in Steven's own, as Clara, the happy clown pops a balloon with a hat pin. The newcomers mime convulsive laughter. Dodo giggles.)
STEVEN: Very funny. Don't see what you've got to laugh about.
DODO: If you could only see your face with that hand.
(Joey presents Dodo with a bouquet.)
DODO: For me? (honk) Oh thanks. No one's ever given me flowers before.
(As she leans in to smell them, a jet of water squirts in her face. It's Steven's turn to be amused.)
STEVEN: If you could just see your face.
DODO: I'm not sure that I like these clowns.
STEVEN: Look, can either of you talk? (honk) Well, how about you?
CLARA: (very high pitched) Yes, I can talk. How are you?
(Carmen Silvera long before 'Allo, Allo.)
STEVEN: I'm fine. But what do you want with us?
TOYMAKER: They're here to entertain you. Play a game with you.
STEVEN: Well, thank you very much. We've been entertained. We don't want to play your games. Now where have you taken the Doctor?
TOYMAKER: Taken the Doctor? Nowhere, my dear chap. The Doctor and I are going to play a little game together. You can watch the results on that board.
(He points to the screen.)
TOYMAKER: But you must win all your games before he does.
STEVEN: Look, we're not interested in your games. We want to go back to the Tardis.
TOYMAKER: That's impossible.
STEVEN: Impossible?
TOYMAKER: Well, not quite impossible, but you'll have to win a few games first. After each game, if you win, you will find a Tardis, which may or may not be the real one.
STEVEN: What do you mean, the real one?
TOYMAKER: As you have seen, I have many copies.
DODO: So we have to win a game before we can get to the Tardis.
TOYMAKER: Right. Several games, in fact.
STEVEN: And if we lose?
TOYMAKER: Then you both stay here as my guests.
DODO: We'd better play his silly games, Steven.
STEVEN: I don't see why we should humour him. He's obviously around the bend.
DODO: That's just it. If we don't do as he says, we may never get out of here.
TOYMAKER: Well?
STEVEN: All right, we'll play your little games. But if we win, we get the Tardis back, okay?
TOYMAKER: Agreed.
STEVEN: And if we lose?
TOYMAKER: You'll never see the Tardis again.
(The Toymaker vanishes.)
STEVEN: Wait!
DODO: You never asked him about the Doctor.
STEVEN: Oh, he's probably got his game to play. I'm glad we're not playing that one.
DODO: What are we playing?
CLARA: Blind Man's Buff!

[Toymaker's office]

(The Toymaker and the Doctor face each other across the triangular table.)
DOCTOR: You will kindly cease this practical joking, and let us go at once.
TOYMAKER: Patience, Doctor, patience. You've only just got here. Relax. It's so nice to see you again.
DOCTOR: And now you have, so let us go.
TOYMAKER: You're so innocent, Doctor. The last time you were here, I hoped you'd stay long enough for a game, but you had hardly time to turn around.
DOCTOR: And very wise I was, too. You and your games are quite notorious. You draw people here like a spider does to flies.
TOYMAKER: How absurd. It amuses me to give amusement.
DOCTOR: And should they lose the game they play, you condemn them to become your toy forever.
TOYMAKER: That is one of my rules, certainly. But if they win, they're perfectly free to go.
DOCTOR: And if I refuse?
TOYMAKER: Then you lose by default. Is that what you choose?
DOCTOR: No, I do not. I should never have left the Tardis.
TOYMAKER: You're so insatiably curious. That's why I ensured that the scanner would be blank. I knew that would bring you out.
DOCTOR: Another one of your conjuring tricks. What game is it you want me to play?
(The Toymaker indicates the table.)
TOYMAKER: This.
(Each of the three corners is inlaid with a letter, A B and C.)
DOCTOR: The trilogic game?
TOYMAKER: The trilogic game. A game for the mind, Doctor, the developed mind. Difficult for the practiced mind. Dangerous for the mind that has become old, lazy or weak.
DOCTOR: You infer that my mind is getting weak and old?
TOYMAKER: Well now, we shall see. Perhaps it is merely lazy.
DOCTOR: How dare you.
TOYMAKER: So you still think that you can pit your mind against mine?
DOCTOR: Of course I can.
TOYMAKER: Good. I hope that the time you have spent dabbling in your researches round the universe hasn't dulled you. I need you.
DOCTOR: You need me?
TOYMAKER: Yes. I'm bored. I love to play games, but there's no one to play against. The beings who call here have no minds and so they become my toys. But you will become my perpetual opponent. We shall play endless games together, your brain against mine.
DOCTOR: As you said, if I win the game, I can go.
TOYMAKER: So you can, Doctor, so you can. But I think you will lose. Can you remember how to play?
(Ten triangular playing counters stacked in a pyramid now appear on corner A, with number 1, the smallest, at the top.)
DOCTOR: I am only allowed to move one piece at a time.
TOYMAKER: That is right. And you must rearrange them in the same order that they are now on point C.
DOCTOR: And I am not permitted to put a larger piece on a small piece.
TOYMAKER: Correct. And you have 1,023 moves to do it in. That is the exact amount. If you make one mistake, you lose. And to help you count, there.
(He indicates a tally recorder.)
TOYMAKER: When the two rows of numbers match, the game is over.
(The top row reads 1023, the bottom 0.)
DOCTOR: I see. Can I begin?
TOYMAKER: Don't be so impatient, Doctor.
(He points to a monitor on the wall.)
TOYMAKER> There. We mustn't forget them.
DOCTOR: You are not asking them to play this game.
TOYMAKER: Good heavens, no. They are on the competitive quest.
DOCTOR: Competitive? And who are the others?
TOYMAKER: Two clown friends of mine. They are the home team. They will play against your friends and win the quest.
DOCTOR: Quest? What quest?
TOYMAKER: The hunt for the Tardis. Win the games, and you get it back.

