Spies Like Us

....only insofar as it would serve

to confirm The President´s own beliefs.

You see, we had to show that we had 

the technical capability

and were determined --

History demonstrates conclusively

that naive wishing for Peace

is the surest possible way

to encourage an aggressor.

Spies Like Us

“People say to me, “Hey, Bill, 

The War made Us  feel better 

about ourselves”. 

Really? 

What kind of people are these with 

such low self-esteem that 

they need a WAR to feel 

BETTER about themselves? 

May I suggest, instead of A War 

to feel better about yourself, perhaps... 

Sit-ups? Maybe a fruit cup? 

Eight glasses of water a day?”

You see, we had to show

that we had the technical capability

and were determined.

History demonstrates conclusively

that naive wishing for Peace

is the surest possible way

to encourage an aggressor.

Place me in communication

with the president!

Relax, Mr Ruby.

This facility is more than adequately

stocked for 1½ 7 months of existence.

We´ll be fine.

By your actions, you are risking

the future of the human race!

To guarantee the American way of life,

l´m willing to take that risk.

....only insofar as it would serve

to confirm The President´s own beliefs.

This is quite an exciting project

you got here, General.

- What was the cost of this system?

- Just under 60 billion.

- Quite a bargain.

- Sir!

Printout from GRAVSAT.

Let´s see. A transmission

from the field. Your GLG-20s.

They confirm estimated arrival

at the strike site

by 6.00pm their time tomorrow.

That´s 9.00am here. Right on schedule.

You can always count on our people.

Well, this is it.

Where are those contacts

we heard about?

- They didn´t say where on the road.

- No.

Maybe we should start hitchhiking.

We´re inside the Soviet Union.

l wish we hadn´t lost Boyer.

They were on horseback.

We were on foot.

The Tadzhik Highway Patrol.

They were just sitting there

in the dark.

They heard our conversation.

What are they saying?

He says we needn´t bother

whispering any more.

Oome on. Let´s get out of here.

What do you mean?

They´ll cut us down.

- We can´t go with them.

- What other choice do we have?

lf we give up, the State Department

can work out an exchange.

Not me.

Hi. Just me.

l was looking

for the Burt Reynolds theatre.

Don´t l get a phone call?

Who do you intend to call?

Goddammit. Gives himself up.

- What is your objective?

- My objective?

Well, l object to taking a girl out

and buying her dinner,

and then she won´t put out for you.

Why are you here?

Why am l here?

Why are you here?

Why is anybody here?

l think John-Paul Sartre once said...

How do you spell ´´Sartre´´? Ow!

And let that be a lesson to you!

Every minute you don´t tell us

why you´re here, l cut off a finger.

- Mine or yours?

- Yours.

Damn. Ow!

Why are you still hitting me?

He´s gonna cut my fingers off.

You have 30 seconds.

- You gonna hum the theme to Jeopardy?

- We start with the little one.

All right. All right.

l´m an American agent.

- And?

- And, uh... And, uh...

They sent me here

to assassinate your premier.

l knew it. Pay up, comrade.

Let´s cut his fingers off anyway.

No. Let´s take him back

to headquarters in Moscow.

Good move. Good move. Headquarters.

Shouldn´t be further.

We´ve made good time.

We´ll go on foot from here.

[machine gun fire in distance]

Ow! Oh!

Whoa!

Oh!

Goddammit.

Whoa!

Ah! Oh!

Whoa.

Hi.

How ya doing?

Remember me?

- What are you doing here?

- What are you doing here?

They surprised us, border troops.

- Got my partner.

- Did they get you too?

l´m fine!

No wonder neither of you

could do that appendix operation.

- You´re spies like us.

- You mean, you´re...

Austin Millbarge. I´m a GLG-20.

So.

You two are the other GLG-20s.

- The decoys.

- Decoys!

Lower your voice.

That´s why they

rushed us through training.

Why we were met by the KGB.

Why they sent us into enemy hands.

- Right.

- l am...

...pissed off.

- My partner and l were set up.

- Forget it. That´s behind us.

Our first priority is to cover those

bodies, establish a new base camp

- and complete this project.

- Project?

Fitz-Hume is in the custody of

Tadzhik Highway Patrol because of you.

The only project l have to complete

is to get my partner out.

Fitz-Hume! Fitz-Hume!

Oome on!

Ow. Oh!

Look at this. Did you do that?

Yeah. l did that for you.

You know, l must really like you.

Oos l don´t like horses

and l hate guns.

- What´s this?

- You don´t want it!

Ah!

Duck.

l´ll get the horse.

Let´s go!

