Know Thyself

I feel like The Ghost 

of a Total Stranger

Took a charter flight to London. 

Took a cab to the city centre. Hostels are pretty ugly.

I'm staying at Home House, the most beautiful hotel in the world.

A couple of Brits take me to Camden Street, 

I flirt at Virgin, then follow girls with pink hair.

I wandered around trying to get laid until it started to rain.

I go to Rem Forum, but it's gay night.

I find the one hetero girl in the place.

At Home House, I strip her clothes off and we fuck.

Met the world's biggest DJ, Paul Oakenfold, 

wrote my mom a postcard I never sent.

Bought some speed, smoked a lot of hash 

that had too much tobacco in it.

Saw the Tate, Big Ben, ate weird English food. 

It rained a lot so I quit for Amsterdam.

The Dutch know English, which was a relief.

I cruise the Red Light District, 

visit a sex show, smoke a lot of hash.

Meet a Dutch actress, we drink absinthe 

at a bar called Absinthe. 

Museums were cool.

Bought a lot of pastries, ate waffles.

Bought some coke, met some blonde 

that reminds me of Lara, gave her 100 guilders.

I come between her tits even though I'm wearing a rubber.

Afterwards we talked about AIDS.

I wake to the sound of a wino singing.

I pretend to ice skate around Centraal

Station. Trade songs with a Kiwi girl.

Then split for Paris by train.

I climb the Eiffel Tower for only 7 francs.

Went to a Ford Model party, 

hooked up with a Romanian model.

She chugs my cock, which is good.

Went shopping. I think she gave me mono.

Drove a Ferrari, made out with a Dutch model.

Almost became roadkill crossing the street.

Oakie invites me to Dublin so I catch a flight. 

He lets me spin discs with him.

Irish girls are as small as leprechauns.

One strips for me in the bathroom of a club.

I steal some stout at the Guinness factory.

I fly to Barcelona.

Too many fat American students.

Dropped acid at the Sagrada Familia, which was a trip.

Cruised up the coast, but had no more acid.

Some girl rings me so I let her listen to the church bells.

It was beautiful, but there are no girls there so I went to Switzerland.

Took the Glacier Express, which was beautiful.

Euro Pass to Venice, where I met a hot girl 

who speaks better English than I do.

She's living on $5 a day.

My hotel room costs more for one night 

than she's spending her entire trip.

I ditch her and hook up with a couple who want a threesome.

Too much tension, but they 

offer to drive me to Rome.

Traffic is bad. The wife turns out to be a freak, 

the guy starts to wig out on me.

We stop in Florence, a bomb goes off and I lose the weird couple.

Ended up in Rome. Just like LA, but with ruins.

I went to the Vatican, stood for two hours to 

get into the Sistine Chapel, which looks fake.

I meet two underage Italian girls who I try to talk 

into fucking each other while I jack off.

I work out. 

I meet some guy who says he knows me. 

He's a fag so I lose him.

I try to fart and instead shit my pants.

Back in my hotel room, I masturbate.

That night I dream about a beautiful girl 

half in water, stretching her lean body.

I wake well rested and masturbate in the shower.

I go back to London and hang out in Piccadilly Circus.

I swap shirts with a Cambridge chick.

Hers was an Agns B, mine a Chanel.

She acts prudish, but is really wild.

She barely looks at my abs.

I drop some acid and get lost in the subway.

I meet a girl who lets me jack off on her 

as long as no come gets on her coat.

We get stoned listening to Michael Jackson 

and next morning I wake up talking to myself.

I barely make my plane back to the US.

I feel like The Ghost of a Total Stranger.

Then I ended up back here.

I am so there when school is out!

You don't even know!

No, I do know.

You don't know until you do know

and you have to go there to know.

Still fucking that girl from Hawaii? Page?

No, I gave up on that shit. She had issues. 

I moved on to this chick named Candice. She's great.

 Does she fuck like a racehorse?

Yeah! You know it, brother!

I met a girl.

Did you score some hot poon?

It's not about that.

No, it's about...

It's about good times and cuddling up [!]

She's a fag hag, right? 

It's cool because they're fun and they like to dance!

I tell you, Victor,

I think I'm in love with this girl.

She's sweet...she's pure...she's innocent.

She's a virgin.

How young is she?

Is she out of the car seat onto my meat?

If she's bleedin', I'm breedin'!

If there's grass in the field...play ball!

Old enough to pee, old enough for me!