[Toyroom]

(Thanks to the efforts of the two clowns, the floor of the toyroom now resembles a huge board game with a series of obstacles laid out between Start and Home.)
DODO: It's rather like a Snakes and Ladders set I used to have.
STEVEN: Looks crazy to me.
DODO: Oh, go on, have a go. It looks fun.
STEVEN: What, me on that? Not on your life.
DODO: But this is the game we have to play, right?
CLARA: This is your game.
STEVEN: Right, then you play it.
CLARA: Oh no! You must play it. It's all quite simple. You start here, blindfold.
STEVEN: You must be joking. Kids game.
DODO: Steven! Go on.
CLARA: You have to cross these obstacles without falling down. And if you get home without falling down, you win the game.
STEVEN: And what's old What's-His-Name there going to be doing all this time?
CLARA: His name is Joey. I'm Clara. He will play it too, of course.
STEVEN: And if he loses? No answer that time. And what happens if we both manage it?
CLARA: Then we play it again until someone loses.
STEVEN: Oh, it's a great future the Toymaker's got mapped out for us. All right, chum, you want to show me how it's done? (honk, bell, honk, bell) That means yes, I suppose. (honk)
(Clara ties a blindfold over Joey's eyes and guides him onto the start position. The first obstacle is a set of pinnacles over which Joey must swing on a rope.)
CLARA: You must come with me.
(She leads Steven and Dodo into a glass-fronted booth. Inside is a control panel.)
CLARA: This is where we control them. One buzz for right turn, two for left, three to stop, four to start.
(Buzz buzz buzz buzz. Joey feels for the rope, unties it and swings across the pinnacles, landing sure-footedly on the first of a series of stepping stones, the second obstacle. He steps confidently from one stone to the next.)

[Toymaker's office]

(Watching the monitor alone, the Doctor finds a communication switch.)
DOCTOR: Dodo? Steven? This is the Doctor. The game you're going to play is not so innocent as it looks. Be on your guard.

[Toyroom]

DOCTOR [OC]: If you lose this game, we shall be here forever. So watch out for

[Toymaker's office]

TOYMAKER: That was unwise of you, Doctor.
(The Toymaker's flicked the switch.)
DOCTOR: I must warn them.
TOYMAKER: Attend to your own game. Go from move 152.
(Seemingly of their own volition, the counters and tally move as the Toymaker has commanded.)
TOYMAKER: Keep playing, Doctor. And to stop you interfering, I shall have to dematerialise you again. There.
(Once again, the Doctor is intangible.)
DOCTOR [OC]: You are overreaching yourself, Toymaker. How can I play this game?
TOYMAKER: Let's see. Suppose we leave you one hand, there. I suggest you resume the game.
(The Doctor's disembodied hand hovers over the table. With great dignity he takes counter 1 from B and places it on C, then moves counter 2 from B to A.)
TOYMAKER: I thought you'd see it my way, Doctor.

