I am The Job

 

Michael Caine :

Hands folded... ankles 

crossed. Neck up! 

And remember. Smile. 

Smilers wear a crown, 

Losers wear a frown.

Miss Congeniality :

I would so love to hurt you right now.

Michael Caine :

As long as you... smile. 

Now... Why is New Jersey 

called The Garden State? 

Miss Congeniality : (smiling)

Because it's too hard to fit "Oil and 

Petrochemical-refinery State" 

on a license plate? 

Michael Caine :

You know, I-I don't appreciate 

your selfishness and immaturity 

when I'm working 

as hard as I am. 

Miss Congeniality :

You know, what is the diffence? Big deal. 

It is fixed — I'm in the top five. 

Congratulations... to me. 

But i-i-is that enough? 

Have you no pride in...

in yourself, in your... 

in your presentation? 

Miss Congeniality :

You know what? I'm an 

FBI agent, all right? 

I'm not a performing 

monkey in heels. 

Michael Caine :

You're also a person and 

an incomplete one at that! 

In place of friends and relationships, 

you have sarcasm and a gun. 

Miss Congeniality :

Oh, I have sarcasm? 

When every word that 

comes out of your mouth 

is dripping with disdain? 

Michael Caine :

Ah, that is because 

I am a miserable, 

grumpy elitist, and 

that works for Me. 

Miss Congeniality :

You know what? I don't 

have relationships because 

I don't want them. 

And-and-and I don't have 

friends because I work 24-7. 

And you have no idea why 

I am the way that I am. 

Look, as we're practising interviews here, 

why are you the way you are? 

Miss Congeniality :

None o' your damn business. That's why. 

None o' your damn business. 

All the judges probably have 

never heard that before. 

(intercepting to steal-away her glazed-

donut blood-sugar infusion—)

We have more to do here. 

Miss Congeniality :

(pulls a gun)

No, we are finished. 

Michael Caine :

Finished. 

Miss Congeniality :

Come in, gimme a 20 on 

Matthews. Right now. 

Be advised he's at the pool. 

"How do you feel about 

gun control?" Favorable. 

Miss Congeniality :

Thought I'd let you know I was 

quittin', all right? Take care. 

Hold on a second. Wait a minute. 

What do you mean, you quit? 

Miss Congeniality :

I mean, you got the wrong girl. All right? 

Hart, I do not need this now. 

I know you don't need 

this right now. 

Miss Congeniality :

That's what I'm saying, all right? 

I'm totally screwing up in there! 

I don't even feel like a real agent anymore. 

I mean, Vic says this thing that's, like, so... 

You know... I don't care what he said. 

I don't care. I-I-I don't care, you know? 

Because I am the job. I am the job 

and I'm okay with that. 

I mean, you're the job. Right?

Yeah, I'm the job. 

We're all the job. 

You're the job. 

So, then, what's wrong with me? 

I date. I go on dates. I know... 

I know everyone thinks I haven't 

had a date about 10 years.

Is that... is that what you think? 

I think you date. 

Miss Congeniality :

Damn right I do. But, you know, 

both times it was totally screwed up. 

You know what? I don't even care. I don't care. All I... all I wanna do... is my job. 

And for the last three days, 

I feel like I'm completely lost. 

Hart, listen to me. I've been 

waiting five years to 

run my own op. 

You think I'd blow it 

on the wrong girl? 

No, no, no. I know the only reason 

you picked me is because 

I'm the only one to look 

half decent in the bikini and 

wasn't on maternity leave. 

No, that's why They 

let me pick you.

You wanna know 

why I picked you?

Lost a bet. 

Because you're smart, because 

you don't take any crap from people, 

you're funny... you're easy to 

talk to when you're not armed... 

Give yourself a break, cut Vic 

and the rest of the pageant 

ladies some slack. 

Because if they see ever 

get the chance to see what I see, 

then... they're gonna love you. 

So, what do you say?

All right, I won't let you down.

Good, that's what I wanna hear. 

I mean, in all honesty, 

I-I-I might let you down. 

But I'm gonna... 

try my best... not to. 

Do not mess with 

The Dress.

Oh, Vic is gonna kill you.

What?You in big trouble. - Why? You fell. You actually... - Big trouble.