Bung a Rock at It

[Outside The TARDIS]

The Cosmic Hobo : 

Yes. 


JAMIE: 

Have you thought up 

some clever plan, Doctor? 


The Cosmic Hobo : 

Yes, Jamie, I believe I have. 


JAMIE: 

What are you going to do? 


The Cosmic Hobo : 

Bung a rock at it. 

NARRATOR :

It is now necessary to travel two-million years 

backwards in time, to where 

Ford Prefect and Arthur Dent 

are stranded in the primeval past 

of the utterly insignificant planet Earth. 

They are faced with A Problem : in that a spaceship, 

which has apparently travelled 

back in time to rescue them, 

can not materialise until 

they have worked out 

a way of sending a message 

forward in time to summon it. 

This is clearly a terribly convoluted 

temporal paradox of 

mind-mangling complexity. 

Scene 3. Int. Prehistoric Earth 

ARTHUR:

Perhaps we could wave your towel at it. 

FORD:

You know what your trouble is Arthur? 

You’ve got as much grasp of multi-temporal 

causality as a concussed bee. 

ARTHUR:

oh. You don’t think it would work? 

FORD:

No. That ship hovering there is 

only a potential ship, 

the possibility of one. 

ARTHUR:

We could still wave at it. 

FORD:

Yeah, very friendly but 

chronologically inept. 

Listen, we have to send A Message 

forward in time… 

ARTHUR:

Yes…. 

FORD:

…to where that spaceship 

is going to be. 

ARTHUR:

We don’t know where. 

FORD:

No. 

ARTHUR:

We don’t know when. 

FORD:

No. 

ARTHUR:

And anyway, we haven’t got 

a time machine. 

FORD:

No. 

ARTHUR:

So? 

FORD:

You’re right. 

ARTHUR:

What? 

FORD:

We might just as well wave a towel at it. 

ARTHUR:

Right. [Shouts] Hello!! 

FORD:

[Shouts] Hello!! 

ARTHUR:

[Shouts] Hel-looo!! 

ARTHUR:

[Shouts] Spaceship!! 

FORD:

[Shouts] Over here!! 

FORD:

[Shouts] Just down here!! 

ARTHUR:

[Shouts] Coo-eee!! 

FORD:

[Shouts] Coo-eee!! 

FORD: 

[Shouts] Coo-eee!! 

ARTHUR:

[Shouts] Coo- 

ARTHUR:

Ford! It’s coming down! 

Look it’s coming down to us! 

FORD:

I don’t believe it. 

It’s impossible 

ARTHUR:

But it’s happening. 

FORD:

Hey, I don’t like the look of that. 

ARTHUR:

What? 

FORD:

It’s wobbling. I think it’s gonna crash. 

[Shouts] Fire your retro-rockets, you idiot!! 

[The retro-rockets fire] 

FORD:

[Shouts] Too hard!! Much too hard!! 

Run Arthur! Run for your life! 

Make for the hill! 

ARTHUR:

What hill? 

FORD:

Well there was a hill there a moment ago. 

ARTHUR:

What that rather nice one with all the daffodils? 

FORD:

Damn the daffodils, the whole hill’s gone! 

ARTHUR:

The ground’s heaving beneath us! 

FORD:

That ship’s causing a bloody earthquake. 

ARTHUR:

Look the hill’s come back! 

[Sound of volcano erupting] 

ARTHUR:

It’s erupting! 

It must be on a volcanic fault! 

FORD:

[Shouts] 

Watch outtttttt! 

[Massive volcanic eruption and sounds of destruction, eventually tailing off into echoey silence…] 

ARTHUR:

Well. We did it. 

FORD:

Yeah. 

ARTHUR:

We flagged down a logically-nonexistent 

spaceship with a towel. 

FORD:

Yeah, great! 

ARTHUR:

Marvelous! 

FORD:

Wonderful! 

ARTHUR:

Terrific! 

FORD:

Tell me Arthur..? 

ARTHUR:

Yes? 

FORD :

This boulder were stuck under… 

how big would you say it was? Roughly.

ARTHUR :

Hmm. About the size of 

Coventry Cathedral. 

FORD :

Do you think we could move it? 

… Ha. Just asking. 

Can you feel my rucksack anywhere? 

ARTHUR :

Ummmmm. Hmm. Here. 

FORD :

Ya see, it’s in these sorts of situations that 

it’s really good to have a guide to help you. 

ARTHUR :

What? 

FORD:

’The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’. 

It tells you what to do in any eventuality. 

ARTHUR:

What, even being stuck in a crack in the ground beneath a giant boulder which you can’t move 

with no hope of rescue? 

FORD :

Yeah. It’ll have something. Watch. 

[The Guide starts up] 

The BOOK :

What to do if you find yourself stuck 

in a crack in the ground underneath 

a giant boulder you can’t move 

with no hope of rescue : 

Consider how lucky you are that 

Life has been good to you so far.

Alternatively, if Life hasn’t been good to you so far -

- which, given your current circumstances seems more likely -

-  Consider how lucky you are that it 

won’t be troubling you much longer.

FORD :

It’s time I did something 

about that book.