[Toyroom]

(Joey has completed the third and fourth obstacles, and reaches Home.)
CLARA: We won! We won!
STEVEN: Just a minute. I haven't had a go yet.
DODO: But the Doctor warned us.
STEVEN: It's all right, I can manage it. Rope, five stones, steps, plank, tube. Now I can do it if you can guide me. After all, he can do it. And you remember the directions?
DODO: Right, one buzz. Left, two buzzes. Four to start and three to stop.
(Leaving Dodo in the booth, Steven positions himself at the start of the course. Clara ties on his blindfold.)
CLARA: Can you see?
STEVEN: Not a thing. Right, I'm ready.
(Clara joins Dodo whilst Joey hovers nonchalantly around the course.)
CLARA: Ready now.
(Buzz buzz buzz buzz. As Steven prepares to rope swing across to the stepping stones, Joey nudges the first stone out of position.)
DODO: Look what he's doing! Cheat! You cheat! Steven, look out!
CLARA: He can't hear you! The door's self-locking!
(Buzz buzz buzz.)
STEVEN: Dodo, be careful. You nearly made me fall that time.
(Steven swings across but his feet find nothing on the other side.)
STEVEN: What have you done now, you clown, you?
(Honk, buzz)
STEVEN: One right. One right?
(He swings again, this time landing safely.)
STEVEN: Phew, that was close. (honk) Yes, you'll honk when I get this blindfold off. Now he's moved another. He moved the first to the right, he's moved the second to the left.
(Buzz buzz buzz.)
STEVEN: No, what now? (buzz) To the right? (honk) You wait!
(With Joey continuing to disrupt the course, Steven is forced to listen carefully to Dodo's signals as he gingerly negotiates the other stones. Buzz buzz. Buzz. Buzz. Eventually Steven steps off the final stone onto a stepladder and sits down to mop his brow.)
DODO: I don't see how he has a chance of winning if you cheat all the time.
CLARA: Cheat? Oh no. It's just a few variations. It makes it more fun.
(For the next stage, Steven must cross a plank mounted between two sets of steps. As he's edging along, Joey tries to distract him.)
STEVEN: What was that? (honk) You again. I warn you! (honk) Games with clowns.
(He reaches the end and begins to climb down. The final obstacle is a large flexible tube which he must pass through in order to reach home. Buzz buzz buzz. Buzz buzz.) DODO: He's far too big to squeeze through that tube.
CLARA: Joey did.
DODO: But suppose he gets stuck half way, what then?
(Once Steven has entered the tube, Joey drags the other end round to form a U shape.)
DODO: Look what he's done! It's not fair!
CLARA: He goes back to the start!
DODO: And you think that's fair? Let me out of here! Open the door!
CLARA: I can't!
DODO: Oh, you're just like a doll! A rag doll! I don't think this funny at all.
(Emerging from the end of the tube, Steven feels for the table marking Home. Instead, he finds the steps again.)
STEVEN: Oh, no!
(He tears off the blindfold.)
STEVEN: Look, I warned you!
CLARA: We won! We won!
DODO: You cheated. Steven completed the course.
CLARA: We won! Now you'll never find the Tardis!
STEVEN: Look, it's a draw. Now let's do it again, this time with him in the booth!
CLARA: The winner!
DODO: Steven, look at this! You can see right through it. It's not a real blindfold at all!
(The two clowns look crestfallen.)
STEVEN: No wonder you were able to run round the course so easily. And now we'll try it again, only this time with a real blindfold. Not so fast! Here, put that on him. You'd better go in the booth to guide him.
(Clara obeys whilst Dodo ties the genuine blindfold round Joey's head. The room has grown darker and the clowns are suddenly sombre.)
STEVEN: Right. Now we'll play The Toymaker's little game fairly. Go on, Dodo, start him off.
(Buzz buzz buzz buzz. Joey begins the course once again, guided by Clara's signals.)
DODO: Steven, I'm frightened. Have you noticed he's not funny anymore?
(Buzz buzz. Buzz. Buzz. The clown teeters precariously on the plank.)
DODO: Steven, you'd better stop him. He'll fall.
STEVEN: We can't stop him. It's him or us. Go on. You can't stop now!
(As Joey continues, his movements grow still and slow, until finally he topples over. In the booth, Clara is slumped lifeless over the controls. Suddenly all the lights go off, there's a loud thunderclap, and there illuminated at the far end of the room is the Tardis.)
STEVEN: Come on.
DODO: It can't be empty!
STEVEN: It is.
(There's only a blank cupboard behind the doors.)
STEVEN: Look.
DODO: What's that?
(It's a piece of paper. Dodo reads.)
DODO: Four legs, no feet, of arms no lack, it carries no burden on its back. Six deadly sisters, seven for choice, call the servants without voice. What does it mean?
STEVEN: A riddle. Look, here's a way out.
DODO: Perhaps this is to tell us where the Tardis is.
STEVEN: Or perhaps it's just another game. Anyway, we've got to find out.
(An exit has opened up at the back of the cupboard. Before following Steven through, Dodo glances back at the clowns. Twisted wooden dolls return to their proper size. With a shudder, she runs from the room.)

