Thursday 13 October 2022

Moonlight






Lister :
OK, let's go.
How much charge have we got?

Kryten :
According to the readouts, 
57%, sir. 

Lister :
Excellent.

Kryten :
However, as we don't know how long our journey might take,
to conserve power I suggest we travel on Eco-mode.

Rimmer :
I hope you're paying attention, Lister.
Here is someone with a brain larger than a pea coming up with a rescue strategy that's thought through and intelligent.

Kryten :
I also suggest we turn off
all non-essential electricals.

Rimmer :
You mean me?

Kryten :
Not just you, sir.
There's the air conditioning,
the lights, the seat warmers.

Rimmer :
And where do I come on this list?
Above seat warmers 
but below air-con?

Cat :
Are you outta your mind?
We need those seat warmers.
The Desert gets chilly at night.

Kryten :
Er, sir, could I suggest
you enter Low-Power Mode?

Rimmer :
Low-power mode. 
I hate low-power mode.

My vision's standard-def,
I can only hear in mono,
and when there's electronic interference, 
I wind up looking all snowy.

Kryten :
But it's the only way to preserve
what's left of Starbug's charge, sir.

SIGHS

POWERS DOWN

The Cat :
Wow, look at him. He looks like
an old movie you don't wanna watch.

Rimmer :
OK, no need to say anything.

The Cat :
But this is freaky, bud.
It's like seeing a tortoise
without its shell.

Rimmer :
[CRACKLY]
Er, hello, I'm here.
I can hear all this.

The Cat :
But he's not real, is he? You forget.

Rimmer :
I am real. Of course I'm real!

The Cat :
Yeah, but you're not really Real,
You're Dead.
This really brings it home.
You're creeping me out.

Rimmer :
As the French philosopher
Rene Descartes once said,
"I think, therefore I am."
"Je pense, donc je...
...am."

The Cat :
But you don't think, do ya?

Lister :
Guys, guys, come on.

Rimmer :
Of course I think.
What are you talking about?

The Cat :
No, you don't.
You don't decide what you do.
The Computer in your light bee
does all your thinking for you.
There's no actual You to Think 
or not Think anything.

Kryten :
Oh, sir, please!
Can you stop being so...
..catty?

The Cat :
Grr!

Rimmer :
There's no actual Me to 
Think or not Think anything?
I've never actually thought about that.
I haven't got Free Willthen, have I?

So it's not, "I Think, therefore I am."
It's, "The Computer Thinks,
therefore I Think I am."
I've never actually thought 
about that before.

The Cat :
And you're not thinking about it now.
It's your light bee making you think
you're thinking about it.

Lister :
Cat, man, back the smeg off. OK?

Rimmer :
I don't actually exist, then, do I?

Kryten :
You see what you've done, sir?
You've put Mr Rimmer
in existential crisis mode.
And look! The added anxiety is consuming 
more of our battery!

Lister :
Guys, if we're gonna get through
this, we need to stick together.

The Cat :
What's The Point? We're screwed.

Rimmer :
Well, I'm not. I don't exist.

MEOW! EXPLOSION

What the hell was that?!

The Ferals - they've found us.

MEOW!

MEOW!

Fire everything we have!

MEOW!

From the heat signature, it's one
ship coming in at six o'clock.

Open the sun roof.

Rimmer :
There's no point.
I forgot to bring my surrender flag.
I take it everywhere with me, and on
the one day I think I won't need
it...

We're not surrendering.
Cat, stand on the chair
and start blasting out the 
emergency escape hatch.

The Cat :
Wait, more Trouble
coming in from port side.

Kryten :
I'm getting it too, sir.
It's a sandstorm.

At 4.9 on the Stanley scale.
Three miles high and 60 miles wide.

Not according to this.
It's 6.3 on the Stanley scale
and it's coming on the starboard
side. 

Is it possible we could be looking at two sandstorms, 
both heading towards us from opposite sides?

We're gonna be the filling
in a sandstorm sandwich.

Kryten, likely outcome if we get hit?

Paintwork damage and front panel replacement
required on both sides, sir.

What about cover?


Getting insured at this point
ain't gonna solve anything.

Rimmer :
Cover from the sandstorms,
you brainless cretin.

To answer Your Question,
the nearest cover is 
the debris up ahead, sir.

Can we reach it in time?