Hi-ho, Silver, away!

Whoo!

It’s Soul Finger by the Bar-Kays.

They must have trouble getting gigs.

Austin :

Wow.

This is a Soviet ICBM site.

That’s an SS-50 long-range

rocket and mobile launcher.

They just moved it here.

Haven´t put up their locator beacon.

They’re not hooked into Soviet Defence.

They are radio-isolated.

Only three men.

And their mother.

Oh!

- Let me see that.

- Hey!

- Oome on.

- No.

Honestly. You two are unbelievable.

Wait a minute.

What are we doing here?

This is our final objective.

Our project orders are to subdue

the crew and seize control of this.

Hold it. We´re not going near that thing.

That missile is tipped with a 40-megaton nuclear warhead.

- Good night.

- Where are you going?

Home.

For once, I’m in complete agreement.

I think we should leave immediately.

You know what those do?

Suck the paint off your house

and give your family an orange Afro.

l don´t care what you two do.

l´m fulfilling my obligation.

l intend to go down and seize control

of that emplacement alone if l have to.

Wait. You know we´d do anything for you,

but we can´t go and seize that rocket.

- We´d have to kill everybody.

- l´m not killing anybody.

l´m not, either.

Gentlemen, I think you both should

realise the gravity of this moment.

I have spent two and a half years of

my life preparing for this penetration.

This afternoon,

I buried my partner, Jerry Hadley,

perhaps the finest, most dedicated

GLG-20 in the history of the Service.

He is now, forever,

entombed in a snowy grave,

and it´s not gonna be for nothing!

We are here today to guarantee the

personal freedom of every American.

And we should never forget the words

of President John F Kennedy, who said:

“Ask not what your country can do for you,

but what you can do for your country.”

Will you marry me?

Now...

...these are high-compression

tranquilizer pistols.

We´re not going to kill anybody.

But you´ve got to get in close to use them.

Hours: T-minus-two until

designated target apogee.

[man] 

Sir, all air traffic has been

diverted from our response corridor.

What’s our present online power reading?

Michigan reactor and Washington State

atomic plants online.

Lock us in.

W.A.M.P. secure, sir.

All right.

Let´s go to response level yellow.

lnitiating level yellow.

Run your full servo and arm it.

Servo on and armed.

Soul Flngerl

Soul Flnger.

What´s she saying?

Hair... hairbrush... headrest...

Where did you learn your Russian,

J.C.Penny?

When she was a child in Lithuania,

her uncle used to tell a story

about strange beings that came down

from a disc and stole an ox,

which the village

had put aside for roasting.

l told you it would work.

Everybody knows about UFOs.

Apparently, the aliens

from the silver disc dissected the ox

and kept the best pieces of meat

for themselves.

So what? So we owe them a cow.

Where do we get one?

Do what l do.

Satscram signal from the strike site.

Your GLG-20s have penetrated

successfully and are awaiting a ´´go´´.

Open and lock down ground deflectors.

Ground deflectors open and locked.

OK, Dostoevsky, what does it say?

It says, “Approach SS-50, Source programmable Rocket.”

Easy.

“Find control box at front of transporter.”

This is a snap.

“For erector panel, push red button.

Depress red key switch.

- [buzzing]

Enter first numbered sequence.” 

Go.

“Three-three-nine...

[beeplng]

- ...dash-two-five-nine...

- [beeplng]

- ...dash-six.

Acknowledge compliance

on Satscram now.´´

GLG-20s acknowledge

programming and compliance.

Bring all birds into final bounce mode.

Bounce mode engaged.

Send them the go code.

´´Go with numbered sequence

seven-four-dash-seven-four

- dash-eight-eight-three

- [moaning]

dash-five-dash-three.´´

Sat-Oom confirms an outbound blip

from Soviet Oentral Asia.

lt´s on its way.

Override all sat alerts with

stand-down orders for ten minutes.

Sat override code, entered.

Error. Stand down.

….I think we just started World War III.

She wants to know why

we would do such a thing.

Tell her so do we.

What are they saying?

It’s 4.47 am.

It’ll be 28 minutes before the rocket

detonates above its target, somewhere 

inside the continental United States.

Twenty-eight minutes.

That´s 1½8 until it´s inside US radar.

Figure two for our response.

Say, 20 until total commitment.

Figure 20, 22 until the first impact

of our retaliatory strike.

I figure we have 42 minutes until

the end of civilisation as we know it.

You, uh, wanna go out with a bang?

I beg your pardon!

Just an idea.

If we were sitting in a bar,

I’d throw a drink right in your face.

But under the circumstances —

…it’s not such a bad idea.