Episode Two - The Hall of Dolls

[Cupboard]

(Steven and Dodo face yet another panelled door, this one heavily bolted and with a sign saying 'Pull to open.' One panel shows a numeric display.)
DODO: This is the next game?
STEVEN: No. We'll find the next game behind this door.
DODO: How can you be sure?
STEVEN: Look.
DODO: The Doctor's move recorder for his game.
STEVEN: Yes, I know. This door's here to delay us. I think we're meant to try to get it open. The Toymaker's hoping that we'll waste time.
(They undo all of the locks.)
STEVEN: That should do it. It won't open.
DODO: But it must. What's wrong with it? I know, let's pull instead.
(They do so, and the door flies open, offering them a view of the first Chair Room.)

[Toymaker's study]

(The Doctor's hand makes his 417th move.)
DOCTOR: I haven't made a mistake yet.
TOYMAKER: Let's hope not, Doctor. I would hate you to end up in my dolls' house. I reserve that fate for your two friends.
DOCTOR: They'll win, too.
TOYMAKER: No, they will lose one game, and then, like the clowns, they'll become my toys, and we shall be able to amuse ourselves through all eternity.
DOCTOR: What do you mean?
TOYMAKER: You remember the agreement? They must find your Tardis before you finish your game. If they don't, then you will have to stay here and you'll be in my power forever. Look, they've already reached their next test.
DOCTOR: That game? I might have known.
(The hand presses a communicator.)
DOCTOR: Steven! Dodo! Take care. It's chair number
TOYMAKER: You fool! Now I have been forced to make you dumb as well as intangible. You cannot speak until you have reached the second to last move of the trilogic game. Now then, let them play their games whilst you play yours. Go from move 444. And no more clever tricks, if you please.
(As the counters move themselves into new positions, the Toymaker spreads a pack of playing cards on his desk.)
TOYMAKER: Your friends managed to outwit my clowns. I shall have to find more worthy opponents for them. There. I think perhaps the Heart family. They have great experience in a great variety of games.

[First Chair room]

STEVEN: The Doctor was trying to warn us.
TOYMAKER: I'm seriously annoyed with your friend. Once again, he tried to talk to you, so I've had to deprive him of his voice. Let it be a warning to you. Play the games according to the rules I set, or give up now.
STEVEN: The rules you set? Your own players break them. They cheat!
DODO: 