I don't believe we can.

MEOW!

We need to go faster.

We're flat-out, full power.

They're catching us!

MEOW!

OK, only one thing for it.
Gotta fly into the sandstorm.

What?

Have you lost your mind?

A couple of miles in, we'll kill
all power. They'll never find us.

They'll never find us because 
we'll be sandstorm soup!

There could be a tornado
of debris parts in there.

Have you got a better idea?

Lister, fly into the sandstorm.
And that's an order.

WHIRRING AND BEEPING

Ohh. Nothing to do now but just
to sit tight and wait for it to blow
over.

Rimmer :
How long's that gonna take?

Lister :
Could be days.

Rimmer :
I'm wondering if I'm doing 
The Right Thing.

Lister :
What d'you mean?

Rimmer :
Hanging on.
Draining Starbug's battery.
Maybe it would be better if I just
pulled my own plug and be done with it.

Lister :
But if you powered down,
you'd be dead.

Rimmer :
I'm already dead.

Why am I here?
What's the point of me?

The only reason I was ever brought
back was because I was
diametrically opposite to you.
I don't fit in. No-one likes me.
People like you

Lister :
Of course they like you.

Rimmer :
Name one person on Red Dwarf
who likes me.

Lister :
Oh, come on, I'm not getting
into a naming contest, Rimmer.
But there's...people on board
that... like you.

Name one.

Lister :
Oh, come on.

Name one!

Lister :
OK... Erm, what about Skutter on B
Deck? He likes you.

Rimmer :
The one who's mental?
The one who eats shoes?

Lister :
He still likes you.
Erm.. That dispenser on C Deck,
the one that leaks. That likes you.

Rimmer :
It likes everyone. It's leaky. Who else?

Lister :
Kryten?

Rimmer :
Kryten does not like me.
He thinks I'm a petty-minded,
bureaucratic, power-hungry control
freak.

Lister :
But he still likes you. 
Admires you, even.
He told me he liked and admired you
just the other day.

Rimmer :
Yeah? What did he say?

Lister :
That he liked and admired you -
just the other day.

Rimmer :
Really?


Lister :
Really.

DOOR OPENS

Kryten :
A warm drink, sir.
Don't ask where from.
It'll taste better that way.

Lister :
Not now, Kryten.
We're in the middle of something.

Rimmer :
Lister was saying you like and
admire me, Kryten. Is that true?

Look, he nodded.

Rimmer :
He didn't move.

Lister :
That was a proper nod.
A definite seven-degree vertical
tilt. How could you miss that?

Look, he did it again.
And again.

Rimmer :
Kryten, Do You Like Me?
Well, do you?

CREAKING

CLUNK!

CREAKING
CLUNK!

Lister :
There you go. What did I tell you?

Kryten :
If that'll be all, sirs,
I think I'll go and change heads.
I think I may just have ruined this
one.

Rimmer :
You must think I'm stupid.
Give me one reason why I
shouldn't unplug right now.

BEEPING

Lister :
Whoa! Whoa!
Look, we need you.
I need you.

Rimmer :
Why?

Lister :
To bounce off, you know, 
ideas and stuff.

Rimmer :
You don't need me.
I'm not sure you ever did.
I don't exist.
What's the point of me?

Lister :
Rimmer, We're The Posse.
We're The Boys from The Dwarf.
We're like The Four Musketeers.
D'Artagnan, Porthos, Athos.
And The Other One.

Rimmer, You're The Other One.

Rimmer :
I'm The "Other One"?

Lister :
You do all the stuff
that The Other One does.

Rimmer :
And what's that, then?

Lister :
"Other one" stuff.

Rimmer :
"Other one" stuff?
What's "other one" stuff?

Lister :
All the stuff that the others haven't done 
that The Other One does.


Rimmer :
I'm pointless.

Lister :
No, you're not.
You know, I'll tell you 
The Point of You :
A Moon cannot make light, right?
And yet there's such a thing 
as moonlight.

Rimmer :
It's light reflected off A Moon
from A Sun.

Lister :
Yeah, but The Sun can't make
moonlight without The Moon.
And The Moon can't make moonlight without The Sun.
So who's making the moonlight?

Rimmer :
They both are.

Lister :
Which means that, even though a moon
cannot make light, moonlight exists.

Like you. Smeghead.

POWERS UP

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