[speaking Russian]

Release full pulse.

Three. Two. One.

Mark.

Bounce pulse failed to connect with target, sir.

What are you saying, soldier?

We missed it.

What?

We missed it. It didn’t work.

Didn’t work? Where did the pulse go?

Don´t know, it didn´t connect

with the inbound traffic.

- Wow.

- Excellent.

Let´s call the president.

We´re not calling.

What do you mean, not calling?

The President must know that this attack

was not initiated by the Soviets.

We are prepared for this contingency.

What in hell do you intend to do?

You understand that we are responsible

for launching a nuclear weapon

against our country!

No one outside this command centre

has that information.

When we commissioned the Schmectel Corporation

to research this precise sequence scenario,

it was determined that the continual

stockpiling of our nuclear arsenal

was becoming self-defeating.

A weapon unused is a useless weapon.

Sat-Oom confirms all defence systems

commitment ready.

We have verification. The President is aboard 

the airborne command centre now.

It will be a matter of minutes before

The President commits to total release.

Jesus Christ.

You see, we had to show that we 

had the technical capability

and were determined.

History demonstrates conclusively

that naive wishing for peace

is the surest possible way

to encourage an aggressor.

Place me in communication

with the president!

Relax, Mr Ruby.

This facility is more than adequately

stocked for 17 months of existence.

We´ll be fine.

By your actions, you are risking

the future of the human race!

To guarantee the American way of life,

l´m willing to take that risk.

lt´s been only 1½5 minutes

since l destroyed the world.

ln another 1½5 minutes it´ll all be over.

Such a short time to destroy a world.

My high school guidance counsellor

said l´d never amount to anything.

Just goes to show...

Guidance!

Source-programmable guidance!

Fitz-Hume! Boyer! Get up! Get up!

Oome on, come on, come on!

Fitz-Hume! Boyer!

What´s going on here? [gasping]

- You have a tent?

- Bring the Satscram dish.

- l think we can recall it.

- What do you mean?

Like a defective Pinto?

[speaking Russian]

Take this up. Up! Olimb... uh...

Grab a rock or grab a hammer.

We can divert it.

lt´s made to respond to commands

- with our Sat-Relay Network.

- A rock.

Go to the Satscram terminal.

- Now what?

- Smash that thing.

- lt´s broken.

- Bring it here.

Not the rock.

lt´s probably all over anyway.

No, no, no.

All we have to do

is switch sending boards.

OK. Boyer, start sending

the launch sequence in reverse order.

Yes, sir.

Fitz-Hume, hold these together.

Make the splice. Hold it together.

- Ow. l got a shock.

- And you will.

l don´t care how painful it is.

You´ve got to hold them.

- You are the bridge.

- [zapplng]

B-b-but...

- l need, uh...

- Ow! Ow!

- Bigger than a breadbox?

- l need, uh...

The title of a movie?

An animal´s habitat? Title of a book?

Things that are round? That are square?

- Things that are being electrocuted?

- Got it!

Miles, five.

Zero, zero...

- We did it!

- We did?

We did it!

Oan l borrow your tent?

Sat-Oom confirms destruction of inbound

at Zulu, 3,000 hours.

- What about the rest of their inbounds?

- There are none.

Both US and Soviet response chain

on full recall.

Damn.

Recall.

Place them under arrest. All of them.

Wait. We don´t know these men.

- We were kidnapped.

- Right. Kidnapped.

- We were... on the street...

- At the drive-in...

As the dlsarmament talks here contlnued

through closed sesslons last nlght

and on lnto thls afternoon,

the feellng of posltlve antlclpatlon ls

shared by everyone ln the press corps.

The doors to the conference room are

openlng. l see the chlef US delegate,

Mr Emmett Fltz-Hume.

- Mr Fitz-Hume.

- Hi, Ed.

Everybody at home is most anxious

to know how things are going in there.

Right now we´re at

an extremely sensitive juncture.

Of course, the slightest

misperceived phrase or gesture

could upset everything

we´ve achieved today.

- lf you´ll excuse me, Ed.

- Thank you, Mr Fitz-Hume.

Thank you, Ed.

Mr Fitz-Hume,

chief State Department negotiator

at the disarmament talks,

re-entering what he has called

´´delicately balanced negotiations´´.

Oomrade.

OK.

´´What Little Richard song

was the title of a 1950s movie

starring Jayne Mansfield?´´

Good Golly Mlss Molly?

Great Balls of Flre?

Wrong! lt was The Glrl Can´t Help lt.

- Sorry. You lose.

- Eastern Europe.

Eastern Europe.