How can we believe anything you say? Everything here is so strange.
STEVEN: We can't even be certain that that was the Doctor's voice we heard at all. It could have been you leading us toward another trap.
TOYMAKER: I'm glad to see you're at last treating me with respect.
DODO: Only as long as you have the Doctor. After that, we'll see
STEVEN: Forget it, Dodo, he's gone.
(The room contains three elaborate numbered thrones.)
STEVEN: What odd looking chairs. Perhaps these are what the Doctor was trying to warn us about.
QUEEN: Is this the room? Is this the room, I said.
(Carmen Silvera in another role.)
KING: Oh, er I think so, my dear.
(Joey the clown reborn)
QUEEN: And I suppose these are the people we have to play against.
KING: Hmm? Oh! Oh! Peasants, my dear.
QUEEN: Peasants!
STEVEN: Just a minute. Who do you think you're calling a peasant?
DODO: Steven, don't you see who they are?
STEVEN: Well, yes, they do look familiar.
DODO: They're playing cards. We shall play our next game with a couple of playing cards.
STEVEN: The Toymaker's warped sense of humour, I suppose.
QUEEN: None of these look in the least like your throne.
KING: Hmmm? No, no, no, they don't, do we my dear. Although the Toymaker did say we'd find them in here, didn't he?
STEVEN: What was that riddle again?
DODO: Er, four legs, no feet, of arms no lack, it carries no burden on its back.
STEVEN: That must be these chairs.
DODO: But what about the rest of it? Six deadly sisters, seven for choice, call the servants without voice.
STEVEN: Hmmm. Well that can't be the chairs. There are only three of them.
QUEEN: You're not paying the least attention again. I warned you, if we don't find that throne, he'll keep us here. We shall remain playing cards for the rest of eternity.
KING: Ah! Very good point, my dear. Yes, yes, we must find the throne.
DODO: What do you make of them? They seem almost like real people.
STEVEN: Oh, ignore them. They're sent here to distract us. Let's take a look through here.
QUEEN: Where's that Knave? Cyril! Cyril! Tormenting the Joker again I'll be bound.
(The Knave of Hearts, Cyril, enters with the Joker.
JOKER: Did you have to give him that sword?
QUEEN: Quiet, Fool. Cyril, what are you doing?
CYRIL: Nothing. Just playing with the Fool. I'm hungry.
(This ought to be Gerald Campion aka Billy Bunter, but it's not. Looks and sounds very similar though. Younger readers, think Christopher Biggins. If you must.)
KING: Ho, ho! The boy's always hungry.
JOKER: He's a pig.
QUEEN: What did you say?
JOKER: I said, give him a fig. I thought there was a throne to find.
QUEEN: So there is. Where have those peasants gone?
KING: Hmm? Oh, through that door, my dear.
QUEEN: Why didn't you tell me?
KING: Well, you never asked, me dear.
QUEEN: We must follow them at once.
KING: Oh.
QUEEN: Fool, you stay here and look after these chairs.
KING: Oh, but, now that the Fool is here, don't you think we could have a joke or two?
QUEEN: No! Come on.
KING: Oh, well, then, a riddle then? Or a merry quip?
QUEEN: Are you coming?
KING: Oh, yes, my dear.

[Second Chair room]

(Steven and Dodo have slipped away down a side passage. They find themselves in a second chair room containing four more chairs numbered from four to seven. Set into the walls are four familiar looking cupboards.)
STEVEN: Dodo! Four in here, three in there. It must be the chairs. What is it? Six deadly sisters, seven for choice. I suppose that means six of them are dangerous.
DODO: And only one is the right one.
STEVEN: We'll have to find out which one by elimination. But how? And how dangerous are they?
DODO: No, Steven, don't.
STEVEN: Why? What's wrong?
DODO: Don't risk it. None of the Toymakers' toys are just jokes. Six of these chairs will destroy us.
STEVEN: It's a charming thought, but you're probably right. But Dodo, have you noticed all these cupboards? They're all exactly the same shape as the Tardis.
DODO: Yes, but they could be as dangerous as the chairs.
STEVEN: No, I don't think so. There are only four, and there weren't any in the other room.
(He opens the first cupboard. Dodo screams.)
STEVEN: It's all right, they're only dolls.
DODO: I've got it. We'll use the dolls to sit in the chairs. If we've got enough that is. That's four here, and these three make up the seven.
STEVEN: Don't touch them!
DODO: Why? What's wrong?
STEVEN: Well, they may be dangerous, too.
DODO: But the riddle said six deadly sisters, and some of these are men dolls.
STEVEN: What was the last line again?
DODO: Erm, call the servants without voice. But you can't call someone without speaking.
STEVEN: But they haven't got voices. We have. Dolls, come out! Look, they must be the servants. Maybe it's some poetic term, the call bit.
(When none of the mannequins stir, Steven pulls four of them out onto the floor.)
STEVEN: Nothing's happened yet. Well, if we can get them all out before the king and queen get here, we can test the chairs.
DODO: Wait. With seven dolls in three cupboards, what's the other one for?
STEVEN: Perhaps that might be the real Tardis.
(Whilst they're examining the cupboard the other door slides shut, leaving three dolls still inside.)
DODO: It won't open.
STEVEN: Of course, the Doctor's got the key. Come on, look!
(He points to a game tally.)
STEVEN: The Doctor's more than half way through his game already. We've got to find out what we've got to do here first, quick, before the others arrive.
QUEEN: Ah, the peasants again. Caught you in the act. What are you up to?
KING: Oh, they seem to be playing with dolls, my dear.
QUEEN: I can see that. The point is, what are they doing with them?
DODO: They seem very real. We're going to use the dolls to test the chairs.
QUEEN: To test them?
DODO: Yes. Six of them are dangerous and only one is safe. You know, I feel very foolish talking to a playing card.
QUEEN: A playing card?
DODO: Well, aren't you?
STEVEN: Dodo, it's useless talking to them. They're just products of the Toymaker's imagination.
QUEEN: We're as real as you are. Henry.
KING: Oh, er, yes, my dear?
QUEEN: Come here.
KING: Yes, my dear.
QUEEN: Let this wretched child feel your arm.
KING: Feel my arm?
QUEEN: There, child. Isn't that an arm? Not much of one, I grant you, but nevertheless, a real arm.
DODO: It is, Steven, these are real people. Feel his arm.
STEVEN: No, I'll take your word for it. Look, if you're real people, what are you doing here? And why are you wearing those ridiculous clothes?
KING: Ah yes, well, it would take a little too long to explain, my boy. The fact is that we are victims of the Toymaker, the same as you are. For instance, if I were to sit in this chair.
QUEEN: Henry, no! We don't know.
KING: Oh! Oh, no, no, no, we don't, do we?
QUEEN: We must use the dolls. We'll each choose a doll in turn, and then we'll take it in turn to test the chairs, that way we'll find the answer even quicker.
DODO: We found the dolls. They're ours. And we're supposed to be playing against you.
QUEEN: But that doesn't seem right. There are four dolls and four of us. We must be meant to have one each. That's only fair.
KING: And then we can test the dolls sitting in the chair before doing so ourselves?
DODO: What do you mean, one each? What about
STEVEN: It's all right, Dodo.
DODO: Yes, but what about
STEVEN: It'll be all right. Now never mind and keep quiet. All right, go ahead. Choose your dolls.
DODO: But I don't understand. What about the others?

KING: 
Oh, no no no, don't fuss yourself, m'dear. 
The point of the game is to see 
who picks the chair which isn't dangerous, 
and whoever does that is the winner. 
If it's you, you'll get your Tardis back, and if it is us, 
we get our liberty.

STEVEN: 
Now, he's right Dodo. Now go on, choose your doll, and keep quiet. We'll try our luck in the other room.
DODO: Oh, very well.
KING: Oh, are you going, m'dear?
STEVEN: We'll see you later.
QUEEN: I thought we were all supposed to play this game together?
STEVEN: Well as there are seven chairs, I thought that Dodo and I might try our luck in the other room. That way we'll all have an equal chance.
KING: Ah, yes, yes, yes, certainly my boy, yes, anything you like. Yes, well, good luck.
STEVEN: Come on, Dodo.
DODO: All right, I'm just coming. They're so big.
(Armed with a doll each, Steven and Dodo take their leave.)
KING: Charming couple, aren't they?
QUEEN: It isn't very charming to be told you're not real. We were not amused. Well, which chair do you suggest?
KING: Yes, well, none of them look like the throne, do they m'dear?
QUEEN: Well, then you must pick one at random.
KING: Ah, yes of course, random, yes, yes. Ah, now.
(The King closes his eyes and is about to sit in chair seven.)
KING; Eenie meenie minie moe, catch a nigger by the toe. Ah!
QUEEN: No, Henry! Put the doll in it.
KING: Oh, the doll, yes, quite right, yes, my dear, of course, the doll. Ah, here we are then. Now then, we'll take the doll and then. Oof. I say, it's rather heavy, my dear. Nearly as heavy as I am, I've no doubt that this will be perfectly good test for the
(A metal clamp secures the doll and it begins to vibrate furiously.)
QUEEN: Henry!

[First Chair room]

(The Joker and Cyril are asleep in the first room.)
STEVEN: Oh, no. Not more playing cards.
DODO: They look rather sweet, don't they? A Jack and a Joker.
STEVEN: Leave them alone and concentrate. You nearly gave the game away in the other room. They think that there are only four dolls. Now if everyone chooses the wrong chair with those dolls, we're going to need the extra ones to find the right chair.
DODO: Is that fair? They seem quite nice and friendly.
STEVEN: Can't you understand? We've got to win every game, otherwise we'll never see the Tardis again. This isn't a children's party.
DODO: Well, I'm sure if you explained that then the King and Queen would help us.
STEVEN: Oh, Dodo, they belong to the Toymaker, remember that. He wants to keep us here. At any rate, the Doctor.
DODO: Why?
STEVEN: I don't know, and it doesn't matter. But we've got to find the Tardis before the Doctor finishes the game he's playing. Right. Throw your doll into a chair.
DODO: Throw it?
STEVEN: Yes. Six of these chairs are deadly, remember that. I don't want to see either of us caught out by one of those. Now throw it.
DODO: Very well.
(As the doll makes contact with chair number three, there's a blinding flash.)
DODO: What happened?
STEVEN: It was some sort of electrocution! That could've been us.
DODO: Yes. I see what you mean about this not being a children's party.
CYRIL: A party? Is it tea time, already? Mmmm, I smell crumpets toasting. What's that?
DODO: Oh, don't be scared of us.
(Seeing the burnt doll, the awakened Cyril takes flight down the passageway.)
STEVEN: All right, stand by. I'm going to try chair number one.
(STEVEN throws his doll onto the chair. As it hits, a fearsome blade shoots across the back of the chair, cutting the toy in two. Part of it topples to one side and falls to the floor.)
DODO: It's horrible! The Toymaker must be mad! Do you really think he means to kill us?
STEVEN: What do you think?
DODO: Well, what do we do now?
STEVEN: Well, we've got to get the other dolls. We've got to get out of this place.
DODO: We can't go in there!
STEVEN: Why?
DODO: Or they'll know about the three extra dolls then.

[Second Chair room]

(The King's doll is being shaken to pieces.)
QUEEN: Henry, turn the thing off.
KING: I don't think I can get near enough, my dear.
CYRIL: I wish you'd stop this silly game!
KING: Father's a very nice chair here for you, my boy.
CYRIL: Mother! Did you hear what he said?
QUEEN: Henry!
KING: Well, just a harmless little joke, my dear. Yes, well, I suppose we'd better try the doll in it, don't you think? Now then, upsa dazy. We shall try the doll in this chair now.
(He throws the remaining doll onto the chair number four. Both it and the chair slowly fade away.)
KING: Oh dear! It's, it's disappeared!
QUEEN: I can see that! Well, that leaves us with chairs number five and six. What do you propose we do now?
KING: Well, I suppose we'd better see how that young couple are getting on in their room.
QUEEN: Well, they can't have succeeded. We'd have had a visit from the Toymaker if they had.
KING: Ah, yes, yes. Oh, we need two more dolls. Ah, yes, a pity. I know, the Fool!
QUEEN: Oh really, Henry. How you can think of entertainment at a time like this? Oh yes, of course. I see. The Fool!
KING: Precisely, my dear.
(The King offers his arm to the Queen, and they leave the room. Left alone, Cyril glances fearfully at the chairs before scuttling after the other cards.)
CYRIL: Mother! Mother!

[First Chair room]

DODO: Be careful.
STEVEN: No, it's no use. I can't tell a thing just by looking at it. We'll have to get those other dolls.
DODO: The King and Queen are coming.
STEVEN: Good, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll try to distract them. You step into the other room and test the chairs. If they're both deadly, then this must be the right one.
KING: Ahh! Still one chair left to try, I see.
QUEEN: Why don't you try it, girl?
DODO: Why don't you?
STEVEN: Haven't you had any luck either? And no more dolls. Well it looks like stalemate, doesn't it?
KING: Ah! Not quite, my boy. Oh no, I still have one card to play, if you'll excuse the expression.
(He nudges the Joker awake with his foot.)
JOKER: Oh, what goes up the chimney down, and can't come down the chimney up?
KING: Down the chimney. Oh no, no, no, my dear fellow, no, no not work. We want your advice, don't we my dear?
QUEEN: Advice? From a Fool?
KING: We still have to pick a throne, my dear. Ah, now then, my dear fellow, for instance, what do you think of this chair?
STEVEN: No, you don't. Not this one.
DODO: Steven, the cupboard with the other three dolls. It's locked. I can't open it.
STEVEN: But you must. It was open before.
QUEEN: Three more dolls?
KING: And you kept them from us?
QUEEN: Cheats!
KING: Oh, dear, dear.
STEVEN: Oh, you can talk after what you were about to do to this poor fellow.
JOKER: Poor fellow? What's that?
KING: Oh, nothing, my dear chap. Now, er, come with us. We can't leave you in such company.
QUEEN: Certainly not.
KING: Come on, my dear fellow.
QUEEN: Come, Cyril!
(The four playing cards proceed to the second chair room.)
STEVEN: Now you've done it. You've handed them the game right on a platter. If this isn't the real chair, we've lost the game.
DODO: I don't see that.
STEVEN: Look, they've got two more chairs to test. They get the Joker to sit on one. If this isn't the right chair, then the other one must be.
(Steven turns away in disgust. Dodo looks at him sadly, then moves over to chair number two and starts to sit down.)

[Toymaker's office]

TOYMAKER: You've been moving along very satisfactorily. It's especially commendable considering that young Dodo has chosen to sit in the wrong chair. The freezing chair.

[First Chair room]

STEVEN: Dodo, you fool!
DODO: Steven, I feel cold all the way through.
STEVEN: Stand up.
DODO: Help me. I'm freezing. I can't move.
STEVEN: Stand up.
DODO: I can't!
STEVEN: Look, try. You must. You must try.
DODO: I think I'm turning to ice, Steven.
STEVEN: Fight the cold. Fight it, Dodo. You've got to get out of that chair. Now fight it!
DODO: It's no use.
STEVEN: Look, you must try. We've got to concentrate together.
DODO: We can't.
STEVEN: We must. Now!
(She grasps his outstretched hand, and he too begins to freeze. Yet with great effort he manages to pull Dodo away.)
DODO: Oh, thank you. You did it.
STEVEN: Oh, we did it together.
DODO: Oh no, I couldn't do a thing. I couldn't move.
STEVEN: Thank goodness you're safe. The Doctor would never have forgiven me if anything had happened to you.
DODO: But, Steven, we've lost.

[Second Chair room]

KING: Well, there's a much better choice in here. Now give us your honest opinion. Which is the better chair?
JOKER: Well, sire, I think, er, perhaps that one.
KING: Number six? Good, good. Well, it is not possible really to test a chair by just looking at it. 

QUEEN: 
Well, come on, Fool. We haven't got all day.

JOKER: 
Oh, poor fellow. Poor fellow.

(The Joker stops and turns to look at the giggling Knave.)

JOKER: 
What's he laughing at?

QUEEN: 
He wasn't laughing, were you?

JOKER: 
And they call me a fool.

KING: 
Well, look, sit down, my dear fellow.

JOKER: 
Oh, not on your life, sire. A joke's a joke. I'm giving notice. You can try out your chairs for yourself.

(The Joker leaves hurriedly. The King moves threateningly towards Cyril, who takes flight after the Joker.)
KING: Huh, Your son, I think, my dear.
QUEEN: Well, what do you propose we do now?
KING: Well, there's nothing else for it. You'll have to try out the chair.
QUEEN: I?
KING: Well, one of us will have to. I know, we'll draw matches.
QUEEN: No, I don't trust your matches. We will toss for it. Heads! Ah!
KING: You forget, my dear. I know that coin. It's got two heads.
QUEEN: Then.
KING: 
We will both sit in it.
QUEEN: 
And if we go, we go together.
KING: 
My love.
(Hand in hand, they walk across to chair number six and sit down.)
 
KING: 
Nothing happened.

QUEEN: 
It's all right.

KING: 
We worried for nothing.
Suddenly the chair collapses inwards. Steven and Dodo return to find the Hearts imprisoned.